Evervbodv  s  Book 


A 

QEOKaE  W.  JACOBS  &  CO. 


LIBRARY 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

SANTA  BARBARA 

PRESENTED  BY 

Miss  Rosario  Curie tti 


fi  f"  //!aUicJ 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


http://www.archive.org/details/everybodysbool<ofOOphiliala 


Everybody's 

Book  of 

English  Wit 
and  Humour 


Classified  under  appropriate   Subject   Headings,  with,    in   many 
cases,  a  Reference  to  a  Table  of  Authors. 


Philadelphia  : 

G.    W.    JACOBS    U    CO., 

103,   South    Fifteenth  Street. 


H 


lU 


PREFACE. 


"  TpNGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR"  is  a  compilation  of  some 
-  "*  of  the  best  specimens  of  wit  and  humour  contained  in  the 
language,  and  the  most  brilliant  examples  of  wit  will  be  found, 
upon  examination,  to  have  been  those  which  were  unpremeditated, 
and  which  were  the  result  of  the  contact  of  two  minds  upon  an 
unexpected  subject ;  while  the  best  specimens  of  humour  will  be 
seen  to  be  those  in  which  the  humour  is  unconscious.  One  example 
of  the  latter  came  to  the  notice  of  the  compiler  after  the  text  of 
this  booklet  was  printed,  and  which  is  too  good  to  be  lost.  He 
was  talking  to  the  manager  of  a  large  bookselling  establishment 
in  London,  when  one  of  the  assistants,  who  had  been  asked  by  a 
customer  for  a  child's  book,  took  up  a  copy  of  *'  Robinson  Crusoe," 
and  said  to  the  manager,  "Please,  sir,  is  this  a  Child's  Book?" 
The  latter  admitted  that  this  was  hard  on  the  literary  talent  of 
the  establishment.     But,  reader,  pass  in  I 

W.  H.  HowB. 


LIST    OF    KNOWN    WOEKS    AND 
AUTHORITIES   QUOTED. 

{Lidicated  in  the  Text  hy  corresponding  numhers.) 

1.  Wit  and  Humour         .        .        .     (Shirley  Brooks). 

2. (Sidney  Smith). 

3.  Broad  Grins (Maurice  Davies). 

4 -    (Douglas  Jerrold). 

5 (Oliver  Goldsmith). 

€ ("  Readinq  Mercury    '). 

7.  Fragments  of  CUissiml  Fun  .         ■»  ,„  ^ 

^.National  Fun       .        .        .         ]"  (Maurice  Dames). 

^.  Anecdotes  of  Dr  Johnson       .        .    (Mrs  Piozzi). 

10. (W.  Wilberforce). 

11.  Anecdotes  of  the  Clergy  .        .        .     (Jacob  Larwood). 

12 ("Chambers'  Book  of 

Days  "). 

13.  Life  of  Pitt (Earl  Stanhope). 

14 ("Blackwood's  Maga- 
zine"). 
15.  Life  of  Archbishop  Whateley .        .     (Fitzpatrick). 

16 ("Pall  Mall  Gazette"). 

17 ("The  Star"). 


KNOWN  WORKS,  ETC.,  QUOTED. 

18.  Life  and  Character  of  John  Hotce  .  (Henry  Rogebs,  D.D.). 

19 (Buckle). 

20.  .* (W.  H.  Howe). 

21.  .        .        .        .        .        .        .  (Lord  Malmesbury). 

22.  Life  of  Dr  Johnson        .        .        .  (Boswell). 

23 ("  The  World  "). 

24.  Johnsoniana (Murray). 

25.  Life  of  Douglas  Jerrohi         .         .  (Blanchard  Jerrold). 
26 (Dr  Johnson). 

27.  Life  of  Reynolds  ....  (Northcote). 

28 (Theodore  Hook). 

29.  Life  ofColman      ....  (Peake). 

30 (Roger's  Table  Talk). 

31 (T.  Hood). 

32.  Fragments  of  Classical  Fun  .        .  (Maurice  Davies). 

33.  ......        .  (Diary  of  T.  Moore). 

36 ("Burnsley    Indepen- 
dent "). 

37 (Sidney  Smith). 

38.  All  the  Year  Roiuid      .        .        .  (Charles  DiCKENS). 


CONTENTS. 


Page 

A  Bid  at  an  Anctlon      .  140 

A  Bishop  on  Squinting-    .  137 

A  Bishop  Surprised  .         .  46 

A  "  B^ull "  in  a  Pulpit       .  49 

A  Carefully- trained  Witness  95 

A  Cautious  Referee  .         .  55 

A  Chat  on  Blindness  .  67 
A  Child  proving  his  Ability 

to  use  a  Dinner  Knife  .  75 

A  Child  Thrust  .  .  86 
A    Child's    Definition    of 

Happiness  ...  96 
A  Chad's  Idea  of  a  "  Sister 

of  Charity"  ...  74 
A  Church  Living  in  the 

Nineteenth  Century      .  146 

A  Clever  Coachman  .         .  52 

A  Clever  Juror         .        .  100 

A  Cock  that  couldn't  Crow  148 

A  Collision— Illustrated  .  109 
A  Commission  Agent  as  a 

Purchaser      ...  82 

A  Conservative  "  Zoo  "    .  19 

A  Consistent  Preacher     .  44 

A  Consumptive  Patient   .  80 

A  Convincmg  Rejoinder  .  39 

A  Cool  Reception  76 

A  Curious  Account  .         .  38 

A  Cutting  Answer    .        .  101 

A  Day  after  "  the  Faii- "  .  55 
A  Dead  Letter  .  .101 
A  Distinction  ,        .        ,67 


Page 
A  Distinction  a7i(i  a  Difference  70 

A  Double  Disgi*ace  .        .  114 

A  Double-barrelled  Answer  46 

A  Doubtful  Apology        .  80 
"  A  Fellow  Feeling  makes 

us  Wondrous  Kind  "     .  83 
A  Fool's  Knowledge  and 

Ignorance     ...  42 

A  Forget-Me-Not     .         .  104 

A  "  Friendly  "  Attitude  122 

A  Funny  Announcement  124 
A      Gallant     Schoolboy's 

Clever  Toast         .        .  181 

A  Good  Conundrum          .  97 
A  Good    "  Judge  "  —  in 

more  Senses  than  One  .  152 

A  Good  Judge  of  Sermons  149 

A  Good  Move  ...  77 

A  Good  Representative    .  61 

A  Good  Shot    ...  88 
A  Greater  Reform   than 

"The  Reformation"     .  30 

A  Genuine  "  Turner "      .  21 
A  Grim  and  Witty  Descrip- 
tion of  the  Experience  of 
Some  Wives  .         .        .169 

A  Heavy  Charge      .         .  31 
A  Highwayman  who  Failed 

in  Business   ...  48 
"A   Host  in  Himself"  is 

Sometimes  Expensive   .  73 

A  Humorous  "Cabby"    .  86 


CONTENTS. 


A  Keen  Judge 

A  Keen  Request 

A  Keen  Thrust 

A  Lawyer's  Fee 

A  Lesson  on  Passive  Verbs 

A  Lesson  to  Clients  . 

A  Little  Girl's  Idea  of  Cash 

"A  Little  Knowledge  is  a 

Dangerous  Thing  " 
A  Little  Pre%'ious     . 
A  Little  Swearing    . 
A  Lord's  Reason  for  Seek- 
ing the  Lost  Ten  Tribes 
A    Madman   Saved   from 

Starvation  by  a  Doctor's 

Wit       .         . 
A  Materialistic  Nobleman 
A  Methodical  Maniac 
A      Methodical      Organ- 

Blower .        ,        .        . 
A  Musical  Wedding 
A  New  ' '  Line  "  for  Pub- 
lishers .... 
A  New  Rhyme  to  an  Old 

Line      .... 
A  New  Trinity 
A  Novelty  in  the  Way  of 

a  Loan  .... 
A  Pennyworth  of  Figs 
A  "Personal "  Illustration 
A  Pointed  Question  and  a 

Rough  Answer 
A  Possible  Explanation  of 

Changed  Opinions 
A  Prayer  which  could  not 

be  Answered 
A  Pretty  Retort 
A   Prisoner  Pleading  for 

his  Lawyer   . 
A  Procrastinating  Wit     . 
A  Promise  Defined,  Sought, 

and  Obtained 


167  i  A  Proof  that  Adam  and 
115 !      Eve  were  English  . 


Page 
47 


137 

A  Quaker's  Impatience  to 

116 

see  his  Visitor  ' '  Again  " 

158 

113 

A  Qualifying  Proposal 

125 

97 

A  Question  which  needed 

70 

no  Answer    . 

168 

A  Recognised  Need 

160 

74 

A  Rejected  Lover's   Re- 

44 

buke     .... 

47 

130 

A  Retort  not  Understood 

— Perhaps     . 
A  Sailor's  Explanation  of 

127 

173 

Etiquette      . 

123 

A  School  for  Adults 

178 

176 

A  Searching  Question 

62 

142 

A  Second  St    Paul  —  in 

160 

Some  Things 

88 

A  Sense  of  Unworthiness 

41 

81 

A  Sense  of  Loneliness 

17 

138 

A  Sexton  in  Trouble 

A  Skeleton  Account  Col- 

37 

40 

lector    .... 

88 

A  Snob  Wittily  Snubbed 

86 

43 

"A    Stranger,    and    Ye 

41 

Took  Me  In  !  "      . 
A  Study  in  Natural  His- 

139 

103 

tory      .        .        .        - 

147 

128 

A  Thorny  Subject    . 

90 

116 

A  Trade  Distinction,  with 

Little  Difference  . 

125 

159 

A  Tribute  to  Scotch  Thrift 

163 

A  True  Bishop 

138 

140 

A  Typical  Wooer     . 

180 

A  Well-prepared  "Brief" 

86 

157 

A  Well-timed  "Grace"  . 

100 

128 

A  Well-timed  Reply 

128 

A  Wife's  Retort       . 

113 

187 

A  Witty   Cleric    and   an 

142 

Aged  Bridegroom 

113 

A  Witty  Dean  Checkmated 

94 

172 

A  Witty  Decision    . 

141 

8 


CONTEXTS. 


Page 
A  Witty  Definition  of  Tact  170 
A  Witty  Description  of  a 

Wedding  .        .       155 

A  Witty  Drunkard  .        .       159 
A  Witty  Remark  on  Pos- 
terity   ....        79 
A  Woman's    Reason    for 
preferring     Extempore 
Preaching     ...         96 
"  Abstract  "    and    "  Con- 
crete" ...         61 
Accommodating  his  Auditor    33 
Accounting  for  His  Baldness    66 
Advantages  of  Occasion- 
ally Reading  the  Bible  75 
Afraid  to  Venture    .         .       125 
**  Agricultural  "  Boys      .       184 
"All  But!"     ...         75 
"Almost  Persuaded"  to 
"Make  a  Christian  of 
Him"   .         .         .         .       140 
"  Also  "  and  "  Likewise  " 
— A  "Friendly"  Expo- 
sition   ....       126 
Amusing  Tithe  Story        .        35 
An  Accommodating  Excise- 
man     ....        98 
An  Answer  by  Return      .         89 
An  Apprentice  and  Early 

Rising  ....       112 
An  Appropriate  Description    30 
An  Apt  Scripture  Quotation  131 
An  Ecclesiastical  Comforter     19 
An  Effective  Peroration  .         49 
An  Englishman's  Remarks 
on  a  Scotchman's  Tena- 
city      ....       i37 
An  Equitable  Exchange  .        44 
An  Excellent  JSIemory,  or 
"Remembering    to  do 
Good"  .        .        .129 

An  explicit  and  exact  Witness  45 


Pa«e 

An  Exposed  Intellect      .  189 
An  Important  Pre-nuptial 

Question       ...  37 

An  Important  Question    .  18 

An  Improved  Accidental  43 

An  Insignificant  M.P.      .  146 

An  Inspiring  Hearer        .  139 
An  Old-fashioned  Gardener 

on  Scientific  Farming  168 

An  Open  Question   .         .  159 
An  Opportunity  for  Boys 

of  the  Right  Sort  .  169 
An  Opposing  Counsel  help- 
ing to  find  Bail  .  .  173 
An  Organ-grinder's  Earnings  38 
An  Unanswerable  Argument  129 
An  Unanswerable  Argu- 
ment against  Bigamy  .  69 
An  Up  and  Down  Reply  126 
Ante- Reformation  Days  .  149 
Anxious  to  Put  in  a  Good 

Word    ....  188 
Any  Change  must  be  an 

Improvement        .         .  136 

Applied  Agnosticism        .  18 

Applying  the  Sermon       .  67 
Appropriate    Reproof    of 

One  Accustomed  to  go 

Mooning  About    .        .  84 

As  Green  as  Two  Peas      .  173 
At  Home  Everywhere  but 

at  Home        .         .         .148 

"  At  Home  on  Thursdays  107 
At  One   Time,   Wise— At 

Another,  Otherwise       .  141 
Attending  to  Each  Other's 

Faults   ....  90 

Begiuiiiug  Too  Early     .  Via 

Bishop  Atterbury's  Pad    .  121 
Bishop    Law's  Rebuke  to 

an  Indolent  Clergyman  135 


CONTENTS. 


Page 
"  Blindness  "  Explained  .  31 
Blindness  Somewhere  .  84 
Boasting  of  Treasure  be- 
fore a  Rothschild .  .  125 
Boaz  and  Ruth  .  .  68 
Bonner's  Humour  respecting 

the  Loss  of  his  own  Head  138 

Book  Lore        ...  84 

Burning  his  Idol       .         .  100 
Bunyan's  Test  for  a  False 
Prophet        .        .        .130 
• 

Calvinists  and  Tigers    .  55 
Capturing      a      Deserter 
Thirty  Years  after  the 
Offence          .        .        .189 

Catching  Himself  Out      .  33 

Certain  Death  Either  Way  124 

"Change "and  "Rest"  .  93 
Charles    II.    Floored    by 

StiUingfleet  .         .         .183 
Charles    Kean    and    His 

Critic  ....  134 
Childish  Wit  and  Wisdom  91 
Clei^men  and  Corkscrews  132 
Clever  Contrivance  to  Ob- 
tain a  Warm  Seat'  .  188 
Club  Etiquette — Learned 

from  Observation .  .  160 
Coals  or  "Coke"?  .  .  80 
Cobbett  and  the  Goose  .  95 
Colman's  Wit  and  Humour  163 
"  Coming  Home  to  Roost "  81 
"Commentators"  Dis- 
agreeing with  the  Parson  127 
Consoling  His  Father  .  75 
Contents    of    a    Kitchen 

Table  Drawer        .        .  57 
' '  Contingencies  " — Defined  19 
Comparisons  are  "Hideous"  111 
"Composition    and    De- 
composition"       .        .  32 


Consolation  for  an  Injured 
Man      .... 

Counting  the  Cost    . 

Curious  Coincidences 

Curious  Epistle  from  One 
Quaker  to  Another 

Curious  Letter  sent  by  a 
Quaker  to  his  Watch- 
maker .... 

Curious  Misconception  at 
a  Funeral 

Curious  Provision  in  a  Will 

Curious  Sermon  on  "What 
a  Good  Wife  sHould  be  " 

Cut  it  Short     . 

Cutting  his  Comb    . 


Page 

154 

155 

53 

72 


102 

147 
139 

143 

117 

37 


Darid  and  Pamell — a 

Contrast      ...        49 

Daylight!  .  .  .176 
"Dealing  "  and  "  Leading "  147 
Dean  Sherlock's  "  Reasons  "  136 
Defining  a  False  Witness         79 


Definition  of  a  Pilgrim 


109 


Defying  and  Abusing  the 

Magistrates  .  .  .142 
Destructive  Criticism  .  93 
"  Didn't  he  want  to  go  to 

Heaven?"     .        .         .130 
I  Difference  between  a  "Board  " 

and  a  "  Bench  "    .        .       183 
Dining  Late     ...        91 
Diplomacy — or,  Silence  in 
View  of  Possible  Prefer- 
ment    ....        90 
Disgusted         ...       192 
Disraeli's  Sense  of  ' '  Fitness  "  22 
Di\ision  of  Labovir  in  ob- 
serving     the      Church 
Calendar       .        .        .160 
Division  of  Labour,  or  a 
Witty  Thief  .        .      118 


10 


CONTENTS, 


Page 

*•  Do  you  Smoke,  Sir  ? "  129 
Doctor  and  Patient,  and 

vice  versA        ...  40 

Doing  Credit  to  his  Teacher  68 

Double  Meanings  .  .  22 
Dr  Donne  "  Undone,"  but 

not  "Done  Up"  .        .  146 
Dr  Jenner  a  "  Respectable 

Practitioner"        .         .  152 
Dr  Johnson's  Advice  on 

Matrimony   .        .        .120 
Dr  Johnson's  Childhood  .  113 
Dr  Johnson  on   Sermon- 
Hearers         .         .         .  115 
Drawing  on  his  only  Fund 

— Humovu'    .        .        .  175 

Driven  from  the  Garden  .  114 

Driving  it  Home      .         .  114 

Every  Msm.  to  bis  o>vn 

CaUing        ...  144 

Easily  Altered.  .  _.  138 
Ecclesiastical  Learning  in 

the  Time  of  Charles  I.  .  177 

Education  .  .  .  146 
Elderly  Men  not  always 

Wise     ....  153 

Elegy  by  a  Schoolboy      .  59 

Erskine's  Humour    .         .  170 

Every  Little  Helps  .  .  43 
Ex  Nihilo  Nihil  Fit .        .117 

Exceptions  from  ' '  The  Fall "  46 

Extinguishing  a  "  Spark  "  82 

Faith  and  Biches  .        .  76 

"Fast "Day    .         .         .192 

Fearful  of  Contagion  .  145 
Filial  Solicitude  and  Long 

Life       ....  95 

"  Filing  a  Bill"  .  .  138 
Finding  Time  for  a  Man 

who  had  None      .        .  79 


Page 
Fine  Air — but  not   Fine 

Enough  .  .  .189 
Fishing  for  a  Compliment, 

and— Getting  it    .         .  36 

Fools  are  Best  Kept  Apart  77 
Forced  by  his  own  Wit  to 

Compound    ...  49 

Fragmentary  Classical  Fun  191 
From  the  Sublime  to  the 

Ridiculous  .  .  .  107 
Fully   QuaUfied  to  Keep 

his  Promise*.         .         .  18 

GaUantWit  .        .        .  *«» 

Giving  a  Good  Account  of 

his  Stewardship  .  .  71 
Glad  that  his  Rent  was 

to  be  "Raised"    .         .  67 
Gladstone  as  a  Boy,  or, 
"  Coming      round       to 
Willie's  Opinion "         .  30 
"  Going  by  "  the  "  Regu- 
lator "  Coach        .        .  135 
Going  to  "Star  "or  "To 

Starve"?      .        .        .158 

"  Grace  before  Meat "      .  121 

"  Graceful  Criticism  "      .  132 

"  Grandfather's  Coat "     .  130 

Granting  his  Request       .  100 

"Half-awd-half"  .        .  61 

Harden  "The  Bench"   .  90 

Hard  on  the  Donkey        .  89 

Hardly  a  Coat  Left .  .  116 
Hats  Blocked  while  you 

"Wait"  .  .  .151 
Hats  Off  .  .  .  .  78 
Hearmg  Both  Sides  .  112 
He  didn't  Know  Every- 
thing ....  131 
Henry  Russell's  Singing  .  147 
i  Here  and  There,  One  111 


CONTENTS. 


11 


His  Birthday  Party . 

His  Own — with  Usury 

"Hogg's  Wash" 

Holding  for  the  Rise 

Homage  to  the  Scottish 
Rifles  (By  a  Spiteful 
Competitor) . 

Hood's  Humour  in  his 
last  Illness    . 

Hope's  Triumph  over  Ex- 
perience 

How  many  Command- 
ments are  there  ?  . 

How  a  Preacher  both  Broke 
and  Kept  his  Promise    . 

How  the  Widow  deceived 
her  Husband's  Relatives 
and — Herself 

How  to  eat  Pine -Apple    . 

How  to  get  rid  of  a  Nuis- 
ance     .... 

How  to  Treat  the  Hands 

Humbug  Defined 


Page  I 

145; 

91 

18 

123 


103 

146 

45 

78 
184 


41 


66 

94 

137 


"I  cannot  l>ear  to  say 
Farewell  I " — and  tlie 
Kea^ou  why        .        .      171 

' '  I  slept,  and  O  how  sweet 

the  dream  ! "         .         .       168 
"  I'd  lilce  to  be  a  Parson  !  "      182 
Ill-constructed  Sentences       133 
In  return  for  a  Brace  of  Birds  59 
Interesting  Conundrum — 
for  Asses  and  Commer- 
cial Travellers       .         .       128 
It  takes  Two  to  Play  an 
Organ  ....        76 

Johnson  and  a  Clergy- 
man's Ignorance        .       153 

Johnson  and  his  Fair 
Flatterer       .        .        .      155 


Page 
Johnson  and  Mr  Crawford 

— An  Extinguisher  .  151 
Johnson's    Confession    of 

Ignorance  .  .  .  154 
Johnson's    Definition    of 

Music  ....  188 
Johnson's  Letter  to    the 

Earl  of  Chesterfield       .  156 

Johnson's  Literary  Irony  70 

Johnson  and  "  Fools "      .  157 

Johnson  on  '  *  Derangement "  1 73 

Joseph  Gillott  and  Turner  171 

Justice — Only  Delayed    .  110 

Kenihle  and  the  Crying 

Child  ....        40 

Kingly      Courtesy      and 

Quaker  Consistency      .       169 

Lam1>  and  Coleridge     .        99 

Lamb  and  Mince  "  Sauce  "      101 
' '  Lapsus  Linguae  " — or  the 

Dangers  of  Imitation  .  133 
Lawyer  and  Clients  Known 

at  a  Glance  ...  36 
Learning  the  Truth  about 

Himself         .        .         .        40 
Leaving  Room  for  a  Col- 
lection and  a  Correction      115 
Lengthening  His  Days     .         39 
Lengthening    His    Name 

by  an  Ell  ...  71 
Less  and  Less  ...  42 
Less     Gallant,     perhaps, 

than  Accurate       .         .         82 
Letter  from  a  Father  in 
Sunderland,  to  his  Son 
in  Newcastle  .         .        77 

Literary  Curiosity  '. .        .        58 
Local  Sympathy     ^."        .       149 
Looking      Better  ^when 
Least  Seen    ,.       /      .      172 


12 


CONTENTS. 


Lord  Chesterfield  and  the 

Dirty  Dishes 
Lord  North's  Drollery 
Luddcrous  Blunders . 


Page 

127 
64 
60 

119 


Maguam  Malniu  .        . 

Maiden    Speech    in    the 

House  of  Commons 
Making  it  Look  as  Well 

as  Possible    . 
Making  Free  -with  a  Judge's 

Character  and  Office 
Making  the  Most  of  the 

Situation 
Making  up  with  Wit  what 

he  Lacked  in  Stature    . 
Marriage — A  Revenge 
Marriage  Certificatos 
Matrimony  doth  Open  the 

Eyes  of  the  Blind  . 
Meat  or  Bones  ? 
Ministerial  Exchanges 
Modern  Commercial  Penalties  97 
* '  Moods  "    and    "  Cases ' ' 

from  a  Schoolboy's  Life 
More       Practical       than 

Patriotic        .        . 
More  Witty  than  Wise    . 
Mortifying  Simplicity 
Mr  Spvirgeon  on  Modern 

Bonnets 
My  Wife's  Diary 


65 


69 


189 
156 
114 

114 
157 
123 


123 

21 
114 
111 


56 


M.B.— P.S. 

Nathan  and  David   . 

Native  Wit  verms  Nor- 
man Blood    . 

Necessary  Evils 

"Never  Forget  tne  Dear 
Ones"   .... 

New  Thoughts  on  an  Old 
Text     .... 


188 


31 
135 


Page 
"No     Effects"    without 

Causes  ....  136 
No  Escaping  the  Collec- 
tion on  that  Occasion  .  96 
No  Inoculation  Needed  .  122 
No  "  Manners"  to  Spare  95 
Non-Convei-tible  Terms  .  89 
' '  Not  a  Seat  to  be  Had  "  21 
Not  Deaf  Enough  to  go  to 

Concerts       ...  99 

Not  "  For  Ever  ! "  .  .  98 
Not   "Home  Rule"  but 

"  Home  Ruin"     .        .  50 
Notice  of  Non -Responsi- 
bility for  a  Wife  .         .  43 

Obeying  Orders     .        .       155 

Obliging  the  Judges  .  33 
Offering  a   Premium    on 

Theft  ....  145 
Often  Absent  in  Disputes  149 
Once,  Quite  Enough  .  37 
One  Example  in  which  a 

Translation    is    better 

than  an  Original  .  .  70 
One  for  Jehu  and  Two  for 

Himself  .  .  .  122 
One     New     Leaf    Quite 

Enough  for  One  Turn  .  90 
One  Thankful— the  Other 

Glad  ....  99 
One  Way  of  Recognising 

a  Gentleman  .  .  38 
'Opeless  Helocution         .        60 

Palinerstou*s    Hanionr 

in  His  Last  Uiness     .       145 

Patriarchal  Longevity  Ac- 
counted for  ...         97 
Perfection        .         .         .         81 
Perhaps  it  was  the  Fault 
of  the  Absent  One        .      159 


CONTENTS. 


13 


Perpetual  Wits— Perpet- 
ual Thieves  . 

Piety  which  is  not  Reli- 
gious   .... 

Pinning  Him  to  the  Literal 
Meaning 

Piscatorial  Discussion  at 
a  Musical  Party   . 

Pitt  and  Possible  Invasion 

Pitt's  Effort  of  Memory  . 

Playful  Thoughts  on  Mar- 
riage    .... 

"Playing  the  Fool" 

Playing  the  Wrong  Organ 

Poetry  and  Prose 

Politely  Said  ;  but— Left 
Unsaid— Still  More  Polite 

Politeness  in  Prayer 

Political  Fireworks  . 

Political  Ojjhthalmia  and 
its  Cause 

Poverty  a  Virtue 

Preventing  the  Scapegrace 
from  Sharing  in  the  Will 

Prevention — in  this  Case 
— the  Next  Best  Thing 
to  Cure 

Probably  Money-hunting 

Proclaiming  his  Ignorance 

Promotion  and  Pride 

Prophecy  Fulfilled  . 

Proving  his  Words  rather 
Unexpectedly 

i^roving  that  the  Earliest 
Riser  was  the  Greatest 
Loser    .... 

Public  School  Equity 

Puritan  Wit     . 

Putting  on  the  Finishing 
Touch  .... 

Putney  Bridge  in  Olden 
Time     .... 


Page 

40 

128 

154 

20 

132 

46 


96 

144 

61 

71 

155 

81 


61 


69 


54 
72 
100 
76 
7] 

44 


119 
91 
33 

35 


Quaker  Wooing    . 

Qualification  for  a  Lawyer 
Qualification    for    Burial 
with  Military  Honours 
Quid  Pro  Quo  . 
Quin  and  the  Coxcomb     . 
Quoting  the  Fathers 

Rebuking   a    Preacfcer 
and — Repenting         . 

Referring  him  to  a  Good 

Authority     . 
Related — by  Marriage 
Reproving — Dii-ectly  and 

Indirectly     . 
Result    of    being    "Not 

Under  the  Law  "  . 
Rochester's   Wit    Capped 

by  Charles  11. 's  Humour 
Royal  Art  Critics     . 
Royal  Precedence     . 
Rude  Wit 


Sam  Deacon's  I'gly  Car- 
riage   .... 

Saving    Him    from    His 


"  Saving"  the  Dinner 
Scarcity  and  High  Prices 
Scholastic  Wit 
"  Second  Childhood  " 
Sectarian  Repartee  . 
"  Seeing  Double  "    . 
Seeking  Information,  and 

— Finding  It 
"  Sermons  in  Stones  " 
"Seven"  and  "Eleven" 

at  Dr  Kitchiner's 
' '  Shaving  "  the  Barber    . 
"  Sha^-ing  "  Them  Both   . 
She  Left  Nothing  Behind 


Page 
51 

66 

Q% 

78 

65 

102 


48 

168 
17 

116 

172 

117 

45 

134 

172 


127 

124 
133 
137 
149 
122 
123 
32 

17 
153 

126 
72 
65 
35 


14 


CONTENTS. 


Page 
Sheridan's  Ability  Doubted 

by  his  Son  .  .  .181 
Shortening  Time  by  Dis- 
tance ....  83 
Silencing  a  Scoffer  .  .  99 
Sin  and  Size  .  .  .124 
Sink-we  Scento  .  .  108 
Skeleton  Humour  .  .  162 
Skin  and  Bone  vers^is  Flesh 

and  Blood  ...  95 
Slow  and  Sure  ...  35 
"  Smoking  " —  an  Explana- 
tion ....  107 
Solomon's  System  of  Self- 
defence  .  .  .  144 
Something   to    Show  his 

Friends  ...  41 
Splendid  Debating  Power  117 
Sticking  at  Nothing  .  102 
Stopping  a  Leaky  Gas-pipe  20 
Suet  or  Dripping  ?  .  .129 
Surnames  ...        51 

Sydney    Smith    and   "A 

Meeting  of  the  Clergy  "      135 
Shaking  Hands  at  a  Duel       135 
Sydney  Smith  and  his  Por- 
trait     ....      134 
Sydney    Smith    and    the 

Stout  Widow        .        .      103 
Sydney  Smith  on  Official 
Accuracy    (Couleur    de 
"Rose")       ...       181 
Sydney    Smith     on     the 

Education  of  Women  .  106 
Sydney    Smith     on    the 

Preaching  of  the  Clergy      110 
Sydney  Smith's-  Descrip- 
tion of  Curates     .        .       177 
Sydney  Smith's   Descrip- 
tion of  the  Irish  Clergy       180 
Sydney  Smith's  Political 
Simile  .        .        .108 


Page 
''*  Take  no  Thought .  .  . 
wherewithal  ye  shall 
be  Clothed "        .        .       iso 

Taken  «' Off-Duty"  .        .        85 
Taking  Care  of  the  Wrong 

Key  ....  89 
Taking  Him  at  His  Own  Price  112 
Taking  it  CooUy  .  .  32 
Teacher  versus  Pupil 
Temperance  (and  Intem- 
perance) in  Three  Words 
Temptation  to  Suicide  . 
Thackeray       Broadening 

Carlyle's  Vision    . 
Thankful  for  Small  Mercies 
The  Adulterator's  Alphabet 
The  Archbishop  and  the 

Archdeacon  . 
The  Ass  was  "  Missing  "  . 
The  Bishop,  the  Boy,  and 

the  Banbury  Cake 
The  Cost  of  a  Wife  accord- 
ing to  Scripture    . 
The  Dean  and  the  Lunatic 
The  Domestic  Catechism 
The  First  Cake  after  the 

Wedding 
The  First  Person  Singular 
The    Fly    declining    the 

Spider's  Invitation 
The  "  Form  "  which  gives 

the  Rite  Meaning 
The  Gallant  Butcher 
The  Golden  Rule      . 
The  Human  Side  of  Royalty 
The  Infallibility  of  every 

Child's  "  Papa"    . 
The  Inflexibility  of  "Habit" 

— both  in  Name  and  Nature  96 
The  Judge  and  the  Cabman    154 
The  King,  Lord  Chester- 
field, and— the  Devil  .        131 


111 


107 
166 

92 
72 

85 

70 
101 

87 

170 


96 

104 

98 

110 

103 

84 


CONTENTS. 

15 

Page 

Page 

The  Lady  and  the  Play    . 

133 

The    Worst     "Ism"    in 

The  Lady  with  Holes  in 

Christendom 

119 

her  Stockings 

118 

The  Wrecked  Archbishop 

The  Letter  H  . 

93 

and  the  Eleventh  Com- 

The Limit  of  Debate 

42 

mandment    . 

158 

The  Moods  and  Tenses  of 

Theodore    Hook's  Power 

the  Money  Lender 

122 

of  Improvisation  . 

190 

The  Mud-Fish  . 

62 

Thinking     "Nothing    of 

The  Only  Reason  against 

It"        .... 

154 

Pamell's  Retirement    . 

50 

Thoughts  on  Book-Borrow- 

The Origin  of  Evil    . 

174 

ing        .... 

20 

The  Origin  of  the  Term, 

Thoughts     on    Marriage 
with  a  Deceased  Wife's 

"  The  Republic  of  Letters 

"  20 

The  Paley  Family  Arms  . 

134 

Sister    .... 

18 

The  Shortest  Grace . 
The  Plm-al  of  Egal  . 

189 

Tight-lacing  «  Good"  for 

62 

Consumption 

125 

The  Possibilities  of  Child- 

Tom Sheridan's  Adventure 

185 

hood      .... 

84 

"  Too  many  Cooks  " 

108 

The  Power  of  Emphasis  . 

93 

Too  Tame  to  be  Borne     . 

81 

The  Prevailing  Sense  of 

Top  and  Bottom 

55 

the  House     . 

152 

Translated  Fxm 

117 

The  Promise  of  the  God- 

Transposition  ! 
"Trodden  Under  Foot "  . 

156 

Parents 

129 

116 

The    Puritan     and     the 

True  Enovigh,  and  Enough, 

Young  Tiady's  Curls 

136 

Though  True 

156 

The  Quickest    Courtship 

Truth  and  Patience 

33 

and  Marriage    on    Re- 

Twelve   Pennyworth    for 

cord      .         .         ... 

150 

One  Shilling . 

151 

The_Ruling  Passion  Strong 

Two  Alma  Maters— Result 

111 

ini— Disappointment     . 

175 

Two  Birds  with  One  Stone 

112 

The  Ship  Chaplain's  Ser- 

Two Boys'  "Tall"  Talk  . 

70 

mon  on  Heaven    . 

150 

Two  Examples  of  French 

The  Size  of  Meanness 

139 

Running 

73 

The  Strength  of  Political 

Two  Negatives  Imply  an 

Bias      .... 

92 

Affirmation  . 

92 

The  Sweep  Turning  the 

Tables  on  the  Parson    . 

71 

Unused  Possessions 

68 

"  The  Tongue  can  no  Man 

Up  and  "Doing"    . 

97 

Tame". 

150 

Using  his  Wit  to  Hide  his 

The  Treaty  Explained     . 

104 

Ignorance 

187 

•'  The  Very  Worst,"  Fol- 

lowed by  a  Still  Worse 

82 

Yery  Small  for  Its  Age 

65 

16 


CONTENTS. 


Were  they  both  Insane  ? 

What  the  Sermon  was  about 

What  the  Scotch  cannot 
Help 

What  the  Waits  ought  to 
do  on  Boxing  Day 

What  to  do  with  Medicine 

What's  often  Thought, 
but  ne'er  so  well  Ex- 
pressed 

Whe  an  Antagonist  is 
Agreeable     . 

When  is  a  Saddle  a  Mule  ? 

When  Thirteen  is  an  Un- 
lucky Number 

"  Where  are  We  ?  " 

Whistling — A  good  Tem- 
perance Agent 

Why  he  did  not  get  any 
Pudding 

Why  he  wore  the  Blue 
Ribbon 

Why  he  wouldn't  buy 
Haydn's  Music     . 

Why  the  Bailiffs  went 
away  without  their 
Prisoner       .        .        , 


Page 
74 

119 

22 
187 


120 


153 


Why  the  Drunkard  couldn't 
get  in    . 

Why  "The Spectator"  ex- 
celled "The  Tattler"  . 

Why  they  were    out    of 
Spirits  .... 

Wilberforce's  Candour     . 

Willing  to  Wait       . 

"  Wine  OflBce  Court " 

Wisdom  which  was    Ac- 
quired— not  Hereditary 

"Wit"  and  the  "Oppo- 
site "     . 

Wit  Defined  and  Exem- 
plified .... 

Withdrawing  his  Support 
from  the  Devil 

"Without  Knowledge  or 
Understanding"  . 

Witty  Impromptu    . 

Woman's  Position  in  Re- 
lation to  Beauty  . 

Wordsworth's  Mind 

Wordsworth's      Prettiest 
Production    . 

Wrecked    on    the    Coral 
Reefs    .... 


Page 

33 

169 

68 

120 

42 

19 

127 

84 

79 

19 


184 

32 
141 


89 


Everybody's  Book 

of 

English  Wit  and  Humour. 


•;*:• 


A  Sense  of  Loneliness. 


"All  the  world,"  said  an  old  Quaker  to  his  wife,  "is  queer, 
except  thee  and  me — and  thee  is  a  little  queer. " 

Seeking  Information,  and — Finding  It. 

Coleridge  was  acknowledged  to  be  a  bad  rider.  One  day,  riding 
through  a  street,  he  was  accosted  by  a  would-be  wit :  "  I  say,  do 
you  know  what  happened  to  Baalam  ? " 

Came  the  answer  sharp  and  quick  :  "  The  same  as  happened  to 
me.    An  ass  spoke  to  him  !  " 

Related — By  Marriage. 

As  my  wife  and  I,  at  the  window  one  day, 

Stood  watching  a  man  with  a  monkey, 
A  cart  came  b}'^,  with  a  "  broth  of  a  boy," 

Who  was  driving  a  stout  little  donkey. 
To  my  wife  I  then  spoke,  by  way  of  a  joke, 

"  There's  a  relation  of  yours  in  that  carriage  ;  " 
To  which  she  replied,  as  the  donkey  she  spied, 

"Ah  yes,  a  relation— Ey  Makbiage  !" 

Temperance  (and  Intemperance)  in  Three  Words. 

Theodore  Hook,  when  dining  with  the  author  of  a  work  called 
"  Three  Words  to  the  Drunkard,"  was  asked  to  review  it.  "  Oh, 
my  dear  fellow,  that  I  have  already  done  in  three  words — pass  the 
bottle." 

(  17) 


18  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

An  Important  Question. 

Sydney  Smith  was  advised,  when  ill,  to  take  a  morning  walk 
upon  an  empty  stomach.     "  Upon  whose  ? "  was  bis  inquiry.     [3] 

Thoughts  on  Marriage  with  a  Deceased  Wife's  Sister. 

A  woman  quarrelling  with  her  husband,  told  him  she  believed  if 
she  was  to  die  he  would  marry  the  devil's  daughter.  "The  law 
does  not  allow  a  man  to  marry  two  sisters,"  replied  the  tender 
husband. 


May  a  man  marry  his  wife's  sister  ?  is  a  question  which  can  only 
be  properly  answered  by  the  sister  herself  when  the  widower 
makes  a  proposal. 

Applied  Agnosticism. 

"I  am  an  agnostic,"  remarked  a  young  man,  in  a  proud  and 
dignified  tone  of  voice.  "  And  an  agnostic  is  what  ? "  inquired  an 
elderly  gentleman.  "  An  agnostic,"  replied  the  smart  youth,  in 
a  manner  full  of  pity  for  the  old  man's  ignorance,  "  an  agnostic  is 
a  fellow,  don't  you  know,  who  isn't  sure  of  anything."  "  I  see," 
was  the  reply  ;  "  but  how  does  it  happen  that  you  are  so  sure  you 
are  an  agnostic  ? " 

Fully  Qualified  to  Keep  His  Promise. 

Tlie  late  Mr  Thorold  Rogers  used  to  relate  an  amusing  incident 
of  his  experience  during  the  1885  elections.  Some  of  the  repUes 
which  he  received  during  the  canvass  were  more  expressive  than 
polite,  and  upon  one  occasion,  in  response  to  the  stereotyped 
request,  a  voter  answered  indignantly,   "No,  I  won't  :  I  would 

see  you  in  h first !  "    The  Professor  received  the  outburst  in 

a  very  resigned  spirit,  and  meekly  replied,  "Well,  my  friend, 
in  case  I  do  get  there,  I  should  say  that  yoa  will  be  pretty  sure  to 
see  me."    [17] 

"Hogg's  Wash." 

Here  is  another  story  of  that  racy  humour  with  which  the  late 
Professor  Thorold  Rogers  often  delighted  his  friends,  and 
occasionally  offended  his  opponents.  Some  few  years  ago,  before 
he  lost  his  seat,  he  took  a  great  interest  in  the  condition  of  the 
Thames,  and  did  what  he  could  to  induce  Sir  James  McGarel 
Hogg,  the  chairman  of  the  Metropolitan  Board  of  Works,  to 
improve  it ;  but  his  efforts  were  in  vain,  and  the  Professor  sought 
revenge.  He  went  down  to  the  Thames  and  filled  a  square  bottle 
with  some  water  that  was  excellent  as  a  specimen  of  the  objection- 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  19 

able  qualities  of  the  river,  and  he  labelled  this  bottle,  "  Hogg's 
Wash,"  and  hung  it  up  in  the  smoking-room  of  the  House  of 
Commons.     [16] 

Withdrawing  His  Support  from  the  DeviL 

Equally  amusing  was  Mr  Rogers's  reply  to  the  elector  who 
frankly  assured  him  that  he  would  "vote  for  the  devil  first." 
"Very  good,  sir,  very  good,"  said  the  stoical  Professor  ;  "  but  in. 
case  your  friend  does  not  come  to  the  poll,  may  I  hope  to  be 
favoured  with  your  support  ? "  The  retort  was  both  happy  and 
effective,  for  from  that  day  the  voter  to  whom  it  was  addressed 
was  amongst  his  most  enthusiastic  supporters.     [17] 

A  Conservative  "Zoo." 

During  the  contest  for  the  new  seat  given  to  the  Homsey 
division  of  Middlesex  by  the  Redistribution  Act,  Sir  James 
McGarel  Hogg  (the  late  Lord  Magheramorne),  the  Conservative 
candidate,  was  addressing  a  meeting  of  the  electors.     Sir  James 

in  his  rather  random  remarks,  made  statements  which  Mr  E 

H ,  a  son  of  a  prominent  Liberal,  felt  bound  to  "  question" — 

and  this  more  than  once.  Being  nettled  at  this.  Sir  James  made 
a  digression  which  cost  him  more  than  he  bargained  for.    "  There 

is  a  young  man  here,"  said  he,  pointing  at  Mr  H ,  "who 

behaves  as  if  he  thought  he  had  come  to  the  Zoological  Gardens." 
'*  Yes,  so  I  have,"  said  Mr  H ,  "  come  to  see  the  Hogg."    [20] 

"  Wine  Ofi&ce  Court." 

Douglas  Jerrold  and  a  friend  had  been  dining  together  at  "The 
Old  Cheshire  Cheese,"  in  Wine  Office  Court,  Fleet  Street,  when, 
his  friend,  having  taken  too  much  wine,  Douglas  took  him  out 
into  the  Court  for  fresh  air.  Here,  however,  his  friend  became 
sick.  Just  at  that  moment  a  stranger  approached  and  asked 
Douglas  if  that  was  "  Wine  Office  Court."  "  No,"  replied  Jerrold, 
"  th^  is  wine  ofif  his  stomach." 

"  Contingencies  " — Defined. 

Theodore  Hook  used  to  describe  contingencies  as  ' '  things  that 
never  happen."    [28] 

An  EcclesiasticaJ.  Comforter. 

Before  the  first  Bishop  of  New  Zealand  left  England,  Sydney 
Smith,  in  taking  leave,  affected  to  impress  upon  his  friend  the 
dangers  of  his  mission  : 

"You  will  find,"  he  said,  "in  preaching  to  the  cannibals,  that 


20  EVERYBODTS  BOOK  OF 

their  attention,  instead  of  being  occupied  by  the  spirit,  will  be 
concentrated  on  the  flesh  ;  for  I  am  told  that  they  never  breakfast 
without  a  cold  missionary  on  the  sideboard." 

In  shaking  hands  with  the  new  prelate,  as  he  was  leaving  the 
house,  Smith  added:  "Good-bye.  We  shall  never  meet  again; 
but  let  us  hope  that  you  may  thoroughly  disagree  with  the 
savage  that  eats  you. "    [2] 

The  Origin  of  the  Term,  "  The  Republic  of  Letters." 

Tom  Hood  suggested  that  the  phrase, ' '  republic  of  letters,"  was  hit 
upon  to  insinuate  that,  taking  the  whole  lot  of  authors  together, 
they  had  not  a  sovereign  amongst  them. 

Piscatorial  Discussion  at  a  Musical  Party. 

Theodore  Hook  was  at  a  musical  party,  at  which  a  young  lady 
attempted  to  sing  a  very  difficult  song,  which  she  gave  with  exag- 
gerated feeling  and  a  great  many  blunders. 

"  Don't  you  adore  her  singing  ? "  asked  a  gushing  old  lady,  who 
sat  next  Hook  ;  "  it's  so  full  of  souL" 

"Well,  madam,  for  my  part,"  answered  the  wit,  "there  seems 
more  of  the  flounder,  than  the  sole  about  it."    [28] 

Stopping  a  Leaky  Cas-pipe. 

Jerrold  had  a  friend  who  was  fond  of  imphnngin  his  conversa- 
tion that  he  was  very  well  connected,  and  who  frequently  referred 
to  "my  friend.  Lord"  this,  and  "my  chum.  Lord"  tJiat.  Riding 
out  with  Douglas  Jerrold  one  day  the  conversation  turned  on 
fish. 

"  Ah,"  said  the  swell,  "  d'you  know  I  was  dining  at  Lord 'a 

the  other  evening,  and  I  was  very  much  surprised  that  there  was 
no  fish  on  the  table." 

"No  need  to  be  surprised,"  said  Douglas  ;  "  that  was  because 
they  had  eaten  it  all  upstairs."    [4] 

Thoughts  on  Book-borrowing-. 

Those  who  have  collected  books,  and  whose  good  nature  has 
prompted  them  to  accommodate  their  friends  with  them,  will  feel 
the  sting  at  an  answer  which  was  made  to  one  who  lamented  the 
difficulty  which  he  found  in  persuading  his  friends  to  return  the 
volumes  that  he  lent  them. 

*  Sir/  he  said,  ''  your  acquaintance  find,  I  suppose,  that  it  is 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  21 

easier  to  retain  the  books  themselves  than  what  is  contained  in 
them. " 


An  English  gentleman  has  the  foltewing  quotations  on  a  name- 
plate  which  he  places  in  every  one  of  his  books.  At  the  top  it 
reads:  "  The  wicked  borroweth  and  payeth  not  again."  At  the 
bottom  :  "  Go  ye  rather  to  them  that  sell,  and  buy  for  yourselves." 
The  beauty  of  these  quotations  is  that  they  "hit"  none  buttrans- 
gressoi-s,  and  do  not  touch  any  who  choose  to  keep  themselves  out- 
side their  scope,  by  either  buying  books  or  returning  those  they 
have  borrowed. 

The  unscrupulousness  of  some  borrowers  is  no  doubt  tacitly  re- 
ferred to  in  the  Scripture  passage  :  "  Lend,  hoping  for  nothing  in 
return."    [20] 

Sir  Walter  Scott  said  that  bad  arithmeticians  were  often  very 
good  hook-heepers ;  and  it  is  the'  general  opinion  that  more  people 
understand  hook-keeping  than  hook-reiurning.  Why  there  is  less 
shame  felt  by  people  who  borrow  books  and  forget  or  neglect  to 
return  them,  than  is  felt  on  account  of  other  borrowed  articles 
— for  example,  money — is  a  mystery. 

A  Genuine  "  Turner." 
Turner  the  painter  was  a  ready  wit.  Once,  at  a  dinner,  where 
several  artists,  amateurs,  and  literary  men  were  convened,  a  poet, 
by  way  of  Jpeing  very  facetious,  proposed  as  a  toast  the  health  of 
the  p>ainiers  and  glaziers  of  Great  Britain,  The  toast  was  dinink, 
and  Turner,  after  returning  thanks  for  it,  proposed  the  health  of 
the  British  paper-stainers. 

"  Not  a  Seat  to  Be  Had." 

Dr  Johnson  treated  Mrs  Siddons,  who  called  upon  him  in  Bolt 
Court,  with  the  most  marked  politeness.  Frank,  his  servant, 
could  not  immediately  bring  her  a  chair. 

"You  see,  madam,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  wherever  you  go,  there 
isn't  a  seat  to  be  had." 

More  Practical  than  Patriotic. 

A  clergyman  was  descanting  to  the  boys  in  a  day  school  on  the 
necessity  of  growing  up  good  and  useful  citizens.  In  order  to 
give  emphasis  to  his  remarks  by  appealing  to  their  patriotic 
feelings,  he  pointed  to  a  large  flag  hung  up  on  the  wall  of  the 
school,  and  exclaimed,  "Boys,  what  is  that  for  ? '' 


22  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

A  little  urchin,  who  understood  the  condition  of  the  room 
better  than  the  speaker's  rhetoric,  shouted  out,  "To  hide  the  dirt, 
sir  !" 

Disraeli's  Sense  of  "Fitness." 

Since  Lord  Kosslyn's  death  we  have  seen  no  allusion  to  the  well- 
known  manner  in  which  he  received  his  appointment  as  Lord 
High  Commissioner  to  the  Church  of  Scotland.  His  services  to 
his  party,  and  his  undoubted  abilities,  made  it  impossible  to 
pass  him  over.  "What  can  we  do  ■ndth  Eosslyn?"  said  Dizzy. 
"Make  him  Master  of  the  Buckhounds,  as  his  father  was," 
suggested  one  of  his  colleagues.  "No,"  said  the  Premier,  "he 
swears  far  too  much  for  that ;  we  will  make  him  High  Commis- 
sioner to  the  Church  of  Scotland  ! "  And  an  excellent  commis- 
sioner he  made.     [17] 

What  the  Scotch  Cannot  Help. 

When  Boswell  was  introduced  to  Johnson  in  Mr  Davies'  back 
parlour,  recollecting  the  strong  prejudice  of  the  great  man  towards 
the  Scotch,  he  begged  his  host  not  to  tell  where  he  came  from. 
This  at  once  put  it  into  Davies'  head  to  introduce  him  as  "from 
Scotland." 

Boswell,  fearful  of  the  eflFect  this  might  have,  exclaimed,  "Mr 
Johnson,  I  do  indeed  come  from  Scotland,  but  I  cannot  help  it." 

He  received  the  crushing  answer  :  "  That,  sir,  I  find,  is  what  a 
very  great  many  of  youi-  countrymen  cannot  help. "     [26] 
Double  Meanings.  , 

A  young  man  from  the  country  lately  volunteered  his  services 
to  escort  a  young  lady  home  from  a  party.  On  his  way  he 
cudgelled  his  brains  for  some  interesting  topic  of  conversation  to 
amuse  her  with,  but  in  vain  ;  he  could  hit  upon  nothing  until 
they  met  several  cows,  when  the  swain  said,  with  much  simplicity 
of  manner,  "Now,  isn't  it  strange,  what  a  motherly  appearance  a 
cow  has  ? "  To  which  the  lady  replied,  "  I  do  not  think  it  strange, 
sir,  that  a  cow  should  have  a  motherly  appearance — to  a  calf." 
The  beau  was  silent  during  the  rest  of  the  walk. 


A  gentleman,  who  went  to  take  a  lodging,  asked  the  maid- 
servant, a  remarkably  handsome  girl,  whether  she  was  to  be  let 
with  the  lodging.     She  answered,  "  No,  she  was  to  be  let  alone." 

Dr  A ,  physician  at  Newcastle,  being  summoned  to  a  vestry 

in  order  to  reprimand  the  sexton  for  drunkennes.s,  he  dwelt  sp 


EXGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  23 

Double  Meanings — continued. 

long  on  the  sexton's  misconduct,  as  to  raise  his  indignation  so  far 
as  to  draw  from  him  this  expression  :  "Sir,  I  was  in  hopes  you 
would  have  treated  my  failings  with  more  gentleness,  or  that  you 
would  have  been  the  last  man  alive  to  appear  against  me,  as  / 
have  covered  so  many  blunders  of  yours." 


Pope,  who  was  small  and  deformed,  sneering  at  the  ignorance 
of  a  young  man,  asked  if  he  knew  what  an  interrogation  was. 
"Yes,  sir,"  said  he,  "'tis  a  little  crooked  thing  that  asks 
questions." 

A  fellow  set  out  a  sign  pretending  to  cure  agues,  which  he 
spelled  egoes.  Some  one  said  to  Swift,  "  How  does  that  fellow 
profess  to  cure  agues  { "  He  replied,  "  I  don't  know,  but  I  am 
sure  it  is  not  by  spell." 

Dimning,  the  celebrated  barrister,  was  addicted  to  the  low  and 
unpardonable  vice  of  turning  witnesses  into  ridicule  at  their 
examinations.  One  morning  he  was  telling  Mr  Solicitor-General 
Lee  that  he  had  bought  a  few  good  manors  in  Devonshire,  near  his 
native  village  of  Ashbui-ton. 

"I  wish,"  said  Lee,  "you  would  bring  some  of  them  into 
Westminster  Hall ;  for,  upon  my  honour,  you  have  most  need  of 
them  there." 

Campbell  Forster  was  once  addressing  a  jury,  and  was  much 
annoyed  by  Digby  Seymour's  carrying  on  a  conversation  the 
while.  Presently  he  lost  patience,  and  in  his  best  brogue  said, 
"  Pray,  Mr  Say  more,  be  quiet."  "  My  name  is  not  Saymore,  but 
Seymour,"  corrected  Digby  ;  whereupon  Forster  angrily  rejoined, 
"  Then,  sir,  see  more,  and  say  less." 


A  young  lady  at  school,  engaged  in  the  study  of  grammar,  was 
asked  if  "  Kiss  "  was  a  common  or  proper  noun.  After  some 
he.sitation  she  replied,  "  It  is  both  common  and  proper,  according 
to  circumstaEces. " 


A  poor  man  being  laughed  at  for  wearing  a  short  cloak,  said, 
"  It  will  be  long  enough  before  I  have  done  with  it." 


One  day  when  a  celebrated  barrister  was  on  his  way  to  West* 


24  E  VER  YBOD  rS  BOOR  OF 

Double  Meanings — continued. 

minster  Hall  with  his  large  bag  full  of  briefs,  he  was  impudently 
accosted  by  a  boy,  who  asked  him  if  he  was  a  dealer  in  old  clothes. 
"No,"  replied  the  barrister,  "these  are  all  new  mils.'" 

"  Doctor,"  said  a  friend,  stopping  him  in  the  street,  ''  what  do 
you  take  for  a  heavy  cold  ? " 

"A  fee,"  replied  the  doctor,  softly,  and  passed  on. 


A  canon  of  Windsor  enjojnng  a  stroll, 

One  day  when  the  evening  was  fine. 
Met  one  of  his  vicars,  a  right  jolly  soul. 

Now  rather  elated  with  wine. 

"Ah,  sir,"  said  the  latter,  a  little  dismayed, 

"  To  see  me,  you  wonder,  no  doubt ; 
I've  stayed  over  long  with  my  friend,  I'm  afraid, 

Indeed,  we've  been  spinning  it  out." 

"From  your  manner  of  walking  your  tale  I  don't  doubt, 
Though  'tis  wrong  in  these  follies  to  roam  ; 

I  see,"  he  replied,  "  you've  been  spinning  it  out. 
And  now  you  are  reeling  it  home." 

A  deacon  once  formed  his  Sunday-school  into  line,  and  marched 
them  along  the  aisles — himself  in  front — singing:  "Hold  the 
Fort."  The  consternation  which  seized  aU  parties  at  the  second 
stanza — 

"See  the  mighty  host  advancing, 
Satan  leading  on — " 

can  be  better  imagined  than  described.     Deacon  B.  has  objected 
to  new  methods  ever  since. 


At  a  dinner-party  not  long  since,  an  eminent  Bishop  was  heard 
to  read  the  following  letter  from  his  hovisekeeper  with  a  perfectly 
immoved  countenance :  "  My  lord,  the  emu  has  laid  an  egg;  in 
your  lordship's  absence,  I  have  put  it  under  the  biggest  goose." 

A  spunger  was  reproached  one  day  for  dining  so  often  among 
his  friends, 

"What  would  you  have  me  do  ?  "  answered  he  :  "I  am  pressed 
to  do  it." 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  25 

Double  Meanings — continued. 

"True,"  answered  Monk  Lewis,  "there  is  nothing  more  pressing 
than  hunger." 

"Your  horse  has  a  tremendous  long  bit,"  said  a  friend  to 
Theodore  Hook. 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  "  it  is  a  hit  too  long. 


"  My  friends,"  said  a  builder,  whose  health  had  been  drunk  at 
a  dinner  in  celebration  of  the  completion  of  a  public  hall  which 
he  had  constructed — "My  friends,  I  would  gladly  express  my 
feelings  did  I  not  feel  that  I  am  better  fitted  for  the  scaffold  than 
for  pubUc  speaking. " 

"  Did  you  present  your  account  to  the  defendant  ?  "  inquired  a 
lawyer  of  a  client. 

"  I  did,  your  honour." 

* '  And  what  did  he  say  ? " 

" He  told  me  to  go  to  the  devil." 

' '  And  what  did  yon  do  then  ? " 

"  Why  then — I  came  to  you. " 


"  I  cannot  imagine,"  said  Lord  Aberdeen,  "  why  the  war-party 
in  France  are  always  putting  out  their  tongues  at  us."  "  It  is  very 
easily  explained,"  replied  Lord  Brougham  :— "it  is  because  they 
want  to  lick  us." 


The  celebrated  Dr  South,  the  witty  chaplain  of  King  Charles  IL, 
one  day  called  on  his  old  friend  and  fellow-collegian,  Dr  Waterford, 
who  pressed  him  to  stay  to  dinner.  Mrs  W. ,  however,  thought 
her  aiTangements  disturbed,  and  refused  to  make  any  addition  to 
the  leg  of  mutton  already  provided,  saying,  "she  would  not  be 
put  out  of  her  way — that  she  would  not ; "  the  husband,  provoked 
beyond  all  patience,  declared  that,  if  it  were  not  for  the  stranger 
in  the  house,  he  would  thrash  her.  Dr  South,  who  heard  all  this 
through  a  thin  partition,  hallooed  out,  "  Dear  doctor  !  as  we  have 
been  friends  so  long,  I  beseech  you  not  to  make  a  stranger  of  me 
on  this  occasion."     [11] 

He  was  a  great  bore,  and  was  talking  to  a  crowd  about  the 
local  coming  election.     He  said,  "  Jones  is  a  good  man  ;    he  is 


26  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Double  ISIeanings — continued. 

capable,  honest,  fearless,  and  conscientious.  He  will  make  the 
very  kind  of  officer  we  need.  He  once  saved  my  life  from 
drowning." 

"  Do  you  really  want  to  see  Jones  elected  ? "  said  a  solemn- faced 
old  man. 

"  I  do  indeed.  I'd  do  anj-thing  to  see  him  elected,"  said  the 
bore. 

"  Then  never  let  anybody  know  he  saved  your  life,"  counselled 
the  solemn-faced  man. 


Lord  Bridport,  when  he  commanded  the  Channel  Fleet,  was 
called  the  "  whiting  catcher,"  from  his  being  so  often  in  port.  At 
a  dinner  given  by  the  Mayor  of  Plymouth,  he  said  : 

"  Captain  Trowbridge,  I  suppose  you  have  no  objection  to  fill  a 
bumper  to  the  health  of  our  commander-in-chief  ? " 

"  Not  any,"  replied  the  captain  ;  "but  hand  me  the  claret,  for 
I  am  quite  tired  of  drinking  him  in  poH. " 

A  schoolmaster  inquired  of  one  of  his  pupils  on  a  cold  day  in 
winter  what  was  the  Latin  word  for  **  cold  "  ? 

"  I  can't  remember  it  at  the  moment,"  said  the  boy,  "  but  I 
have  it  at  my  fingers'  ends." 

"What  if  I  were  one  of  those  husbands,  my  dear,  who  get  up 
cross  in  the  morning  and  bang  things  about,  and  kick  like  every 
thing,  just  because  the  coffee  is  cold  ?  " 

"John,"  responded  his  wife,  "I  would  make  it  hot  for  you." 
As  her  words  admitted  of  more  than  one  interpretation,  John 
said  nothing  more  about  the  coffee. 

An  Editor,  in  reply  to  a  young  writer  who  wished  to  know 
which  magazine  would  give  him  the  highest  position  qmckest, 
advised,  ' '  A  powder  magazine,  especially  if  you  contribute  a  fiery 
article." 


A  new  story  was  called  "The  Editor's  Purse."    We  have  seen 
it.     There  is  nothing  in  it. 


Lecturer's  Wife:  "Well,  John,  back  from  your  lecture  trip  at 
last  ?  Did  you  carry  your  audiences  with  you  ?  " 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  27 

Double  Meanings— co7ifm«ec?. 

Lecturer  :  "  No  ;  but  I  could  have  done  so.  They  were  small 
enough." 

The  Duke  of  Wellington,  in  a  debate  in  the  House  of 
Commons,  stated  that  two  Irish  clergymen  had  been  murdered. 
A  noble  lord  exclaimed  : 

"  No,  no  ;  one  !  " 

Whereupon  the  Duke  rejoined  :  "  If  I  am  mistaken,  I  am  sorry 
for  it." 


A  printer  observing  two  bailififs  pursuing  an  ingenious  but 
distressed  author,  remarked,  "that  it  was  a  new  edition  of  'The 
Pursuits  of  Literature,'  mibov.nd,  but  hot-pressed." 


In  the  newspaper  account  of  an  inquest  held  on  the  body  of 
a  glutton,  who  died  by  devouring  part  of  a  goose,  the  verdict 
suffocation  was  misprinted  stuffocation. 


On  one  occasion  a  large  and  well-known  firm  in  St  Paul's 
churchyard  sent  a  set  of  circulars  to  be  printed,  announcing  a 
sale  of  goods  in  their  various  departments  at  an  early  date.  One 
of  the  circulars  ran  thus  :  "  On  Monday,  the  25th  inst.,  we  shall 
offer,  at  wonderfully  low  prices,  the  remains  of  a  city  merchant." 
The  Printer's  reader,  when  he  sent  out  the  proof,  put  this  query 
in  the  margin  :  ' '  Hadn't  you  better  bury  them  ? "     [20] 

Dr  Byles  was  once  arrested,  and  subsequently  tried,  convicted, 
and  sentenced  to  confinement  on  board  a  guardship.  This 
sentence  was  changed  to  confinement  in  his  own  house.  A  guard 
was  placed  over  him.  After  a  time  the  sentinel  was  removed, 
afterwards  replaced,  and  again  removed,  when  the  doctor  ex- 
claimed that  he  had  been  guarded,  regarded,  and  disregarded.   [11] 

After  a  consultation  a  lawyer  and  his  client  emerged  from  the 
office  of  the  former.  "  Do  you  always  lock  your  office  when  you 
go  out  ?  "  asked  the  client. 

"Yes,  of  course,"  answered  the  lawyer;  "I  don't  want  any 
rascal  to  get  into  my  office  before  I  return." 

At  an  election  for  the  town  of  Bedford,  Mr  Whitbread  and 
Howard  the  philanthropist  were  opposed  by  Sir  William  Wake 


28  £ VER YBOD Y'S  BOOK  OF 

Double  MEAyivcs—contmuvd. 

and  a  Mr  Sparrow.  A  clergyman  of  the  Established  Church,  a 
warm  supporter  of  the  patriotic  candidates,  one  Sunday  morning 
during  the  heat  of  the  election,  took  for  his  text  that  passage 
from  St  Matthew's  Gospel,  in  which  the  question  is  proposed  by 
our  Lord  to  His  disciples  :  "  Are  not  two  sparroics  sold  for  a  far- 
thing ? "  Whence  this  encouragement  to  their  perseverance  and 
their  fate  is  deduced  :  "  Fear  ye  not,  therefore,  ye  are  of  more 
value  than  many  span-oics."     [11] 

The  late  Sir  Robert  Peel  was  strongly  impressed  with  Hook's 
conversational  powers  and  the  genuine  readiness  of  his  wit ;  in 
illustration  of  this,  he  used  to  relate,  among  others,  the  follow- 
ing anecdote :— One  morning,  at  Drayton  Manor,  where  Hook 
was  staying  as  a  guest,  some  one  after  breakfast  happened  to 
read  out  from  the  newspaper  a  paragraph,  in  which  a  well- 
known  coroner  was  charged  with  having  had  a  coi*pse  un- 
necessarily disinterred.  The  ladies  were  very  severe  in  con- 
demnation of  such  unfeeling  conduct ;  a  gallant  captain, 
however,  who  was  present,  took  up  the  cudgels  in  behalf  of 
the  accused,  maintaining  that  he  was  a  very  kind-hearted  man, 
and  incapable  of  doing  anything  without  strong  reasons,  cal- 
culated to  annoy  the  friends  of  the  deceased.  The  contest 
waxed  warm. 

"Come,"  said  Captain  ,  at  length  turning  to  Hook,  who 

was  poring  over  the  Times  in  a  comer  of  the  room,  and  who  had 

taken  no  part  in  the  discussion,  "you  know  W ,  what  do 

you  think  of  him?  Is  he  not  a  good-tempered,  good-natured 
fellow  ? " 

•'Indeed  he  is,"  replied  Hook,  laying  aside  his  paper,  "I  should 
say  he  was  the  very  man  to  give  a  body  a  lift."    [28] 

Daniel  Purcell,  who  was  a  non- juror,'  was  telling  a  friend  that 
when  King  George  the  First  landed  at  Greenwich,  he  had  a  full 
view  of  him. 

"Then,"  said  his  friend,  "you  know  him  by  sight."  "Yes," 
replied  Daniel,  "  I  think  I  know  him,  hut  I  can't  sicear  to  him." 


Douglas  Jerrold  never  learned  to  talk  with  -common  patience  of 
the  translator's  office  ;  and  he  regarded  the  adaptor  as  somebody 
who  managed   to   cozen  a  reputation  for  originality  from  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  BUMOUR.  29 

Double  Meanings — continued. 
foreigner.     Discussing  one  day  with  Mr  Planche  this  vexed  ques- 
tion, this  gentleman  insisted  upon  claiming  some  of  his  characters 
as  strictly  original  creations. 

"Do  you  remember  my  baroness  in  Ask  no  Questions  ?  "  said  Mr 
Planche. 

"Yes.     Indeed,  I  don't  think  I  ever  saw  a  piece  of  yours  with- 
out being  struck  by  your  barrenness,"  was  the  retort. 

This  closed  the  discussion  with  a  hearty  laugh.     [25] 


A  celebrated  punster  was  once  asked  to  make  an  extemporaneous 
pun.  "  Upon  what  subject  ? "  inquired  the  punster.  "  Upon  the 
King,"  said  one  of  the  company.  "  Oh,"  said  the  wit,  "  the  Kirtg 
is  no  subject." 

A  friend — let  us  say  Barlow — was  describing  to  my  father  the 
story  of  his  courtship  and  marriage — how  his  wife  had  been 
brought  up  in  a  convent,  and  was  on  the  point  of  taking  the 
veil  when  his  presence  burst  upon  her  enraptured  sight.  My 
father  listened  to  the  end  of  the  story,  and  by  way  of  com- 
ment said,  "  Ah !  she  evidently  thought  Barlow  better  than 
nuB."    [25] 

We  have  heard  of  a  minister  who,  when  the  anthem  had  con- 
cluded, rose  and  commenced  reading  Acts  xx.  :  — "  And  after  the 
uproar  was  ceased."  That  is  a  story  on  the  side  of  the  pulpit. 
We  are  favoured  with  the  following  on  the  side  of  the  choir.  The 
minister  finished  his  discotirse  and  sat  down,  and  the  choir  rose 
and  sang,  "  It  is  time  to  awake  from  sleep." 

In  the  reign  of  George  II.,  the  see  of  York  falling  vacant,  and 
his  Majesty  being  at  a  loss  for  a  fit  person  to  appoint  to  the 
exalted  ofifice,  asked  the  opinion  of  the  Kev.  Dr  Mountain,  who 
had  raised  himself,  by  his  remarkably  facetious  temper,  from 
being  the  son  of  a  beggar  to  the  see  of  Durham.  The  doctor 
wittily  replied,  "Hadst  thou  faith  as  a  grain  of  mustard-seed, 
thou  wouldst  say  to  this  Mountain  "  (at  the  same  time  laying  his 
hand'on  his  breast),  "  'Be  removed,  and  be  cast  into  the  sea  (see).'" 
The  king  laughed  heartily,  and  forthwith  conferred  the  prefer- 
ment on  the  facetious  doctor.     [11] 

A  parish  minister  once  took  occasion,  in  the  pulpit,  to  describe 


30  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Double  Meanings — continued. 

the  devotional  and  solemn  effect  of  the  organ  in  public  worship, 
and  to  solicit  a  contribution  from  the  congregation  to  procure  one. 
On  commg  out  of  church  a  gentleman  observed  to  a  friend,  "  I 
will  give  nothing  towards  the  organ.  I  mean  to  present  the  table 
of  commandments." 

"I  advise  j^ou,"  replied  the  friend,  '^ to  keep  the  commandments^ 
and  give  something  else  to  the  church." 


The  Bishop  of  Oxford  having  sent  round  to  the  churchwardens 
in  his  diocese  a  circular  of  inquiries,  among  which  was  :  "  Does 
your  officiating  clergyman  preach  the  gospel,  and  is  his  conversa- 
tion and  carriage  consistent  therewith  ?  "  the  churchwarden  of 
Wallingford  replied  :  ''  He  preaches  the  gospel,  but  does  not 
keep  a  carriage."    [11] 

An  Appropriate  Description. 

Theodore  Hook  said  to  some  man  with  whom  a  bibliopolist 
dined  the  other  day,  and  got  extremely  drunk,  "  Why,  you 
appear  to  me  to  have  emptied  your  2Pi/te-cellar  into  your  hook- 
seller."    [33] 

A  Greater  Reform  than  "Tlie  Reformation." 

Judge  Burnet,  son  of  the  famous  bishop  of  Salisbury,  when 
young  is  said  to  have  been  of  a  wild  and  dissipated  turn.  Being 
one  day  found  by  his  father  in  a  very  serious  humour,  "  What  is 
the  matter  vrith  you,  Tom?"  says  the  bishop;  '"'what  are  you 
ruminating  on  ?  " 

"  A  greater  work  than  your  lordship's  '  History  of  the  Reforma- 
tion,' "  answered  the  son. 

"  Ay  !  what  is  that  ? "  asked  the  father. 

"  The  reformation  of  myself,  my  lord,"  replied  the  son. 

Gladstone  as  a  Boy— or,  "  Coming  Round  to  WiUie's  Opinion." 

John  Gladstone,  the  father  of  the  ex-premier  of  C4reat  Britain, 
trained  his  children  to  give  a  reason  for  "every  opinion  they 
offered.  It  was  in  this  way  that  WUliam  E.  Gladstone  was  early 
trained  to  debate. 

On  one  occasion,  William  and  his  sister  Mary  disputed  as  to 
where  a  certain  picture  ought  to  be  hung.  An  old  Scotch  servant 
came  in  with  a  ladder,  and  stood  irresolute  while  the  argument 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  31 

progressed,  but  as  Miss  Mary  would  not  yield,  William  gallantly 
ceased  from  speech,  though  unconvinced  of  course.  The  servant 
then  hung  up  the  picture  where  the  young  lady  ordered,  but 
when  he  had  done  this  he  crossed  the  room  and  hammered  a  nail 
into  the  opposite  wall.     He  was  asked  why  he  did  this. 

"Aweel,  miss,  that  will  do  to  hang  the  picture  on  when  ye'll 
have  come  round  to  Master  WUlie's  opeenion." 

The  family  generally  did  come  round  to  William's  opinion,  for 
the  resources  of  his  tongue-fencing  were  wonderful,  and  his  father, 
who  admired  a  clever  feint  as  much  as  a  straight  thrust,  never 
failed  to  encourage  him  by  saying,  "  Hear,  hear  !  Well  said  !  Well 
put,  Willie  !  "  if  the  young  debater  bore  himself  well  in  the 
encounter. 

"Never  Forget  the  Dear  Ones." 
Never  forget  the  dear  ones, 
Buy  always  of  the  cheap  ; 
If  you've  a  numerous  family 

"Which  you're  obliged  to  keep. 
No,  don't  forget  the  dear  ones, 

When  you  a-shopping  go  ; 
Or  you  will  soon  discover 
Your  pui-se  is  getting  low.     [1] 

"Blindness"  Explained. 
This  is  another  anecdote  told  of  the  late  Rev.  Kobert  Hall. 
When  discussing  one  day  the  necessity  of  church  reform  with  a 
clergyman,  who,  after  being  educated  by  the  Dissenters,  obtained 
a  conviction  of  the  purity  of  the  Established  Church,  and  a 
lucrative  living  within  her  pale  at  the  same  time,  Mr  Hall  illus- 
trated this  kind  of  logical  process  in  a  way  unsurpassed  in  the 
history  of  sarcasm.  This  gentleman's  constant  refuge,  when  hard 
driven  by  the  arguments  of  Mr  Hall,  was,  "  I  can't  see  it," — "I 
don't  see  it," — "  I  can't  see  that  at  all."  At  last  Mr  Hall  took  a 
letter  from  his  pocket,  and  wrote  on  the  back  of  it  with  his  pencil 
in  small  letters  the  word  "  God."  "  Do  you  see  that  ? " — "  Yes." 
He  then  covered  it  with  a  piece  of  gold.  "  Do  you  see  it  now  ? " 
— "  No." — "  I  must  wish  you  good  morning,  sir,"  said  Hall ;  and 
left  him  to  his  meditations.     [11] 

A  Heavy  Charge. 

An  able  and  learned  judge  is  said  to  have  been  once  obliged  to 
deliver  the  following  charge  to  a  jury  : — "  Gentlemen  of  the  jury  • 


32  E VER  YBOD Y'S  BOOK  OF 

in  this  case  the  counsel  on  both  sides  are  unintelligible  ;  the  wit- 
nesses are  incredible  ;  and  both  the  plaintiff  and  defendant  are 
such  bad  characters,  that  to  me  it  is  indifferent  which  way  you 
give  your  verdict." 

"  Composition  and  Decomposition." 

One  of  Bishop  Bloomfield's  best  &o>i5  mots  was  uttered  during  his 
last  illness. 

He  inquired  what  had  been  the  subject  of  his  two  archdeacons* 
charges,  and  was  told  that  one  was  "On  the  Art  of  Making  Ser- 
mons," and  the  other  "  On  Churchyards."  "  Oh,  I  see,"  said  the 
bishop — "  Composition  and  decomposition." 

Taking  it  Coolly. 

A  man  having  published  another  as  a  liar,  a  scoundrel,  and  a 
poltrotin,  the  latter  complains  that  he  does  not  spell  poltroon 
correctly. 

"  Seeing  Double." 

When  Black-Eyed  S^isan  was  in  rehearsal  at  the  Surrey  Theatre, 
an  important  person — in  his  own  estimation — strutted  upon  the 
stage,  and,  speaking  of  Elliston,  the  -  bacchanalian  manager, 
exclaimed  in  an  angry  voice,  — 

"  How  is  this  ?  I  can  see  a  duke  or  a  prime  minister  any  time  in 
the  morning,  but  I  can  never  see  Mr  Elliston. " 

"There's  one  comfort,"  Douglas  Jerrold  replied,  "  if  Elliston  is 
invisible  in  the  morning,  he'll  do  the  handsome  thing  any  after- 
noon by  seeing  you  twice,  for  at  that  time  of  day  he  invariably 
sees  double."    [25] 

Woman's  Position  in  the  Scale  of  Beauty. 

In  the  year  1880,  happening  to  be  in  Bii-mingham  during  the 
period  covered  by  the  General  Election  of  that  year,  I  called  on  a 
jeweller  in  New  Street,  to  show  him  some  beautiful  engravings. 
While  in  the  act,  Dr ,  a  leading  Tory,  drove  up  and  entered. 

The  jeweller  said  to  me,  "  Here  come's  Dr ,  I  wiU  introduce 

you  to  him,  and  he  will  be  pleased  to  see  your  engravings."  Ac- 
cordingly he  did  so,  saying  :  "  You  are  fond  of  t^autiful  things, 
Doctor;  just  look  here." 

"  Oh,  yes,  Mr  D ,"  said  the  Doctor  (who  was  a  bachelor), 

looking  at  .Mrs  D ,  who  was  present.      "  Yes,  I'm  fond  of 

everything  beautiful,  from  a  lady  upwards." 


ENGLISH  WIT  A XD  HUMOUR.  33 

"  Pardon  me,  Doctor,"  said  I,  advancing ;  "  I  am  sure  you  meant 
to  say,  "  '  From  a  lady  downwards.' " 

"You  are  quite  right,"  said  the  doctor,  laughing  heartily  ;  "of 
coxirse  I  meant  to  say  that.  And  now,  will  you  kindly  exchange 
cards  with  me  ?  "  This  was  done,  and  we  shook  hands  and  parted. 
[20] 

Obliging  the  Judges. 

A  barrister  was  met  by  a  friend  the  other  day  in  the  street' 
laden  with  a  lot  of  law-books.  Pointing  at  the  books,  bis  friend 
said,  "Why,  I  thought  you  carried  all  that  stuff  in  your  head  !  " 
"  I  do,"  quickly  replied  the  lawyer  with  a  knowing  wink  ;  "  these 
are  for  the  judges." 

Catcliing  Himself  Out. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  an  ostler,  who  was  sent  to  the  stable  to 
bring  forth  a  traveller's  horse.  Not  knowing  which  of  the  two 
strange  horses  in  the  stall  belonged  to  the  traveller,  and  wishing 
to  avoid  the  appearance  of  ignorance  in  his  business,  he  saddled 
both  animals  and  brought  them  to  the  door. 

The  traveller  pointed  out  his  own  horse,  saying,  "That's  my 
nag." 

"  Certainly,  your  honour,  I  know  that  very  well ;  but  I  didn't 
know  which  was  the  other  gentleman's." 

Truth  and  Patience. 

Douglas  Jerrold's  raot  about  truth,  was  that  "  In  this  world  truth 
can  wait ;  she's  used  to  it. " 

Why  the  Drunkard  Couldn't  Get  In. 

The  exquisite  confusion  of  Douglas  Jerrold's  tipsy  gentleman, 
who,  after  scraping  the  door  for  an  hour  with  his  latch-key,  leans 
back,  and  exclaims:  "By  Jove!  some  scoundrel  has  stolen — 
stolen — the  keyhole  !  "  comes  as  near  farce  as  any  of  his  illustra- 
tions. 

Accommodating  His  Auditor. 

On  one  saying  to  another,  "You  speak  foolishly,"  the  latter 
answered,  "  It  is  that  you  may  understand  me." 

Puritan  Wit. 
"While  the  Bill  against  Occasional  Conformity  was  still  vinder 
discussion,   the  following  characteristic  incident  occun-ed.     As 


34  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

John  Howe  (some  time  chaplain  to  Oliver  Cromwell)  was  one 
day  walking  in  St  James's  Park,  a  noble  lord,  to  whom  he  was 
well  known,  sent  his  footman  to  say  that  he  desired  to  speak  with 
him.  He  then  entered  into  conversation  about  the  obnoxious 
"Bill,"  which  he  assm-ed  Howe  "he  had  opposed  to  the  ut- 
most." Gradually  getting  warm  upon  the  subject,  he  so  far 
forgot  his  company  as  to  say,  "Damn  those  wretches  !  for  they 
are  mad,  and  will  bring  us  all  into  confusion."  Howe  calmly 
replied,  "  My  lord,  'tis  a  great  satisfaction  to  us,  who  in  aU 
affairs  of  this  nature  desire  to  look  upwards,  that  there  is  a 
God  who  governs  the  world,  to  whom  we  can  leave  the  issues 
and  events  of  things;  and  we  are  satisfied,  and  may  therefore 
be  easy,  that  He  will  not  fail  in  due  time  of  malang  a  suit- 
able retribution  to  all  according  to  their  present  carriage. 
And  this  great  Ruler  of  the  world,  my  lord,  has  among  other 
things  also  declared.  He  will  ma' e  a  difiference  between  him 
that  sweareth,  and  him  that  feareth  an  oath."  His  lordship 
was  struck  with  Howe's  reply,  and  after  a  pause  said,  "  Sir, 
I  thank  you  for  your  freedom  ;  I  understand  yoiu"  meaning.  I 
shall  endeavour  to  make  a  good  use  of  it. "  Howe  adroitly  an- 
swered, "  My  lord,  I  have  a  gi'eat  deal  more  reason  to  thank  your 
lordship,  for  saving  me  the  most  difficult  part  of  a  discourse,  which 
is  the  application."     [18] 


On  another  occasion,  when  dining  in  company  with  persons  of 
great  respectability,  a  gentleman  at  table  thought  proper  to  ex- 
patiate at  great  length  on  the  merits  of  Charles  I.  Howe,  observ- 
ing that  he  frequently  indulged  in  the  most  fearful  oaths,  quietly 
remarked,  "ITiat  in  his  enumeration  of  the  excellences  of  the 
Prince  he  had  undertaken  to  panegyrize,  he  had  totally  omitted 
one,  which  had  been  univei-sally  ascribed  to  him."  The  gentleman 
was  delighted  to  find  Mr  Howe  a  witness  in  favour  of  the  Prince 
he  so  much  praised,  and  was  quite  impatient  to  know  what  was  the 
excellence  which  had  escaped  him.  Howe  suffered  him  to  press 
for  the  infoi-mation  some  time,  and  then  told  him,  that  "  Charles 
was  never  known  to  swear  an  oath  in  his  common  conversation. " 
It  is  pleasing  to  add,  that  the  gentleman  bore  the  reproof  well,  and 
promised  to  abandon  the  habit  for  the  future.     [18] 


At  another  time,  as  he  was  walking  along  the  street,  he  came  up 
to  two  persons  of  rank,  who  were  engaged  in  a  very  angry  dispute 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  36 

with  one  another.  As  he  passed  them  he  heard  them  "damn" 
each  other  in  a  most  awful  manner.  On  this,  Howe  taking  off  his 
hat,  and  bowing  to  them  with  great  courtesy,  said,  "I  pray  God 
save  you  both."  They  were  so  struck  Avith  this  salutation,  that  they 
forgot  their  anger,  and  joined  in  thanking  him.     [18] 

Putting  on  the  "Finishing  Touch." 
Returning  to  London  once,  Douglas  Jerrold  was  recognised  in 
the  railway  carriage  by  a  gentleman  who  wished — seeing  the 
enthusiasm  with  which  Jerrold  pointed  to  the  beauties  of  the 
landscape — to  ingratiate  himself  by  the  assumption  of  an  equal 
enthusiasm.     But  the  counterfeit  was  plain  and  revolting. 

"I  take  a  book,"  said  the  stranger,  "retire  into  some  unfre- 
quented field,  lie  down,  gaze  on  God's  heaven,  then  study.  If 
there  are  animals  in  the  field  so  much  the  better ;  the  cow 
approaches,  and  looks  down  at  me  and  I  look  up  at  her. " 

' '  With  a  filial  smile  ? "  asked  the  stranger's  annoyed  hstener.  [2.5] 

She  Left  Nothing  Behind. 

"  Is  all  my  luggage  in  the  van  ?  " 
"Yes,  madam." 
"  Have  I  left  nothing  behind  ?  " 
"  No,  madam  ;  not  even  a  copper." 

Slow  and  Sure. 

Sydney  Smith  himself  tells  a  good  story  in  illustration  of  the 
deficiency  of  a  sense  of  fun.  He  had  been  treating  the  company 
at  dinner  to  one  of  his  best  things,  and  observed  all  the  table,  as 
usual,  in  a  roar,  except  one  phlegmatic  gentleman,  who  showed 
no  symptom  of  a  smile.  Some  time  after  the  ladies  had  retired 
from  dessert,  this  gentleman  broke  out  into  a  tremendous  laugh, 
and  said  :  "Oh,  I  see,  Mr  Smith,  you  meant  that" — referring  to 
bis  remark  during  dinner — "for  a  joke,  didn't  you?"  "Well, 
sir,  I  rather  think  I  did."  It  had  just  penetrated  the  inappre- 
ciative  strata  of  his  brain.     [3] 

Amusing  Tithe  Story. 
A  Quaker  barber  being  sued  by  the  clergyman  of  the  village  for 
tithes,  went  to  him  and  asked  why  he  troubled  him,  as  he  never 
had  any  dealing  with  him  in  his  whole  life. 
"  Why,"  said  the  parson,  "it  is  for  tithes." 
b2 


36  EVERYBODTS  BOOK  OF 

"For  tithes  I  "  replied  the  Quaker,   " upon  what  account  ? " 

"  Why,  for  preaching  in  the  church." 

"  Oh,  then,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "  I  have  nothing  to  pay  thee  ; 
for  I  come  not  there." 

"  Oh,  but  you  might"  objected  the  clergyman,  "for  the  doors 
are  always  open  at  convenient  times." 

The  Quaker  immediately  entered  his  action  against  the  reverend 
for  forty  shilUngs.  The  parson  inquired  for  what  he  owned  the 
money  ? 

"  Truly,  friend,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "  for  trimming." 

"  For  trimming  !  why  I  was  never  trimmed  by  you  in  my  life." 

"Oh,"  was  the  reply,  "but  thou  mightst  hare  come  and  been 
trimmed,  if  thou  hadst  pleased,  for  my  doors  are  always  open  at 
convenient  times  as  well  as  thine."     [11] 

Wordsworth's  Prettiest  Production. 
Hartley  Coleridge  once  being  asked  which  of  Wordsworth's  pro- 
ductions he  considered   the  prettiest,   promptly  replied,    "  His 
daughter  Dora." 

Lawyer  and  Clients  Known  at  a  Glance. 

Lord  Richardson,  riding  abroad  in  his  coach  to  take  air,  and 
passing  by  a  carman  whose  horses  were  of  unequal  fatness, 
called  out,  "  Sirrah,  sirrah,  resolve  me  one  question  :  Why  is  your 
foremost  horse  so  lusty  and  pampered,  and  the  rest  such  lean 
jades?" 

The  carman,  not  knowing  the  judge,  but  deeming  him  a  lawyer, 
from  his  habit,  answered,  "Why,  the  reason  is  plain  enough  ;  my 
fore  horse  is  the  counsellor,  and  all  the  I'est  his  cUents. " 

The  First  Person  Singular. 

A  supper  of  sheep's  heads  was  proposed,  and  presently  served. 
One  gentleman  present  was  particularly  enthusiastic  on  the 
excellence  of  the  dish,  and  as  he  threw  down  his  knife  and  fork, 
exclaimed,  "  Well,  sheep's  heads  for  ever  !  say  I." 

Douglas  Jerrold,  who  was  present,  at  once  remarked  :  "There's 
egoism."     [25] 

Fishing  for  a  Compliment,  and— Getting  It. 

A  young  man  ha\'ing  preached  for  his  bishop,  was  anxious  to  get 
a  word  of  applause  for  his  labour  of  love.     The  bishop,  however, 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  37 

did  not  introduce  the  subject,  and  his  younger  brother  was  obliged 
to  bait  the  hook  for  him. 

"  I  hope,  sir,  I  did  not  weary  your  people  by  the  length  of  my 
sermon  to-day  ? " 

"  No  sir,  not  at  all ;  nor  by  the  depth  either  ! " 

Once  Quite  Enough. 

"  Did  you  ever,"  said  one  preacher  to  another,  "  stand  at  the 
door  after  your  sermon,  and  listen  to  what  people  said  about  it  as 
they  passed  out  ?  " 

Replied  he  :  "I  did  once — "  a  pause  and  a  sisrh — "  but  111  never 
do  it  again. " 

Cutting  His  Comb. 

The  proud  Duke  of  Somerset  employed  Seymour  the  painter  to 
make  some  portraits  of  his  running  horses. 

One  day,  at  dinner,  he  drank  to  him  with  a  sneer :  "  Cousin 
Seymour,  your  health." 

The  painter  replied,  "  I  really  do  believe  that  I  have  the  honour 
to  be  of  your  grace's  family. " 

The  Duke,  ofif ended,  rose  from  the  table,  and  sent  his  steward  to 
pay  Seymour  and  dismiss  him. 

Another  painter  of  horses  was  sent  for,  who,  finding  himself 
unworthy  to  finish  Seymour's  work,  honestly  told  the  Duke  so. 
On  this  the  haughty  peer  condescended  once  more  to  summon  his 
cousin. 

Seymour  answered  his  mandate  in  these  words:  "My  lord,  1 
sliall  now  prove  that  I  am  of  your  grace's  family,  for  I  will  not 
come." 

An  Important  Pre-Nuptlal  Question. 

Sheridan  took  his  son  one  day  to  jtasi  upon  his  celibacy,  and 
strongly  urged  that  he  should  take  a  wife. 

"  Very  well,  father,"  answered  Tom,  "  whose  wife  shall  I 
take?" 

A  Sexton  in  Trouble. 

A_  visitor  strolled  into  a  fashionable  church  just  before  the 
service  began.  The  sexton  followed  him  up,  and  tapping  him  on 
the  shoulder,  and  pointing  to  a  small  cur  that  had  followed  him- 
into  the  sacred  edifice,  said,  "  Dogs  are  not  admitted." 


38  EVERYBODY S  BOOK  OF 

"  That's  not  my  dog,"  said  the  visitor. 
"  But  he  follows  you." 
"  Well,  so  do  you." 

The  sexton  growled,  and  removed  the  dog  with  unnecessary 
violence. 

One  Way  of  Recognising  a  Gentleman. 

Hospitable  Host :  "  Does  any  gentleman  say  pudden  ? " 
Precise  Guest :  "  No,  sir.     No  gentlevian  says  'pudden.'  " 

A  Curious  Account. 

Douglas    Jerrold's    veterinary    surgeon    at    Putney — a    great 
character — was  a  favourite  subject  with  him.     His  bill,  especially, 
was  preserved  as  a  most  laugbable  curiosity,  one  of  the  items 
being  put  thus  (referring  to  a  sick  horse) : — 
"  His  nose  was  warm,  his  ears  was  cold,  and  \ 
everjiihing    gave    signs    of    approaching  >    £0    5s.     Od." 
desolation.  ) 

[25] 

An  Organ-Grinder's  Earnings. 

"  What  do  you  make  a  week  ? "  said  a  magistrate  to  an  Italian 
organ-grinder  who  charged  a  man  with  breaking  his  instrument 
the  other  day. 

*'Vour  pound,  sare." 

"  Eh,  what  ?    Four  pounds  for  grinding  an  organ  ? 

"  No,  sare  ;  not  for  grind — vor  shut  up  and  go  away  ! " 

Playful  Thoughts  on  Marriage. 

A  Reason  Against  Marriage. — A  celebrated  wit  was  asked 
why  he  did  not  marry  a  young  lady  to  whom  he  was  much 
attached.  "I  know  no  reason,"  replied  he,  "except  the  great 
regard  we  have  for  each  other." 

Marriage  Defined  : — The  gate  through  which  the  happy  lover 
leaves  his  enchanted  regions  and  returns  to  earth. — "Did  you 
ever,"  says  Sydney  Smith,  "hear  my  definition  of  marriage  ?  It 
is,  that  it  resembles  a  pair  of  shears,  so  joined  that  they  cannot 
be  separated  ;  often  moving  in  opposite  directions,  yet  always 
punishing  anyone  who  comes  between  them."  [2] — A  clergyman, 
while  engaged  in  catechising  a  number  of  boys,  asked  one  of  them 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  39 

for  a  definition  of  matrimony.  The  reply  was,  "  A  place  of  punish- 
ment, where  some  folks  suffer  for  a  long  time  before  they  can 
go  to  Heaven." 

A  Poser. — A  Roman  prelate  once  asked  an  old  woman  how 
many  sacraments  there  were  ? — to  which  she  observed  that  there 
were  but  two.  "  But,"  said  the  bishop,  "  there  is  marriage  ; 
what  prevents  you  regarding  so  holy,  delightful  and  happy  a  state 
as  one  of  the  sacraments  ?  "  "  Ah  !  sir,"  replied  the  old  woman, 
"  if  it  is  so  very  good,  what  is  the  reason  you  have  never  partaken 
of  it  ? " 

Wrecked  on  the  Coral  Reefs. 

In  one  of  Douglas  Jerrold's  plays,  an  old  sailor  trying  to  snatch 
a  kiss  from  a  pretty  girl — as  old  sailors  will — received  a  box  on  the 
ear.  "There,"  exclaimed  Blue-jacket,  "like  my  luck;  always 
wrecked  on  the  coral  reefs."  The  manager,  when  the  play  was 
read  in  the  green-room,  could  not  see  the  fun,  and  the  author 
struck  it  out.     [25] 

A  Convincing  Rejoinder. 

A  celebrated  man  not  long  since  received  a  just  rebuke.  A 
lecturer  stated  that  the  aforesaid  knew  how  to  make  a  most  ex- 
cellent cup  of  coffee.  A  country  parson  wrote  to  him  asking  for 
the  recipe.  His  request  was  granted,  but  at  the  bottom  of  the 
letter  was  the  following  manifestation  of  stupendous  conceit : — "I 
hope  that  this  is  a  genuine  request,  and  not  a  surreptitious  mode 
of  securing  my  autograph." 

To  this  the  parson  replied  :  "Accept  my  thanks  for  the  recipe 
for  making  coffee.  I  wrote  in  good  faith,  and,  in  order  to  con- 
vince you  of  that  fact,  allow  me  to  return  what  it  is  obvious 
you  infinitely  prize,  but  which  is  of  no  value  to  me — your  auto- 
graph." 

Lengthening  His  Days. 

The  witty  Sheridan  was  once  taken  ill  in  consequence  of  a  fort- 
night's continued  dining  out  and  dissipation.  He  sent  for  a  cele- 
brated doctor,  who  prescribed  rigid  abstinence,  and  calling  again 
soon  afterwards  asked  his  patient  if  he  was  attending  to  that 
advice. 

The  answer  being  in  the  afiirmative,  "  Right,"  said  the  doctor, 
"  'tis  the  only  way  to  secure  you  length  of  days." 


40  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"I  do  not  doubt  it,"  said  Sheridan,  "  for  these  last  three  days 
since  I  began  have  been  the  longest  to  me  in  my  life." 

Learning  the  Truth  about  Himself. 

Dr  Digby,  going  round  to  the  mews,  finds  his  new  coachman's 
children  playing  about,  and  introduces  himself  : — "  Well,  my  little 
man,  and  do  you  know  who  I  am  ? " 

"Yes,"  said  the  boy;  "you're  the  man  as  rides  in  father's 
carriage." 

A  New  "  Line  "  for  Publishers. 

An  old  lady  went  into  a  Brighton  bookstore  the  other  day  with 
an  order  which  was  rather  difficult  to  fill.  She  said  to  the  clerk 
at  the  counter  :  "  Do  you  keep  Bibles  ? " 

**Yes,  ma'am." 

"Well,  I  want  a  small  pocket-Bible  in  very  large  print." 

Eemble  and  the  Crying  Child. 

The  following  story  is  related  in  Tom  Moore's  ' '  Diary  "  about 
John  Kemble.  He  was  performing  one  of  his  favourite  parts,  at 
some  country  theatre,  and  was  internipted  from  time  to  time  by 
the  crying  of  a  child  in  the  gallery,  until  at  length,  angered  by 
this  rival  performance,  Kemble  walked  ^4th  solemn  steps  to  the 
front  of  the  stage,  and  addressing  the  audience  in  his  most  tragic 
tones,  said  :  ' '  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  unless  the  play  is  stopped, 
the  child  cannot  possibly  go  on. " 

Perpetual  Wits— Perpetual  Thieves. 

A  friend  of  Dr  Johnson,  in  conversation  with  him,  was  lament- 
ing the  disagreeable  situation  in  which  those  persons  stood  who 
were  eminent  for  their  witticisms,  as  they  were  perpetually  ex- 
pected to  be  saying  good  things — that  it  was  a  heavy  tax  on 
them. 

"It  is,  indeed,"  said  Johnson,  "a  very  heavy  tax  on  them — a 
tax  which  no  man  can  pay  who  does  not  steal." 

Doctor  and  Patient,  and  Vice  Versa. 

A  French  doctor  had  just  been  operating  upon  Douglas  Jerrold. 
The  patient  had  winced  a  little,  and  the  operator  had  said,  "Tut ! 
tut !     It's  nothing — nothing  at  all !  " 

Presently  some  hot  water  was  brought  in.  The  doctor  put  his 
fingers  in  it,  and  sharply  withdrew  them,  with  an  oath.     The 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  41 

patient,  who  was  now  lying,  faint,  upon  the  sofa,  said,  "  Tut !  tut ! 
It's  nothing — nothing  at  all  !  "    [25] 

A  Sense  of  Unworthiness. 

A  gardener's  boy  having  gone  to  sleep  under  the  shade  of  some 
fruit  trees, — "Wretched  fellow,"  cried  his  master,  as  he  awoke 
him  ;  "are  you  not  ashamed  to  sleep  instead  of  working?  Go 
along  with  you,  you  vagabond,  you  are  not  worthy  that  the  sun 
should  shine  on  you." 

"  That  is  why  I  went  into  the  shade,"  replied  the  boy. 

A  New  Trinity. 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  led  by  curiosity  to  visit  the  Posi- 
tivist  Church  in  London,  where  the  doctrine  of  Humanity  was 
preached  to  a  select  few,  being  asked  what  he  had  found  there, 
replied,  "Three  persons  and  no  God." 

Something  to  Show  His  Friends. 

An  editor  received  a  letter  from  a  vain  and  tiresome  con- 
tributor, asking  for  an  opinion  on  the  work  he  had  recently  sent 
in. 

"I  want  your  opinion,"  said  the  contributor,  "written  in  your 
own  hand,  so  that  I  can  show  it  to  my  friends,  and  socially,  I 
think  it  will  greatly  help  me.  I  see  that  you  sometimes  write 
poetry,  and  it  would  please  me  much  better  if  you  would  write  it 
out  in  rhyme.  You  may  make  it  funny  if  you  want  to." 
The  editor  sent  him  the  following  : — 

"  Try  to  be  pleasant,  and  your  writings  are  flat, 
Try  to  be  funny,  and  they  are  worse  than  that ; 
Try  to  be  wise,  and  you're  simply  a  fool — 
Try  to  be  honest,  and  you're  only  a  tool — 
And  it  seems  that  there '3  no  use  in  trying  it  more, 
For  j-ou  only  succeed,  sir,  in  being  a  bore."' 

How  the  Widow  Deceived  Her  Husband's  Relatives  and — 

Herself. 

A  somewhat  amusing  incident  is  told  of  a  woman  whose  hus- 
band, a  wealthy  man,  died  suddenly  without  making  a  will.  The 
widow,  desirous  of  securing  the  whole  of  the  property,  concealed 
her  husband's  death,  and  persuaded  a  poor  shoemaker  to  take  his 
place  while  a  will  could  be  made.  Accordingly  he  was  closely 
muffled  in  bed,  as  if  very  sick,  and  a  lawyer  was  called  in  to  write 


42  E  VER  YBOD  Y  S  BOOK  OF 

the  will.  The  shoemaker,  in  a  feeble  voice,  bequeathed  half  of 
the  property  to  the  \\-idow. 

"What  shall  be  done  with  the  remainder?"  asked  the 
lawyer. 

"The  remainder,"  replied  he,  "I  give  and  bequeath  to  the 
poor  little  shoemaker  across  the  street,  who  has  always  been  a 
good  neighbour  and  a  deserving  man," — thus  securing  a  rich  be- 
quest to  himself. 

The  widow  was  thunderstruck  vnth  the  man's  audacious  cun- 
ning, but  did  not  dare  to  expose  the  fraud  ;  and  so  the  two  rogues 
shared  the  estate. 

Willing  to  Wait. 

A  gentleman  who  introduced  his  brother  to  Dr  Johnson,  was 
earnest  to  recommend  him  to  the  doctor's  notice,  which  he  did 
by  saying,  "When  we  have  sat  together  some  time,  you'll  find 
my  brother  grow  very  entertaining." 

"  Sir,"  said  Johnson,  ''  I  can  wait." 

Less  and  Less. 

A  chimney-sweep's  boy  went  into  a  baker's  shop  for  a  twopenny 
loaf,  and  conceiving  it  to  be  diminutive  in  size,  remarked  to  the 
baker  that  he  did  not  believe  it  was  weight. 

"Never  mind  that,"  said  the  man  of  dough,  "you  will  have 
the  less  to  carry." 

"True,"  replied  the  lad,  and  throwing  three-halfpence  on  the 
counter,  left  the  shop. 

The  baker  called  after  him  that  he  had  not  left  money  enough. 

"  Never  mind  that,"  said  yoimg  sooty,  "  you  will  have  the  less 
to  count." 

The  Limit  of  Debate. 

Dr  Johnson  having  argued  for  some  time  with  a  very  perti- 
nacious gentleman,  his  opponent,  who  had  talked  in  a  very  puze- 
ling  manner,  happened  to  say,  "I  don't  understand  you,  sir;" 
upon  which  Johnson  observed,  ' '  Sir,  I  have  found  you  an  argu- 
ment, but  I  am  not  obliged  to  find  you  an  understanding." 

A  Fool's  Knowledge  and  Ignorance. 

John  was  thought  to  be  very  stupid.  He  was  sent  to  a  mill  one 
day,  and  the  miller  said,  ' '  John,  some  people  say  you  are  a  fool ! 
Now,  tell  me  what  you  do  know,  and  what  you  don't  know." 


ENGLISH   WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  43 

*'  Well,"  replied  John,  "  I  know  millers'  hogs  are  fat !  " 
"  Yes,  that's  well,  John  !  Now,  what  don't  you  know  ?  " 
*  I  don't  know  xchose  corn  fats  'em  !  " 

An  Improved  Accidental. 

[Scene  :  A  chapel  where  the  hymns  used  to  be  given  out  (and 

sung)  line  by  line.] 

Mirdster  (the  pulpit  candles  not  having  been  lighted)  log. :  "My 

eyes  are  dim,  I  cannot  see." 

Congregatimi  (singing)  :  "  My  eyes  are  dim,  I  cannot  see  ; " 
Ministe)' ;  "  I  speak  of  mine  infirmity  !  " 
Congregation  (singing) :  "  I  speak  of  mine  infirmity ; " 
Ministe)' :  "I  ONLY  SAID,  ' My  eyes  are  dim  ! ' " 
Congregation  (singing) :  "  I  only  said,  *  My  eyes  are  dim  : ' " 
Minister ;  "  I  DID  NOT  MEAN  TO  SING  A  HYMN  !  " 
Cmxgregation  (singing) :  "  I  did  not  mean  to  sing  a  hymn." 

A  New  Rhyme  to  an  Old  Line. 

"Who  shall  decide  when  Doctors  disagree  ?  " 
Punch,  who  decides  that  neither  shall  have  fee.     [1] 

Every  Little  Helps. 
A  friend  drops  in,  and  walks  across  the  smoking-room  to 
Douglas  Jerrold's  chair.  The  friend  wants  to  enlist  Mr  Jerrold's 
sympathies  in  behalf  of  a  mutual  acquaintance  who  is  in  want  of 
a  round  sum  of  money.  But  this  mutual  friend  has  already  sent 
his  hat  about  among  his  literary  brethren  on  more  than  one 

occasion.     Mr  's  was  becoming  an  institution,  and  friends 

were  grieved  at  the  indelicacy  of  the  proceeding.  On  the  occasion 
to  which  I  now  refer,  the  bearer  of  the  hat  was  received  by 
Jerrold   with    evident  dissatisfaction.       "Well,"    said    Douglas 

Jerrold,  "  how  much  does want  this  time  ?  "     "  Why,  just  a 

four  and  two  noughts  will,  I  think,  put  him  straight"  the  bearer 
of  the  hat  replied.  Jerrold  :  "  Well,  put  me  down  for  one  of  the 
noughts."    [25] 

Notice  of  Non-responsibility  for  a  Wife. 

Julia,  my  wife,  has  grown  quite  rude. 
She  has  left  me  in  a  lonesome  mood  ; 
She  has  left  my  board. 
She  has  took  my  bed, 


44  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

She  has  gave  away  my  meat  and  bread  ; 
She  has  left  me  in  spite  of  friends  and  Church, 
She  has  carried  with  her  all  my  shirts. 
Now  you  who  read  this  paper, 
•  Since  she  cut  this  reckless  caper, 
I  will  not  pay  one  single  fraction 
For  any  debts  of  her  contraction, " 

A  Consistent  Preacher. 

An  amusing  commentary  on  his  text  was  afforded  one  Sunday 
evening  by  the  curate  of  a  parish  which  lies  between  Bamsley  and 
Sheffield,  but  which  it  would  hardly  be  fair  to  indicate  further. 
The  reverend  gentleman  had  been  preaching  from  the  words, 
" He  that  followeth me  shall  not  walk  in  darkness."  Unfortun- 
ately, it  was  a  very  dark  night ;  and,  on  the  way  home,  the 
curate  fell  into  a  hole  by  the  wayside  where  the  road  was  being 
repaired,  and  seriously  injured  his  ankle.  The  accident  made  the 
authorities  wake  up,  however,  and,  during  the  progress  of  the 
repairs,  a  fire  has  been  kept  up  bxmaing  after  that  night,  and 
given  light  to  all  benighted  travellers  at  that  particular  part  of 
the  road  ;  and  thus  it  came  to  pass  that  the  words  of  the  curate's 
test  had  a  literal  fulfilment,  for  certainly,  whatever  he  may  have 
done  himself,  those  who  followed  him  in  the  way  he  took  that 
night  have  not  had  to  walk  in  darkness.     [36] 

A  Little  Previous. 
The  Leed's  Express  records  that  Mr  Herbert  Gladstone  was 
addressing  a  Woman's  Suffrage  meeting  at  Leeds  one  afternoon, 
and  passed  a  compliment  upon  the  eloquence  possessed  by  the  fair 
sex,  and  the  pleasure  it  gave  the  masculine  portion  of  creation  to 
listen  to  them.  And  then  a  male  voice  issued  from  the  background 
with,  "  Wait  a  bit,  lad  ;  tha'rt  noan  wed  yet !  "     [17] 

Proving  His  Words  Rather  Unexpectedly. 

A  would-be  wit  once  said,  speaking  of  the  fair  sex  :  "  Ah,  its 
woman's  mission  to  make  fools  of  men."  "And  how  vexed  we 
are,"  said  a  bright-eyed  feminine  present,  ''to  find  that  nature 
has  so  often  forestalled  us." 

An  Equitable  Exchange. 
Mrs  Jerrold  perfectly  understood  her  husband,  and  they  were 
very  cordial  in  their  relations  with  each  other,  though  he  often 
made  her  the  butt  for  his  jokes.    He  once  told  her  that  he  thought 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  45 

a  man  might  be  allowed  to  treat  his  wife  like  a  bank-note  after 
she  had  turned  forty,  and  change  her  into  two  twenties  !     [16] 

Royal  Art  Critics. 

Mr  Cooper,  R.A.,  was  once  down  at  Osborne,  painting  some 
cattle  before  the  Queen  and  her  Consort.  The  Sxtist  had  been 
defending  the  presence  of  some  dock-leaves  in  the  foreground  of 
his  composition  : — 

"Well,"  said  the  Prince,  jocosely,  "they  are  beautifully 
painted,  and  doubtless  assist  the  composition,  but  they  do  not 
give  evidence  of  good  farming,"  Her  Majesty  sniiled  ap- 
preciatively, and,  shaking  her  finger  at  the  Prince,  said:  "How 
about  the  little  pool  of  water  in  which  the  heifer's  hind-legs  are 
standing  ?  " — "  Oh,"  said  His  Royal  Highness,  laughing,  "  I  think 
it  is  a  beautiful  artistic  idea,  and  gives  a  stamp  of  nature  to  the 
scene." — "'  Yes,  Albert,"  said  the  Queen,  "and  I  like  its  introduc- 
tion much,  but  it  is  not  evidence  of  good  draining."  Upon  this 
they  both  laughed  heartily.     [16] 

An  Explicit  and  Exact  Witness. 

If  one  is  asked  to  be  literal,  he  can  scarcely  be  too  conscien- 
tiously so,  especially  in  a  court  of  law. 

"Xow,  you  must  give  explicit  and  exact  answers.  You  said 
you  drove  a  milk-cart,  didn't  you  ? " 

"  No,  sir,  I  didn't." 

"  Don't  you  drive  a  milk-cart  ? " 

"  Xo,  sir." 

"  Ah,  then,  what  do  you  do,  sir  ? " 

"  I  drive  a  hoss." 

Hope's  Triumph  Over  Experience. 

Lord  Eldon  dining  with  the  late  Duke  of  York,  commander-in- 
chief,  there  was  a  large  party  of  mihtary  men  at  table.  Amongst 
other  distinguished  guests  was  Greenwood,  the  great  army  agent, 
of  whom  the  Duke  himself,  as  well  as  half  the  army,  perhaps,  had 
borrowed  money  in  their  time.  After  the  wine  had  been  going 
round  the  table,  a  young  officer  rose  and  begged  his  royal 
highness's  permission  to  propose  a  toast.  This  request  being 
graciously  granted,  the  proposer  went  on  to  say,  much  to  the 
amusement  of  his  interested  brother  officers  especially,  "Then, 
your  royal  highness,  I  beg  to  give  the  health  of  a  gentleman  now 


46  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

present — a  gentleman  to  whom  we  are  all  much  indebted — to  whom 
we  are  likely  long  to  owe  much — and  whom,  indeed,  ice  can  never 
hope  to  repay  !  "  The  toast  was  drunk  amidst  rapturous  applause, 
in  which  the  good-humoured  prince  most  cordially  joined. 

A  Double-Barrelled  Answer. 

"  Did  you,  or  did  you  not  speak  of  me,  sir,  the  other  night  ?  " 
said  a  peremptory  gentleman  to  a  fellow  collegian,  afterwards  an 
eminent  statesman. 

"  I  did  or  did  not  speak  of  you,"  was  the  prompt  answer. 

Pitt's  Effort  of  Memory. 

Mr  Pitt,  speaking  in  the  House  of  Commons,  in  the  early  part 
of  his  career,  of  the  glorious  war  which  preceded  the  disastrous 
one,  in  which  we  lost  the  colonies,  called  it  "the  last  war," 
Several  members  cried  out:  "The  last  but  one;"  He  took 
no  notice  ;  and,  soon  after,  repeating  the  mistake,  was  inter- 
rupted by  a  general  cry  of  "The  last  war  but  one!  The  last 
war  but  one ! "  "I  mean,  sir,"  said  Pitt,  turning  to  the 
Speaker,  and  raising  his  sonorous  voice,  "I  mean,  sir,  the  last 
war  that  Britons  would  wish  to  remember."  The  cry  of  inter- 
ruption was  instantly  changed  into  universal  cheering  long  and 
loud. 

Exceptions  from  "The  Fall." 

The  late  Bishop  of  Chichester  states  that  at  the  annual  examina- 
tion of  the  Charity  Schools  around  the  city  of  Chichester,  he  was 
seated  in  the  front  row  of  the  school-room,  together  with  his 
daughters,  and  the  family  of  the  noble  house  of  Richmond,  when 
the  Bishop  kindly  took  part  in  the  examination,  and  put  several 
questions.  To  one  boy  he  said,  "We  have  all  sinned,  and  come 
short  of  the  glory  of  God.  Now,  does  that  passage  mean  that  evei'y 
one  of  us  has  sinned  ? " 

The  boy  hesitated — ^but,  upon  a  repetition  of  the  question,  re- 
plied, "Every  one  except  your  Lordship,  and  the  company  sitting 
on  the  front  form." 

A  Bishop  Surprised. 

The  same  Bishop,  at  one  of  his  confirmations,  saw  a  school-girl 
inclined  to  be  inattentive  and  troublesome  ;  he  therefore  held  up 
his  finger  as  a  warning.  These  children  being  accustomed  to  signs 
from  their  teachers,  of  which  they  were  expected  to  declare  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  A  XD  H  UMO  UJt  47 

meaning,  did  not  suppose  that  the  elevation  of  the  Bishop's  finger 
was  an  exception  to  their  general  rule  of  reply  to  such  tokens  ; 
they  therefore  all  rose  together,  and  from  the  middle  of  the 
church  exclaimed  in  an  exulting  tone,  " Perpendicular /" —to 
the  astonishment  and  consternation  of  the  better  inclined,  and 
to  the  amusement,  we  fear,  of  not  a  few  of  the  congregation. 

A  Proof  that  Adam  and  Eve  were  English. 
When  Eve  brought  woe  to  all  mankind, 

Old  Adam  called  her  ?coe-man  ; 
But  when  she  woo'd  with  love  so  kind, 

He  then  pronounced  it  vjoo-man. 

But  now  with  folly  and  with  pride, 
Their  husband's  pockets  brimming, 

The  ladies  are  so  fuU  of  ickims, 
That  people  call  them  Khim-men. 

A  Rejected  Lover's  Rebuke. 

The  following  lines  were  sent  by  Dr  Watts  to  a  lady  to  whom  he 
wished  to  pay  his  addresses,  upon  her  saying  that  she  would  have 
no  such  ill -shaped  fellow  as  he  was  : — 

'Tis  true  my  shape  is  somewhat  odd. 

But  blaming  me  is  blaming  God  ; 

For,  had  I  spoke  myself  to  birth, 

I'd  please  the  prettiest  lass  on  earth  ; 

And,  could  I  form  myseK  anew, 

I  would  not  fail  of  pleasing  you. 

Your  charms  have  long  been  dear  to  fame. 

And  half  the  country  boasts  your  name  ; 

But  who  that  dimpling  chin  supplied. 

And  lent  your  cheeks  their  rosy  pride, 

With  hair  of  jet  your  temples  graced. 

And  with  a  slender  shape  your  waist  ? 

Thyself,  had'st  thou  thus  beauteous  made. 

To  thee  the  praise  were  duly  paid  ; 

But  since  the  Power  that  fashioned  thee. 

With  the  same  hand  created  me, 

Who  might  have  touched  my  frame  like  thine. 

And  left  thee  one  deformed  as  mine, — 

For  what  thou  art,  that  Power  adore, 

And  sneer  at  my  odd  shape  no  more  ! 


48  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Those  eyes  that  dart  destructive  rays, 
E'en  let  them  sparkle  to  His  praise  ; 
Thy  breast,  the  seat  of  love  and  snow. 
Teach  it  His  praise  to  pant  and  glow  ! 
Then  heaven  inspire  thy  yielding  voice 
To  one  that's  better  worth  thy  choice. 
And  if  the  rest  my  suit  disdain, 
The  thought  shall  never  give  me  pain  ; 
But,  that  I  tempt  no  greater  curse, 
Heaven  I'll  adore  I'm  made  no  worse. 

A  Highwayman  who  Failed  in  Business. 

Tom  Sheridan  was  his  father's  own  son.  While  at  Cambridge, 
he  was  pronounced  to  be  the  cleverest  fellow  in  the  place — as  in 
point  of  wit  and  fun  he  very  probably  was.  His  father  once  said 
to  him,  "  Tom,  you  have  genius  enough  to  get  a  dinner  every  day 
in  the  week  at  the  first  tables  in  London — and  that's  something  ; 
but  that's  all,  you  can  go  no  further." 

They  thoroughly  understood  each  other.  The  son  was  equally 
complimentary  to  the  father,  as  many  oft-repeated  anecdotes  can 
testify.  On  one  occasion  Tom  complained  over  the  bottle  to  him 
that  his  pockets  were  empty. 

"  Try  the  highway  !  "  was  the  father's  answer. 

"I  have,"  said  Tom,  "but  I  made  a  bad  hit;  I  stopped  a 
caravan  full  of  passengers,  who  assured  me  they  had  not  a  farthing, 
for  they  belonged  to  Drury-lane  Theatre,  and  could  not  get  a 
penny  of  their  salary." 

[Tom's  father  was  lessee  of  the  theatre  at  the  time.] 

Temptation  to  Suicide. 

Dr  Parr  and  Lord  Erskine  are  said  to  have  been  the  vainest 
men  of  their  times.  At  a  dinner  on  one  occasion,  Dr  Parr,  in 
ecstasies  with  the  conversational  powers  of  Lord  Erskine,  called 
out  to  him,  though  his  jimior,  "My  lord,  I  mean  to  write  your 
epitaph  !  " 

''  Dr  Parr,"  replied  the  noble  lawyer,  "  your  promise  is  a  temp- 
tation to  commit  suicide  !  " 

Rebuking  a  Preacher  and — Repenting. 

In  the  later  days  of  his  life  the  Rev.  Rowland  Hill  used  to  coine 
to  his  chapel  in  a  carriage.  He  got  an  anonymous  letter  rebuking 
him  for  this,   because  it  was  not  the  way  his  Heavenly  Master 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  49 

travelled.  He  read  the  letter  from  the  pulpit,  and  said  it  was  quite 
true,  and  that  if  the  writer  would  come  to  the  vestry  with  a  saddle 
and  bridle  he  would  ride  him  home. 

A  "  Bull "  in  a  Pulpit. 
"  Remember,  I  beseech  you,"  said  a  preacher,  "  that  we  are  all 
sailing  down  the  stream  of  time,  and  must  inevitably  landy  at  last, 
in  the  great  ocean  of  eternity." 

Forced  by  His  Own  Wit  to  Compound. 

As  Quin  and  Foote  one  day  walked  out 

To  view  the  country  round, 
In  merry  mood  they  chatting  stood, 

Hard  by  the  village  pound. 
Foote  from  his  poke  a  shilling  took. 

And  said,  "  I'll  bet  a  penny, 
In  a  short  space,  within  this  place, 

I'll  make  this  piece  a  guinea." 

Upon  the  ground,  within  the  pound. 

The  shilling  soon  was  thrown  ; 
"  Behold,"  said  Foote,  "  the  thing's  made  out, 

For  there  is  one  pound  one." 
*'  I  wonder  not,"  says  Quin,  "  that  thought 

Should  in  your  hea(  be  found, 
Since  that's  the  way  your  debts  you  pay — 

One  shilling  in  the  pound." 

An  Effective  Peroration. 

Sheridan  was  one  day  much  annoyed  by  a  fellow  member  of  the 
House  of  Commons,  who  kept  crying  out  every  few  minutes, 
"  Hear  !  hear  !  "  During  the  debate  he  took  occasion  to  describe 
a  political  contemporary  that  wished  to  play  rogue  but  had  only 
sense  enough  to  act  fool.  "Where,"  exclaimed  he,  with  great 
emphasis,  "where  shall  we  find  a  more  foolish  knave  or  a  more 
knavish  fool  than  he?"  "Hear!  hear!"  was  shouted  by  the 
troublesome  member.  Sheridan  turned  round,  and,  thanking  him 
for  the  prompt  information,  sat  down  amid  a  general  roar  of 
laughter. 

David  and  Pamell — A  Contrast. 

During  a  debate  of  the  Hardwicke  Debating  Society  in  the 
Temple,  while  the  retirement  of  Mr  Pamell  was  still  undecided 
by  the  Irish  Party,  a  speaker  was  contrasting  Mr  Pamell's  offence 


50  E  VER  I'BOD  T'S  BOOK  OF 

with  that  of  David — by  way  of  answering  the  question  why  David 
did  not  retire  from  public  life.  After  pointing  out  the  obvious 
differences  between  the  two  men — the  repentance  of  David,  etc. , 
he  ended  up  thus ;  "  And  then,  Sir,  there  is  this  last  and  most 
important  difference  of  all :  David  wrote  a  psalm,  and  Mr  Pamell 
a  manifesto  !  "     [16] 

The  Only  Reason  Against  Pamell's  Retirement. 

Among  the  many  epigi-ams  and  witticisms  on  the  Irish  crisis 
which  are  flying  about,  one  of  the  neatest  was  originated  at  the 
Hardwicke  Debating  Society  by  a  speaker,  who  contended  that 
Mr  Parnell  should  retain  his  leadership.  "  For  why,"  said  this 
speaker,  "should  we  ask  Mr  Parnell  to  retire  into  private  life, 
when  he  has  proved  so  conclusively  that  it  is  just  in  the  sphere 
of  private  relations  that  this  powerful  politician  does  not  know 
how  to  conduct  himself  ? "     [16] 

Not  "  Home  Rule,"  but  "  Home  Ruin." 

"A  group  of  working  men  were  discussing  Parnell  in  my  hear- 
ing," writes  Mr  Howard  Paul ;  "said  one,  ' I  looked  on  Pamell  as 
the  champion  of  Home  Rule,  but  this  O'Shea  business  suggests 
that  he  is  even  better  at  Home  Paiin.'  "    [16] 

'Opeless  Helocution. 
It  would  appear  from  the  follo-ndng  that  at  Kidderminster  it  is 
common,  if  not  a  local  peculiarity,  to  use  the  letter  H  very  un- 
ceremoniously— either  by  denying  it  its  proper  functions,  or  by 
setting  it  to  work  in  most  uncongenial  company : — 

The  Leiter  H  Petitions  the  Inliahitants  of  Kiddej-minster : — 
Vrhereas  by  you  I  have  been  driven  , 

From  'ouse,  from  'ome,,  from  ope,  from  'eaven, 
And  placed  by  your  most  learn'd  society, 
In  /texile,  languish,  and  /(anxiety  ; 
And  charged,  without  one  just  pretence, 
With  ^arrogance  and  /iimpudence  : 
T  here  demand  full  restitution, 
And  beg  you'll  mend  your  elocution. 

Answer  of  the  Inhabitants  of  Kidde-nninster : — 
Whereas  we've  rescued  you,  mgrate, 
From  'anger,  'avoc,  andfrom  'ate 


ENGLISH  WIT  A  ND  H UMO  UR.  5 1 

From  'orse-pond,  'anging,  and  from  'alter, 
And  consecrated  you  in  Aaltar  ; 
And  placed  you  where  you  d  never  be, 
In  Aonour  and  in  Aonesty  ; 
We  think  your  talking  an  intrusion, 
And  shall  not  mend  our  elocution. 
Kidderminster,  Jan.  25,  1837. 

Quaker  Wooing. 

"  Martha,  does  thee  love  me  ?  '  asked  a  Quaker  youth,  of  one  at 
whose  shrine  this  heart's  fondest  feelings  had  been  offered  up. 

"  Why,  Seth,"  answered  she,  "  we  are  commanded  to  love  one 
another,  are  we  not  ? " 

' '  Ay,  Martha  ;  but  does  thee  regard  me  with  that  feeling  that 
the  world  calls  love  1 " 

"  I  hardly  know  what  to  tell  thee,  Seth  :  1  have  greatly  feared 
that  my  heart  was  an  erring  one.  I  have  tried  to  bestow  my  love 
on  all ;  but  I  may  have  sometimes  thought,  perhaps,  that  thee 
was  getting  rather  more  than  thy  share." 

Surnames. 

Men  once  were  surnamed  for  their  shape  or  estate 

(You  all  may  from  history  worm  it). 
There  was  Louis  the  Bulky,  and  Henry  the  Great, 

John  Lackland,  and  Peter  the  Hermit ; 
But  now,  when  the  docr-plates  of  misters  and  dames 

Are  read,  each  so  constantly  varies  ; 
From  the  owner's  trade,  figure,  and  calling,  surnames 

Seem  given  by  the  rule  of  contraries, 

Mr  Wise  is  a  dunce,  Mr  King  is  a  Whig, 

Mr  Coffin's  uncommonly  sprightly. 
And  huge  Mr  Little  broke  down  in  Ms  gig 

While  driving  fat  Mrs  Golightly. 
At  Bath,  where  the  feeble  go  more  than  the  stout, 

(A  conduct  well  worthy  of  Xero), 
Over  poor  Mr  Lightfoot,  confined  with  the  gout, 

Mr  Heavyside  danced  a  bolero. 

Miss  Joy,  wretched  maid,  when  she  chose  Mr  Love, 

Found  nothing  but  sorrow  await  her  ; 
She  now  holds  in  wedlock,  as  true  as  a  dove, 

That  fondest  of  mates,  ISlr  Hayter. 


62  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Mr  Oldcastle  dwells  in  a  modern  built  hut, 

Miss  Sage  is  of  mad  caps  the  archest : 
Of  all  the  queer  bachelors  Cupid  e'er  ciit, 

Old  Mr  Youngh  us  band's  the  starchest. 

Mr  Child,  in  a  passion,  knocked  down  Mr  Kock, 

Mr  Stone  like  an  aspen- leaf  shivers  ; 
Miss  Pool  used  to  dance,  but  she  stands  like  a  stock 

Ever  since  she  became  Mrs  Rivers. 
Mr  Swift  hobbles  onward,  no  mortal  knows  how, 

He  moves  as  though  cords  had  entwined  him  : 
Mr  Metcalf  ran  off  upon  meeting  a  cow, 

With  pale  Mr  TurnbuU  behind  him. 

Mr  Barker's  as  mute  as  a  fish  in  the  sea, 

Mr  Miles  never  moves  on  a  journey  ; 
Mr  Gotobed  sits  up  till  half  after  three, 

Mr  Makepeace  was  bred  an  attorney. 
Mr  Gardener  can't  tell  a  flower  from  a  root, 

Mr  Wild  with  timidity  draws  back, 
Mr  Ryder  performs  all  his  journeys  on  foot, 

Mr  Foot  all  his  journeys  on  hoi'seback. 

Mr  Penny,  whose  father  was  rolling  in  wealth, 

Consumed  all  the  fortune  his  dad  won  ; 
Large  Mr  Le  Fever's  the  picture  of  health  ; 

Mr  Goodenough  is  but  a  bad  one  ; 
Mr  Cruikshank  stepped  into  three  thousand  a  year 

By  shotving  his  leg  to  an  heiress  : 
Now  I  hope  you'll  acknowledge  I've  made  it  quite  clear, 

Surnames  ever  go  by  contraries.     [37] 

A  Clever  Coachman. 

The  late  Lord  Mansfield  told  the  following  anecdote  about 
himself  from  the  bench  :  He  had  turned  off  his  coachman  for  certain 
acts  of  peculation,  not  uncommon  in  this  class  of  persons.  The 
tellow  begged  his  lordship  to  give  him  a  character. 

'  Whai  kind  of  a  character  can  i  give  you  i  '  said  his  lordship. 

"Oh,  my  lord,  any  character  your  lordship  chooses  to  give  me, 
I  shall  most  thankfully  receive." 

His  lordship  accordingly  sat  down  and  wrote  as  follows  ; 

"The   bearer,  John  ,  has  served   me  three  years  in  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  53 

capacity  of  coachman.  He  is  an  able  driver,  and  a  very  sober  man. 
I  discharged  him  because  he  cheated  me.— (Signed)  Mansfield." 
John  thanked  his  lordship,  and  walked  off.  A  few  mornings 
afterwards,  when  his  lordship  was  going  through  his  lobby  to  step 
into  his  coach  for  Westminster  Hall,  a  man,  in  a  very  handsome 
livery,  made  him  a  low  bow.  To  his  surprise  he  recognised  his 
late  coachman. 

"Why,  John,"  said  his  lordship,  "you  seem  to  have  got  an 
excellent  place  ;  how  could  you  manage  this  with  the  character 
I  gave  you  ? " 

"Oh,  my  lord,"  said  John,  "it  was  an  exceedingly  good 
character,  and  I  am  come  to  return  you  thanks  for  it.  My  new 
master,  on  reading  it,  said,  he  observed  your  lordship  recom- 
men^Jed  me  as  an  able  driver  and  a  sober  man.  'These,'  said 
he,  '  are  just  the  qualities  I  want  in  a  coachman ;  I  observe  his 
lordship  adds  that  he  discharged  you  because  you  cheated  him. 
Hark  you,  sirrah,'  said  he,  '  I'm  a  Yorkshireman,  and  I'll  defy 
you  to  cheat  meV" 

Curious  Coincidences. 
'Tis  curious  to  find  in  this  overgrown  town, 

While  through  its  long  streets  we  are  dodging, 
That  many  a  man  is  in  trade  settled  down. 

Whose  name  don't  agree  vAih  his  lodging  !  !  ! 
For  instance,  Jack  Munday  in  Friday-street  dwells, 

Mr  Pitt  in  Fox-cowct  is  residing  ; 
Mr  White  in  £^ac^'s-buil dings  greengrocery  sells, 
While  East  in  >Fes^  square  is  abiding. 

Mr  Lamb  in  Red  ito«,-street  perks  up  his  head, 

To  LarnVs  Conduit-street  Lion  goes  courting ; 
Mr  Boxer  at  Battle-\)ridige  hires  a  bed. 

While  Moon  is  in  *SM?i-street  disporting'; 
Bill  Brmcn  up  to  Green -street  to  live  now  is  gone, 

In  Stanhope-mews  Dmnett  keeps  horses— 
Dr  Low  lives  in  High-street,  Saint  Mary-le-bone, 

In  Broim-street  one  Johnny  Whites  door  sees. 

But  still  much  more  curious  it  is,  when  the  streets 

Accord  with  the  names  of  the  tenants  ; 
And  yet  with  such  curious  accordance  one  meets 

In  taking  a  town-tour  like  Pennant's. 
For  instance,  in  Crown-street,  George  King  you  may  note, 

To  Booth  in  May-iah  you  go  shopping  ; 


54  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

And  Porter  of  Breicer -street  rows  in  a  boat 
To  Waters  of  River-sireet,  Wapping. 

Mr  Sparrow  in  Bird-streei  has  feathered  his  nest, 

Mr  Archer  in  J5o?r-street  woos  Sally  ; 
Mr  Windham  in  ^tr-street  gets  zephyr'd  to  rest,  ' 

Mr  Dancer  resides  in  Ball-kWey. 
Mr  Fisher  in  i^<'/i.sbury  fix  d  all  his  views, 

Mr  Foote  in  >S7ioe-lane  works  at  carding  ; 
Mr  Hawke  has  a  residence  close  to  the  Aleivs, 

And  Winter  puts  up  in  <S^:)>-Mi^-garden. 

In  Oiunge-street  Lemon  vends  porter  and  ale, 

In  Hart-street  Jack  Deer  keeps  a  stable  ; 
In  Z^i^^street  located  you'll  find  Mr  Bale, 

In  Blue  Aiichor-row,  Mr  Cable. 
In  Knight- Rider -street  you've  both  Walker  and  Day, 

In  Ca.«<^e-street  Champion  and  Spearman  ; 
In  Blackman-street  LiUyichite  makes  a  display, 

In  Cheapside  lives  sweet  Mrs  Dearman. 

In  Paradise  row  ]\Ir  Adam  sells  figs, 

Eve,  in  Apple-tree  Yard  rooms  has  taken  ; 
Mr  C'o/^man  in  i^o/ey -street  fits  you  with  wigs, 

In  Hog-\a,ne,  you  call  upon  Bacon. 
Old  Hcrtner,  in  Oreek-street,  sells  barrels  and  staves, 

While  Pope  in  CVo5s-lane  is  a  baker  ; 
In  Liqiiorpond-street  Mr  Drmkicater  shaves. 

In  C'ojp-lane  lives  A.  Veal,  undertaker  ! 

My  jumbles  and  jingles  I've  now  written  down, 

And  if  for  their  meaning  you  teaze  me — 
That  they  really  have  none  I  must  candidly  own, 

And  silence  \d]l  therefore  best  please  me. 
If  not  witty,  nor  curious,  they'll  answer,  I  ween, 

To  get  me,  "  ask'd  out  "  by  great  ninnies — 
And  out  of  the  firm  of  some  new  magazine 

Procure  me  a  couple  of  guineas.     [37] 

Prevention — in  TMs  Case— The  Next  Best  Thing  to  Cure. 

A  young  man  was  found  tricking  at  cards,  and  the  players 
pitched  him  out  at  a  first  floor  window.  Being  picked  up  by  a 
friend,  he  blustered  a  good  deal  and  said:  "What  would  you 
advise  me  to  do  imder  the  circumstances  ? " 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR,  65 

"Not  play  cards  again  except  on  the  ground  floor,"  i-eplied  the 
candid  friend. 

A  Cautious  Referee. 

When  John  Reeve  was  playing  Bomhustes  at  Bristol,  upon  being 
stabbed  by  Artixornmoiis  he  denied  the  fairness  of  the  thrust,  and, 
appeaHng  to  the  pit,  said,  "  It  is  not  fair,  is  it  ?"  A  bald-headed 
gentleman,  who,  probably,  took  the  whole  representation  to  be 
serious,  and  to  whom  Reeve  directed  his  glance,  replied,  "  Really, 
sir,  I  cannot  say,  for  I  don't  fence." 

Calvinists  and  Tigers. 
"And,  pray,  Mr.  S.,"  said  one  of  his  fellow-collegians  to  a  leader 

of  a  religious  sect  in  one  of  our  universities,  "pray,  let  me  inquire 

what  is  it  that  you  call  yourself  ? " 

"I,  sir — 1  ?    Why,  sir,  I  call  myself  a  moderate  Calvinist." 
"Then,  sir,  let  me  tell  you,"  replied  the  querist,  "that  you 

might  just  as  well  call  yourself  a  tame  tiger.'' 

When  an  Antagonist  is  Agreeable. 

We  are  never  so  well  pleased  with  an  antagonist,  as  when  he 
makes  an  objection  to  which  we  are  provided  with  a  good  answer. 

Top  and  Bottom. 

The  following  playful  colloquy  in  vei*se  took  place  at  a  dinner 
table  between  Sir  George  Rose  and  James  Smith,  in  allusion  to 
Craven-street,  Strand,  where  he  resided  : — 

James  Smith. — "  At  the  top  of  my  street,  the  attorneys  abound, 
And  down  at  the  bottom  the  barges  are  found  : 
Fly,  honesty,  fly,  to  some  safer  retreat, 
For  there's  craft  in  the  river,  and  craft  in  the 
street." 

Sir  G.   Rose. — "  Why  should  honesty  fly  to  some  safer  retreat. 
From  attorneys  and  barges,  'od  rot  'em  ? 
For  the  lawyers  are  pisi  at  the  top  of  the  street, 
And  the  barges  are  just  at  the  bottom." 

A  Day  After  '*  The  Fair." 

Collins,  the  poet,  was  never  a  lover,  and  never  married.     His 

odes,  with  all  their  exquisite  fancy  and  splendid  imagery,  have 

not  much  interest  in  their  subjects,  and  no  pathos  derived  from 

feeling  or  passion.     He  is  i-eported  to  have  been  once  in  love,  and 


66  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

as  the  ladj""  was  a  day  older  than  himself,  he  used  to  say  jestingly, 
that  he  ' '  came  into  the  world  a  day  after  the  fair. " 

My  Wife's  Diary. 

Know,  Punchy  I  am  a  married  man  !  Yesterday  T  found  a  little 
note-book  in  the  passage.  It  turned  out,  on  inspection,  to  be  my 
wife's  ;  and  to  contain, — what  think  you  ? — a  journal ;  which  that 
woman  has  been  keeping,  I  daresay,  ever  since  our  marriage. 
The  ensuing  is  an  extract  therefrom.  Pmich,  you  are  a  gentle- 
man ;  and,  therefore,  I  hope  you  will  insert  it.  If  you  were  a 
lady,  indeed,  I  imagine  you  hardly  would  ;  besides,  I  should  wish 
no  lady  to  take  a  leaf  out  of  my  wife's  book.  Here,  however,  sir, 
is  one  at  your  service  : — 

Sunday.— Charles  out  late  last  night ;  not  up  this  morning  till 
twelve  :  breakfast  not  over  till  one.  Wished  xx^i-ticidarhj  to  go  to 
church;  my  new  lilac  bonnet  with  pink  trimmings  came  home 
yesterday.  Couldn't  ^o,  of  co2<rse.  The  Walkers  and  the  Hutchinses 
there,  and  all !  Very  angry  with  Charles  ;  wouldn't  talk  to  him 
at  dinner :  went  up  afterwards  into  the  dressing-roova,  and  there 
sat  by  myself.  When  I  came  down  again,  found  him  smoking  and 
reading  the  paper.  That  Edwards  caUed  this  evening.  Knew 
Charles  would  ask  him  to  stay  to  supper.  Slipped  out  directly 
after  tea  ;  locked  the  larder,  took  the  key  of  the  cellar,  and  went 
to  bed  ;  hoped  they  were  comfortahlt  I 

Monday. —  Charles  very  cross  this  morning,  about  last  night; 
but  coaxed  him  over,  and  made  him  promise  nie  that  dear  shawl. 
Paid  for  vreeFs  house-keep.  Menu — to  get  those  open-work  stockings. 
— Charles  out  at  half-past  ten.  Mrs  Saunders  called.  How  well 
she  manages  Saunders  ! — Mem. — not  to  forget  her  hint  about  the 
save  in  sugar. — Charles  home  again  for  a  wonder,  at  foiu* ;  said  he 
had  been' for  a  walk  with  Bradshaw.  Steaks  for  dinner.  Charles 
never  asked  me  what  cut  I  would  like  ;  contradicted  me  about  the 
horse-radish,  when  I  kneio  I  was  Hght ;  and  would  eat  spring  onions 
with  his  cream-cheese  when  I  told  him  not. 

Tuesday. — Cliarles  up  in  his  little  room,  writing,  all  the  day. 
Went  out  shopping  with  Susan  and  the  baby.  Ordered  the  hrown 
sugar  instead  of  the  lump,  and  put  by  the  difference  for  sundries. 
Got  the  dear  shawl.  Met  the  Wellses,  and  heard  that  Mr  Charles 
was  seen  yesterday  at  the  Pantheon;  what  did  he  want  thefre  I 
should  like  to  know.  {Mem. — to  find  out.) — After  dinner  (shoulder 
of  mutton),  Charles  reading.  Baby  cried.  Charles  wanted  it  sent 
upstairs ;  how  very  unreasonable  !  the  poor  dear  was  teething — 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  57 

wouldn't  hmr  of  such  a  thing.  Charles  went  out  in  a  tiff,  and 
never  came  home  again  till  tico  in  the  viorning.  Said  he  had  been 
kept  up  talking  over  hv.siness.  Business,  indeed  !  His  eyes  were 
so  red,  and  he  smelt  so  dreadfully  of  cigars  !  The  cold  shoulder  of 
mutton  for  ymi,  sir,  to-mon'owl 

Wednesday. — My  lord  wanted  soda-water  this  morning.  In  his 
tantrums  at  breakfast,  because  there  were  no  'bloaters — went  out 
directly  after.  Asked  him  if  he  was  going  to  the  Pantheon  t — 
took  no  notice.  Oh,  I  am  afraid  he's  very  sly  !  Ordered  the  cold 
shoulder  and  no  rice-pudding,  to-day ;  bought  the  stockings. 
Home  came  Charles  to  dinner  with  a  friend  ;  so  vexed  about  the 
biU  of  fare.     Serves  him  right ! 

Thursday. — Charles  away  again  early,  told  me  not  to  wait  for 
him.  Nice  lamb  chops,  all  alone  at  two.  Charles  back  at  half- 
past  twelve  ;  saw  a  play-hill  hanging  out  of  his  pocket :  and  taxed 
him,  when  he  admitted  he  had  been  to  Drury  Lane.  Why  couldn't 
he  have  taken  me  ? 

Friday. — He  wanted  half-a-dozen  pocket-handkerchiefs,  and 
gave  me  the  money  to  buy  them.  Got  hunfoiir — quite  enough  for 
him.  Bought  a  nice  cardinal.  Saw  such  a  lore  of  a  work- box  in 
a  shop  in  Regent  Street — five  guineas  ! — Oh,  how  my  fingers  itched 
for  it.  Charles  this  afternoon  in  a  good  humour ;  gave  him  a 
broad  hint  about  the  workhox.     I  shall  get  it. 

Saturday. — Charles  scolding  this  morning  about  his  vrrisl-hands, 
which  had  no  buttons.  Sewed  them  on  myself,  and  pacified  him. 
Asked  him  if  he  would  like  to  dine  oat  to-day  ;  said,  "  No."  How 
provoking  /  for  I  wanted  to  spend  the  day  at  Mrs  Hopkin's.  Had 
a  few  words  about  the  mutton,  whether  it  should  be  boiled  or  7-005/  .• 
but  thought  it  best  to  give  icay.  Surprised  him  at  dinner  with 
College  dumplings — my  own  making.  Mixed  him  a  nice  glass  of 
h-aivdy  and  icate)-  afterwards.     Got  the  v:ork-box  1 

There,  Punch,  I  am  already  your  debtor  for  many  a  good  joke  ; 
increase  the  obligation  by  one  more  ;  that  of  letting  me  show  my 
wife  the  above  in  print. — I  am,  &c.,  Benedictus. 

Contents  of  a  Kitchen  Table  Drawer. 

Three  aprons,  two  dusters,  the  face  of  a  pig, 
A  dirty  jack-towel,  a  dish-clout,  a  wig  ; 
The  foot  of  a  stocking,  three  caps  and  a  frill, 
A  busk  and  six  buttons,  mouse-trap  and  quill ; 


58  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

A  comb,  and  a  thimble,  with  Madonna  bands, 

A  box  of  specific  for  chaps  on  the  hands  ; 

Some  mace  and  some  cloves  tied  up  in  a  rag, 

An  empty  thread  paper,  and  blue  in  a  bag  ; 

Some  pieces  of  ribbon  both  greasy  and  black, 

A  grater  and  nutmeg,  the  key  of  the  jack  ; 

An  inch  of  wax  candle,  a  steel  and  a  flint, 

A  bundle  of  matches,  a  parcel  of  mint ; 

A  lump  of  old  suet,  a  crimp  for  the  paste, 

A  pair  of  red  garters,  a  belt  for  the  waist ; 

A  rusty  bent  skewer,  a  broken  bras^s  cock ; 

Some  onions  and  tinder  both  with  the  drawer  lock ; 

A  bag  for  the  pudding,  a  whet-stone  and  string, 

A  penny  cross  bun,  and  a  new  curtain  ring  ; 

A  print  for  the  butter,  a  dirty  chemise, 

Two  pieces  of  soap,  and  a  large  slice  of  cheese  ; 

Two  teaspoons  of  lead,  a  large  lump  of  rosin. 

The  feet  of  a  hare,  and  corks  by  the  dozen  ; 

A  card  to  tell  fortunes,  a  sponge  and  a  can, 

A  pen  without  ink,  and  a  small  patty  pan  ; 

A  rolling  pin  pasted,  a  common  prayer-book. 

Were  the  things  which  I  found  in  the  drawer  of  a  cook. 

Literary  Curiosity. 
A  literary  Frenchman,  being  in  company  with  the  celebrated 
Dr  Wallis,  was  boasting  of  the  superiority  of  the  French  language 
with  regard  to  euphony,  and  challenged  the  doctor  to  produce 
anything  in  English  to  equal  the  following  lines  : — 

*'  Quand  un  cordier,  cordant,  veult  corder  une  corde. 
Pour  sa  corde  corder,  trois  cordons  il  accorde  ; 
Mois  si  un  des  cordons  de  la  corde  descorde, 
Le  cordon  descordant  fait  descorder  la  corde." 

The  doctor,  with  promptitude,  immediately  translated  the  very 
words  into  English,  only  substituting  for  the  French  word  co7'de 
the  pure  English  word  twist.  The  reader  will  find  that  the  first 
four  of  the  following  lines  exactly  correspond  with  those  of  the 
Frenchman  ;  the  next  four  were  added  by  the  doctor  by  way  of 
completing  the  triumph.  The  remaining  lines  were  not  written 
till  some  time  after.  Dr  Johnson  was  so  pleased  with  the  above 
anecdote,  that  he  gave  the  whole  twelve  lines  in  his  folio  Dictionarj^, 
to  show  into  how  many  meanings  and  bearings  the  words  twist  and^ 
twister  may  be  twisted  : — 


HXGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  59 

"  When  a  twister,  a-twisting  will  twist  him  a  twist, 

For  the  twisting  his  twist  he  three  twines  doth  entwist ; 
But  if  one  of  the  twists  ot  the  twist  doth  untwist, 
The  twine  that  untwisteth  untwisteth  the  twist. 

*'  Untwirling  the  twine  that  entwisteth  between 
He  twirls  with  his  twister  the  two  in  a  twine  ; 
Then  twice  having  twisted  the  twines  of  the  twine 
He  twisteth  the  twine  he  had  twined  in  twain. 

"  The  twine  that  in  twining  before  in  the  twine, 
As  twins  were  untwisted,  he  now  doth  untwine ; 
Twixt  the  twain  intertwisting  a  twine  more  between, 
He,  twirling  his  twister,  makes  twist  of  the  twine. 

In  Return  for  a  Brace  of  Birds. 

{An  impromptu. ) 
My  thanks  I'll  no  longer  delay, 

For  birds  which  you  shot  with  such  skill ; 
But  though  there  was  nothing  to  pay, 

Yet  each  of  them  brought  in  his  hill. 

I  mean  not,  my  friend,  to  complain, 

The  matter  was  perfectly  right. 
Bat  when  hills  such  as  these  come  again, 

I'll  always  accept  them  at  sight. 

Elegy  by  a  Schoolboy. 

How  blest  was  I  at  Dobson's  ball, 

The  fiddlers  come,  my  partner's  chosen  ; 

My  oranges  were  five  in  all, 
Alas  ! — they  were  not  half-a-dozen. 

For  soon  a  richer  rival  came, 

And  soon  the  bargain  was  concluded  ; 

My  Peggy  took  him  without  shame. 
And  left  me  hopeless  and  deluded. 

To  leave  me  for  one  omnge. 

Could  not  your  pockets  full  content  ye  i 

What  could  ye  do  with  all  that  store  ? 
He  had  but  six — and  five  were  plenty  ! 

And  mine  were  biggest,  1  protest, 

For  some  of  his  were  only  penny  ones  ; 

While  mme  were  all  the  very  best, 
And  juicy^  large — and  sweet  as  any  one's  ! 


60  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Could  I  have  thought,  ye  beaux  and  belles, 
An  orange  would  hare  so  undone  me — 

Or  anything  the  grocer  sells, 
Could  move  my  fair  one  thus  to  shun  me  ? 

All  night  I  sat  in  fix'd  disdain, 
While  hornpipes  numberless  were  hobbled, 

I  watch'd  my  mistress  and  her  swain, 
And  saw  his  paltry  present  gobbled. 

But  when  the  country  dance  was  call'd, 
I  could  have  cried  with  pure  vexation. 

For  by  the  arms  I  saw  her  haul'd. 
And  led  triumphant  to  her  station. 

Wliat  other  could  I  think  to  take  ? 

Of  all  the  school  she  was  the  tallest ; 
What  choice  worth  making  could  I  make, 

None  left  me  but  the  very  smallest  ? 

But  now,  all  thoughts  of  her  adieu, 

This  is  no  time  for  such  diversion, 
Moirs  Introduction  lies  in  view, 

And  I  must  write  my  Latin  version. 

Yet  all  who  that  way  are  inclined, 
This  lesson  learn  from  my  ui-doing, 

Unless  your  pockets  are  well-lined, 
'Tis  labour  lost  to  go  a-wooing. 

Ludicrous  Blunders. 

General  knowledge  is  unquestionably  necessary  for  the  lawyer. 
Ludicrous  mistakes  have  frequently  occurred  through  the  defi- 
ciencies of  some  in  this  respect.  A  story  is  told  of  a  barrister 
examining  a  witness  in  a  trial,  the  subject  of  which  was  a  ship. 
Among  other  questions,  he  asked  where  the  ship  was  at  a  parti- 
cular time.  "  Oh  !"  replied  the  witness,  "the  ship  was  then  in 
quarantine."  "  In  Quarantine,  was  she  ?  And  pray,  sir,  where  is 
Quarantine  ? " 

Another  instance  given  by  Mr  Chitty,  of  the  value  of  genera? 
knowledge  to  the  lawyer,  is  worth  citing.  It  is  well  known  that 
a  judge  was  so  entirely  ignorant  of  insurance  causes,  that,  after 
having  been  occupied  for  six  hours  in  trying  an  action  on  a  policy 
of  insurance  upon  goods  (Russia  duck)  from  Russia,  he,  in  his 
address  to  the  jury,  complained  that  no  evidence  had  been  given 
to  show  how  Russia  ducks  (mistaking  the  cloth  of  that  name  for 
the  bird]  could  be  damaged  by  sea  water,  and  to  what  extent  ' 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  61 

"  Abstract  "  and  "  Concrete." 

"  T  believe  you  are  right,"  said  an  old  gentleman.  "  So  far  as 
the  abstract  is  concerned  ;  but—" 

Just  then  he  slipped  and  struck  his  head  against  the  asphalt 
pavement. 

"  But,"  he  continued,  as  he  got  up,  "  I  don't  care  to  discuss  the 
matter  in  concrete." 

Poetry  and  Prose. 

John  Foster,  referring  to  a  couple  whom  he  had  known,  said 
that  "  Their  courtship  was  carried  on  in  poetry.  Alas  !  many  an 
enamoured  pair  have  courted  in  poetry,  and  after  marriage  lived 
in  pi'ose."  As  Colton  says,  "  Marriage  is  a  feast  where  the  grace 
is  sometimes  better  than  the  dinner." 

A  Good  Representative. 

The  late  Sir  Henry  Smith,  long  M.  P.  for  Colchester,  was  one  of 
the  Tories  of  the  old  school ;  and,  among  the  advocates  of  Reform, 
his  resolute  opposition  to  all  change  gave  him  a  reputation  for 
folly  and  obstinacy  which  was  not  borne  out  by  his  real  character. 

On  one  occasion  he  was  canvassing  in  presence  of  numerous 
friends,  and  on  asking  a  heavy-looking  farmer  for  his  vote,  the 
man  replied :  "I'd  vote  for  ye,  Sir  Henry,  as  usual,  only  you're 
such  a  fool." 

"Fool,  ami?"  retorted  Sir  Henry;  "then  I'm  the  very  man 
to  represent  you." 

This  diamond  shaft  of  wit  went  to  the  farmer's  heart,  and  with 
a  loud  guffaw  he  promised  his  vote. 

Political  Ophthalmia  and  Its  Cause. 

"  I  wonder  what  makes  my  eyes  so  weak,"  said  an  ultra-Radical 
to  Mr  Disraeli,  "Why,  they  are  in  a  weak  place,"  said  the 
latter. 

"Half  and  Half." 

Writing  lines  is  the  penance  Harrow  boys  do  for  all  their  sins, 
in  and  out  of  school.  If  a  boy  is  late  for  school,  he  writes  lines  ; 
if  he  misses  "  bill,"  ne  writes  lines.  If  the  lines  are  not  finished 
8t  a  stated  time,  their  number  is  doubled. 

There  was  one  clever  boy  who  escaped  writing  half  the  ordered 
quantity  ;  and  the  masters  tell  the  story  of  how  he  did  it  to  this 
'lay.  He  was  an  untidy  boy,  and  was  often  taken  to  task  for  his 
-arelessness  and  disorder.      One  day  his  master,  who  had  very 


62  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

dignified  and  impressive  manners,  and  who  always  said  "we,"  in- 
stead of  "you,"  when  talking  to  the  boys,  found  occasion  to  re- 
prove him, 

''We  do  not  look  very  clean,"  he  said  with  much  severity. 
"  Wo  have  not  washed  our  hands  this  morning.     Have  we  ? " 

"  I  don  t  know  about  3-ours,"  was  the  impudent  boy's  answer; 
"but  I  ve  washed  mine." 

'■  Ah  !  "  said  the  master,  "  we  are  very  impudent  to-day.  We 
will  have  to  write  a  hundred  lines  before  the  next  *  bill.' " 

When  "bill  "  time  came,  the  master  sent  for  the  boy.  "  Have 
we  written  our  lines  ?  "  he  asked. 

'  I've  written  my  fifty,"  the  boy  answered  very  promptly, 
handing  in  his  paper ;  "  but  I  don't  know  whether  you've 
done  your  half  !  " 

The  Plural  of  EgaL 

Gustav  Masson,  the  late  genial  French  Master  of  Harrow 
School,  once  told  me  that  he  asked  one  of  his  class  one  day  the 
following  question  : 

"  What  is  the  plural  of  egal  I " 

The  boy  addressed  looked  mischievously  at  his  tutor — whose 
good  nature  every  Harrow  boy  could  depend  on — and  with  eyes 
sparkling  with  merriment,  said  : 

"Two  gals.'     [20] 

A  Searching  Question. 

The  two  celebrated  divines  and  scholars,  Drs  South  and 
Sherlock,  were  once  disputing  on  some  religious  subject,  when 
tt'O  latter  accused  his  opponent  of  using  his  wit  in  the  controversy. 
"  Well,"  said  South,  "  suppose  it  had  pleased  God  to  give  you  wit, 
what  would  you  have  done  ? "     [11] 

Gallant  Wit. 
■  Mr  Smi*'\"   said   a  beautiful    young  lady   walking    in   the 
garden,    "  I  t^ar  I  shall  never  bring  this  pea  to  perfection." — 
"  Tben  permit  me,"  said  Sydney  Smith,  taking  her  by  the  hand, 
"  to  lead  perfection  to  the  pea."     [3] 

The  Mud- fish. 
By  an  indignant  Tory  Footman. 
"  The  ^lud-fish  at  the  Crystal  Palace  escaped  from  his  tank, 
and  could  not  be  found.     The  other  day  he  was  discovered  in  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  63 

marble  canal,  under  a  fountain,  where  he  had  been  amusing  him- 
self by  eating  the  gold  fish  and  doubling  his  size." — Daily  Paper. 

In  Sir  Joseph's  marble  dishes 
Cuts  about  them  golden  Fishes, 
All  their  life  in  splendour  passes — 
Them's,  you  see.  Us  Hupper  Classes. 

From  his  tank,  while  folks  is  sleeping, 
Comes  the  nasty  Mud-fish  leaping, 
With  no  end  of  spite  toward  us — 
That's,  you  see,  the  Lower  Horders, 

Up  and  down  our  basin  scouring, 
All  his  betters  he's  devouring, 
Gorging  till  he  gets  enormous — 
Just  as  would  them  low  Reformers. 

Moral  struck  me  when  I  see'd  'em  : 
Don't  give  low  folks  too  much  freedom  : 
Gold-fish  lives  on  this  here  basis  : — 
Keep  the  Mtul-fish  in  their  places.     [1] 

Putney  Bridge  in  Olden  Time. 

Hook's  residence  at  Putney  afforded  occasion  for  the  delivery  of 
one  of  his  best  bon-mots.  A  friend,  viewing  Putney  bridge  from 
the  little  terrace  that  overhung  the  Thames,  observed  that  he  had 
been  informed  that  it  was  a  very  good  investment,  and,  turning  to 
his  host,  inquired  "if  such  was  the  case — if  the  bridge  really 
answered  ? " 

"1  don't  know,"  said  Theodore,  "but  you  have  only  to  cross 
it,  and  you  are  sure  to  be  tolled."     [28] 

Why  He  Wouldn't  Buy  Haydn's  Music. 

As  Haydn  wfi-^"  ■'musing  himself  one  morning  in  shopping,  he 
inquired  of  the  music-seller  if  he  had  any  select  and  beautiful 
music. 

"  Certainly,"  replied  the  shopman,  "I  have  just  printed  some 
sublime  music  of  Haydn's. " 

"Oh,"  returned  Haydn,  "  I'll  have  nothing  to  do  with  that." 

"  How,  sir !  you  will  have  nothing  to  do  with  Haydn's  music  ! 
And  pray,  what  fault  have  you  to  find  with  it  ? " 

"Oh,  plenty ;  but  it's  useless  talking  about  it  since  it  does  not 
suit  me  :  show  me  some  other." 


64  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

The  music-seller,  who  was  a  warm  Haydnist,  replied,  "  No,  sir ; 
I  have  music,  it  is  true,  but  not  for  such  as  you  ; "  and  turned  his 
back  upon  him. 

As  Haydn  was  going  away,  smiling,  a  gentleman  of  his  acquaint- 
ance entered,  and  accosted  him  by  name.  The  music-seller,  still 
out  of  humour,  turned  round  at  the  name,  and  said  to  the  person 
who  had  just  entered  the  shop,  "  Haydn  !  ay,  here's  a  fellow  who 
says  he  doesn't  like  that  great  man's  music." 

The  Englishman  laughed,  an  explanation  took  place,  and  the 
music-seller  was  for  the  future  acquainted  with  the  man  who  found 
fault  with  Haydn's  music. 

Lord  North's  Drollery. 

A  few  only  of  Lord  North's  sajangs  have  reached  us,  and  these, 
as  might  be  expected,  are  rather  things  of  which  he  had  chanced 
to  coat  over  \vith  some  sarcasm  or  epigram  that  tended  to  preserve 
them ;  they  consequently  are  far'  from  giving  an  idea  of  his 
habitual  pleasantry  and?  the  gaiety  of  thought  which  generally  per- 
vaded his  speeches.  Thus — when  a  vehement  speaker  on  his  own 
side  disclaimed  him,  calling  aloud  for  his  head,  tm'ned  round  and 
perceived  his  victim  unconsciously  indulging  in  a  soft  slumber, 
and,  becoming  still  more  exasperated,  denounced  the  Minister  for 
being  capable  of  sleeping  while  he  ruined  the  country — the  latter 
only  complained  how  cruel  it  was  to  be  denied  the  solace  which 
other  criminals  generally  enjoyed — that  of  having  a  night's  rest 
before  their  fate. 

When  surprised  in  a  like  indulgence  during  the  performance  of 
a  very  inferior  artist,  who,  however,  showed  equal  indignation  at 
so  ill-timed  a  recreation,  he  contented  himself  by  observing  how 
hard  it  was  that  he  should  be  grudged  so  very  natural  a  release 
from  considerable  suffering  ;  but,  as  if  recollecting  himself,  added, 
that  it  was  unjust  in  the  gentleman  t-o  complain  of  him  for  taking 
the  remedy  ichich  he  had  himself  been  considerate  enough  to  administer. 

The  same  good-humour  ana  drollery  quitted  him  not  when  in 
opposition.  On  Mr  Martin's  proposal  to  have  a  starling  placed 
near  the  chair  and  taught  to  repeat  the  ciy  of  "Infamous 
Coalition ! "  Lord  North  coolly  suggested,  that,  as  long  as  the 
worthy  member  was  preserved  to  them,  it  would  be  a  needless 
waste  ot  public  money,  since  the  starling  might  well  perform  ms- 
office  by  deputy. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  65 

"  Sbaving  "  Them  Both. 

A  barber  having  come  iip  to  poll  at  the  hustings  at  a  Berwick 
election,  one  of  the  candidates,  with  evident  marks  of  disappoint- 
ment, asked,  "  What !  did  you  not  shave  me  this  morning  'i " 

"Yes,"    answered  the  barber,    "but  I  have  shaved  Mr 

(meaning  the  opposing  candidate)  since." 

Maiden  Speech  in  the  House  of  Commons. 

A  young  but  ambitious  M.P.  having  long  resolved  upon  attempt- 
ing some  speech  which  should  astonish  the  House,  at  last  rose 
solemnly,  and,  after  three  loud  hems,  spoke  as  follows  : — 

"  Mr  Speaker,  have  we  laws,  or  have  we  not  laws  ?  If  we  have 
laws,  and  they  are  not  observed,  to  what  end  were  those  laws 
made  ? " 

So  saying  he  sat  down,  his  chest  heaving  high  with  conscious 
consequence ;  when  another  Member  rose,  and  delivered  his 
thoughts  in  these  words  : — 

"Mr  Speaker,  did  the  honourable  gentleman  who  spoke  last, 
speak  to  the  purpose,  or  not  to  the  purpose  ?  If  he  did  not  speak 
to  the  purpose,  to  what  purpose  did  he  speak  ? " 

It  is  needless  to  describe  the  roar  of  laughter  with  which  the 
House  was  instantly  shaken,  or  to  say  that  the  orator  never  spoke 
again  in  that  place. 

Quin  and  the  Coxcomb. 

Quin  -one  day  complaining  of  his  old  age  and  infirmities,  in  the 
public  rooms  at  Bath,  a  pert  young  coxcomb  asked,  "What 
would  you  give  to  be  as  young  as  I  am  ? " 

"I  do  not  know,"  said  Quin,  measuring  him  very  contempt- 
uously,  "  but  I  should  be  almost  content  to  be  as  foolish," 

Very  Small  for  its  Age. 

Foote  being  at  a  nobleman's  house,  his  lordship,  as  soon  as 
dinner  was  over,  ordered  a  bottle  of  Cape  to  be  set  on  the  table, 
which,  after  magnifying  its  good  qualities,  and  in  particular  its 
age,  he  sent  round  the  table  in  glasses  that  scarcely  held  a 
thimbleful. 

"  Fine  wine,  upon  my  soul,"  says  the  wit,  tasting,  and  smacking 
his  lips. 

"  Is  it  not  verj'  curious  ?  "  says  his  lordship. 


66  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"Perfectly  so,  indeed,"  says  the  other  ;  ''I  do  not  remember 
to  have  seen  anything  so  little  of  its  age  in  my  life  before. " 

Acconnting  for  His  Baldness. 

The  late  Duke  of  York  once  remarked  to  Colonel  W.,  at  the 
mess  of  the  11th  regiment,  that  the  colonel  was  uncommonly  bald, 
and,  although  a  younger  man  than  His  Royal  Highness,  he  stood 
in  more  need  of  a  wig.  The  colonel,  who  had  been  of  verj^  long 
standing  in  the  service,  and  whose  promotion  had  been  by  no 
means  rapid,  informed  His  Royal  Highness  that  his  could  be  very 
easily  accounted  for. 

"  In  what  manner  ? "  asked  His  Royal  Highness,  rather  eagerly. 

"By  junior  officers  stepping  over  my  head,"  Colonel  W.  replied. 

The  Duke  was  so  pleased  with  the  reply,  that  the  gallant 
colonel  obtained  promotion  in  a  few  days  afterwards. 

Qualification  for  a  Lawyer. 

A  barrister  observed  to  a  learned  brother  in  court,  that  he 
thought  his  whiskers  were  very  unprofessional.  "  You  are  right," 
replied  his  friend,  "a  lawyer  cannot  be  too  barefaced." 

Poverty  a  Virtue. 

Dr  R maintained  that  poverty  was  a  virtue. 

"That,"  replied  Canning,  "is  literally  making  a  virtue  of 
necessifp." 

Qualification  for  Burial  with  Military  Honours. 
Military  Examiner — "What  must  a  man  be  to  be  buried  with 
military  honours  ? " 
Recruit — "Dead." 

What  to  do  with  Medicine. 

"Now  "Willie,"  said  a  coaxing  mother,  "I  don't  like  to  take 
medicine  any  better  than  you  do,  but  I  just  make  up  my  mind  to 
do  it,  and  then  I  do  it," 

The  child  looked  up  through  his  tears  and  replied,  "  And, 
mother,  I  just  make  up  my  mind  that  I  won't,  and  I  don't." 

How  to  get  rid  of  a  Nuisance. 

The  Rev.  Mather  Byles  had  a  slough  opposite  his  house,  in 
which,  on  a  certain  wet  day,  a  chaise  containing  two  of  the  tov/n 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  67 

council,  stuck  fast.     Dr  Byles  came  to  his  door  and  saluted  the 
officials  with  the  remark  : 

"Gentlemen,  I  have  often  complained  to  you  of  this  nuisance 
without  any  attention  being  paid  to  it,  and  am  very  glad  to  see 
you  stirring  in  this  matter  now." 

Applying  the  Sermon. 

A  renowned  clergyman  once  preached  rather  a  long  sermon  from 
the  text,  "Thou  art  weighed  in  the  balance  and  found  wanting." 
After  the  congregation  had  waited  about  an  hour,  some  began  to 
get  weary  and  went  out ;  others  soon  followed,  greatly  to  the 
annoyance  of  the  minister.  Another  person  started,  whereupon 
the  parson  stopped  in  his  sermon  and  said  :  "  That's  right,  gentle- 
men.    As  fast  as  you  ai-e  weighed,  pass  out." 

A  Chat  on  Blindness. 

Dean  Cowper,  of  Durham,  who  was  very  economical  with  his 
wine,  descanting  one  day  on  the  extraordinary  performance  of  a 
man  who  was  blind,  he  remarked  that  the  poor  fellow  could  see  no 
more  than  "  that  bottle." 

"I  do  not  wonder  at  it  at  all,  sir,"  said  a  minor  canon  at  the 
table,  ' '  for  we  have  seen  no  more  than  that  bottle  all  the  after- 
noon.'' 

Glad  that  his  Bent  was  to  he  Raised. 

A  landlord  told  his  tenant  that  he  meant  to  raise  his  rent. 
"I  am  glad  of  it,  sir,"  said  the  tenant,  "for  I  cannot  raise  it 
myself." 

A  Distinction. 

One  day  when  Colman  and  his  son  were  walking  from  Soho 
Square  to  the  Haymarket,  two  witlings — Miles  Peter  Andrews 
and  William  Augustus  Miles — were  coming  the  contrary  way, 
on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street.  They  had  each  sent  to 
Colman  a  dramatic  manuscript  for  the  summer  theatre,  and 
being  anxious  to  get  the  start  of  each  other,  in  the  production 
of  theu'  separate  works,  they  both  called  out,  "Remember, 
Colman,  I  am  first  oar."  "Humph,"  muttered  the  manager,  as 
they  passed  on,  "  they  may  talk  about  first  oars,  but  they  have 
not  a  skull  between  them." 

This  reminds  one  of  a  witticism  of  Douglas  Jerrold's  :  Two  con- 
ceited voung  authors  were  boasting  that  they  rowed  in  the  same 
c2 


68  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

boat  with  a  celebrated  wit  of  the  day, — **  Ay,"  replied  Jerrold, 
"  but  not  with  the  same  skulls." 

Boaz  and  Ruth. 

A  Sunday-school  teacher  was  giving  a  lesson  on  Euth.  She 
wanted  to  bring  out  the  kindness  of  Boaz  in  commanding  the 
reapers  to  drop  large  handfuls  of  barley. 

"  Now,  children, "-she  said,  "  Boaz  did  another  very  nice  thing 
for  Ruth  ;  can  you  tell  me  what  it  was  ?  " 

"Married  her  !  "  yelled  one  of  the  boys. 

Why  They  were  Out  of  Spirits. 

The  elder  Matthews  one  day  arrived  at  a  forlorn  country  inn,  and 
addressing  a  lugubrious  waiter,  enquired  if  he  could  have  a 
chicken  and  asparagus.  The  mysterious  serving-man  shook  his 
head. 

''  Can  I  have  a  duck,  then  ? " 

"No,  sir." 

"  Have  you  any  mutton  chops  ? " 

"Not  one,  sir." 

•'Then,  as  you  have  no  eatables,  bring  me  something  to  drink. 
Have  you  any  spirits  ? " 

"Sir,"  replied  the  man,  ■wath  a  profound  sigh,  "  we  are  out  of 
spirits. " 

"  Then,  in  wonder's  name,  what  have  you  got  in  the  house  ? " 

"An  execution,  sir  !  "  answered  the  waiter. 
Unused  Possessions. 

Pithy  enough  was  the  reply  of  the  avaricious  old  man,  who, 
being  asked  by  a  nobleman  of  doubtful  courage  what  pleasure  he 
found  in  amassing  riches  which  he  never  used,  answered  :  "  Much 
the  same  that  your  lordship  has  in  wearing  a  sword." 

Doing  Credit  to  His  Teacher. 

A  lawyer  and  his  clerk  riding  on  the  road,  the  clerk  desired  to 
know  what  was  the  chief  point  of  the  law.  His  master  said  if  he 
would  promise  to  pay  for  their  suppers  that  night  he  would  tell 
him,  which  was  agreed  to. 

"Why,  then,"  said  the  master,  "good  witnesses  are  the  chief 
points  in  law." 

When  he  came  to  the  inn  the  master  bespoke  a  couple  of  fowls 


EXGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  69 

for  supper,  and  when  they  had  supped,  told  the  clerk  to  pay  for 
them  according  to  agreement. 

"  Oh,  sir,"  said  he,  "  where  is  your  good  witness  ? " 
An  Unanswerable  Argument  against  Bigamy. 

At  one  of  the  schools  in  Cornwall,  the  inspector  asked  the 
children  if  they  could  quote  any  text  of  Scripture  which  forbade 
a  man  having  two  wives.  One  of  the  children  sagely  quoted  in 
reply,  the  text,   "  No  man  can  serve  two  masters." 

Preventing  the  Scapegrace  from  Sharing  In  the  Will. 

"  Now,  Mr  Lawyer,"  said  the  dying  man,  "  I  want  you  to 
settle  it  in  my  will  so  that  my  son  Joe  won't  get  a  shilling.  He 
is  a  worthless  fellow,  and  will  spend  his  money  in  a  week. " 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right,"  said  the  lawyer,  politely,  "  I'll  take  care 
of  that.  I'U  see  that  he  doesn't  get  anything."  And  he  didn't. 
Neither  did  anyhody  else. 

How  to  Eat  Pine-Apple. 

The  following  story  is  told  of  a  Conservative  M.P.,  who,  wishing 
to  conciliate  an  old  captain  of  a  mine,  a  voter,  sent  him  a  splendid 
pine-apple  from  his  hothouse. 

"I  hope  you  liked  it,"  he  said  to  the  old  man,  when  he  met 
him  a  few  days  afterwards. 

"Well,  yes,  thankee,  pretty  well.  But  I  suppose  we  sort  of 
people  are  not  used  to  them  line  things,  and  don't  know  how  to 
eat  'em." 

"  How  did  you  eat  it  then  ?  "  asked  the  M.P. 

"  Well,"  said  the  old  man,'/*  we  boiled  'im." 

"  Boiled  it  ?  "  sighed  the  M.P.  in  horror,  thinking  of  his  pine- 
apple. 

"  Yes,  we  boiled  'im  with  a  leg  of  mutton." 

Making  the  Most  of  the  Situation. 

A  man  was  asked  by  another,  with  whom  he  was  not  on  the  best 
of  terms,  where  he  had  taken  up  his  abode. 

"Oh,"  he  replied,  "lam  living  by  the  canal  at  present.  I 
should  be  delighted  if  you  would  drop  in  some  evening." 

Making  free  with  a  Judge's  Character  and  Office. 

Some  few  years  ago  a  culprit  was  tried  in  a  mayor's  court  for 
an  offence,   and   though    he    seemed    undoubtedly    guilty,   his 


70  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

worship  recommended  the  offender  to  the  jury,  on  account  of 
his  good  character.  After  some  deliberation,  the  foreman  got 
up  and  thus  addressed  the  mayor:  "  May  it  please  your  worship- 
ful, we  find  the  prisoner  guilty,  but,  in  countenance  of  your 
worship's  exceptionable  good  character,  we  acquit  him." 

A  Little  Girl's  Idea  of  "  Cash." 

A  little  five-year- old,  aft«r  shopping  with  her  mother  at  leading 
drapery  shops,  remarked,  "  Seems  to  me  there  are  a  good  many 
boys  named  '  Cash.'  " 

A  Distinction  and  a  Difference. 

*•  Were  you  never  in  a  court  of  justice  before  ? "  asked  a  judge 
of  a  witness  who  was  conducting  himself  in  a  very  unseemly 
manner. 

"  No,  never,"  replied  the  man  ;  "  but  I've  often  been  before  the 
magistrates." 

Two  boys' "taU"  talk. 

Tom — "  My  father's  so  tall  he  can  look  over  the  garden  wall." 

Jack — "So  can  my  father,  with  his  baton." 

Cne  Example  in  wMcli  a  Translation  is  better  tban  an 
Original. 

Dry  den's  translation  of  Virgil  being  commended  by  a  right 
reverend  bishop  in  the  presence  of  a  veiy  witty  earl — "The 
translation  is,  indeed,  excellent,"  said  his  lordship,  "but  every- 
thing suffers  by  a  translation — eoxept  a  bishop." 

The  Cost  of  a  Wife  according  to  Scripture. 

A  Quaker  married  a  woman  of  the  Church  of  England.  After 
the  ceremony,  the  vicar  asked  for  his  fees,  which,  he  sati,  were  a 
crown.  The  Quaker,  astonished  at  the  demand,  said  if  he  would 
show  him  any  text  in  the  Scripture  which  proved  his  fees  were  a 
crown,  he  would  give  it  unto  him  ;  upon  which  the  vicar  directly 
turned  to  Proverbs  xii.  verse  4,  where  it  is  said,  "A  virtuous 
woman  is  a  crown  to  her  husband." 

"Thou  art  right,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "in  thy  assertion; 
Soloman  was  a  wise  man.  Here  are  the  five  twelvepenny  pieces, 
and  something  beside  to  buy  a  pair  of  gloves. " 

Johnson  s  Literary  Irony. 

Mrs  B desired  Dr  Johnson  to  give  his  opinion  of  a  new 

work  she  had  just  written  ;  adding,  that  if  it  would  not  do,  she 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  71 

begged  him  to  tell  her,  for  she  had  other  irons  in  the  fire,  and  in 
case  of  its  not  being  likely  to  succeed,  she  could  bring  out  some- 
thing else. 

"  Then,"  said  the  Doctor,  after  having  turned  over  a  few  of  the 
leaves,  "  I  advise  you,  madam,  to  put  it  where  your  other  irons 
are,'* 

Lengthening  His  Name  by  an  Ell. 

It  being  proved,  on  a  trial  at  Guildhall,  that  a  man's  name  was 
really  Inch,  who  pretended  that  it  was  Linch. 

"I  see,"  said  the  Judge,  "the  old  proverb  is  verified  in  this 
man,  who,  being  allowed  an  Inch,  has  taken  an  L." 

Propliecy  Fulfilled. 

One  coming  into  a  cathedral,  where  the  choir  consisted  of  veiy 
bad  voices,  said  that  the  prophecy  of  Amos  was  fulfilled  :  "And 
the  songs  of  the  temple  .shall  be  bowlings." 

Politely  Said;  but-Left  Unsaid-Still  More  Polite. 

Stevens  (who  died  grave-digger  df  Clerkenwell,  in  1768,  at  the 
age  of  ninety)  was  once  on  an  examination  before  one  of  the 
covuis  in  Westminster  Hall,  relative  to  some  parochial  affairs, 
when,  being  asked  who  he  was,  he  replied,  "  1  am  gravedigger  of 
the  parish  of  St  James,  Clerkenwell,  at  your  honours'  service." 

Giving  a  Good  Account  of  His  Stewardship. 

"  I  cannot  conceive,"  said  one  English  nobleman  to  another, 
"  how  it  is  that  you  manage.  I  am  convinced  you  are  not  of  a 
temper  to  spend  more  than  your  income,  and  yet  though  youi* 
estate  is  less  than  mine,  I  could  not  afford  to  live  at  the  rate  you  do." 

"My  lord,"  .said  the  other,  "  I  have  a  place." 

"  A  place  !  You  amaze  me.  I  never  heard  of  it  till  now.  Pray 
what  place  ? " 

"/a//t  my  ov:n  Ste^card." 

The  Sweep  Turning  the  Tables  on  the  Parson. 

A  dignified  clergyman,  going  to  his  living  to  spend  the  summer, 
met  near  his  house  a  comical  old  chimney-sweeper  with  whom  he 
used  to  chat. 

"  So,  John,"  said  the  Doctor,   "  whence  come  you  ? " 
"From  your  house,  sir,  where  this  morning  I  swept  all  your 
chimneys." 


72  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"  How  many  are  there  ? "  said  the  doctor." 

**  No  less  than  twenty,"  quoth  John. 

"  Well,  and  how  much  a  chimney  have  you  ?  " 

"  Only  a  shilling  a-piece,  sir." 

**  Why,  then,"  quoth  the  doctor,  "  you  have  earned  a  great  deal 
of  money  in  a  little  time. " 

"  Yes,  yes,"  says  John,  throwing  his  bag  over  his  shoulder,  "  we 
Hack  coats  get  our  money  easy  enough." 

Probably  Money-hunting. 

Mr  Hare,  formerly  the  envoy  to  Poland,  had  apartments  in  the 
same  house  with  Mr  Fox  ;  and,  like  his  friend  Charles,  had  fre- 
quent dealings  with  the  monied  Israelites.  One  morning,  as  he 
was  looking  out  of  his  window,  he  observed  several  of  the  tribe 
assembled  at  the  door,  for  admittance. 

"  Pray,  gentlemen,"  says  he,  ''are  you  Fox-hunting,  or  Hare- 
hunting  this  morning  ? " 

"  Shaving  "  the  Barber. 

"  Sir,"  said  a  barber  to  an  attorney,  who  was  passing  his  door, 
"  will  you  tell  me  if  this  is  a  good  seven -shilling  piece  ? "  The 
lawyer  pronounced  the  piece  good,  deposited  it  in  his  pocket, 
adding,  with  great  gravity,  "if  you'll  send  your  lad  to  ray  office, 
I'll  return  the  fourpence." 

Curious  Epistle  from  one  Quaker  to  Another. 

Friend  Ammixadab, — I  desire  thou  wilt  go  from  me  unto  one 
of  those  sinful  men  in  the  flesh,  called  attornej's  ;  and,  after  duly 
eommuning  with  him,  see  that  he  taketh  out  an  instrument  with 
a  seal  fixed  thereunto,  by  means  whereof  we  may  seize  the  out- 
ward tabernacle  of  Obadiah  Prim,  and  bring  him  before  the 
lambskin  men  at  Westminister,  and  teach  him  to  do  as  he  would 
be  done  unto.  And  so,  I  rest  thy  friend  in  the  light, — Timothy 
Steady. 

The  Ass  was  "  Missing." 

An  eminent  judge  used  to  say  that  in  his  opinion  the  verj*  best 
thing  ever  said  by  a  witness  to  a  counsel  was  the  reply  given  to 
Missing,  the  barrister,  at  the  time  leader  of  his  circuit.  He  was 
defending  a  prisoner  charged  with  stealing  a  donkey.  The  pro- 
*»ecutor  had  left  the  animal  tied  up  to  a  gate,  and  when  he  re 


EXGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  73 

turned,  it  was  gone.     Missing  was  very  severe  in  his  examination 

of  the  witness. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  the  donkey  was  stolen  from  the  gate  ? " 
"  I  mean  to  say,  sir,"  giving  the  judge  and  jury  a  sly  look,  at 

the  same  time  pointing  to  the  counsel,  "  the  ass  was  Missing." 

Two  Examples  of  French  Running. 

Some  years  ago  at  the  Derby,  when  the  grand  prize  was  won  by 
a  French  horse,  the  Frenchmen  present  cheered  most  vociferously, 
and  in  addition  to  other  expressions  of  triumph,  one  of  them 
shouted,  "  Waterloo  avenged  !  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Sir  William  Harcourt,  who  was  standing  by,  and 
whose  ready  wit  and  crushing  sarcasm  have  so  often  turned  the 
tables  on  his  opponents,  "  you  rati  well  in  both  cases." 

"A  Host  in  Himself"  is  Sometimes  Expensive. 

A  Dean  of  Canterbury,  remarkable  for  holding  a  great  number 
of  church-preferments,  travelling  slowly  in  his  chariot  to  that  city, 
was  overtaken  by  a  poor  parson,  who  had  somehow  procured  the 
loan  of  a  good  horse.  The  parson,  enjjctssant,  bowed  most  respect- 
fully to  the  Dean,  who,  desiring  him  to  stop,  begged  he  would 
call  at  the  Mermaid  at  Rochester,  and  order  him  a  dinner,  to  be 
ready  at  a  certain  hour.  The  parson  accordingly  called  on  the 
host,  and  told  him  that  he  would  be  honoured  with  a  visit  at  such 
a  time,  and  must  provide  a  good  dinner. 

"  For  how  many,  and  please  your  honour?"  says  Boniface. 

"Why,"  replied  the  parson,  ' '  I  can't  well  say  how  many  persons 
the  whole  company  will  consist  of,  for  I  only  saw  the  Dean  of 
Canterbury,  the  Canon  of  Winchester,  the  Provost  of  Lichfield, 
the  Rector  of  Orpington,  the  Vicar  of  Romney,  and  one  of  the 
King's  chaplains." 

The  parson  then  proceeded  to  his  own  home,  which  was  within 
a  few  miles,  and  the  landlord  began  to  make  ample  provision  for 
the  numerous  guests  he  expected  to  entertain.  Accordingly, 
when  the  dean  arrived,  a  large  table  was  set,  and  the  cloth  laid. 

"How's  this! "cries  his  reverence,  "you  have  shown  me  the 
wrong  room  ;  this,  surely,  is  intended  for  a  large  company. " 

"And  please  your  honour,"  replied  the  landlord,  "Parson 
Singlechurch  called  about  an  hour  and  a  half  ago,  and  told  me  I 
must  provide  for  your  honour,  and  the  Canon  of  Winchester,  and 


74  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

the  Provost  of  Lichfield,  and  the  Rector  of  Orpington,  and  one  of 
the  King's  Chaplains  too,  and  I  don't  know  how  many  more,  and 
so  I  thought,  and  please  your  honour,  I'd  get  enough." 

"  Oh,  very  well !  "  coolly  answered  the  Dean,  who  now  recollected 
himself,  "  I  ought  to  have  asked  ]\Ir  Singlechurch  to  have  stayed 
and  dined  with  me." 

A  Child's  Idea  of  a  "  Sister  of  Charity." 

"Who  is  that  lady  dressed  in  black,  mamma? "  asked  Bobby, 
as  he  sat  with  his  mother  on  a  steamboat. 

"  That  is  a  Sister  of  Charity,  my  boy,"  replied  his  mother. 

Bobby  pondered  deeply  for  a  moment,  and  then  said,  "  What 
is  she,  mamma.  Faith,  or  Hope  ? " 

Why  he  wore  the  Blue  Ribbon. 

Apostle— {to  countryman)  "I  see  you  wear  the  blue  ribbon, 
sir.     You  look  upon  rum  as  a  curse,  of  coiu-se  ? " 

Countryman — There  ain't  no  man  in  our  township  what  can 
drink  more  than  I  can.  I  took  that  blue  ribbon  for  the  second 
biggest  hog  at  the  country  fair." 

Apostle — "You  ought  to  have  taken  first  piize,  my  friend." 
Were  they  both  Insane  ? 

Loi'd  Shaftesbuiy  was  fond  of  a  good  story,  and  he  used  to  relate 
an  amusing  anecdote  in  illustration  of  the  way  in  which  eminent 
men  sometimes  formed  their  opinions  as  to  the  sanity  of  their 
patients.  He  was  sitting  one  day  as  chairman  of  the  Lunacy  Com- 
mission when  the  alleged  insanity  of  a  lady  was  under  discussion, 
and  he  took  a  view  of  the  case  adverse  to  that  of  his  colleagues. 

One  of  the  medical  men  who  was  there  to  give  evidence  crept 
up  to  his  chair,  and  said  in  a  confidential  tone  :  "  Are  you  aware, 
my  lord,  that  she  subscribes  to  the  Society  for  the  Conversion  of 
the  Jews  ? " 

"  Indeed,"  replied  Lord  Shaftesbury  ;  "  and  are  you  aware  that 
I  am  the  president  of  that  society  ? " 

"  A  Little  Knowledge  is  a  Dangerous  Thing." 

Another  story  he  was  fond  of  telling  was  that  the  editor  of  a 
" religious"  paper  in  South  America,  who  had  attacked  him  with 
gi'eet  bitterness  for  the  active  part  he  had  taken  in  the  anti- 
slavery  agitation,  and  urged  him  to  look  at  home,  "and  consider 
the  condition  of  the  working-classes  of  his  own  country."    The 


ENGLISH  WIT  ASIJ  HUMOUR.  75 

editor  followed  up  his  reproaches  with  the  question,  "  Who  is  this 
Lord  Shaftesbury?"  and  then  continued,  "some  unknown 
lordling  ;  one  of  your  modern  philanthropists,  suddenly  started 
up  to  take  part  in  a  passing  agitation.  It  is  a  pity  he  does  not 
look  at  home.  Where  was  he  when  Lord  Ashley  (Lord  Shaftes- 
bur}-'s  title  iu  early  life)  was  so  nobly  fighting  for  the  Factory  Bill, 
and  pleading  the  cause  of  the  English  slave  ?  We  never  even 
heard  the  name  of  Lord  Shaftesbury  then  ? " 

"  AU  But !  " 

The  cui-ate  of  a  London  church,  whose  pronunciation  is  more 
pedantic  than  proper,  has  been  very  justly  snubbed  for  alluding 
to  the  heir-apparent  as  though  his  name  was  written  "  Awlbut" 
Edward.  He  was  asked  the  other  day  why  he  so  significantly 
excluded  the  Prince  of  Wales  in  his  prayer  for  the  Royal 
Family. 

"  Exclude  him  !     What  do  you  mean  ?  " 

*'  Why,"  said  his  friend,  "  you  always  pray  for  all  hut  Edward, 
Prince  of  Wales  !  " 

A  CMld  Proving  His  Ability  to  Use  a  Dinner  Knife, 
Little  Rudolph  one  day  begged  an  invitation  to  dinner  at  the 

house  of  a  little  friend  with  whom  he  had  been  playing  during 

the  morning.      At  the  table  his    hostess  anxiously    enquired  : 

"  Rudolph,  can  you  cut  your  own  meat  ? " 
"Humph!"  said  Rudolph,  who  was  sawing  away,  "Can't  I? 

I've  cut  up  a  great  deal  of  tougher  meat  than  this  at  home." 

Consoling  bis  Fatber. 

"  Yours  is  a  very  expensive  school,"  said  papa,  with  a  long  face 
and  a  short  purse. 

"  Very  sorry.  Dad,"  replied  young  Hopeful,  "  but  I  don't  learn 
more  than  I  can  help." 

Advantages  of  Occasionally  Reading  the  Bible. 

Some  gentlemen  of  a  Bible  Association  calling  upon  an  old 
woman  to  see  if  she  had  a  Bible  were  severely  reproved  by  the  old 
lady's  reply. 

"Do  you  think,  gentlemen,  that  I  am  a  heathen,  that  you  ask 
me  that  question  i "  Then,  addressing  a  little  girl,  she  said  : 
' '  Run  and  fetch  me  the  Bible  out  of  the  drawer  that  I  may  show 
it  to  the  gentlemen." 


76  E VER  VBOD  Y'S  BOOK  OF 

The  visitors  declined  giving  her  the  trouble,  but  she  insisted. 
Accordingly  the  Bible  was  brought,  nicely  covered,  and  on  opening 
it,  the  old  woman  exclaimed  :  "Well,  how  glad  I  am  you  came, 
here  are  my  spectacles  that  I  have  been  looking  for  these  three 
years." 

It  Takes  Two  to  Play  an  Organ. 

In  a  cathedral,  one  day  after  service,  the  bellows-blower  said  to 
the  organist,  "  I  think  we  have  done  very  well  to-day." 

"  We !  "  said  the  organist  in  no  small  surprise  at  the  independ- 
ence of  his  menial,  "how  can  you  pretend  to  have  any  merit  in 
the  performance?  Never  let  me  hear  you  say  such  a  thing 
again." 

The  man  said  nothing  more  at  the  time,  but  when  they  were 
next  playing,  he  suddenly  intermitted  in  his  task  of  inflating  the 
organ.  The  organist  rose  in  wrath  to  order  him  to  proceed,  when 
the  fellow,  thrusting  his  head  out  from  behind  the  curtain,  asked 
slily,  "  shall  it  be  we,  then  ? " 

Faith  and  Riches. 

Thej  have  sayings  at  Oxford  which  would  be  termed  profane 
anywhere  else.  For  instance,  when  a  tradesman  has  grown  rich 
by  trusting  the  scholars,  they  say,  that  "  his  faith  hath  made  him 
whole." 

Promotion  and  Pride. 

A  farmer  was  elected  to  a  corporalship  in  a  militia  company. 
His  wife,  after  discoursing  with  him  for  some  time  on  the  advan- 
tage which  the  family  would  derive  from  his  exaltation,  enquired 
in  a  doubting  tone, 

"Husband,  will  it  be  proper  for  us  to  let  our  children  play 
with  our  neighbours'  now  ?  " 

One  of  the  little  urchins  eagerly  asked  :  "Are  we  not  all 
corporals?" 

"Tut !"  said  the  mother,  "  hold  your  tongue,  there  is  no  one  cor- 
poral, but  your  father  and  myself  !" 

A  Cool  Reception. 

A  gentleman  having  appointed  to  meet  his  friend  on  particular 
business,  went  to  his  house  and  knocked  at  the  door,  which  was 
opened  by  a  servant  girl.  He  infonned  her  he  wanted  her 
master. 

"He  is  gone  out,  sir,"  said  she. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  77 

"Then  your  mistress  will  do,"  said  the  gentleman. 

"She,"  said  the  girl,  "  is  gone  out,  too." 

**  My  business  is  of  consequence,"  returned  he  ;  "is  your  mas- 
ter's son  at  home  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  the  girl,  "  he  is  gone  out." 

"That's  unlucky,  indeed,"  replied  he  ;  "but  perhaps  it  may  not 
be  long  before  they  return  ;  I  will  step  in  and  sit  by  your  fire." 

**0h,  sir,"  said  the  girl,  "the fire  has  gone  out,  too." 

Upon  this  the  gentleman  good-temperedly  bade  her  inform  her 
master  that  he  did  not  expect  to  be  received  so  coolly. 

Fools  are  Best  Kept  Apart. 

A  proud  parson  and  his  man,  riding  over  a  common,  saw  a  shep- 
herd tending  his  flock  in  a  new  coat.  The  parson  asked  in  a 
haughty  tone,  who  gave  him  that  coat. 

"The  same  people,"  said  the  shepherd,  "that  clothe  you — 
the  parish." 

The  parson,  nettled  a  little,  rode  on,  murmuring,  a  considerable 
way,  and  sent  his  man  back  to  ask  the  shepherd  if  he  would  come 
and  live  with  him,  for  he  wanted  a  fool.  The  man  went  to  the 
shepherd,  accordingly,  and  delivered  his  master's  message,  con- 
cluding that  his  master  really  wanted  a  fool. 

"  Are  you  going  away,  then  ? "  said  the  shepherd. 

"  No,"  answered  the  other. 

"  Then  you  may  tell  your  master,"  replied  the  shepherd,  "  his 
living  won't  maintain  three  of  us." 

A  Good  Move. 

Sheridan  being  on  a  Parliamentary  committee,  one  day  entered 
the  room  as  all  the  members  were  seated,  and  ready  to  commence 
business.  Perceiving  no  empty  seat,  he  bowed,  and  looking  round 
the  table  with  a  droll  expression  of  countenance,  said,  "  Will  any 
gentleman  move  that  I  may  take  the  chair  ?  " 

Letter  from  a  Father  in  Sunderland,  to  his  Son  in 
Newcastle. 

Son, — Thy  mother  hath  taken  an  old  coat  of  mine,  to  make  thee 
one  against  this  time.  I  have  sent  Peggy  with  the  old  mare  ; 
thou  and  she  can  ride  back  by  turns.      I  am  told  thou  makest 


78  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

little  progress  in  thy  learning,  for  which  thou  art  an  ass,  and  I  am 
thy  Father,— B..  T. 

Quid  Pro  Quo. 

It  is  reported  that  one  day,  when  Lord  Brougham  had  driven 
to  the  House  in  the  vehicle  of  his  own  invention,  which  Robinson, 
the  coachmaker,  had  christened  after  him,  he  was  met  in  the  rob- 
ing-room  by  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  who,  after  a  low  bow, 
accosted  him  thus : 

"  I  have  always  hitherto  lived  under  the  impression  that  your 
Lordship  would  go  down  to  posterity  as  the  great  apostle  of  edu- 
cation, the  emancipator  of  the  negro,  the  restorer  of  abused 
charities,  the  reformer  of  the  law.  But  no,  you  will  hereafter  be 
known  only  as  the  inventor  of  a  carriage." 

"And  I,  my  lord  duke,  have  always  been  under  the  delusion 
that  your  grace  would  be  remembered  as  the  hero  of  a  hundred 
battles,  the  liberator  of  Europe,  the  conqueror  of  Napoleon.  But 
no,  your  grace  will  be  known  as  the  inventor  of  a  pair  of  boots." 

"Confound  the  boots!"  said  the  Iron  Duke,  "I  had  quite 
forgotten  them.     You  have  the  best  of  it " 

Hats  Off! 

Mr  Spurgeon  on  one  occasion  was  much  annoyed  by  three  young 
men  persisting  in  wearing  their  hats  in  the  Tabernacle.  He. 
appeared  for  the  time  not  to  notice  them,  but  proceeded  to  tell 
his  audience  of  a  visit  he  paid  to  a  Jewish  Synagogue. 

"When  I  entered,"  he  said,  "  I  took  off  my  hat,  but  was  in- 
formed that  the  great  mark  of  respect  was  to  keep  it  on.  I  did 
so,  though  I  can  assure  you  I  felt  very  strange  wearing  my  hat 
in  a  place  of  worship.  And  now,  as  I  paid  this  mark  of  respect 
to  the  Synagogue,  may  I  ask  those  three  Jews  in  the  gallery  to 
conform  equally  to  our  rules,  and  kindly  uncover  their  heads." 

The  young  men  "  collapsed." 

How  Many  Commandinents  Are  There  ? 

A  country  lad  went  to  be  confirmed  by  the  bishop,  who,  inquir- 
ing if  he  had  learned  his  catechism,  asked  him  how  many  command- 
ments there  were. 

"Forty,"  replied  Hodge. 

"Go  home,  child,  and  learn  better,"  said  the  bishop. 

On  his  return  home,  Hodge  met  a  companion  who  was  also 


EXGL ISH  WIT  A  ND  H UMO UR.  79 

going  to  be  confirmed.  "Stop,"  said  he,  "do  you  know  how- 
many  commandments  there  be  ? " 

"Yes,  to  be  sure,"  replied  the  other,   "ten." 

"  Pshaw  !  you  fool !  "  said  the  other,  "  I  told  the  bishop  forty, 
and  that  would  not  do  ;  go  home,  and  learn  better." 

Wit  Defined  and  Exemplified. 

In  a  private  conversation,  the  late  Earl  of  Chatham  asked  Dr. 
Henniker,  among  other  questions,  how  he  defined  wit?  The 
doctor  replied,  "My  lord,  icit  is  like  what  a  peiision  would  be 
given  by  your  lordship  to  your  humble  servant — a  good  thing  well 
applied. " 

Finding  Time  for  a  Man  who  had  None. 

"  I  can't  go  to  gaol,"  said  a  funny  vagrant.  "  I  have  no 
time." 

"  The  court  provides  that,"  said  the  magistrate.  "  I  give  you 
ten  days." 

Defining  a  False  Witness. 

The  children  at  a  Sunday-school,  not  long  since,  being  asked, 
among  other  questions,  what  bearing  false  witness  against  one's 
neighbour  meant,  a  pert  little  girl  replied:  "  It  is  when  nobody 
hain't  done  nothing,  and  somebody  goes  and  tells." 

A  Witty  Remark  on  Posterity. 

An  orator  lately  said  to  his  audience,  "  I  am  speaking  for  the 
benefit  of  posterity,"  when  some  one  shouted,  "Yes  ;  and  if  you 
don't  get  done  soon  they'll  be  here  !  " 

Why  He  Did  not  Get  any  Pudding. 

There  was  only  one  passenger  on  board  a  certain  sailing-vessel, 
who  took  his  meals  in  the  after-cabin  with  the  captain  and  mate, 
and  who  always  suspected  that  those  two  worthies  defrauded  him 
of  his  due  share  of  the  eatables  when  they  got  the  chance.  One 
day  a  roly-poly  pudding  appeared  at  dinner,  just  enough  for 
thi-ee,  and  the  passenger,  who  had  a  sweet  tooth,  was  instantly  on 
the  alert  to  see  that  he  got  his  fair  and  proper  third. 

"Mr  X.,  do  you  like  pudding-ends,  sir?"  the  captain  asked, 
with  the  knife  poised  in  air  ready  to  cut  the  delicacy. 

"No,  I  do  not  like  ends,  sir,"  replied  the  passenger,  who  con- 
sidered that  he  had  as  much  right  to  the  middle  slice  as  anyone 


80  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"Ah,  well,  then,  me  and  my  mate  does!"  was  the  gallant 
captain's  observation,  as  he  cut  the  padding  in  two,  and  deposited 
half  on  the  mate's  plate  and  half  on  his  own. 

When  Thirteen  is  an  Unlucky  Number. 

Some  people  have  an  objection  to  thirteen  at  dinner.  Dr  Kit- 
chiner,  a  culinary,  happened  to  be  one  of  a  company  of  that  num- 
ber at  Dr  Henderson's,  and,  on  its  being  remarked,  and  pronounced 
unlucky,  he  said,  "  I  admit  that  it  is  unlucky  in  one  case." 

''What  case  is  that?" 

"  When  there  is  only  dinner  for  twelve." 

When  is  a  Saddle  a  Mule  ? 

Two  Oxford  scholars,  meeting  on  the  road  with  a  Yorkshire 
hostler,  fell  to  bantering  him,  and  told  the  fellow  they  would 
prove  him  to  be  a  horse,  or  an  ass. 

"  Well,"  said  the  hostler,  "and  I  can  prove  your  saddle  to  be  a 
mule." 

"  A  mule  ! "  cried  one  of  them,  "  how  can  that  be  ?" 

"  Because,"  said  the  hostler,  "it  is  between  a  hoi'se and  an  ass." 

A  Doubtful  Apology. 

"  Mr ,"  said  his  honour,  after  a  particularly  daring  statemeac 

on  the  part  of  the  lawyer,  "  you  must  apologise  for  that  remark, 
or  I  will  commit  you  for  contempt." 

The  counsel  rose,  and,  after  a  pause,  said,  "  I  beg  the  court's 
pardon  ;  I  now  see  that  your  honour  was  right,  and  I  was  wrong, 
as  your  honour  generally  is." 

Coals  or  "  Coke "  ? 

A  certain  barrister,  who  was  remarkable  for  coming  into  court 
with  dirty  hands,  observed  that  he  "  had  been  turning  over  the 
leaves  of  Coke." 

"  I  shovild  have  thought  it  was  coals  you  had  been  turning  over," 
observed  a  wag. 

A  Consumptive  Patient. 

Dr  Thomson  was  called  in  to  attend  a  gentleman  who  had  per- 
suaded himself  that  he  was,  to  use  a  popular  expression,  "dying 
by  inches."  The  doctor  caught  the  invalid  at  dinner,  and  having 
seen  him  demolish  some  soup,  a  slice  of  salmon,  two  cuts  of  chine 
of  mutton,  and  half  a  partridge,  inquired  what  other  symptoms  of 
disease  he  felt. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  81 

"None  particularly,  sir,"  said  the  invalid,  "only  everything 
about  me  tends  to  convince  me  that  I  am  consumptive." 

"Your  appetite  is,  at  all  events,  sir,"  said  the  doctor,  and 
walked  off. 

"  Coming  Home  to  Roost." 

James  II.,  who  so  seldom  said  a  good  thing,  one  day  said  a  very 
ill-bred  one.  He  declared  in  the  midst  of  his  courtiers  that  "  ho 
had  never  known  a  modest  man  make  his  way  at  court."  To  this 
observation  one  of  the  gentlemen  present  boldly  replied,  * '  And 
please  your  majesty,  whose  fault  is  that  ? "  The  king  was  struck, 
and  remained  silent. 

A  Methodical  Organ-Blower. 

Some  years  ago  a  gentleman  at  Windsor  took  the  place  of  the 
organist,  with  a  view  to  show  his  superiority  in  execution.  Among 
other  pieces,  he  was  playing  one  of  Dr  Blow's  anthems  ;  but,  just 
as  he  had  finished  the  verse  part,  and  had  begun  the  full  chorus, 
the  organ  ceased.  On  this  he  called  to  Dick,  the  bellows  blower, 
to  know  what  was  the  matter. 

"  The  matter  ?  "  says  Dick  ;  "  I  have  played  the  anthem  below." 

"Ay,"  says  the  other,  "  but  I  have  not  played  it  above." 

"  No  matter,"  quoth  Dick,  "you  might  have  made  more  haste, 

then  ;  I  know  how  many  puffs  go  to  one  of  Dr  Blow's  anthems  as 

well  as  you  do  :  I  have  not  played  the  organ  so  many  years  for 

nothing." 

Political  Fireworks. 
A  Whig,  of  the  same  stamp  with  Tom  Burnet,  son  of  Bishop 
Burnet,  being  asked  what  he  thought  of  the  fireworks  which  cele- 
brated the  Peace  of  Urecht  (a  peace  concluded  by  the  Tory  min- 
istry much  against  the  wishes  of  the  opposition),  "  I  think."  said 
he,  "they  were  a  burning  shame." 

Too  Tame  to  be  Borne. 

A  hasty,  passionate  fellow  was  supping  with  a  friend  who  never 
contradicted  him,  not  wishing  to  provoke  his  wrath. 

Unable  to  endure  this  acquiescence,  he  at  last  burst  out. 
"  Zounds  !  deny  something,  that  I  may  know  there  are  two  of  us. 

Perfection. 

A  celebrated  preacher  having  remarked  in  a  sermon  that  every 
thing  made  b.v  God  was  perfect,  "  What  think  you  of  me  ? '  said 


82  EVERYBODY  S  BOOK  OF 

a  deformea  man  in  a  pew  beneath,  who  arose  from  his  seat,  and 
pointed  at  his  own  back. 

"Think  of  you  ? ''  reiterated  the  preacher  ;  "  why,  that  you  are 
the  most  'perfect  hunchback  my  eyes  ever  beheld." 

Less  Gallant,  perhaps,  than  Accurate. 

In  some  parish  churches  it  was  once  the  custom  to  separate 
men  from  women.  A  clerg}Tnan.  being  interrupted  by  loud  talk- 
ing, stopped  short,  when  a  woman,  eager  for  the  honour  of  her 
sex  J  arose  and  said,  "  Your  reverence,  the  noise  is  not  among  us. '' 

"  So  much  the  better,"  answered  the  clergyman,  "  it  will  be  the 
sooner  over." 

A  Commission  Agent  as  a  Purchaser. 

Auctioneer — "  But,  I  say,  there  is  nobody  else  in  the  room  offer- 
ing a  bid  for  the  ancient  cabinet.  How  is  it  you  keep  on  bidding 
against  yourself  ?'' 

Broler — "Well,  you  see,  that  is  a  matter  of  business.  I  have 
got  a  commission  from  two  different  parties  to  buy  the  cabinet  at 
any  cost,  and  I  don't  know  yet  which  of  them  is  to  have  it.'' 

"  The  Very  Worst,"  Followed  hy  a  Still  Worse. 

A  dull  playwright,  about  to  read  one  of  his  compositions  in  the 
green-room  at  Drury  Lane,  observed  that  he  knew  nothing  so 
terrible  as  reading  a  piece  before  such  a  critical  audience. 

•*  1  know  one  thing  more  terrible,"  said  Mrs.  Powell. 

"  What  can  that  be  ? ''  asked  the  author. 

*■  To  be  obliged  to  sit  and  hear  it." 

Extinguishing  a  **  Spark." 

As  Lady  B L was  presiding  one  evening  at  the  tea-table, 

one  of  ber  ruffles  caught  the  flame  of  the  tea-lamp,  and  was  burned 
before  it  could  be  extinguished. 

Lord  M ,  who  was  of  the  party,  and  thought  to  be  witty  on 

the  accident,  remarked  that  he  "did  not  think  her  ladyship  so 
apt  to  take  fire.  ' 

"  Nor  am  1,  my  lord,"  replied  she,  with  great  readiness,  "  from 
such  sparks  as  you. " 

H.B.— P.S. 

During  a  heavy  shower  a  business  man,  caiTying  a  very  wet 
umbrella,  entered  an  hotel  to  pay  a  call  to  someone  upstairs. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  83 

After  placing  his  umbrella  to  drain,  he  wrote  upon  a  piece  of  paper, 
and  pinned  it  to  the  umbrella  :  *'  N.B. — This  umbrella  belongs  to 
a  man  who  strikes  a  two-hundred-and-fifty-pound  blow.  Back  in 
five  minutes." 

He  went  upstairs,  and  after  an  absence  of  fifteen  minutes 
returned,  to  find  his  umbrella  gone,  and  in  its  place  a  note  :  "/*.  5. 
— Umbrella  taken  by  a  man  who  walks  tefi  miles  an  hour.  Won't 
be  back  at  all." 

Shortening  Time  by  Distance. 

Sidney  Smith  had  a  maid  who  used  to  boil  eggs  very  well  by  her 
master's  watch  ;  but  one  day  he  could  not  lend  it  to  her  because  it 
was  under  repair,  so  she  took  the  time  from  the  kitchen-clock;  and 
the  eggs  came  up  quite  raw. 

"Why  didn't  you  take  the  three  minutes  from  the  clock  as  you 
do  from  the  watch,  Mary  ? " 

"Well,  sir,"  replied  Mary,  "I  thought  that  would  be  too 
much,  as  the  hands  are  so  much  larger." 

A  Gk>od  Shot. 

A  little  boy  being  asked  what  occupation  his  .ather  pursued  for 
a  living,  answered,  with  great  simplicity,  "  He  is  a  dreadful- 
accident  maker,  sir,  for  the  newspapers." 

Nathan  and  David. 

The  Rev.  Nathan  D ,  a  worthy  minister,  had  in  his  congre- 
gation a  wealthy  member  named  David,  who  he  thought  would  be 
a  suitable  match  for  his  daughter  ;  but  as  David  seemed  rather 
dilatory  in  coming  to  the  point,  the  minister  thought  he  would 
give  him  a  helping  hand.  Meeting  David  one  day  he  casually 
remarked  that  his  daughter  was  getting  married  soon.  Of  course 
David  eagerly  inquired  who  was  to  be  the  happy  man.  The  mini- 
ster told  him  to  be  at  the  church  on  Sabbath,  and  ho  would  then 
tell  him.  Imagine  David's  surprise  when  the  text  was  given  out, 
"  Nathan  said  unto  David,  thou  art  the  man." 

'*  A  Fellow-feeling  makes  us  Wondrous  Kind." 
Swell — "Had  no  breakfast  ?  " 
Sveeper — "  No,  sir  !  " 
Swell — "  Paw  beggaw  !  and  no  dinner  ?  " 
Sweeper — "  No,  sir ! " 


84  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Swell— '^  Paw  beggaw  !  " 

Sweeper — "  Got  e'er  a  copper,  yer  honour  ? " 

Swell—''  Naw  !  " 

Sweeper — "  Paw  beggaw  ! " 

Book-lore. 

Bookbinder — "  Oh,  your  master  wants  them  bound,  my  man, 
do  he  ?    Well,  are  they  to  be  done  in  Russia  or  Morocco  ? " 

Rustic — "Why,  stoopid,  dust  think  if  he'd  wanted  'em  done  in 
Roosia  that  I'd  ev  browt  'em  'ere  ? " 

The  Possibilities  of  CMldliood. 

Johnny  lost  his  knife.  After  searching  in  one  pocket  and 
another,  until  he  had  been  through  all  without  success,  he 
exclaimed  :  "  Oh,  dear  !  I  wish  I  had  another  pocket,  it  might  be 
in  that. " 

The  Infallibility  of  every  Child's  "  Papa." 

"  My  'pa  is  a  preacher,  an'  he  will  go  to  heaven." 

"  Yes,  an'  my  'pa  is  a  doctor,  an'  can  kill  your  old  'pa." 
Blindness  Somewhere ! 

"  Did  you  take  the  note,  and  did  you  see  Mr  Thompson, 
Jock?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  And  how  was  he? 

"  Why,  he  looked  pretty  well,  but  he's  very  blind." 

"  BUnd  !  what  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"Why,  while  I  wur  in  the  room  he  axed  me  wher'  my  hat  wur, 
and  I'm  blest  if  it  wum't  on  my  head  all  the  while  !  " 

"Wit"  and  the  "  Opposite." 

Dryden  and  Otway  lived  opposite  to  each  other  in  Queen 
Street.  Otway  coming  home  one  night  from  the  tavern,  chalked 
upon  Dryden's  door,  "  Here  lives  John  Dryden  ;  he  is  a  icit" 

Dryden  knew  the  hand-writing,  and,  next  da}*,  chalked  on 
Otway 's  dooi',  "  Here  lives  Tom  Otway  ;  he  is  opposite.''' 

Appropriate  Reproof  of  One  Accustomed  to  go  Mooning 

About. 
The  Duchess  of  Newcastle  who  wrote  many  plays  and  romances, 
in  the  most  extravagant  taste  of  the  reien  oi  Charles  II.,  asked 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXI)  HUMOUR.  85 

Bishop  Wilkins  how  she  could  get  up  to  the  world  he  had  dis- 
covered in  the  moon  ;  for,  as  the  way  must  needs  be  long,  a 
person  travelling  thither  would  require  to  have  some  resting- 
places  by  the  way. 

"Oh,  madam,"  said  the  bishop,  "your  grace  who  nas  Duilt  so 
many  castles  in  the  air  can  be  at  no  loss. " 

"What's  often  Thought,  hut  ne'er  so  well  Expressed.'' 

The  Rev.  Mr  Perkins  being  called  upon  suddenly  to  address  a 
Sunday  school,  thought  he  would  get  a  few  original  ideas  from 
his  young  hearers. 

"Children,"  said  he,  "I  want  some  of  you  to  tell  me  what  I 
shall  talk  to  you  about  to-night.     What  shall  I  say  ? " 

At  first  there  was  no  response. 

"  That  bright  little  fellow  over  there,"  said  he,  pointing  to  a 
youngster  on  one  of  the  back  seats, 

"  What  shall  I  say  to  you  to-night  ? " 

In  a  little  piping  voice  came  the  answer  :  "  Say  amen  and  sit 
down. " 

The  Bishop,  the  Boy,  and  the  Banbury  Cake. 

A  short  time  after  the  present  Bishop  of  Worcester  had  been 
appointed  to  that  See  he  had  occasion  to  travel  through  Banbury 
by  raiL  Being  desirous  to  test,  and  at  the  same  time  encourage 
the  far-famed  industry  of  the  town,  and  as  the  train  stopped  for  a 
short  time  in  the  station,  he  beckoned  to  a  boy,  and  inquired  the 
price  of  the  celebrated  cakes. 

"  Threepence  each,  sir,"  said  the  boy. 

Handing  him  sixpence,  the  bishop  desired  him  to  bring  one  to 
the  carriage,  adding,  "And  with  the  other  threepence  buy  one 
for  yourself." 

The  boy  shortly  returned,  complacently  munching  his  Banbury, 
and  handing  threepence  in  coppers  to  the  bishop,  exclaimed, 
"There  was  only  one  left,  gnv'nor  !  " 

Taken  "  Off-Duty." 

A  certain  exacting  lawyer  had  his  portrait  taken  in  his  favourite 
attitude — standing  with  his  hand  in  his  pocket.  His  friends  and 
clients  went  to  see  it,  and  everybody  exclaimed,  "  Oh,  how  like  ! 
It's  the  very  picture  of  him  !  " 

An  old  farmer,  however,  was  not  satisfied  with  it.     ' '  Don't  3'ou 


06  E VER YBOD Y'S  BOOK  OF 

see,"  said  he,  "  he  has  got  his  hand  in  his  own  pocket  ?    'Tvyould 
bo  as  like  ag'ain  if  he  had  it  in  somebody  else's  !  " 

A  CMld  Thrust. 

•'  You  never  saw  my  hands  as  dirty  as  that,"  said  a  mother, 
reproachfully,  to  her  little  eight-year-old  girl. 

' '  Cause  1  never  saw  you  when  you  was  a  little  girl, "  was  the 
I  rompt  answer. 

A  Snob  Wittily  Snubbed. 

At  a  railway  refreshment  room,  one  of  the  passengers  was  hun- 
gry and  in  a  hurry.  "  Please  pass  me  them  pertaters,  mister,"  he 
said,  addressing  an  elegant  gentleman  who  sat  next  him. 

The  latter  slowly  focussed  his  gold  eye-glass  on  the  speaker. 
"  Did  you  think  I  was  one  of  the  waiters  ? "  he  asked,  icily. 

The  others  held  their  knives  and  forks  suspended  in  mid-air, 
expecting  to  see  the  man  shrivel  up  ;  but  no  such  phenomenon 
took  place.     He  turned,  and  beckoned  to  the  nearest  waiter. 

*■  George,  come  here,  please." 

*  What  is  it,  sir  '{ ''  asked  George. 

"  I  want  to  apologise  to  you,  that  is  all.  You  see,  I  mistook  this 
party  here  for  you,  but  I  hope  you  won't  be  offended  at  it.  Now, 
pass  me  them  pertaters,  and  we'll  go  on  with  the  rest  of  the 
meal." 

A  well-prepared  "  Brief." 

•  Mr  Brief,'"  said  the  judge,  grimly,  "  it  seems  to  me  that  you 
we  wasting  time  ;  you  might  as  well  attempt  to  make  the  court 
believe  that  two  and  two  do  not  make  four. " 

Brief  settled  his  eye-glasses  a  little  more  firmly  on  his  nose, 
and  responded  blandly,  '*  May  it  please  your  lordship,  I  am  pre- 
pared to  do  that.     Two  and  two  make  twenty-two." 

The  shadow  of  a  smile  played  round  the  corner  of  the  judge's 
mouth  as  he  sat  back  in  his  chair  and  said,  ' '  You  can  proceed,  Mr 
Brief." 

A  Humcroua  "  Cabby." 

On  one- occasion  two  ladies  had  paid  a  cabman  a  shilling  for 
the  distance  they  had  ridden  with  one  fourpenny  bit,  two  three- 
penny pieces,  one  penny   and  two  halfpence  ;  when  cabby  looked 


EXGLISU   WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  87 

at  the  coins  and  asked,  "  Well,  how  long  mifrht  you  have  been 
saving  up  for  this  little  treat  ? " 

The  Domestic  Catecliisin. 

While  on  business  in  the  office  of  a  printing-house  the  other  day, 
a  thin,  tired-looking  man  entered,  and,  approaching  the  proprietor, 
said,  '*  I  want  to  have  a  list  printed.  Suppose  you  write  it 
down  as  I  tell  you." 

The  proprietor  made  ready,  and  the  man  said  :  '•'  Yes  ;  I'm 
sure  I  locked  the  front  door.     Have  yon  got  that  ? " 

"Yes  ;  but  I  don't  understand." 

• '  Never  mind  ;  don't  interrupt  me  till  I  have  finished.  Are 
you  ready  ? " 

"Yes." 

"  I  turned  out  the  light  in  the  bath  room." 

"All  right ;  I've  got  it." 

"The  kitchen  windows  are  fastened." 

"  Yes." 

" The  dog  is  in  the  cellar.'' 

"Yes." 

"  I  did  not  forget  to  put  ashes  on  the  fumace-fire." 

"Yes.' 

"  The  servants  are  all  in. ' 

'^Yes." 

"The  stable  door  is  locked." 

"Yes." 

"  No.  the  water  is  not  running  in  the  bath  room.' 

"Yes." 

"The  kitten  is  out-doors." 

"Yes." 

"  I  turned  off  the  draughts  of  the  range." 

"Yes." 

"  No,  I  do  not  smell  smoke." 

"Yes." 

"  I  do  not  think  I  hear  anyone  trying  to  get  into  the  house.' 

"  Yes." 


88  E VER Y BODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"  No,  that  is  not  our  dog  barking,  it's  the  one  next  door." 

"Yes." 

'*  It's  not  necessary  to  go  down  and  see  if  the  cellar-door  is 
fastened  ;  I  know  it  is. " 

"Yes." 

"That  is  nobody  ;  only  the  wind  rattling  the  shutters." 

"Yes." 

"  Well,  I  think  that's  about  all.  You  see,  mj-  wife  asks  me  those 
questions  every  night  just  as  I  am  getting  into  bed,  and  if  I  had 
a  printed  list  I  could  show  to  her  it  would  save  lots  of  trouble,  and 
besides  that,  it  injures  my  lungs  to  answer  them.  Have  the  list 
printed  as  soon  as  possible,  please. " 

Make  it  Look  as  Well  as  Possible. 

A  lady  was  once  lamenting  the  ill-luck  which  attended  her 
affairs,  when  a  friend,  wishing  to  console  her,  bade  her  "  look 
upon  the  bright  side." 

" Oh,"  she  cried,  "there  seems  to  be  no  bright  side." 

"Then  polish  up  the  dark  side  !  "  was  the  reply. 
A  Second  St.  Paul— in  Some  TMngs. 

A  gentleman  interceded  with  his  bishop  for  a  clergyman,  who 
was  in  debt,  and  who  had  on  more  than  one  occasion  been 
imprisoned  at  the  instance  of  his  creditors.  He  urged  t,  the 
abilities  of  his  friend,  which,  notwithstanding  his  delinquencies, 
were  of  no  small  order. 

"He  is,  in  fact,  my  lord,  really  and  truly  a  St  Paul." 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  bishop,  sarcastically  ;  "  in  prisons  oft." 
Mr  Spurg'eon  on  Modem  Bonnets. 

Mr  Spurgeon  was  once  asked  to  lash  the  prevailing  folly,  the 
invisible  bonnet.  This  he  did  in  the  following  words:  "I  have 
been  requested  to  rebuke  the  bonnets  of  the  day."  All  faces 
were  immediately  upturned,  and,  scanning  the  ladies  of  the  con- 
gregation, he  added  :  "  Really  I  see  none  !  "  A  more  bitter  rebuke 
any  other  words  could  not  have  conveyed. 

A  Skeleton  Account  Collector. 
A  doctor's  servant-man  came  to  announce  a  patient  who  was 
unfavoiorably  known  as  a  wealthy  skinflint,  insolent,  and  over- 
bearing  withal,   and    a    notoriously    bad    payer.      The    doctor 
ordered  the  patient  to  be  shown  in,  and  offered  him  a  chair  in 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  85 

such  a  position  as  to  be  in  full  view  of  a  skeleton  standing  in  one 
corner  of  the  room. 

*' Ah  !  "  exclaimed  the  patient,  somewhat  scai-ed,  "a  skeleton!  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  it  is  that  of  one  of  my  deceased 
patients.  He  never  would  pay  his  fees,  and  so  I  was  compelled 
to  sue  the  relatives  for  his  bones." 

' '  I  will  slip  in  again  presently  !  good  morning,  doctor  I  '  and 
the  patient  hastily  retired. 

Next  morning  the  doctor  received  payment  in  full  of  his  long- 
standing  account. 

Taking  Care  of  the  Wrong  Key. 

"  Joseph,"  said  the  merchant  to  the  bright  young  man  with  the 
best  references,  ' '  the  book-keeper  tells  me  that  you  have  lost  tho 
key  of  the  safe,  and  he  cannot  get  at  the  books." 

"Yes,  sir,  one  of  them.     You  gave  me  two,  you  remember.'' 

"Yes,  I  had  duplicates  made  in  case  of  accident.  And  the 
other  ? " 

"  Oh,  sir,  1  took  care  of  that.  I  was  afraid  I  might  lose  one 
of  them,  you  know." 

"  And  is  the  other  all  right  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir.  I  put  it  where  there  was  no  danger  of  its  being  lost. 
It  is  in  the  safe,  sir." 

Non- Convertible  Terms. 

A  well-known  divine  rebuked  an  ignorant  preacher  for  exercis- 
ing his  oratorical  gift.  In  defence  the  man  said  :  "  We  are 
commanded  to  preach  the  Gospel  to  every  critter." 

"Yes,"  replied  the  divine,  "  but  every  critter  is  not  commanded 
to  preach  the  Gospel." 

Hard  on  the  Donkey. 

A  commercial  traveller  who  occupied  the  same  railway  carriage 
with  a  clergyman,  asked  him  if  he  had  ever  heard  that  in  Paris  as 
often  as  a  priest  was  hanged  a  donkey  was  hanged  at  the  same 
time.  The  victim  of  the  joke  replied  in  his  blandest  manner  : 
"  Well,  then,  let  us  both  be  thankfiil  that  we  are  not  in  Paris." 

An  Answer  by  Return. 
Counsel — "  How  do  you  identify  this  handkerchief  ? ' 
Witness — •'  By  its  general  appearance,  and  the  fact  that  I  have 
others  like  it." 


90  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  or 

Counsel — "That's  no  proof,  for  I  have  got  one  just  like  it  in 
my  pocket." 

Witness — "  I  don't  doubt  that,  as  I  had  more  than  one  of  the 
same  sort  stolen." 

Diplomacy — or,  Silence  in  View  of  Possible  Prefermont. 

Sir  Robert  Walpole  once  wanting  to  carry  a  question  in  the 
House  of  Lords,  and  not  being  quite  sure  of  some  of  the  bishops, 
prevailed  upon  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury  to  stay  at  home  for 
two  or  three  days  ;  in  the  meantime  Sir  Robert  circulated  a  report 
that  his  Grace  was  dangerously  iU.  On  the  day  of  meeting  the 
House  was  remarkably  crowded  with  lawn  sleeves,  not  one  of  whom 
voted  against  the  minister. 

Ore  New  Leaf  Quite  Enough  for  One  Turn. 

Negligence  in  reading  sometimes  produces  whimsical  coincid- 
ences. An  old  Joe  Miller  records  the  story  of  a  clergyman,  who, 
reading  to  his  congregation  a  chapter  in  Genesi?,  found  the  last 
sentence  in  the  page  to  be,  "  And  the  Lord  gave  unto  Adam  a 
\vife,  and  she " — turning  over  two  leaves  together,  he  found 
written,  and  read  it  in  an  audible  voice — "  was  pitched  within  and 
v-ithoutJ"  He  had  unhappily  got  into  the  middle  of  a  description 
of  Noah's  ark. 

A  Thorny  Subject. 

When  Milton  was  blind  he  married  a  shrew.  The  Duke  of 
Buckingham  called  her  a  rose.  "  I  am  no  judge  of  coloure," 
replied  Milton,  "and  it  may  be  so,  for  I  feel  the  thorns  daily." 

Haxd  on  "The  Bench." 

A  counsellor  was  one  day  asked  by  the  judge,  why  he,  as  a  man 
of  talents  and  integrity,  was  always  employed  in  knavish  causes, 
'  •  Why,  I  have  been  so  much  in  the  habit  of  losing  good  causes 
that  I  think  I  had  better  undertake  bad  ones." 

Attending  to  Each  Other's  Faults. 
A  Quaker  coming  to  town  with  his  team  was  laid  hold  of,  and 
taken  before  a  justice,  for  riding  upon  the  sliafts  of  his  cart,  and 
tined  forty  shillings.  The  Quaker,  without  hesitation,  threw  down 
two  guineas,  when  the  Justice  offered  him  two  shillings  change. 
'  Ay,"  says  the  Quaker,  "  but  thou  hast  been  at  so  much  trouble, 
thee  mayest  keep  the  two  shillings  to  thyself  ;  only  thou  write  it 
down  on  a  bit  of  paper  for  my  satisfaction  ;"  which  the  Justice 


ENGLISH   WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  91 

accordingly  did,  and  gave  a  receipt  for  two  guineas,  but  not  upon 
stamped  paper.  The  Quaker  immediately  went  to  a  neighbouring 
Justice,  showed  him  the  receipt,  told  him  he  had  just  taken  it, 
and  asked  if  it  was  according  to  law?  "No,'  said  the  Justice, 
*'  It  should  have  been  stamped."  On  this  the  Justice  who  levied 
the  fine,  was  brought  before  the  quorum,  and  fined  in  the  penalty 
of  five  pounds. 

Childisli  Wit  and  Wisdom. 
It  was  a  good  thought  of  a  little  girl  who  was  at  dinner  among 
a  large  party  (fearing  she  had  been  forgotten  to  be  helped)  to 
crumble  some  bread  upon  her  plate,  saying  at  the  same  time  to  a 
boiled  chicken  near  her,  "  Come,  Biddy,  come.' 

Public  School  Equity. 

A  gentleman,  resident  *t  Harrow,  made  frequent  complaints  to 
the  masters  of  the  great  school  there,  of  his  garden  being  strippeil 
of  its  fruit,  even  before  it  became  ripe — but  to  no  purpose. 

Tired  of  applying  to  tho  masters  for  redress,  he  at  length 
appealed  to  the  boys,  and,  sending  for  one  to  his  house,  he  said, 
"Now,  my  good  fellow,  I'll  make  this  agreement  with  you  and 
your  companions  :  let  the  fruit  remain  on  the  trees  till  it  becomes 
ripe,  and  I  promise  to  give  you  half. " 

The  boy  coolly  replied,  1  can  say  nothing  to  the  proposition, 
sir,  myself,  but  will  make  it  known  to  the  rest  of  the  boys,  and 
inform  you  of  their  decision  to  morrow." 

Next  day  came,  and  brought  with  it  this  reply  :  "  The  gentle- 
men of  Harrow  cannot  agree  to  receive  so  unequal  a  share,  since 
Jlr  is  an  individual,  and  we  are  many." 

Dining  Late. 
Some  one  remarking  that  tbe  dinner-hour  was  always  getting 
later  and  later,  "  Ay,"  quoth  Sam  Rogers,  "it  will  soon  end  in 
oar  not  dining  till  to-morrow." 

His  Own — with  Usury. 

A  comet  of  hussars,  who  was  not  the  most  polished  in  his 
manners,  having  joined  his  regiment,  was  asked  by  his  colonel 
what  his  father  was. 

'•  A  farmer,  '  said  the  cornet. 

•  Pity  your  father  did  not  make  you  follow  his  trade," 

•  Pray,  sir,"  asked  the  cornet,  "what  is  your  father  i  " 


92  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"A  gentleman,  sir." 

''Pity  he  did  not  make  you  one,"  replied  the  comet. 

The  Archbishop  and  the  Archdeacon. 

Poem  alleged  by  the  author  to  have  been  composed  by  the  Archbishop  of 
Canterbury  on  the  day  his  Grace  "  deprived  "  Mr  Denison. 

Transubstantiation  is  vexation, 

Consubstantiation  is  as  bad  ; 

Archdeacon  D.  doth  trouble  me. 

And  I  rather  think  he's  mad.— J.  B.  Cantuar  [1]. 

The  Strength  of  Political  Bias. 

A  grand  success  rewarded  the  ingenious  device  of  a  physician, 
haWng  to  deal  with  a  very  obstinate  patient,  whose  weak  point, 
or  strong  point,  was  his  implacable  Torj'ism.  The  patient  was  a 
West  of  England  bishop.  He  was  very  ill,  and  to  expedite 
recovery,  his  phy^sician  prescribed  small  doses  of  brandy,  to  be 
taken  at  regular  intervals. 

Now  the  prelate  hated  brandy,  and  declared  he  would  have 
none  of  it.  In  vain  did  the  physician  insist  upon  the  duty  he 
owed  to  his  diocese,  his  wife,  and  his  family  ;  and  when  he  sug- 
gested that  his  lordship  had  better  make  arrangements  for  his 
departure  from  this  world,  as  without  brandy  he  must  die,  the 
bishop  calmly  answered  that  he  was  prepared  to  die,  but  he 
would  not  touch  the  brandy. 

Walking  up  to  the  head  of  the  bed,  the  doctor  bent  over  the 
refractory  man,  and  whispered  in  his  ear  :  "Need  I  remind  you 
that  Russell  is  in  office,  and  a  Whig  will  be  your  successor  to  the 
bishopric  ! " 

"  Fetch  the  brandy,  doctor!"  cried  the  bishop;  "I'll  drink  a 
quart  if  necessary  !  " 

The  ruse  succeeded. 

Two  Negatives  Imply  an  AfBrmation. 

Dr  Wayland  had  a  boy  about  six  years  old,  who  was  anything 
but  a  fool.  The  doctor  placed  him  under  the  care  of  one  of  the 
btudents,  with  the  charge  that  he  should  not  go  out  without  per- 
mission from  his  tutor. 

•'  May  I  go  out  ? "  at  length  enquired  our  hero. 

*'  No,''  was  the  laconic  reply. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  93 

A  few  minutes'  pause  followed.  "  May  1  go  out  ?  "  again  en- 
quired the  boy. 

"  No,"  was  again  the  response. 

The  miniature  edition  of  the  dodtor  slowly  rose  from  his  seat, 
took  up  his  cap,  and  pushed  for  the  door. 

"  Stop  !  "  said  the  tutor.     '*  Do  you  know  what  '  no '  means  ?  ' 

"  Yes,"  said  Charlie  ;  "  it  is  a  particle  of  negation,  and  two  of 
them  coming  together  are  equivalent  to  an  afiBrmation. " 

His  wit  was  his  passport. 

"  Where  axe  We  ? 

"  What  would  our  wives  say  if  they  knew  where  we  are  ? "  said 
the  captain  of  a  schooner  when  they  were  beating  about  in  a  fog, 
fearful  of  going  ashore. 

"  Humph  !  I  shouldn't  mind  that,"  replied  the  mate,  "  if  we  only 
knew  where  we  were  ourselves. " 

Destructive  Criticism. 

An  instance  of  astonishing  quickness  is  related  of  the  witty 
Duke  of  Buckingham.  Being  present  at  the  first  representatictti 
of  one  of  Dryden's  pieces  of  heroic  nonsense,  where  a  lover  says, 
"  My  wound  is  great  because  it  is  so  small  I "  the  Duke  cried  out, 
"Then 'twould  be  greater,  were  it  none  at  all."  The  play  was 
instantly  ruined. 

The  Letter  H. 
Rowland  Hill,  when  at  college,  was  remarkable  for  his  wit.  In 
a  conversation  on  the  powers  of  the  letter  H,  in  which  it  was  con- 
tended that  it  was  no  letter,  but  a  simple  aspiration  of  breathing, 
Rowland  took  the  opposite  side  of  the  question,  insisted  on  its 
being  to  all  intents  and  purposes  a  letter,  and  concluded  by  ob- 
serving that  if  it  were  not,  it  was  a  very  serious  affair  to  him,  as 
it  would  occasion  his  being  '^ill  "  all  the  days  of  his  life. 

"  Change  "  and  "  Rest." 

The  man  who  went  to  the  country  for  rest  and  change  of  air, 
says  the  waiters  get  the  change,  at  least  the  most  of  it,  and  the 
landlord  the  rest. 

The  Power  of  Emphasis. 

A  poor  woman  of  Shore  ham,  whose  husband  was  going  to  sea, 
handed,   through  the  clerk,  to  the  parson,  this  public  prayer ; 


94  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"A  man  going  to  sea,  his  wife  desires  the  prayers  of  the  con- 
gregation. " 

The  parson,  pointing  it  in  his  own  way,  read  to  the  ears  of  the 
flock  :  "A  man  going  to  see  his  wife,  desires  the  prayers  of  the 
congregation. " 

An  elderly  gentleman  being  ill,  one  of  his  friends  sent  a  messen- 
ger with  the  usual  inquiry,  which,  however,  he  had  not  pronounced 
with  due  emphasis — "  I'll  thank  you  to  take  my  comphments,  and 
ask  Ao?r  old  Mr  W.  is  ? "  The  messenger  departed  on  his  errand, 
and  speedily  returned,  saying,  "  He's  just  sixty -eight,  sir  !  " 

How  to  Treat  the  Hands. 

One  of  our  brilliant  college  youths  was  heard  lately  complaining 
in  the  presence  of  the  family  about  how  difficult  he  found  it  to 
behave,  when  in  society,  with  as  much  ease  and  gracefulness  as  he 
could  wish. 

"  Why,"  he  said  at  last,  with  a  look  of  the  utmost  self-humilia- 
tion on  his  face,  "if  you'll  believe  me,  I  get  so  at  times  that  I 
don't  know  what  to  do  with  my  hands." 

Then  the  youngest  member  of  the  family,  who  cared  little  for 
society  and  less  for  his  elders,  brought  down  the  house  by  remark- 
ing heartlessly  :  "Why  don't  you  wash  them  ? " 

A  Witty  Dean  Checkmated. 

A  friend  of  Dean  Swift  one  day  sent  him  a  turbot  as  a  present, 
by  a  sei-vant-lad,  who  bad  freijuently  been  on  similar  errands,  but 
had  never  received  anything  from  the  dean.  He  opened  the 
study  door,  and  putting  the  fish  on  the  floor,  cried  out  rudely : 
"  My  master  has  sent  you  a  turbot." 

"  Young  man,"  said  the  dean,  "is  that  the  way  you  deliver  a 
message  ?  Let  me  teach  you  better  manners.  Sit  down  in  my 
chair.  We  will  change  places,  and  I  will  show  you  how  to  behave 
in  future." 

The  boy  sat  down,  and  the  dean  going  out,  came  to  the  door, 
and,  making  a  low  bow,  said  : 

'*  Sir,  my  master  sends  you  his  kind  compliments,  and  hopes  you 
are  well,  and  requests  your  acceptance  of  a  small  present. " 

"Indeed  ! '"  replied  the  boy.  "  Return  him  my  best  thanks  ; 
and  there  is  half-a-crown  for  yourself." 

The  dean,  thus  caught  in  his  own  trap,  laughed  heartily,  and 
gave  the  boy  a  crown  for  his  ready  wit. 


EXGL18H  WIT  AND  RUMOUR.  &5 

A  carefully-trained  Witness. 

A  boy  about  twelve  years  old  was  an  important  witness  in  i» 
lawsviit.     One  of  the  lawyers,  after  cross -questioning  him  severely, 
said  :  "  Your  father  has  been  talking  to  you  and  telling  you  how 
to  testify,  hasn't  he  T' 
■  Yes,"  said  the  boy. 

'  Now,"  said  the  lawyer,  ' '  just  tell  us  how  your  father  told  you 
to  testify." 

"Well,"  said  the  boy,  modestly,  "father  told  me  that  the 
lawyers  would  try  and  entangle  me  in  my  testimony,  but  if  I 
would  just  be  careful  and  tell  the  truth  1  could  teil  the  same 
thing  every  time. 

Skin  and  Bone  versus  Flesh  and  Blood. 

At  the  time  when  the  price  of  corn  was  very  high,  Dr  Byrom,  of 
Manchester,  wrote  the  following  epigram   on   two   millers,    who 
were  said  to  have  combined  to  raise  the  price  still  higher  : — 
"Bone  and  Skin, 
Two  millers  thin, 
Would  starve  the  town,  or  near  it ; 
But  be  it  known 
To  Skin  and  Bone, 
That  flesh  and  blood  won't  bear  it." 

Cobbett  and  the  Goose. 

W^hen  Cobbett  kept  a  stationer's  shop  at  Philadelphia,  and  was 
writing  under  the  name  of  "  Peter  Porcupine,"  a  young  sub  went 
to  buy  some  quills,  and  thinking  to  pass  a  joke  upon  Peter,  asked 
him  if  they  were  not  Porcupines  quills.  Upon  which  Cobbett 
taking  up  the  red  coat's  money,  drily  replied,  making  at  the 
same  time  a  very  profound  bow,  '■'■  Oh,  no,  sir  !  they  are  a  gooses.^' 

No  "  Manners  "  to  Spare. 

'•You  had  better  ask  for  manners  than  money,"  said  a  finely- 
dressed  gentleman  to  a  beggar  who  asked  for  alms. 

•'  i  asked  for  what  1  thought  you  had  the  most  of,"  was  the 
cutting  reply. 

Filial  Solicitude  and  Long  Life. 

The  evening  before  a  battle,  an  officer  asked  Marshal  Toiras  tor 
permission  to  go  and  see  his  father,  who  was  at  the  pomt  ot  death. 


96  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

**Go,"  said  the  Marshal,  who  saw  through  his  pretext ;  "hon- 
onr  thy  father  and  mother,  that  thy  days  may  be  long  in  the 
land." 

The  Fly  Declining  the  Spider's  Invitation. 

A  recruiting  sergeant,  addressing  an  honest  country  bumpkin 
in  one  of  the  streets  of  Manchester,  with  "  Come,  my  lad,  thou'lt 
fight  for  thy  king,  won't  thou  1 " 

"  Voight  for  my  king  !  "  answered  Hodge,  "  why,  has  hefatni 
cut  wi'  ony  body  ?  " 

"  Playing  t^e  Fool." 

A  lady  beating  time  on  a  table,  as  destitute  of  harmony  as  tune, 
asked  another  if  she  knew  what  she  played.  "I  do,"  answered 
she  ;  "  you  are  playing  the  fool." 

The  Inflexibility  of  "Habit "—both  in  Name  and  Nature. 

"  Habit  '  is  hard  to  overcome.  If  you  take  off  the  first  letter 
it  does  not  change  "a  bit."  If  you  take  off  another  you  still  have 
a  "bit ''  left.  If  you  take  off  still  another  the  whole  of  "  it  "  re- 
mains. If  you  take  another,  it  is  not  totally  used  up.  All  of 
which  shows  that  if  you  wish  to  get  rid  of  "habit,"  you  must 
throw  it  off  altogether. 

A  Child's  Definition  of  Happiness. 

A  little  girl  in  Norwich  gave  this  pretty  definition  of  the  word 
happy  :  "To  feel  as  if  you  wanted  to  give  all  your  things  to  yotu' 
little  sister." 

No  Escaping  the  Collection  on  that  Occasion. 

On  one  occasion  Rowland  Hill  was  preaching  for  a  public  charity, 
when  a  note  was  handed  to  him  enquiring  if  it  would  be  right  for 
a  bankrupt  to  contribute.  He  noticed  the  matter  in  the  course  of 
his  sermon,  and  pronounced  decidedly  that  such  a  person  could 
not  do  so  in  Christian  honesty.  "  But,  my  friends,"  he  added, 
■ '  I  would  advise  you  who  are  not  insolvent  not  to  pass  the  plate 
this  evening,  as  the  people  will  be  sure  to  say,  '  There  goes  the 
bankrupt  ! ' ' 

A  Woman  s  reason  for  Preferring  Extempore  Preaching. 

An  English  clergyman  asked  an  uneducated  woman  whether  she 
liked  his  written  or  unwritten  sermons  the  best.    After  thinking  a 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  97 

few  moments,  she  said  :  '*  Why,  I  loike  yo'  the  best  without  the 
book,  because  yo'  keep  saying  the  same  thing  over  and  ovei*  again, 
and  that  helps  me  to  remember  what  I  hear  a  good  deal  better." 

Up  and  "Doing." 

The  father  of  a  young  man  who  devotes  more  attention  to 
gaming,  horse-racing,  &c.,  than  to  business,  was  met  by  a  friend, 
who  asked  him  what  his  son  Jack  was  doing  now, 

*'  Doing,  sir  ?  "  said  the  papa—"  doing  his  father,  as  usual." 

A  Lesson  to  Clients. 

Two  lawyers,  when  a  knotty  case  was  o'er, 
Shook  hands,  although  they  wrangled  hard  before  ; 
" Zounds  !  "  said  the  client  who  was  cast,  "pray,  how 
Can  you  be  friends,  that  were  such  foes  just  now  ? " 
"  You  fool,"  says  one,  "we  lawyers,  though  so  keen, 
Like  shears,  ne'er  cut  ourselves — but  what's  between." 

A  Good  Conundrum. 

Chelmsford  was  once  considered  to  be  decidedly  the  woi-st 
theatrical  town  in  England.  Keeley  was  fortunate  enough  to  go 
thither  as  a  star.  The  first  night  he  acted  to  a  select  few,  the 
second  night  the  numbers  were  scantier  than  before,  and  on  the 
third  and  last  night  the  auditors  were  few  and  far  between. 
The  last  piece  was  "The  Hundred  Pound  Note,"  in  which  Keeley 
played  the  conundrum-making  Billy  Black.  In  the  last  scene 
he  advanced  to  the  lights  and  said,  "  I've  one  more,  and  this  is  a 
good  'un  :  '  Why  is  the  Chelmsford  theatre  like  a  half-moon .- ' 
D'ye  give  it  up  ?     '  Because  it  is  never  full.'  " 

Patriarchal  Longevity  accounted  for. 

A  certain  young  clergyman,  modest  almost  to  bashfulness,  was 
once  asked  by  a  country  apothecary  of  a  contrary  character,  in  a 
public  and  crowded  assembly,  and  in  a  tone  of  voice  to  catch  the 
attention  of  the  whole  company,  "  How  it  happened  that  the 
patriarchs  lived  to  such  an  extreme  old  age  ]  "  To  which  imper- 
tinent question  he  immediately  replied,  "Perhaps  they  took  no 
physic. " 

Mouern  Commercial  Penalties. 

Talking  about  busy  men  who  leave  their  homes  early  and  get 
back  after  dark,  and  never  see  their  children  ;  a  man  of  that  sort 
was  hurrA'ing  away  one  morning  when  he  found  that   his  little 
D 


98  EVER  YBOD  1".S'  BOOK  OF 

boy  had  got  up  before  him,  and  was  playing  on  the  side-walk. 
He  told  the  child  to  go  in.  The  child  wouldn't,  and  the  man 
spanked  him,  and  went  to  business.  The  child  went  in 
howling. 

The  mother  said,  "  What's  the  matter?  " 

"  Man  hit  me,"  blubbered  the  youngster. 

"Whatman?" 

"That  man  that  stays  here  Sundays." 

An  Accommodating  Exciseman. 

Early  in  the  nineteenth  century  a  countryman  was  stopped  by 
a  revenue-officer,  who  took  from  him  two  casks  of  spirits,  and, 
carrying  the  same  to  the  next  town — a  distance  of  fifteen  miles 
— was  desired  by  the  countryman  to  stop  and  leave  it  at  the  first 
public-house. 

The  officer rephed  :  "No;  I  have  seized  it,  and  it  must  go  to 
the  excise  office." 

"Not  so,  master,"  said  the  countryman  ;  "  I  have  a  little  bit 
of  paper  here,  which,  if  you'll  take  the  trouble  of  reading,  will 
convince  you  I  am  rischt." 

The  officer,  reading  his  bit  of  paper,  exclaimed:  "  Why,  you 
rogue,  this  is  a  peraiit.     Why  did  you  not  show  me  this  sooner  ? " 

"  Because,"  said  he,  "  if  I  had,  you  would  not  have  carried  the 
liquor  so  far  for  rae. " 

"Without  Knowledge  or  Understanding." 

"Doctor,"  said  a  person  once  to  a  surgeon,  "my  daughter  has 
had  a  terrible  fit  this  morning  ;  she  continued  full  half-an-hour 
without  knowledge  or  understanding." 

"Oh,"  replied  the  doctor,  "never  mind  -^mt,  many  people 
continue  so  all  their  lives. " 

The  Gallant  Butcher. 

In  a  countr\-  market,  a  lad}-,  laying  her  hand  on  a  joint  of  veal, 

said,  "  I  think,  Mr ,  this  veal  is  not  quite  so  white  as  usual." 

"  Put  on  your  glove,  madam,"  replied  the  dealer,  ''and  you  will 
think  differently."  The  veal  was  ordered  home  without  another 
word  of  objection. 

Not  "  For  Ever  !  " 

When  Mr  Wilberforce  was  a  candidate  for  Hull,  his  sister,  an 
amiable  and  witty  young  lady,  offered  the  compliment  of  a  new 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  99 

gown  to  each  of  the  wives  of  those  freemen  who  voted  for  her 
brother — on  which  she  was  saluted  with  a  cry  of  ' '  Miss  Wilberf orce 
for  ever  /" — when  she  pleasantly  observed,  "  I  thank  you,  gentle- 
men ;  but  I  cannot  agree  with  you — for,  really,  I  do  not  wish  to  be 
Miss  Wilherforce  for  ever  !" 

Lamb  and  Coleridge. 

"Charles,"  said  Coleridge  one  day  to  Lamb,  "did  you  ever 
hear  me  preach  i " 

"  I  never  heard  you  do  anything  else,"  said  Lamb. 
Necessary  Evils. 

A  gentleman  was  in  the  habit  of  calling  his  servants,  before  their 
faces,  "Necessarj'  evils."  He  quarrelled  with  one  of  them,  who 
left  him  in  a  rage,  said  he  was  sick  of  service,  and  vowed  that  he 
would  never  enter  it  again.  A  few  days  after,  his  old  master, 
meeting  him  in  livery,  said,  "  Poh  !  you  are  gone  into  service  after 
all !  "     "Ah,  sir,  I  have  found  that  masters  are  necessary  evils." 

Not  Deaf  Enough  to  go  to  Concerts. 
Lord  North,  who  had  a  great  antipathy  to  music,  being  asked 
why  he  did  not  subscribe  to  the  Ancient  Concerts,  and  it  being 
urged  as  a  i-eason  for  it  that  his  brother,  the  Bishop  of  "Win- 
chester, did.  "  Ay,"  replied  his  lordship,  "  if  I  were  as  deaf  as  my 
brother,  I  would  subscribe  too. " 

One  Thankful— the  other  Glad. 

When  Dr  Johnson  had  completed  his  Dictionary,  which  had 
quite  exhausted  the  patience  of  Mr  Andrew  Miller,  his  bookseller, 
the  latter  acknowledged  the  receipt  of  the  last  sheet  in  the  follow- 
ing note  :  "Andrew  Miller  sends  his  compliments  to  Mr  Samuel 
Johnson,  with  the  money  for  the  last  sheet  of  the  copy  of  the 
Dictionary,  and  thanks  God  he  has  done  with  him." 

To  this  rude  note  the  Doctor  returned  the  following  smart 
answer  :  "  Samuel  Johnson  returas  his  compliments  to  ilr  Andrew 
Miller,  and  is  very  glad  to  find  (as  he  does  by  his  note)  that 
Andrew  Miller  has  the  grace  to  thank  God  for  anything." 

Silencing  a  Scoffer. 
Mr   Rees.   a  well-known    preacher,   was  once  accosted  by  a 
would-be  wag,  and  questioned  as  follows  :  * '  Do  you  believe  the 
Bible  what  it  says  about  the  prodigal  son  and  the  fatted  calf  ?  " 
"Certainly  I  do  " 

d2 


100  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"  Well,  can  you  tell  me  whether  the  calf  that  was  killed  was  a 
male  or  female  calf  ? " 

"  Yes,  it  was  a  female  calf." 

"  How  do  you  know  that  ?  " 

"  Because,"  said  Rees,  looking  the  man  in  the  face,  "  I  see  the 
male  is  alive  now," 

A  Well-timed  "Grace." 

Dr  Pease,  Dean  of  Ely,  was  once  at  dinner,  when  just  as  the 
cloth  was  removed,  the  subject  of  discourse  happened  to  be  that 
of  extraordinary  mortality  among  lawyers. 

"We  have  lost,"  said  a  gentleman,  "not  less  than  six  eminent 
barristers  in  as  many  months." 

The  Dean,  who  was  very  deaf,  rose  as  his  friend  finished  his 
remarks,  and  gave  the  company  grace  :  '*  For  this,  and  every 
other  mercy,  make  us  truly  thankful." 

Proclaiming  his  Ignorance. 
Judge — "  Your  Christian  name  and  surname  ?  " 
Prisoner  {taJcen  np  for  rograncy) — "  Ah,  anybody  can  see  you  are 
new  to  the  place.     All  your  predecessors  know  me  well  enough." 

Burning  his  Idol. 

An  eminent  divine  was  both  a  great  wag  and  a  great  smoker. 
"  Ha,  there  you  are, "  cried  a  lady,  who  surprised  him  one  day 
with  a  pipe  in  his  mouth,  "  at  your  idol  again  ! " 
"Yes,  madam,"  replied  he,  coolly,  "burning  it." 

A  Clever  Juror. 

A  juror  having  applied  to  the  judge  to  be  excused  from  serving 
on  account  of  deafness,  the  judge  said  :  "  Could  you  hear  my 
charge  to  the  jury,  sir  ?  "  "  Yes,  I  heard  your  honour's  charge," 
said  the  juror  ;  "but  I  couldn't  make  any  sense  out  of  it."  He 
was  excused 

Grantmg  his  Request. 

"  Who's  tnere  ? "  said  Jenkins,  one  cold  winter  night,  disturbed 
in  his  repose  by  some  one  knocking  at  the  street  door. 

"  A  friend,"  was  the  answer. 

"  \Vhat  do  you  want  ?  " 

"  Want  to  stav  here  all  night.' 


ENGLISH  WlT  AXD  HUMOUK  101 

'*  Queer  taste,  ain't  it  ?  But  stay  there  by  all  means,"  was  the 
benevolent  answer. 

Lamb  and  Mince  ''  Sauce." 

Charles  Lamb  remarked  of  one  of  his  critics:  "The  more  I 
think  of  him,  the  less  I  think  of  him." 

A  Dead  Letter. 

A  good  story  is  told  answering  the  late  Rev.  W.  Barnes,  the 
Dorsetshire  poet,  which  will  interest  spelling  reformers.  One  day 
he  went  into  a  village  school  where  a  Uttle  boy  and  girl  were 
sitting  together.  The  girl  was  crying,  and  when  he  asked  the 
reason,  she  said  that  Johnny  had  had  the  word  * '  psalm  "  to  write 
in  his  copy-book,  "and,"  she  said,  with  a  fresh  burst  of  tears, 
"  he  ha'  scope  out  the  *  p '  with  his  elbow  !  "  Then  Johnny  fired 
up,  and  said  :  "  What  if  "l  did  scope  of  en  out  ?  He  didn't  spell 
naught,  and  what  was  the  good  of  en  ? " 

The  Dean  and  the  Lunatic. 

Dean  Stanley  had  great  respect  for  presence  of  mind,  and  used 
with  great  delight  to  tell  a  story  of  presence  of  mind  by  which  he 
had  liberated  himself  from  a  dangerous  visitor.  Since  he  was 
willing  to  see  almost  any  one  who  asked  for  him,  he  once  told  his 
servant  to  usher  into  his  study  a  gentleman  who  bad  called,  and 
who  happened  to  bear  a  name  which  was  familiar  to  him. 

When  the  gentleman  appeared,  he  proved  to  be  an  entire 
stranger.  It  was  evident  there  had  been  sbme  mistake.  This 
became  still  more  evident,  when,  advancing  with  an  air  of  great 
excitement,  the  gentleman  exclaimed  :  "  Sir,  I  have  a  message  to 
the  Queen  from  the  Most  High.  I  beg  thart  you  will  deliver  it 
instantly. " 

"In  that  case,"  said  the  dean,  taking  up  his  hat,  "there  is  not 
a  moment  to  be  lost.  Let  us  go  at  once."  They  went  downstairs 
into  the  hall,  and,  opening  the  door,  the  dean  requested  his 
visitor  to  step  out.  No  sooner  had  he  done  so  than  the  dean  shut 
the  door  behind  the  lunatic. 

A  Cutting  Answer. 

A  well-known  clergyman  was  busily  searching  in  the  Minster 
Library,  at  York,  on  one  occasion,  when  two  young  oflBcers  of  the 
garrison  lounged  in.  Mistaking  him  for  the  verger,  they  said» 
"  Well,  old  man,  what  have  you  got  to  show  us  ?  " 


102      .  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"  Sir,"  replied  the  clergyman,  "  to  gentlemen  we  show  the 
library  ;  to  others,  the  door." 

Quoting  the  Fathers. 

The  first  Protestant  Duke  of  Norfolk,  carrying  the  sword  of 
State  before  James  II.  to  his  chapel,  stopped  at  the  door,  and 
would  go  no  further.  The  king  said,  "Your  father  would  have 
gone  farther  ;  "  to  which  the  Duke  answered,  "  Your  father  would 
not  have  gone  so  far." 

Ciirious  Letter  sent  by  a  Quaker  to  his  Watchmaker. 

I  send  thee,  once  more,  my  erroneous  watch,  which  wants  thy 
speedy  care  and  correction. '  Since  the  last  time  he  was  at  thy 
school,  I  find  by  experience  he  is  not  benefited  by  thy  instruc- 
tions. Thou  demandest  for  thy  labour  the  fifth  part  of  a  pound 
sterling,  which  thou  shalt  have,  but  let  thy  honest  endeavours 
first  earn  it.  I  will  board  him  with  thee  a  little  longer,  and  pay 
for  his  table  if  thou  requirest  it. 

Let  thy  whole  endeavours  and  observations  be  upon  him,  for  he 
has  mightily  de\'iated  from  the  principles  of  truth.  I  am  afraid 
he  is  foul  in  the  inward  man — I  mean  his  springs.  Prove  and  try 
him  well  with  the  adjusting  tools  of  truth,  that,  if  possible,  he 
may  be  drawn  from  the  error  of  his  ways. 

By  the  index  of  his  tongue  he  is  a  liar,  and  the  motion  of  his 
body  is  ever  variable  and  uncertain.  I  presume  his  body  is  foul, 
as  I  before  observed,  therefore  brush  him  well  with  thy  cleansing 
instruments  from  all  pollutions,  that  he  may  vibrate  with  regu- 
larity and  truth  ;  admonish  him  friendly  with  patience,  and  be 
not  too  hasty  and  rash  in  thy  correction,  lest,  by  endeavouring 
:o  reduce  him  from  one  error,  thou  shouldst  fling  him  headlong 
into  another ;  for  as  he  is  young,  and  of  a  malleable  temper,  he 
may,  with  due  coiTection,  be  brought  into  the  path  of  truth. 

In  fine,  let  him  visi'  often  the  motion  of  the  sun,  and  regulate 
him  by  his  table  of  equation,  and  when  thou  findest  them  agree, 
send  him  home  with  thy  bill  of  moderation,  to  thy  friend — Tobias 

GOSWELL. 

sticking  at  Nothing. 
Tom  Burnet,  son  of  Bishop  Burnet,  happened  to  be  at  dinner 
at  the  Lord  Mayor's,  in  the  latter  part  of  Queen  Anne's  reign, 
when  the  Tories  were  for  a  short  space  triumphant.  After  two  or 
three  healths,  "The  IMinistry  "  was  toasted.  Tom,  unwilling  to 
•compromise  his  principles  by  drinking  to  a  cabinet  he  could  not 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR,  10? 

approve  of,  endeavoured  to  escape,  by  telling  a  story  to  a  person 
^ho  sat  next  him.  This,  however,  would  not  do  with  the  Lord 
Mayor,  who,  observing  a  full  glass  on  the  table,  called  out^ 
'  *  Gentlemen,  where  sticks  the  Ministry  ?  " 

"At  nothing,"  replied  the  Whig,  and  immediately  drank  off 
his  glass. 

Homage  to  tlie  Scottish  Rifles.    (By  a  spiteful  competitor.) 

It  seems  that  the  Scots 

Turn  out  much  better  shots 
At  long  distance,  than  most  of  the  Englishmen  are ; 

But  this  we  all  knew 

That  a  Scotchman  could  do — 
Make  a  small  piece  of  metal  go  awfully  far.     [1] 

Sydney  Smith  and  the  Stout  Widow. 

As  an  instance  of  the  way  in  which  Sydney  Smith  clung  to  a 
joke,  and  would  not  let  it  go  until  he  had  got  all  the  fun  out  of  it,^ 
we  may  quote  his  description  of  a  voluminous  widow,  whom  aa 
ambitious  young  man  was  about  to  marry: — "Going  to  marry 
her!"  he  exclaimed,  bursting  out  laughing;  "going  to  marry 
her  !  Impossible,  you  mean  a  part  of  her.  He  could  not  marry 
her  all  himself.  It  would  be  a  case,  not  of  bigamy,  but  of  tn- 
gamy.  The  neighbourhood  or  the  magistrates  should  interfere. 
There  is  enough  of  her  to  furnish  wives  for  the  whole  pai-ish.  One 
man  marry  her  !  It  is  monstrous  !  You  might  people  a  colony 
with  her,  or  give  an  assembly  with  her,  or  perhaps  take  your 
morning  walk  round  her — always  supposing  there  were  frequent 
resting  places,  and  you  were  in  rude  health.  I  once  was  rash 
enough  to  try  walking  round  her  myself,  but  only  got  halfway, 
and  gave  it  up  exhausted.  Or  you  might  read  the  Riot  Act  and 
disperse  her  ;  in  short,  you  might  do  anything  with  her  but  marry 
her,"     [2] 

A  Novelty  in  the  Way  of  a  Loan. 

"I  say.  Jack,"  shouted  a  Smithfield  drover  the  other  day  to 
his  pal,  "these  sheep  won't  move  in  this  weather, — lend  us  a  bark 
of  your  dog,  will  ye." 

The  Human  Side  of  Royalty. 
A  Spanish  ambassador  one   day  entered  rather  unexpectedly 
into  a  room  in  which  iHenry  IV.  was  discovered  on  all  fours,  with 
his  little  son  upon  his  back.     The   king  stopped,  and  looking 


104  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

earnestly  at  the  ambassador,  said  to  him,  "  Pray,  sir,  have  you 
any  children  ? " 

**  Yes,  sir,  several." 

"Well,  then,  I  shall  complete  my  round,"'  and  he  immediately 
set  off  on  hands  and  knees  again,  till  both  boy  and  father  were 
tired  with  the  sport. 

The  "  Form "  wMcli  gives  the  Rite  Meaning. 

At  a  recent  examination  of  girls  in  Cheshire  for  the  rit«  of  con- 
firmation, in  answer  to  the  question,  "  What  is  the  outward  and 
visible  sign  and  form  in  baptism?"  the  reply  was,  "The  baby, 
sir." 

A  Forget-me-not. 

Douglai  Terrold  was  walking  with  a  party  of  literati  in  the 
country,  and  in  the  course  of  their  walk  they  stopped  to  notice 
the  gambols  of  a  little  donkey.  A  very  sentimental  poet  present 
said  he  should  like  to  send  the  little  tiling  as  a  present  to  his 
mother.  "Do,"  replied  Jcrrold,  "  and  tie  a  piece  of  paper  round 
its  neck,  with  the  motto,  'When  this  you  see,  remember  me.'  "  [4] 

The  Treaty  Explained. 

[The  Treaty  of  Peace  concluded  after  the  Crimean  War  met 
■with  very  little  favour.] 

**  Papa,  you  came  up  to  my  bed. 
And  Called  me  *  Little  Sleepy-head,' 

About  a  month  ago. 
And  made  me  wake  and  hear  the  guns, 
Telling  all  London-town  at  once. 

That  there  was  Peace,  you  know." 

My  Angel  Child,  I  did  by  thee 
That  which  my  father  did  to  me  ; 

You  fancied  it  unkind  ; 
But  no,  my  love,  some  day  you'll  tell 
Your  children  you  remember  well 

When  this  new  Peace  was  signed. 

"  It  was  quite  kind  of  you  to  take 
The  trouble,  Pa,  to  make  me  wake, 
Upon  that  Sunday  night ; 


EXGLISH  WIT  A XD  HUMOUR.  lOft 

But,  Pa,  I  wish  youd  teil  me  what 
To  tell  my  children,  that  we  got 
By  all  this  dreadful  fight  ? " 

My  darling,  yes,  I'm  very  glad 
That,  like  a  prudent  little  lad, 

You  ask  such  questions,  dear. 
We've  got  a  Treaty — that  is,  mind, 
A  Paper  which  great  folks  have  signed, 

To  put  things  straight  and  clear." 

"  A  Paper — one  that  I  can  read  ? " 
No,  love,  I  think  you'd  not  succeed, 

Although  it's  a  translation. 
It's  made  in  Chapters,  thirty-four, 
With  twenty  Protocols,  or  more, 

Besides  a  Declaration. 

"  But  tell  me,  Pa,  what  it's  about : 
Some  one,  you  know,  must  make  it  out] 

Or  nobody's  the  better." 
Well,  dear,  I'll  try,  if  you'll  attend — 
The  spirit  you  can  comprehend. 

So  never  mind  the  letter. 

All  what  we've  taken  from  the  Czar, 
From  the  beginning  of  the  War, 

We  are  to  give  him  back  ; 
Sebastopol,  and  six  more  towns. 
And  the  Crimean  hills  and  downs. 

We  must  surrender,  whack. 

All  the  strong  forts  he  had  before, 
Along  the  Black  Sea's  Asian  shore, 

He  is  to  have  again. 
That  he  may  bring  his  armies  there. 
And  make  the  brave  Circassian  bear 

His  long-resisted  chain. 

If  he  raise  and  take  away 
The  ships  he  sank,  my  dear,  he  may 
And  to  the  Baltic  steer  'em  : 


106  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

To  have  them  ready  there  at  need. 
One  of  these  days  the  Dane  or  Swede 
IMay  find  them  much  too  near  him. 

He's  not  to  pay  a  single  sou 
Of  all  the  cost  he's  put  us  to, 

That  forty  millions — blow  him  ; 
Nor  give  one  single  guarantee 
That  what  he  promises  shall  be 

Perfoi-med — and  yet  we  know  him. 

And  we  ourselves  are  so  polite 
That  we  resign  the  ancient  Right 

We  held  against  the  world. 
'Twas  the  old  Sea-king's  gallant  brag 
The  homage  paid  by  every  flag, 

When  England's  flag  vmfm-led. 

"  But,  Pa,  you've  only  told  me,  yet. 
What  these  fine  Russians  are  to  Get , 

Tell  me  what  they're  to  Do  : 
I  hoped  our  men,  who  fought  so  brave, 
Had  punished  them,  and  they'd  behave 

Much  better — didn't  you  ? " 

My  love,  that's  what  we're  Thankful  for, 
We've  gained  the  Objects  of  the  War, 

Hearing,  from  Russian  lips. 
The  Czar  will  let  the  Turks  alone. 
Will  not  rebuild  some  forts  of  stone, 
^  Or  build  big  Black  Sea  ships. 

And  (years  to  come,  though,  I'm  afraid) 
The  Danube  will  be  free  for  trade — 

That's  all  the  gain  we  reap, 
"  ^ly  own  Papa,  mine  Honoured  Sire, 
When  those  Park  guns  began  to  fire, 

You  might  have  let  me  sleep."    [1] 

Sydney  Smith  on  the  Education  of  Women. 

Sydney  Smith  wrote  thug  in  the  Edhiburgh  Revieic,  on  the  then 
Texed  question  of  Female  Education  :  * '  There  is  a  very  general 
notion  that  the  moment  you  put  the  education  of  women  upon  a 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  10? 

better  foundation  than  it  is  at  present,  at  that  moment  there  will 
be  an  end  of  all  domestic  economy  ;  and  that  if  you  once  suffer 
women  to  eat  of  the  tree  of  knowledge,  the  rest  of  the  family  will 
soon  be  reduced  to  the  same  kind  of  aerial  and  unsatisfactory  diet, 
Can  anything,"  he  continues,  in  his  own  most  characteristic  style, 
"  be  more  perfectly  absurd  than  to  suppose  that  the  care  and  per- 
petual solicitude  which  a  mother  feels  for  her  children  depends 
upon  her  ignorance  of  Greek  and  mathematics  ;  and  that  she  would 
desert  her  infant  for  a  quadratic  equation  ? "     [2] 

Thankful  for  Small  Mercies. 
An  eccentric  banker  was  eyeing  with  suspicious  vision  a  bill 
presented  to  him  for  discounting,  ^'  You  need  not  fear,"  said  the 
palpitating  customer,  "one  of  the  parties  keeps  his  carriage." 
"Ay  !"  rejoined  the  banker,  "  I  shall  be  glad  if  he  keeps  his 
feet." 

"  Smoking  " — an  Explanation. 

"  I  wish  you  would  not  smoke  cigars,"  said  a  j^oung  lady  to  her 
lover.  "  Why  not  smoke,  as  well  as  your  chimney  ? '  "Because 
chimneys  don't  smoke  when  they  are  in  good  order." 

"  At  Home  on  Thursdays." 

An  aristocratic  lady,  meeting  a  beggar  all  in  rags,  gave  him  her 
card,  saying  :  "Here  is  my  address.  If  you  call  any  time  you 
can  have  some  of  my  husband's  left-off  clothes."  A  few  days- 
after  she  saw  the  poor  fellow  again  in  the  street.  "  Why  did 
you  not  come  as  I  told  you  ?  "  "  Please,  ma'am,  this  is  Wednesday,, 
and  on  your  card  it  says  :  *  At  home  on  Thursdays.'  " 

From  the  Sublime  to  the  Ridiculous. 

A  good  example  at  once  of  the  limitation — the  frontier  line,  so 
to  say,  between  beauty  and  wit — and  at  the  same  time  of  the 
single  step  that  separates  the  sublime  and  ridiculous,  is  where  the 
surprise  is  made  to  result  from  a  sudden  change  from  the  sublime 
to  the  ridiculous,  as  for  instance  in  the  following  lines : — 

The  Geavedigger. 

"  Old  man,  old  man,  for  whom  dig'st  thou  this  grave  ?  " 

I  asked  as  I  walked  along  : 
For  I  saw  in  the  heart  of  London  streets, 

A  dark  and  busy  throng. 


108  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

'Twas  a  strange  wild  deed  ;  but  a  stranger  wish 

Of  the  parted  soul  to  lie 
'Midst  the  troubled  numbers  of  living  men, 

Who  would  pass  him  idly  by  ! 

So  I  said  :  "Old  man,  for  whom  dig'st  thou  this  gi-ave, 

In  the  heart  of  London  town  ?  " 
And  the  deep-toned  voice  of  the  digger  replied  : 

"  We're  a-laying  a  gas-pipe  down."     [3]  * 

Sydney  Smith's  Political  Simile. 

The  most  formal  shape  into  which  fun  can  fall  is  perhaps  the 
simile,  and  a  better  instance  could  not  be  adduced  than  Sydney 
Smith's  metaphor  of  Mrs  Partington  and  her  mop,  in  his  speech  to 
the  electors  at  Taunton,  on  the  rejection  of  the  Reform  Bill  by 
the  Lords : 

"  The  attempt  of  the  Lords  to  stop  Reform  reminds  me  very 
forcibly  of  the  conduct  of  the  excellent  Mrs  Partington  in  the 
great  storm  off  Sidmouth.  In  the  winter  of  1824  there  set  in  a 
great  flood  upon  that  town  ;  the  waves  rushed  in  upon  the  houses, 
and  everything  was  threatened  with  destruction.  In  the  midst 
of  this  sublime  and  terrible  storm,  Dame  P. ,  who  lived  upon  the 
beach,  was  seen  at  the  door  of  her  house  in  mop  and  pattens, 
trundling  her  mop,  squeezing  out  the  sea -water,  and  vigorously 
pushing  away  the  Atlantic  Ocean.  The  Atlantic  was  roused  ;  Mrs 
P.'s  spirit  was  up  ;  but  I  need  not  tell  you  that  the  contest  was 
unequal.  The  Atlantic  beat  Mrs  Partington.  She  was  excellent 
at  a  slop  or  a  puddle  ;  but  she  should  not  have  meddled  with  a 
tempest.  Gentlemen,  be  at  your  ease,  be  qviiet  and  steady.  You 
will  beat  Mrs  Partington. "    [2] 

Sink-we  Scento. 
"  After  five  years  the  Thames  is  to  receive  no  sewage." — Sir  B. 
Hall,  1855. 

In  shorter  time,  kind  sir,  contrive 

To  purify  our  drink  ; 
For  while  your  figure  is  a  Five 
Our  river  is  a  Cinq.         [1] 

"Too  Many  Cooks." 
A  capital  story  was  told  the  other  day  by  a  public  speaker,  illus- 
trating the  old  saying  quoted  above.     The  story  is  about  what 
recently  happened  to  a  pair  of  trousers.     The  young  man  to  whom 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  109 

they  belonged  had  ptirchased'them  for  his  wedding,  but  on  the  eve 
of  that  aiispicioiis  event  he  discovered  that  they  were  two  inches 
too  long.  So  he  went  downstairs  to  his  mother  and  two  sisters 
and  informed  them  of  the  calamity.  They  were  busy — just  sym 
pathised  with  him  vaguely,  as  people  occupied  are  apt  to  do,  but 
said  no  more.  To  all  outward  impression  the  affair  had  not 
disturbed  them  greatly. 

On  the  first  spare  moment,  however,  that  the  mother  had,  she 
went  upstairs,  cut  two  inches  off  the  trousers^' hemmed  them,  and 
returned  downstairs  without  being  missed. 

Just  as  they  were  sitting  down  to  supper  the  elder  sister  sud- 
denly remembered  John's  request,  slipped  away  quietly,  and  went 
and  removed  another  two  inches,  hemmed  them  as  her  mother 
had  done,  and  returned  to  the  party  without  mentioning  what  she 
had  done. 

The  party  broke  up,  bedtime  arrived,  and  now  the  younger 
flew  impatiently  to  remove  the  difficulty  in  her  brother's  attire, 
and  again  the  trousers  were  diminished  by  two  inches. 

So  the  story  ends.  What  became  of  the  bridegroom  on  the 
morrow,  and  whether  he  appeared  at  church  in  his  shortened 
garments,,  or  wore  another  pair,  is  all  left  to  the  imagination. 

Definition  of  a  Pilgrim. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  one  of  Her  Majesty's  inspectors  of  mid- 
England.  Examining  a  school  on  one  occasion,  Mr  K in- 
quired, "  What  is  a  pilgrim  ? " 

After  a  pause  a  sturdy  little  imp  boldly  answered,  "  A  pilgrim 
is  a  man,  pie's  sir." 

"  A  man  ?  "  returned  the  inspector,  severely.  "  That  won't  do. 
Tell  me  some  more  about  a  pilgrim." 

Another  pause,  broken  by  the  examiner  this  time,  "/'to  a 
man,  you  know,"  he  said,  rashly  ;  "am  /a  pilgrim?" 

Here  followed  no  pause,  but  the  prompt  rejoinder:  "Oh,  no, 
sir  ;  a  pilgrim's  a  good  man,  sir. " 

It  was  rather  the  bystanders,  than  the  questioner  or  the  ques- 
tioned, who  did  not  know  which  way  to  look. 

A  Collision — Illustrated. 

One  of  our  school  teachers  was  endeavouring  to  explain  to  a 
small  boy  in  her  class  the  meaning  of  the  words  "  collision."  She 
said  :  "  Suppose  two  boys  running  in  the  street  should  come  to 


no  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

grether  hard,  what  would  there  be?"     "A  fight,"  responded  the 
little  fellow,  loudly,  and  with  astonishing  promptness. 

The  Golden  Rule. 
(Improved  from  Waits  and  Gladstone.) 
Be  you  to  othex-s  kind  and  true, 
As  you'd  have  others  be  to  you, 
And  neither  do  nor  say  to  men 
Whate'er  you  would  not  like  again  ; 
But  ff  men  do  and  say  to  you 
That  which  is  neither  kind  nor  true, 
Take  a  good  stick,  and  say  to  men, 
' '  Don't  say  or  do  that  same  again."    [1] 

Sydney  Smith  on  the  ''reaching  of  the  Clergy. 
Apropos  of  sermons,  to  wit,  Sydney  Smith  said  :  ' '  The  English, 
generally  remarkable  for  doing  very  good  things  in  a  very  bad  man- 
ner, seem  to  have  reserved  the  maturity  and  plenitude  of  their  awk- 
wardness for  the  pulpit.  A  clergyman  clings  to  his  velvet  cushion 
with  either  hand,  keeps  his  eye  riveted  upon  his  book,  speaks  of 
the  ecstasies  of  joy  and  fear  with  a  voice  and  a  face  which  indicate 
neither,  and  pinions  his  body  and  soul  into  the  same  attitude  of 
limb  and  thought,  for  fear  of  being  called  theatrical  and  affected. 
The  most  intrepid  veteran  of  us  all  does  no  more  than  wipe  his  face 
with  his  cambric  sudarium  ;  if  by  mischance  his  hand  slip  from  its 
ordinary  grip  of  the  velvet,  he  draws  it  back  as  from  liquid  brim- 
stone, or  the  caustic  iron  of  the  law,  and  atones  for  his  indecorum 
by  fresh  inflexibility  and  more  rigid  sameness.  Is  it  wonder,  then, 
that  every  semi-delirious  sectary  who  pours  forth  his  animated 
nonsense  with  the  genuine  look  and  voice  of  passion  should  gesticu- 
late away  the  congregation  of  the  most  profound  and  learned 
divine  of  the  established  Church,  and,  in  two  Sundays,  preach  him 
bare  to  the  very  sexton  !  "     [2] 

Justice — Only  Delayed. 

The  late  Lord  Cockburn's  looks,  tones,  language,  and  manner 
were  always  such  as  to  make  one  think  that  he  believed  every  word 
he  said.  On  one  occasion,  before  he  was  raised  to  the  bench,  when 
defending  a  murderer,  although  he  failed  to  comdnce  the  judge 
and  jurymen  of  the  innocence  of  his  client,  yet  he  convinced  the 
murderer  himself  that  he  was  innocent.  Sentence  of  death  was 
jironounced,  and  the  day  of  execution  was  fixed  for,  say,  the  2'!)th 
of  January.     As  Lord  Cockbum  was  passine  the  condemned  man 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  Ill 

the  latter  seized  him  by  the  gown,  saying :  "  I  have  not  got  justice, 
Mr  Cockburn — I  have  not  got  justice  ! "  To  this  the  advocate  coolly 
replied  :  "  Perhaps  not ;  but  you'll  get  it  on  the  20th  of  January." 

Comparisons  are  "Hideous." 

Some  time  since  a  wedding  breakfast  was  given  by  a  substantial 
farmer  blessed  with  five  daughters,  the  oldest  being  the  bride, 
when  a  neighbour,  a  young  farmer,  who  was  honoured  with  an 
invitation,  thinking  no  doubt  he  ought  to  say  something  smart 
and  complimentary  upon  the  event,  addressing  the  bridegroom 
said,  "  Well,  you  have  got  the  pick  of  the  batch  !  "  The  counten- 
ances of  the  four  unmarried  ones,  as  may  be  imagined,  was  a 
study. 

Here  and  There,  One. 

Dr  B being  once  in  a  large  company  at  dinner,  was  seated 

between  Mrs  Lowth  and  Mi*s  Sherlock  ;  the  conversation  happened 

to  turn  upon  wives,  v/hen  Dr  B said,  that  he  "believed  wives 

in  general  were  good,  though  to  be  sure  there  might  be  a  bad  one 
here  and  there"  nodding  alternately  at  the  two  ladies  on  each  side 
of  him. 

Two  Alma  Maters— Result. 

A  young  country  clergyman  was  boasting  of  having  been 
educated  at  two  colleges.  "  You  remind  me,"  said  an  aged  divine 
present,  of  an  instance  I  knew  of  a  calf  that  sucked  two  cows." 

*'  What  was  the  consequence  ? "  said  a  third  person. 

"Why,  SU-,"  replied  the  old  gentleman,  very  gravely,  *'  the  con- 
sequence was,  that  he  was  a  venj  fjreat  coif. " 

MoTtifying  Simplicity. 
A  country  gentleman  who  fills  every  necessary  position  to 
constitute  him  the  head  of  the  village,  and  who  had  taken  some 
pains  to  instruct  the  rustic  inhabitants  in  the  proper  signs  of 
respect  due  to  him,  being  lately  on  a  horse  somewhat  given  to  shy, 
and  observing  a  lad  walking  before  him,  called  out,  "Boy,  don't 
take  otf  your  hat."  The  youth,  turning  his  head,  very  innocently 
answered,  "  /  Korn't  a-going  to  do." 

Teacher  versiis  PupiL 
An  incident  analogous  to  that  so  often  associated  with  the  name 
of  Professor  Blackie  and  his  classes  occurred  the  other  day  at  a 
reading  school  in   Gateshead.      The    pupils,    in    exuberance    of 


112  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

spirits,  had  just  returned  to  scholastic  work  after  the  hohdays, 
and  one  of  the  more  playful  of  the  number,  desirous  of  aiming  a 

gentle  joke  at  the  mastei-,  wrote  upon  the  blackboard,  "  Mr 

is  a  donkey."  The  genial  and  witty  teacher,  however,  was  equal 
to  the  occasion,  for,  on  seeing  the  inscription,  he  immediately 
seized  the  chalk  and  added  the  word  "  driver."  This,  of  course, 
made  all  the  difference  in  the  world,  and  the  tables  were  suddenly 
tumed  upon  the  juvenile  scribe  and  his  fellows. 

Two  Birds  with  One  Stone. 

Dr  Wilberforce,  Bishop  of  Winchester,  and  Lord  Palmerston 
were  on  a  visit  in  the  country.  The  premier  offered  to  take  the 
bishop  to  church  in  his  carriage  :  the  bishop  chose  to  go  on  foot. 
A  shower  came  on  just  as  the  cari'iage  overtook  the  pedestrian. 
The  prime  minister  put  his  head  out  of  the  window  with  : 

"  How  blest  is  he  who  ne'er  consents 
By  ill  advice  to  walk." 
And  the  bishop  immediately  retorted  with  : 

"  Nor  stands  in  sinnei-s'  ways,  nor  sits 
Where  men  profanely  talk. " 

Hearing  Both  Sides. 
A  father  asked  a  lazy  son  what  made  him  lie  in  bed  so  long. 
"1  am  busied,"  said  he,  "in  hearing  counsel  every  morning. 
Industry  advises  me  to  get  up.  Sloth  to  lie  still ;  and  so  they  give 
twenty  reasons  for  and  against.  It  is  my  part  to  hear  what  is 
said  on  both  sides,  and,  by  the  time  the  case  is  over,  dinner  is 
ready. " 

An  Apprentice  and  Early  Rising. 
An  industrious  tradesman  having  taken  a  new  apprentice, 
awoke  him  the  fii'st  morning  at  a  very  early  houi-,  by  calling  out 
that  the  family  were  sitting  down  to  table.  "Thank  you,"  said 
the  boy,  as  he  turned  over  in  bed  to  adjust  himself  for  a  new  nap, 
"thank  you,  but  I  never  eat  anything  during  the  night." 

Taking  him  at  his  own  Price. 

A  gentleman  while  skating  fell  into  the  water,  and  ran  im- 
minent risk  of  his  life.  A  man  with  some  difficulty  pulled  him 
out.  The  gentleman  rewarded  his  preserver  with  a  sixpence. 
The  bystanders  expressed  some  surprise  respecting  the  insuffi- 
ciency  of    the   sum  :    but  the  man    coolly   observed,   that    the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  113 

gentleman  knew  best  what  his  own  life  was  worth,  and  walked 
off. 

Dr  Jolmson's  Childhood. 

The  trick  which  most  parents  play  with  their  children,  that  of 
showing  off  their  newly -acquired  accomplishments,  disgusted  Mr 
Johnson  beyond  expression.  He  had  been  treated  so  himself,  he 
said,  till  he  absolutely  loathed  his  father's  caresses,  because  he 
knew  they  were  sure  to  precede  some  unpleasing  display  of  his 
early  abilities  ;  and  he  used,  when  neighbours  came  visiting,  to 
run  up  a  tree  that  he  might  not  be  found  and  exhibited,  such,  as 
no  doubt  he  was,  a  prodigy  of  early  understanding.  His  epitaph 
upon  the  duck  he  killed  by  treading  on  it  at  five  years  old — 

' '  Here  lies  poor  duck 

That  Samuel  Johnson  trod  on  ; 
If  it  had  liv'd  it  had  been  good  luck, 
For  it  would  have  been  an  odd  one" — 

is  a  striking  example  of  early  expansion  of  mind  and  knowledge 
'jf  language  ;  yet  he  always  seemed  more  mortified  at  the  recol- 
lection of  the  bustle  his  parents  made  with  his  wit,  than  pleased 
with  the  thoughts  of  possessing  it.     [9] 

A  Witty  Cleric  and  an  Aged  Bridegroom. 

An  old  gentleman  of  eighty  years  ha\ing  taken  to  the  altar  a 
young  damsel  of  sixteen,  the  clergyman  said  to  him,  "The  font 
is  at  the  other  end  of  the  church."  "  What  do  I  want  of  the 
font  ?"  inquired  the  old  gentleman.  "  I  beg  your  pardon,"  said 
the  clerical  wit,  "  I  thought  you  had  brought  this  child  to  be 
christened." 

A  Lesson  on  Passive  Verbs. 

A  teacher  one  day  endeavouring  to  make  a  pupil  understand 
the  nature  and  application  of  a  passive  verb,  said,  "  A  passive  verb 
is  expressive  of  the  nature  of  receiving  an  action,  as,  Peter  is 
beaten.  Now,  what  did  Peter  do  ? "  The  boy,  pausing  a  moment, 
with  the  gravest  countenance  imaginable,  replied,  "Well,  I  don't 
know,  without  he  hollored." 

A  Wife's  Retort. 

An  elderly  lady,  telling  her  age,  remarked  that  she  was  born  on 
the  22nd  of  April.  Her  husband,  who  was  present,  observed,  "I 
always  thought  you  were  born  on  i\iQ  first  of  April."      "People 


114  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

might  well  judge  so,"  responded  the  matron,  "in  the  choice  I 
made  of  a  husband." 

Driving  it  Home. 

"  I  owe  you  one,"  said  a  withered  old  Coelebsto  a  lady  the  other 
night  at  a  party.  " For  what ? "  said  she.  "Why,  for  calling  me 
a  young  gentleman."  "  If  I  did  so,"  was  the  ill-natured  reply,  "  I 
beg  you  Avill  not  regard  it  as  a  compliment,  for  though  an  old  man 
you  may  still  be  a  young  gentleman." 

A  Double  Disgrace. 
The  Rev.  Mr  Foote,  brother  to  the  celebrated  comic  wit  of  that 
name,  being  once  in  a  coffee-house,  swearing  and  drinking  pretty 
freely,  a  Quaker  near  him  said  :  "  Friend,  thou  art  a  disgrace  to  thy 
cloth  !  " — "  No,  friend,"  replied  Foote,  "my  cloth  is  a  disgrace  to 
me,"  raising  his  arm  and  showing  a  large  hole  or  two  in  his  coat.    [11] 

Marriage  Certificates. 

"You  say,  Mrs  Smith,  that  you  have  lived  with  the  defendant 
for  eight  years.  Does  the  Court  understand  from  that,  that  you 
are  a  married  woman?"  "In  course  it  does."  "Have  you  a 
marriage  certificate  ? "  "  Yes,  your  honour,  three  on  'em — two 
gals  and  a  boy."    Verdict  for  the  plaintiff. 

More  Witty  t'nan  Wise. 
Dr  Williamson  had  a  quarrel  with  one  of  his  parishioners  by  the 
name  of  Hardy,  who  showed  considerable  resentment.  On  the 
succeeding  Sunday,  the  doctor  preached  from  the  following  text, 
which  he  pronounced  with  great  emphasis,  and  ^vith  a  significant 
look  at  Hardy,  who  was  present : — ' '  There  is  no  fool  like  the  f ool- 
hardy." ' 

Matrimony  doth  open  the  Eyes  of  the  Blind. 

Friend  Grace,  it  seems,  had  a  very  good  horse  and  a  very  poor 
one.  When  seen  riding  the  latter,  he  was  asked  the  reason.  (It 
turned  out  that  his  better  half  had  taken  the  good  one.)  "What," 
said  the  bantering  bachelor,  "  how  comes  it  you  let  your  mistress 
ride  the  better  horse?"  The  only  reply  was — "Friend,  when 
thou  beest  married  thee'll  know." 

Driven  from  the  Garden. 

One  day  as  Dr  Young,  the  author  of  the  "  Night  Thoughts," 
was  walking  in  his  garden  at  Welwyn,  in  company  with  the  two 


ENGLISH  WIT  A  ND  H  UMO  UR.  115 

daughters  of  the  Earl  of  Lichfield,  one  of  whom  he  afterwards 
man-ied,  the  servant  came  to  tell  him  that  a  gentleman  wished  to 
see  him.  "Tell  hira,"  replied  the  doctor,  "that  I  am  too  agree- 
ahly  engaged  to  change  my  situation."  The  ladies  insisted  he 
should  go,  but  as  persuasion  had  no  effect,  one  took  him  by  the 
right  ami,  the  other  by  the  left,  and  led  him  to  the  garden-gate  ; 
when,  finding  resistance  in  vain,  Young  bowed  and  spoke  the 
following  lines : — 

"Thus  Adam  look'd  when  from  the  garden  driven, 

And  thus  disputed  orders  sent  from  heaven  ; 

Like  him  I  go,  but  yet  to  go  am  loth  ; 

Like  him  I  go,  for  angels  drove  us  both  ; 

Hard  was  his  fate,  but  mine  still  more  unkind  : 

His  Eve  went  with  him,  but  mine  stays  behind."     [11] 

Dr  Jolmson  on  Sermon-Heaxers. 

We  were  speaking  of  a  gentleman  who  loved  his  friend — 
"Make  him  Prime  Minister,"  says  Johnson,  "and  see  how  long 
his  friend  will  be  remembered."  But  he  had  a  rougher  answer 
for  me,  when  I  commended  a  sermon  preached  by  an  intimate 
acquaintance  of  our  own  at  the  trading  end  of  the  town.  ' '  What 
was  the  subject,  Madam  /  "  says  Dr  Johnson.  "  Friendship,  sir," 
replied  I.  "  Why,  now.  is  it  not  strange  that  a  wise  man  like  our 
dear  little  Evans,  should  take  it  in  his  head  to  preach  on  such  a 
subject,  in  a  place  where  no  one  can  be  thinking  of  it  ? "  "Why, 
what  are  they  thinking  upon,  sir  ?  "  said  I.  "  Why,  the  men  are 
thinking  on  their  money,  I  suppose,  and  the  women  are  thinking 
of  their  mops."     [9] 

A  Keen  Request. 

A  luckless  undergraduate  of  Cambridge,  being  examined  for 
his  degree,  and  failing  in  every  subject  upon  which  he  was  tried, 
complained  that  he  had  not  been  questioned  upon  the  things 
which  he  knew  ;  upon  which  the  examining  master  tore  off  about 
an  inch  of  paper,  and,  pushing  it  towards  him,  desired  him  to 
write  upon  that  all  he  knew. 

Leaving  Room  for  a  Collection  and  a  Correction. 

The  Rev.  Sydney  Smith,  preaching  a  charity  sermon,  frequently 
repeated  the  assertion  that,  of  all  nations,  Engli>;hmen  were  most 
distinguished  for  generosity  and  the  love  of  their  species.  The 
collection  happened  to  be  inferior  to  his  expectations,  and  he  said 
that  he  had  evidently  made  a  great  mistake,  for  that  his  ex- 


116  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF       * 

pression  should  have  been,  that  they  were  distinguished  for  the 
love  of  their  specie. 

A  "  Personal "  IQustration. 
Sir  Fletcher  Norton  was  noted  for  his  want  of  courtesy.  "When 
pleading  before  Lord  Mansfield,  on  some  question  of  manorial 
right,  he  chanced  unfortunately  to  say,  "My  Lord,  I  can  illus- 
trate the  point  in  an  instant  in  my  own  person  :  I,  myself,  have 
two  httle  manors."  The  judge  immediately  interposed,  with  one 
of  his  blandest  smiles,  "We  all  know  it.  Sir  Fletcher." 

Hardly  a  Coat  Left. 

Poor  H ,  the  comedian,  once  so  well  known  in  the  Man- 
chester and  Liverpool  theatres,  having  called  in  a  doctor  during 
a  serious  fit  of  illness,  was  interrogated  as  to  his  mode  of  living. 
"Did  he  drink  much,  and  what  was  the  fluid  he  indulged  in  /" 

was  inquired.      "  Brandy  and  water  was  his  weakness,"  H 

replied,  and  "he  consumed  generally  from  six  to  twelve  glasses 
per  diem,  which  he  had  done  for  many  years."  "  Good  Heavens  ! " 
said  the  doctor,  "I  wonder  you  have  any  coat  left  to  your 
stomach!"  "Ah,  doctor,"  replied  the  invalid,  "my  friends 
wonder  that  I  have  any  coat  left  to  my  had:" 

"  Trodden  Under  Foot." 

At  an  election  dinner  at  Kidderminster — a  i>lace  celebrated  for 
its  manufacture  of  carpets — this  toast  was  proposed  by  a  towns- 
man— "  May  the  trade  of  our  town  always  be  trodden  undei'  foot." 

Reproving — Directly  and  Indirectly. 

Dr  South,  when  once  preaching  before  Charles  II.,  observed 
that  the  monarch  and  his  attendants  began  to  nod  ;  and  as  nobles 
are  common  men  when  they  are  asleep,  some  of  them  soon  after 
snored  ;  on  which  he  broke  off  his  sermon,  and  exclaimed,  "  Lord 
Lauderdale,  I  am  sorry  to  interrupt  your  repose,  but  let  me  en- 
treat you  not  to  snore  so  loud,  lest  you  awaken  his  Majesty."   [11] 

A  Lawyer's  Fee. 

A  client,  while  bathing  at  sea,  saw  his  lawj^er  rise  up,  after  a 
long  dive,  at  his  side.  "Ho,  there,  Mr  Brief,  have  you  taken 
out  a  warrant  against  Burt?"  "He  is  in  gaol,"  replied  the 
lawj-er,  and  dived  again,  showing  his  heels  as  a  parting  view  to 
his  client  ;  nor  did  the  latter  hear  more  of  his  interview  with  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  •       117 

man  of  law  until  he  got  his  account  containing  the  entry :  "To 
consultation  at  sea,  anent  the  incarceration  of  Burt,  six-and- 
eightpeuce." 

Ex  NihUo  Nihil  Fit. 
The  following  admirable  riddle  was  quoted  many  years  ago  in 
Notes  and  Quei-ies.     The  authorship  of  it  seems  to  be  involved  in 
obscurity  : — 

**  What's  that  which  all  love  more  than  life, 
Fear  more  than  death  or  mortal  strife  ? — 
That  which  contented  men  desire — 
The  poor  possess — the  rich  require  ? — 
The  miser  spends — the  spendthrift  saves — 
And  all  men  carry  to  their  graves  ? " 

The  answer  is — ^'■Nothing." 

Cut  it  Short. 
The  Eev.   Dr  Hall  said  every  blade  of  grass  was  a  sermon. 
The  next  day  he  was  amusing  himself  by  clipping  his  lawn,  when 
a  parishioner  said  :    *'  That's   right,   doctor  ;    cut  your  sermons 
short." 

Splendid  Debating  Power. 

Henderson,  the  actor,  was  seldom  known  to  be  in  a  passion. 
When  at  Oxford,,  he  was  one  day  debating  with  a  fellow  student, 
who,  not  keeping  his  temper,  threw  a  glass  of  wine  in  the  actor's 
face  ;  when  Henderson  took  out  his  handkerchief,  wiped  his  face, 
and  coolly  said,  "  That,  sir,  was  a  digression ;  now  for  the 
argument." 

Translated  Fun. 

A  Schoolmaster,  who  was  somewhat  of  the  same  way  of  thinking 
as  Tom  Moore's  play-loving  pedagogues,  once  said  to  the  present 
writer,  "I  always  set  my  lowest  Greek  class  to  the  aareia  of  Hierocles 
— that  Greek  Joe  Miller — as  soon  as  they  are  well  on  in  their  verbs, 
and  it  is  a  fine  example  of  the  surprise  which  is  a  constant  accom- 
paniment of  this  strange  association  of  ideas  to  see  the  joke 
gradually  dawning  on  the  schoolboy  mind  throush  the  mists  of  a 
dead  language.  Some  of  these  old  jokemongers'  witticisms  are 
capital — so  good,  in  fact,  that  the  parentage  of  many  of  them  has 
been  claimed  by  modern  wits.  No  doubt  we  shall  recognise  some 
old  friends  as  \ve  read  : 


118  EVERYBODTS  BOOK  OF 

(1)  A  pedant  (for  so  we  must  probably  translate,  in  conventional 
phrase,  the  pervading  scholastichus  of  the  old  jokenionger)  wish- 
ing to  teach  his  hoi-se  not  to  eat  much,  gave  him  no  food. 
Eventually  the  horse  died  of  starvation  ;  and  he  complained  to 
his  friends,  "  I  have  suffered  a  great  loss,  for  just  when  I  had 
taught  my  horse  to  live  upon  nothing,  he  died." 

(2)  A  pedant  having  bought  a  cask  of  wine,  sealed  it.  But  his 
slave  bored  a  hole  and  stole  the  wine.  The  master  was  amazed 
to  find  that,  though  his  seals  were  unbroken,  the  wine  gradually 
diminished.  Someone  suggested  that  he  should  examine  whether 
it  had  been  taken  out  from  the  bottom.  "  Fool,"  he  replied,  "it 
isn't  the  lower  part  that's  gone  ;  it's  the  upper." 

(3)  A  pedant  suffered  shipwreck  in  a  tempest,  and  seeing  the 
passengei-s  tie  themselves  to  different  articles  on  board,  fastened 
himself  to  one  of  the  anchors. 

(4)  Another  had  to  cross  a  river,  and  went  on  board  the  ferry- 
boat on  horseba<ik.  Somebody  asked  him  why  he  did  so,  and  he 
replied,  because  he  was  in  a  hurry. 

(5)  Yet  another,  anxious  to  know  whether  he  looked  well  when 
he  was  asleep,  stood  before  a  looking-glass  with  his  eyes  shut,  to 
see. 

(6)  A  landlord,  who  had  a  house  to  sell,  went  about  amongst  his 
friends,  caiTying  a  brick  as  a  specimen,     [7] 

The  Lady  with  Holes  in  Her  Stockings. 
At  a  religious  meeting,  a  lady  persevered  in  standing  on  a  bench, 
and  thus  intercepting  the  view  of  others,  though  repeatedly  re- 
quested to  sit  down.  A  reverend  old  gentleman  at  last  rose  and 
said  gravely,  "  I  think,  if  the  lady  knew  that  she  had  a  large  hole 
in  each  of  her  stoclrngs  she  would  not  exhibit  them  in  this  way." 
This  had  the  desirod  effect — she  immediately  sunk  down  on  her 
seat.  A  young  minister  standing  by,  blushed  to  the  temples,  and 
said,  "0  brother,  how  could  you  say  what  was  not  the  fact?" 
"  Not  the  fact !  "  replied  the  old  gentleman  ;  "if  she  had  not  a 
large  hole  in  each  of  her  stockings,  I  should  like  to  know  how  she 
gets  them  on." 

Division  of  Labour,  or  a  Witty  Thief. 

The  gi-eat  Duke  of  Marlborough,  passing  tlie  gate  of  the  Tower 
after  having  inspected  that  fortress,  was  accosted  by  an  ill-looking 
fellow  with,  "How  do  you  do,  my  Lord  Duke?  I  believe  your 
Grace  and  I  have  now  been  in  every  jail  in  the  kingdom  ? " 


ESGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  119 

"I  believe,  friend,"  replied  the  Duke,  with  surprise,  "this  is 
the  only  jail  I  ever  visited." 

"  Very  like,"  replied  the  other,  "  but  I  have  been  in  all  the  rest. " 

What  the  Sermon  was  About. 

A  friend  accused  another  of  sleeping  in  church,  which  he  flatly 
denied,  insisting  that  he  had  been  awake  all  the  time.  ''Well, 
then,"  said  the  accuser,  "can  you  tell  me  what  the  sermon  was 
about?"  **Yes,  I  can,"  was  the  answer;  "  it  was  about  half -an- 
hour  too  long."    [11] 

The  Worst  "  Ism  "  in  Christendom. 

A  zealous,  and  in  his  way  a  very  eminent,  preacher,  whose 
eloquence  is  as  copious,  and  far  more  lucid,  than  the  waters  of 
his  beloved  Cam,  happened  to  miss  a  constant  auditor  from  his 
congregation.  Schism  had  already  made  some  depredations  on 
the  fold,  which  was  not  so  large  but  to  a  practised  eye  the 
deduction  of  even  one  was  perceptible.     ' '  What  keeps  our  friend 

farmer  B away  from  us  .< "  was  the  anxious  question  proposed 

by  our  vigilant  minister  to  his  clerk.  "I  have  not  seen  him 
amongst  us,"  continued  he,  "these  three  weeks  ;  I  hope  it  is  not 
Socinianism  that  keeps  him  away  ? " 

"No,  your  honour,"  replied  the  clerk,  "it  is  something  worse 
than  that. " 

"Worse  than  Socinianism  ?    God  forbid  it  should  be  Deism ? " 

"No,  your  honour,  it  is  something  worse  than  that." 

"I  trust  it  is  not  atheism  ? " 

"Worse  than  that,  sir." 

"Worse  than  atheism?  impossible — nothing  can  be  worse  than 
atheism  ! " 

"Yes,  it  is,  your  honour — it  is  rheumatism." 

Proving  that  the  Earliest  Riser  was  the  Greatest  Loser. 

A  father  chiding  his  son  for  not  leaving  his  bed  at  an  earlier 
hour,  told  him  as  an  inducement  that  a  certain  man  being  up 
betimes  found  a  purse  of  money. 

"  It  might  be  so,"  replied  the  son,  "but  he  that  lost  it  was  up 
before  him." 

Mag^num  Malum. 

Once  when  preaching  at  Wapping  to  a  congregation  composed 
chiefly  of  seafaring  men  and  fisherwomen,  he  greatly  astonished 


120  HVIiJR  YBOD  }",s'  BOOK  OF 

his  congregation  by  commencing  the  sermon  with  these  words  : — 
"I  come  to  preach  to  great  sinnei-s,  notorious  sinners — yea,  to 
Wa])j)ing  sinners." 

Whistling— a  Good  Temperance  Agent. 

A  certain  old  lady  in  Cheshire,  whenever  she  hires  a  servant, 
asks  him  if  he  can  whistle  ?  On  being  requested,  by  a  friend,  to 
explain  the  cause  of  such  a  singiilar  question,  she  replied,  that 
when  her  footman  went  down  to  draw  the  ale,  she  always  made 
him  whistle  until  he  returned,  by  which  means  she  insured  his 
sobriety. 

"  Take  No  Thought .  .  .  Wherewithal  Ye  Shall  Be  Clothed. 

In  answer  to  the  arg-uments  urged  by  Puritans,  Quakers,  &c., 
against  showy  decorations  of  the  human  figure,  I  once  heard  Dr 
Johnson  exclaim,  "  Oh,  let  us  not  be  found,  when  our  Master 
calls  us,  ripping  the  lace  off  our  waistcoats,  but  the  spirit  of 
contention  from  our  souls  and  tongues  !  Let  us  all  conform  in 
outward  customs,  which  are  of  no  consequence,  to  the  manners  of 
those  whom  we  hve  among,  and  despise  such  paltry  distinctions. 
Alas,  sir  I  "  continued  he,  "a  man  who  cannot  get  to  heaven  in  a 
green  coat,  will  not  find  his  way  thither  sooner  in  a  grey  one."  [9] 

Wilberforce's  Candour. 

In  the  life  of  Mr  Wilberfoi'ce,  we  find  in  his  Dian/  the  following 

entry  : — "Went  to  hear  Mr  Foster.    Felt  much  devotion,  and 

(naming  a  friend)  went  to  sleep  during  the  psalms :  during  the 
seiTuon,  went  to  sleep  myself."    [10] 

Dr  Johnson's  Advice  on  Matrimony. 

On  one  occasion,  when  he  was  musing  over  the  fire  in  our 
drawing-room  at  Streatham,  a  young  gentleman  called  to  him 
suddenly,  and  I  suppose  he  thought  disrespectfully,  in  these 
words:  "Mr  Johnson,  would  you  advise  me  to  marrj- ? "  "I 
would  advise  no  man  to  marry,  sir,"  returns  for  answer  in  a  very 
angry  tone  Dr  Johnson,  "  who  is  not  likely  to  propagate  under- 
standing," and  so  left  the  room.  Our  companion  looked  con- 
founded, and  scarce  recovered  the  consciousness  of  his  own  ex- 
istence, when  Johnson  came  back,  and  drawing  his  chair  among 
us,  with  altered  looks  and  a  softened  voice,  joined  in  the  general 
chat,  insensiblj'  led  the  conversation  to  the  subject  of  marriage, 
where  he  laid  himself  out  in  a  dissertation  so  useful,  so  elegant,  so 
founded  on  the  true  knowledge  of  human  life,  and  so  adorned 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  121 

with  beauty  of  sentiment,  that  no  one  ever  recollected  the  offence, 
except  to  rejoice  in  its  consequences.  He  repented  just  as 
certainly,  however,  if  he  had  been  led  to  praise  any  person  or 
thing  by  accident  more  than  he  thought  it  deserved  ;  and  was  on 
such  occasions  comically  earnest  to  destroy  the  praise  or  pleasure 
he  had  unintentionally  given.     [9] 

Bishop  Atterbury's  Pad. 
In  the  debate  on  the  Occasional  Conformity  and  Schism  Bill 
in  the  House  of  Lords,  in  December  1718,  the  promoters  of  the 
Bill  were  very  warmly  opposed  by  Atterbury,  Bishop  of  Rochester, 
who  said  "he  had  prophesied  last  winter  this  Bill  would  be  at- 
tempted in  the  present  session,  and  he  was  sorry  to  find  he  had 
beefi  a  true  prophet."  Lord  Coningsby,  who  always  spoke  in  a 
passion,  rose  immediately  after  the  bishop,  and  remarked  that 
*'  one  of  the  right  reverends  had  set  himself  forth  as  a  prophet, 
but,  for  his  part,  he  did  not  know  what  prophet  to  liken  him  to, 
unless  to  that  famous  prophet  Balaam,  who  was  reproved  by  his 
own  ass."  Tlie  bishop,  in  reply,  with  great  wit  and  calmness 
exposed  his  rude  attack,  concluding  in  these  words  :  "Since  the 
noble  lord  hath  discovered  in  our  manners  such  a  similitude,  I  am 
well  content  to  be  compared  to  the  prophet  Balaam ;  but,  my 
lords,  I  am  at  a  loss  how  to  make  out  the  other  part  of  the 
parallel.  I  am  sure  I  have  been  re})roved  by  nobody  but  his 
lordship."  From  that  day  forth  Lord  Coningsby  was  called 
"Atterbury's  Pad."    [11] 

"Grace  before  Meat." 

The  Rev.  M  J ,  Congregational  minister  of  Lewisham, 

had  two  friends  who  were  visiting  at  his  house  one  evening.  The 
supper  consisted  of  a  pie  which  was  not  too  large  for  four  persons, 
though  perhaps  too  large  for  such  a  meal  as  supper  ought  to  be. 
In  his  "grace"  Mr  J gratefully  said  : 

'*  One  pie  between  four  of  us. 
And  thank  the  Lord  there  are  no  more  of  us."     [20] 

Archbishop  Laud  was  a  man  of  short  stature.  Charles  I.  and 
the  archbishop  were  one  day  about  to  sit  down  to  dinner  together, 
when  it  was  agreed  that  Archer,  the  king's  jester,  should  say 
grace  for  them,  which  he  did  as  follows  :  "  Great  praise  be  given 
to  God,  but  Uttle  lav.d  to  the  devil."    [11] 

One  day  when  Dr  Johnson  was  speaking  upon  the  subject,  I 
asked  him  if  he   ever  huffed  his   wife  about  his  dinner?     "So 


122  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

often,"  he  replied,  "that  at  last  she  called  to  me,  when  I  was 
about  to  say  grace,  and  said,  '  Nay,  hold,  Mr  Johnson,  and  do  not 
make  a  farce  of  thanking  God  for  a  dinner  which  in  a  few  minutes 
you  will  protest  not  eatable.'  "    [9] 

One  for  Jehu  and  Two  for  Himself. 

On  the  road  to  Epsom,  a  moustached  youth,  on  the  top  of  a  drag, 
evidently  ambitious  of  being  mistaken  for  "an  officer,"  thus 
saluted  a  fat  coachman,  who  was  gravely  driving  his  master  and 
family — "Halloa,  you  sir  !  where's  your  shirt -collar  ?  How  dare 
you  come  to  the  Derby  without  a  shirt-collar  ? "  Jehu  growled 
forth,  without  lifting  his  eyes  from  his  horses — "  'Ow  the  dooce 
could  I  have  a  shirt-collar,  when  your  mother  hasn't  sent  home 
my  washing  ! " 

No  Inoculation  Needed. 

"  I  believe  the  jury  have  been  inoculated  with  stupidity,"  said 
a  lawyer.  "That  may  be,"  said  his  opponent,  "but  the  bar  are 
of  opinion  that  you  were  born  with  it." 

The  Moods  and  Tenses  of  the  Money  Lender. 

A  schoolmaster,  describing  a  money-lender,  says,  "He  serves 
you  in  the  present  tense,  he  lends  you  in  the  conditional  mood, 
keeps  you  in  the  subjunctive,  and  ruins  you  in  the  future." 

"  Second  Childhood." 

Two  gentlemen  were  dining  at  a  restaurant  the  other  night. 
The  "lamb"  that  they  had  ordered  was  particularly  tough. 
Jones  called  the  waiter.  "  What  is  this  meat  you  have  given 
us?"  "Lamb,  sir."  "You  are  quite  sure  it's  lamb,  and  not 
mutton  ?  "  "  Oh  certainly,  sir."  "  H'm  I  Oh,  yes,  I  see.  A  case 
of  second  childhood,  probably." 

A  "  Friendly  "  Attitude. 

A  Quaker,  driving  in  a  single-horse  chaise  up  a  green  lane  that 
leads  from  Newington  Green  to  Hornsey,  happened  to  meet  with 
a  young  man,  who  was  also  in  a  single-horse  chaise.  There  was 
not  room  enough  for  them  to  pass  each  other,  unless  one  of  them 
would  back  his  carriage,  which  they  both  refused. 

"I'll  not  make  way  for  you,"  says  the  young  fellow,  with  an 
oath. 

"I  think  I  am  older  than  thou  art,"  said  the  Quaker,  "and 
therefore  have  a  right  to  expect  thee  to  make  way  for  me. " 


EXGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  123 

•'  I  won't,"  resumed  the  first.  He  then  pulled  out  a  newspaper 
and  began  to  read,  as  he  sat  still  in  his  chaise. 

The  Quaker,  observing  him,  pulled  a  pipe  and  some  tobacco 
from  his  pocket,  lighted  his  pipe,  and  sat  and  puffed  away  very 
comfortably.  "Friend,"  said  he,  "when  thou  hast  read  that 
paper  I  should  be  glad  if  thou  wouldst  lend  it  me."  The  young 
man  gave  up  the  contest. 

Holding  for  the  Rise. 

A  wag,  passing  through  a  country  town  early  in  the  nineteenth 
century,  observed  a  fellow  placed  in  the  stocks.  "  My  friend," 
said  he,  "I  advise  you  by  all  means  to  sell  out."  "  I  should  have 
no  objection,  your  honour,"  he  replied,  drily,  "  but  at  present  they 
seem  much  too  loio." 

Ministerial  Exchanges. 

At  the  bishop's  visitation,  held  recently  at  Appleby,  the  fol- 
lowing dialogue  was  overheard  between  two  youngsters  : — Jack : 
"  I  say,  Bill,  what's  the  meanin'  o'  so  mony  parsons  bein'  here  ?" 
Bill :  "  Wie  !  they  meets  yance  a  year  to  change  sarmons." 

Sectarian  Repartee. 

Soon  after  Mr  Lucas,  late  M.P.  for  Meath,  had  abjured  Quaker- 
ism, he  was  encountered  by  John  Bright,  M.P.  for  Manchester, 
who  exclaimed,  "Well,  Friend  Lucas,  how  dost  thee  like  thy  new 
superstition?"  "Why,  Friend  Bright,"  retorted  Mr  Lucas,  "I 
like  it  better  than  I  did  our  old  hji^ocrisy  ! " 

"  Moods  "  and  "  Cases  "  from  a  Schoolboy's  Life. 

A  few  days  ago  a  day  scholar  belonging  to  the  grammar-school 
in  this  town  was  passing  through  the  market-place  with  a  satchel 
on  his  back.  He  looked  longingly  into  a  pastrycook's  shop,  when 
a  gentleman  came  up  and  said  to  him,  "I  suppose,  my  lad,  you 
are  in  the  optative  mood.''  "Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  boy,  "and  I 
hope  you  are  in  the  dative  case."  The  boy  got  a  shilling  for  his 
quickness.      [6] 

A  Sailor's  Explanation  of  Etiquette. 

As  George  III.,  King  of  Great  Britain,  was  walking  the  quarter- 
deck of  one  of  his  men-of-war  with  his  hat  on,  a  sailor  asked  his 
messmate  "  who  that  lubberly  fellow  was  that  did  not  dowse  his 
peak  to  the  Admiral  ? "    "Why,  it's  the  king,"  said  Jack.    "  Well, 


124  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

king  or  no  king,"  retorts  the  other,  "he's  an  unmannerly  dog." 
"  Lord,  where  should  he  learn  manners  ?  "  replied  Jack,  "  he  never 
was  out  of  sight  of  land  in  his  Hfe." 

A  Funny  Announcement. 

A  lady  in  London  had  an  owl,  which  being  brought  into  the 
parlour,  she  said,  "  He  looks  very  grave,  poor  fellow  ;  he  is  like 
a  judge."  So  she  called  him  Lord  Eldon.  A  day  or  two  after, 
the  servant  came  into  the  parlour,  saying  to  her  mistress  before 
the  company,  * '  Please  ma'am.  Lord  Eldon  has  laid  an  egg. " 

Certain  Death  Either  Way. 

One  of  the  most  ludicrous  misprints,  to  pass  an  editor's  revision, 
upon  record,  occurs  in  a  number  of  the  Quarterly  Revieic.  A 
writer  has  occasion  to  transcribe  Dryden's  celebrated  portrait  of 
a  country  parson,  supposed  to  be  a  picture  of  Bishop  Ken  : — 

"  A  parish  priest  was  of  the  pilgrim  train  ; 
An  awful,  reverend,  and  religious  man. 
Of  sixty  years  he  seemed,  and  well  might  last 
To  sixty  more,  but  that  he  lived  to  fast." 

The  Quarterly  Revieic  prints  the  last  line — 

".      .     .      .     but  that  he  lived  too  fast." 

Saving  Him  from  His  Rashness. 

One  evening,  in  the  olden  time,  at  Haddon  Hall,  an  impudent 
young  fellow,  who  was,  however,  old  enough  to  know  better,  had, 
by  some  extraordinary  chance,  got  a  pretty  Quakeress  into  a  sly 
corner,  under  the  mistletoe,  and  said  he  should  not  think  of 
parting  without  giving  her  a  kiss.     "Friend,"  said  she,  "thee 

must  not  do  it."     "I'm  d d  if   I  don't,  though,"  said  he. 

"  Well,  friend,  as  thee  hast  sworn,  thee  may  do  it,  but  thee  must 
not  make  a  practice  of  it." 

Sin  and  its  Size. 

When  a  violin  was  first  introduced  into  the  choir  of  a  certain 
church,  the  innovation  gave  great  offence  to  some  of  the  worthy 
pamhionei's.  Especially  was  the  player  of  the  bass  viol  exercised 
with  sorrow  and  indignation  when  the  frivolous  and  profane  fiddle 
first  took  its  place  in  the  house  of  God  by  the  side  of  his  sedate 
and  portly  instrument.  He  accordingly  laid  his  case  before  the 
parson ;  who,  aft^r  listening  soberly  to  his  complaint,  replied, 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  125 

"  It  may  be  as  you  say,  sir.  I  don't  know  but  you  are  right ;  but 
if  you  are,  it  strikes  me  the  greater  the  fiddle  the  greater  the 
sin  !  " 

Afraid  to  Venture, 
Leigh  Hunt  was  asked  by  a  lady,  at  dessert,  if  he  would  venture 
upon  an  orange.     "  Madam,  I  should  be  happy  to  do  so,  but  I  am 
afraid  I  should  tumble  off." 

Beginning  Too  Eaxly. 
A  good  tale  is  told  of  the  clerk  at  a  little  village  church  near 
Taunton.  At  this  church  the  service  is  never  commenced  on 
Sunday  mornings  until  the  "squire"  has  taken  his  seat.  One 
Sunday,  however,  this  gentleman  happened  to  be  late,  and  a 
neighbouring  clergyman,  not  acquainted  with  the  ways  of  the 
place,  was  doing  duty.     So  he  commenced,  as  usual,  with  "When 

the  wicked  man "     He  had  proceeded  no  further  when  up 

jumped  the  clerk,  bawling  out,  "Stop  stop,  sir.  he's  not  come 
yet." 

A  Trade  Distinction,  with  Little  Diflference. 

A  certain  shopkeeper  had  for  his  virtue  obtained  the  name  of 
the  "  little  rascal. "  A  stranger  asked  him  why  this  appellation 
had  been  given  to  him  ?  "To  distinguish  me  from  the  rest  of  my 
trade,"  quoth  he,  "  who  are  all  great  rascals." 

Tight-lacing  "  Good  "  for  Consumption. 

"Doctor,  do  you  think  tight-lacing  is  bad  for  consumption?"^ 
"Not  at  all — it  is  what  it  lives  on."  The  doctor's  reply  was  wise 
as  well  as  witty. 

Boasting  of  Treasure  before  a  Rothsclilld. 

It  is  recorded  of  a  young  fop  who  visited  ov^  of  the  Rothschilds,, 
that  he  was  so  proud  of  his  malachite  sleeve-buttons,  that  he 
insisted  upon  exhibiting  them  to  his  host.  The  latter  looked  at 
them,  and  said,  "  Yes,  it  is  a  pretty  stone  ;  I  have  always  liked  it. 
I  have  a  mantelpiece  made  of  it  in  the  next  room  !  " 

A  Qualifying  Proposal. 

It  is,  or  was,  usual  to  designate  Parliamentary  committees  by 
the  names  of  the  Bills  which  they  met  to  consider.  About  sixty 
years  ago  a  Bill  was  introduced  into  the  House  of  Lords  for  en- 
closing the  lands  in  the  parish  of  Great  Snoring,  in  the  county  of 


126  E  VER YBOD  Y'S  BOOK  OF 

Norfolk,  and  was  in  regular  course  committed  to  a  select  com- 
mittee. It  was  sometimes  a  practice  to  move  that  on  a  select 
committee  all  the  Lords  who  attend  it  shall  have  voices  ;  and 
Lord  Eldon,  then  Lord  Chancellor,  one  day  rose  with  the  greatest 
gravity  and  said  :  "I  reqviest  your  lordships'  serious  attention  to 
the  motion  I  am  about  to  put.  It  is  that  all  the  Lords  who  attend 
the  Great  Snoring  Committee  shall  have  voices." 

"Seven,"  and  "Eleven,"  at  Dr  KitcMner's. 
The  most  celebrated  wits  of  the  day  graced  the  dinner- 
table  of  the  late  Dr  Kitchiner,  and  among  others  the  late 
George  Colman,  who  was  an  especial  favourite.  His  interpolation 
of  a  little  monosyllable  in  a  written  admonition  which  the  Doctor 
caused  to  be  placed  on  the  mantel-piece  of  the  dining-parlour, 
^vill  never  be  forgotten,  and  was  the  origin  of  such  a  drinking 
bout  as  was  seldom  permitted  under  his  roof.  The  caution  ran 
thus:  "Come  at  seven,  go  at  eleven."  Colman  briefly  altered 
the  sense  of  it ;  for  upon  the  Doctor's  attention  being  directed  to 
the  card,  he  read,  to  his  astonishment,  "  Come  at  seven,  go  it 
at  eleven  !  "  which  the  guests  did,  and  the  claret  was  punished 
accordingly. 

"Also "  and  "Likewise  " — A  "Friendly  "  Exposition. 

A  counsal  once  of  talents  vain, 

A  quaker  rudely  treated. 
Who  often  in  his  story  plain. 

The  word,  also,  repeated. 

"Also,"  said  Brief,  with  sneering  wit, 

"  Won't  '  likewise  '  do  as  well?" 
"  No,  friend  ;  but  if  thou  ^vilt  permit, 

Their  difference  I  will  tell. 

"Seariett's  a  counsel  learnM,  we  know, 

Whose  talents  oft  surprise  ; 
Tliod  art  a  counsel,  fx-iend,  0/50, 

But  surely  not  lil-e-i'-ise." 

An  Up  and  Down  Reply. 

During  the  examination  of  a  \s-itness,  as  to  the  locality  of  staii*s 
in  a  house,  the  counsel  asked  him—"  Which  way  the  stairs  ran  ?" 
The  \ritness,  who,  by  the  way,  was  a  noted  wag,  replied  that 
"One  way  they  ran  upstairs,  but  the  other  way  they  ran  down 
stairs. " 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  127 

The  learned  counsel  winked  both  eyes  and  then  took  a  look  at 
the  ceiling. 

Wisdom  whicli  was  Acquired — not  Hereditary. 
''If  I  were  so  unlucky,"  said  an  officer,  "  as  to  have  a  stupid 
son,  I  would  certainly,  by  all  means,  make  him  a  parson."    A 
clergj-man  who  was  in  the  company,  calmly  replied,  "  You  think 
differently,  sir,  from  your  father." 

"  Commentators  "  Disagreeing  with  the  Parsons. 

A  clergyman  in  the  course  of  an  argumentative  sermon  found 
it  necessary  to  express  his  disagreement,  upon  some  doctrinal 
point,  with  those  who  had  published  explanations  of  the  passage 
in  question;  he  accordingly  sj)oke  as  follows:  "Commentators, 
for  the  most  part,  do  not  agree  with  me."  A  farmer,  in  the 
parish,  who  had  listened  to  the  discourse,  appeared  the  next 
morning  in  the  clergyman's  study,  bringing  with  him  a  sack  of 
portly  dimensions,  which  he  begged  the  rector  to  accept,  telling 
him  at  the  same  time,  that  "  he  had  heard  him  say,  in  his  sermon, 
that  common  iafers  did  not  agree  with  him,  and  so  he  had  brought 
him  a  sack  of  his  best  Kidneys." 

Sam  Deacon's  Ugly  Carriage. 
Mr  Samuel  Deacon,  a  most  respectable  Baptist  minister,  who 
resided  at  Barton  in  Leicestershire,  was  not  peculiarly  happy  in 
his  cast  of  countenance  or  general  appearance.     Conscious  of  the 
silly  ridicule  his  unprepossessing  exterior  occasionally  exerted,  he 
made  the  following  good-humoured,  quaint  epigram  on  himself  : — 
•'  The  carcase  that  3-ou  look  at  so, 
Is  not  Sam  Deacon,  you  must  know. 
But  'tis  the  carriage— the  machine 
Which  Samuel  Deacon  rideth  in."    [11] 

A  Retort  not  Understood — Perhaps. 

A  lover  of  music  having  bored  a  friend,  who  called  on  him,  with 
a  number  of  sonatas  and  other  pieces  on  the  fiddle,  observed  to 
his  friend  that  they  were  all  of  them  extremely  difficult.  His 
friend,  who  had  been  wearied  with  the  performance,  drily  replied, 
"  I  wish  they  had  been  impossible." 

Lord  Chesterfield  and  the  Dirty  Dishes. 
Lord  Chesterfield   one  day,  at  an  inn  where  he  dined,  com- 
plained verj'  much  that  the  olates  and  dishes  were  very  dirty.     The 


128  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

■Kilter,  with  a  degree  of  pertness,  observed,  "It  is  said  that 
every  one  must  eat  a  peck  of  dirt  before  he  dies."  "  That  may  be 
tnie,"  said  Chesterfield,  "but  no  one  is  obliged  to  eat  it  all  at  one 
meal." 

Interesting  Conundrum— for  Asses  and  Commercial  Travellers. 

In  the  days  of  mail-coaches,  a  loquacious  bagman  and  a  priest 
happened  to  travel  "insides,"  the  rest  of  the  company  consist- 
ing of  two  young  ladies.  Desirous  of  showing  oif  his  wit,  the 
traveller  chose  the  priest  for  his  butt,  and  among  other  things 
proposed  the  question,  ' '  What  is  the  difference  between  an  ass 
and  a  priest  ? "  His  reverence,  after  some  thought,  gave  it  up. 
"  Why,"  said  the  triumphant  commercial,  "  the  priest  has  a  cross 
on  his  breast,  whilst  the  ass  has  one  on  his  back."  "  Very  good," 
smiled  the  priest.  "Now,  allow  me  to  propose  a  riddle  in  my 
turn.  What  is  the  difiference  between  a  commercial  traveller  and 
an  ass?"  The  bagman  made  several  guesses,  but  at  last  was 
compelled  to  admit  he  "did  not  know,"  "Nor  I  either,"  was 
the  calm  retort.     [11] 

A  Pennyworth  of  Figs. 

Abernethy,  while  canvassing  for  the  office  of  surgeon  to  St 
Bartholomew's  Hospital,  called  upon  a  rich  gi'ocer.  "I  suppose, 
sir,"  said  the  grocer,  with  much  importance,  "  you  want  my  vote 
and  interest  at  this  momentous  epoch  of  your  life?"  "No,  I 
don't,"  said  Abernethy,  "I  want  a  pennyworth  of  figs;  come, 
look  sharp  and  wrap  them  up,  for  I  want  to  be  oflF." 

A  Pretty  Retort. 

A  lady,  one  day  in  convei-sation  with  Garrick,  said,  "Dear  sir, 
I  ^-ish  you  were  a  little  taller;"  to  which  he  replied,  "My 
dear  madam,  how  happy  should  I  be,  did  I  stand  higher  in  your 
estimation." 

Piety  whicli  is  Not  Religious. 
Tom  Hood,  on  hearing  the  piety  of  a  very  loquacious  lady 
spoken  of,  said,  "  Yes,  she  is  well  known  for  her  mag-piety." 

A  Well-timed  Reply. 

A  certain  reprobate  buck-parson  going  to  read  prayers  at  a 

remote  village  in  the  west  of  England,   found  great  difficulty 

in   putting   on   the   surplice,   which   was   an   old-fashioned   one. 

*' D n  this  old  surplice,"  said  he  to  the  clerk,  "I  think  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  129 

d 1  is  in  it."    The  astonished  clerk  waited  till  the  parson  had 

got  it  on,  and  then  sarcastically  answered,  "  I  think  as  how  he  is, 
zir!"    [11] 

Suet  or  Dripping  ? 

A  gentleman  called  one  evening  to  see  Suett,  the  comedian,  at 
the  stage  door  of  the  theatre  at  which  the  actor  was  engaged. 
Suett  not  being  in  the  theatre,  the  gentleman — to  whom  the 
actor's  person  was  unknown — resolved  to  wait.  Presently  the 
actor  came  in,  drenched  with  the  rain,  which  was  falling  heavily. 

"  Pray,  sir,"  said  the  gentleman,  "are  you  Suett  ?  "  "  Egad," 
was  the  reply,  ' '  I  rather  think  I'm  dnpjping. " 

The  Promise  of  the  God-parents. 

One  of  the  candidates  for  confirmation  at  a  bishop's  visitation, 
on  being  asked  by  the  clergyman  to  whom  she  applied  for  her 
certificate  of  qualification,  what  her  godfathers  and  god-mothers 
promised  for  her,  said  with  much  naivete  :  "I've  a  yeard  that 
they  promised  to  give  me  hafe-a-dozen  zilver  spoons,  but  I've 
never  had  'em,  though." 

An  Unanswerable  Argument. 

"  No  cows,  no  cream,"  was  the  way  a  compositor  set  up  the 
words,  "  No  cross,  no  crown." 

"  Do  you  Smoke,  Sir  ?  " 

"Do  you  smoke,  sir?"  said  a  London  sharper  to  a  country 
gentleman,  whom  he  met  in  a  cofifee-house,  and  with  whom  he 
wished  to  scrape  acquaintance, 

"Yes,"  said  the  other,  with  a  cool,  steady  eye,  anyone  who 
has  a  design  upon  me." 

An  Excellent  Memory,  or  "  Remembering  to  do  Good." 

The  following  anecdote  will  prove  that  Fuller's  heart  was  as 
good  as  his  memory.  The  reverend  gentleman  making  a  visit 
to  the  Committee  of  Sequestrators  sitting  at  Waltham  in  Essex, 
they  soon  fell  into  a  discourse  and  commendation  of  his  great 
memory,  to  which  he  replied,  "  'Tis  true,  gentlemen,  that  fame 
has  given  me  the  report  of  a  memorist,  and,  if  you  please,  I  will 
give  you  a  specimen  of  it."  They  all  accepted  the  proposal,  and 
told  him  they  should  look  upon  it  as  a  favour,  requesting  him  to 
begin.  "  Gentlemen,"  said  Fuller,  "  you  want  a  specimen  of  my 
memory,  and  you  shall  have  a  good  one,      Your  worships  have 


130  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

thought  it  fit  to  sequestrate  a  poor  but  honest  parson,  who  is 
my  near  neighbour,  and  commit  him  to  prison.  The  unfortimate 
man  has  a  large  family  of  children,  and  as  his  circumstances  are 
but  indifferent,  if  you  will  have  the  goodness  to  release  him  out 
of  prison,  I  pledge  myself  never  to  forget  the  kindness  while  I 
live."  It  is  said  that  this  jest  had  such  an  influence  on  the 
committee,  that  they  immediately  released  the  poor  clergyman, 
and  restored  him  to  his  benefice.     [11] 

"  Grandfather's  Coat." 

A  spendthrift,  who  had  wasted  nearly  all  his  patrimony,  seeing 
an  acquaintance  in  a  coat  not  of  the  newest  cut,  told  him  he 
thought  it  had  been  his  great-grandfather's  coat.  "So  it  was," 
said  the  gentleman;  "and  I  also  have  my  great-grandfather's 
land,  which  is  more  than  you  can  say." 

"  Didn't  Ee  Want  to  Go  to  Heaven  ?  " 

A  college  student  was  invited  one  Sunday  to  occupy  the  pulpit 
in  a  little  country  church.  After  what  he  considered  a  masterly 
effort  on  the  subject  of  "  Lazarus  and  the  rich  man,"  he  called  on 
a  good  old  brother  to  pray,  and  was  somewhat  electrified  to  hear 
the  following  :  "  0  Lord  !  we  thank  thee  that  we  are  not  like 
this  poor  despised  beggar  Lazanas,  who  we've  just  been  listenin' 
to!" 

A  Little  Swearing. 

A  bishop  being  at  his  seat  in  the  country,  where  the  roads 
were  uncommonly  bad,  went  to  pay  a  visit  to  a  person  of  quality 
in  the  neighbourhood,  when  his  coach  was  overturned  in  a  slough, 
whence  the  servants  were  unable  to  extricate  it.  As  it  was  far 
from  any  house,  and  the  weather  bad,  the  coachman  at  last  told 
his  master  he  believed  they  must  stay  there  all  night,  "  for,"  said 
he,  "while  your  grace  is  present, "^I  cannot  make  the  horses 
move."  Astonished  at  this  strange  assertion,  his  lordship  desired 
him  to  explain  himself.  "  It  is,"  said  the  man,  "  because  I  dare 
not  swear  in  your  presence  ;  and  if  I  don't,  we  shall  never  get 
clear."  The  bishop,  finding  nothing  could  be  done  if  the  servant 
was  not  humoured,  replied,  "Well,  then,  swear  a  little,  but  not 
much."  The  coachman  made  use  of  his  permission,  and  the 
horses,  accustomed  to  this  kind  of  language,  soon  set  the  coach 
at  liberty.    [11] 

Bunyan's  Test  for  a  False  Prophet. 
A  Quaker  called  upon  Bunyan  in  gaol  one  day,  with  what  he 
professed  to  be  a  message  from  the  Lord.     "  After  searching  for 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  131 

thee,"  said  he,  "  in  half  the  gaols  of  England,  I  am  glad  to  find 
thee  at  last."  "  If  the  Lord  sent  thee,"  said  Bunyan,  sarcastically, 
"you  would  not  have  needed  to  take  so  much  trouble  to  find  me 
out,  for  He  knows  that  I  have  been  in  Bedford  gaol  these  seven 
years  past."    [12] 

He  Didn't  Know  Everything. 

Mr  Hissey  relates  an  experience  on  the  road  which  had  its  comi- 
cal aspect,  aside  from  its  provoking  incivility.  He  came  upon 
two  men  filling  a  well  with  water  from  casks  in  a  cart.  As  it 
struck  him  that  this  "  carrying  coals  to  Newcastle  "  was  a  curious 
sort  of  proceeding,  he  pulled  up  to  make  inquires  as  to  the  object 
of  doing  this.  The  well  appeared  to  be  an  old  one,  and  the 
weather  had  not  of  late  been  partictdarly  dry,  so  we  were  natur- 
ally surprised  at  the  rare  sight. 

"Anything  the  matter  with  the  wen?"  we  exclaimed.  "We 
always  thought  that  water  was  got  from  wells,  not  put  into 
them." 

To  which  we  received  the  somewhat  curt  reply  :  "  Perhaps  you 
comes  from  London  town  ?  " 

We  acknowledged  the  fact. 

"Ah,  I  thought  so  !  You  Londoners  are  very  clever  fellows — 
thinks  as  how  you  knows  everything.     Now  you  sees  you  don't." 

An  Apt  Scripture  Quotation. 

"  Did  I  not  give  you  a  flogging  the  other  day  ?  "  said  a  school- 
master to  a  trembling  boy. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  answered  the  boy. 

"  Well,  what  do  the  scriptures  say  upon  the  subject  ?  " 

"I  don't  know,  sir,"  said  the  boy  ;  "except  it  is,  'It's  more 
blessed  to  give  than  to  receive.'  " 

The  King,  Lord  Chesterfield,  and — The  Devil. 

Soon  after  Lord  Chesterfield  came  into  the  Privy  Council,  a 
place  of  great  trust  happened  to  become  vacant,  to  which  his 
Majesty  (George  II.)  and  the  Duke  of  Dorset  recommended  two 
different  persons.  The  King  espoused  the  interest  of  his  friend 
with  some  heat,  but  not  being  able  to  carry  his  point,  left  the 
Council-chamber  in  great  displeasure.  As  soon  as  he  retired,  the 
matter  was  warmly  debated,  but  at  length  carried  against  the 
King.  However,  in  the  humour  the  King  then  was,  a  question 
arose  as  to  who  should  carry  the  grant  of  the  ofiice  for  the  royal 
e2 


132  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

signature,  and  the  lot  fell  upon  Chesterfield.  His  lordship  found 
his  sovereign  in  a  very  unfavourable  mood  ;  he  therefore  pru- 
dently forbore  incensing  him  by  an  abrupt  request,  and  instead 
of  bluntly  asking  him  to  sign  the  instrument,  very  submissively 
requested  to  know  whose  name  his  Majesty  would  have  inserted 
to  fill  up  the  blanks.  The  King  answered  in  a  passion,  "The 
devil's,  if  you  will."  "Very  well,"  replied  the  Earl ;  "  but  would 
your  Majesty  have  the  instrument  run  in  the  usual  style — 'Our 
trusty  and  well-beloved  cousin  and  Counsellor '  ? "  The  monarch 
laughed,  and  signed  the  paper. 

Graceful  Criticism. 
The  celebrated  Dr  Balguy,  author  of  the  work  on  "  Divine 
Benevolence,"  after  having  delivered  an  exceeding  good  discourse 
at  Winchester  Cathedral,  the  text  of  which  was,  "All  wisdom  is 
sorrow,"  received  the  following  elegant  compliment  from  Dr 
Watson,  then  as  Winchester  School : — 

* '  If  what  you  advance,  dear  doctor,  be  true, 

'  That  '  wisdom  is  sorrow,'  how  wretched  are  you  !  "     [11] 

Clergymen  and  Corkscrews. 

The  Earl  of  Sandwich,  known  by  the  name  of  "Jemmy 
Twitcher,"  who  was  noted  for  making  pretty  free  with  the  clerical 
cloth,  being  in  a  large  company  where  there  were  ten  clergymen 
present,  secretly  offered  a  considerable  bet  to  the  gentleman  who 
sat  next  him,  that  there  was  not  a  single  prayer-book  in  the  pocket 
of  any  of  the  parsons.  The  wager  being  accepted,  a  pretended 
dispute  respecting  some  Article  in  the  Chxirch  Service  gave  occa- 
sion to  an  inquiry  for  a  prayer-book,  but  none  of  the  clergymen 
could  produce  one.  A  little  later,  the  Earl  privately  offered 
another  bet  to  the  same  amount,  that  there  was  not  among  the 
ten  parsons  a  single  one  of  them  without  a  corkscrew.  This 
wager  was  accepted ;  and  the  butler,  being  properly  instructed, 
presently  entered  the  room  with  a  bottle  of  claret  and  a  broken 
corkscrew,  requesting  the  favour  of  any  gentleman  who  had 
such  a  thing,  to  lend  it  to  him,  when,  in  an  instant,  each  of  the 
ten  parsons  pulled  a  corkscrew  out  of  his  pocket.    [11] 

Pitt  and  Possible  Invasion. 

The  following  anecdote  is  recorded  in  Lord  Stanhope's  Life  of 
Pitt : — A  pleasantry  of  Pitt  has  been  preserved  by  tradition.  It 
seems  that  one  battalion  of  volunteers  which  he  was  forming,  or 
in  the  formation  of  which  he  was  consulted,  did  not  show  the 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  133 

same  readiness  as  that  displayed  by  the  rest.  Their  draft  rules, 
which  they  sent  to  Pitt,  were  full  of  cautions  and  reserves.  The 
words,  "except  in  the  case  of  actual  invasion,"  were  constantly 
occurring.  At  length  came  a  clause  that  at  no  time,  and  on  no 
account  whatever,  were  they  to  be  sent  out  of  the  country.  Pitt 
here  lost  patience,  and,  taking  up  his  pen,  he  wrote  opposite  to 
that  clause  in  the  draft  the  same  words  as  he  had  read  in  the 
preceding    "  Except  in  the  case  of  actual  invasion."    [13] 

The  Lady  and  the  Flay. 

A  lady  who  had  written  a  play  sent  it  to  a  manager  of  a 
theatre  with  a  very  civil  message,  offering  it  to  him  for  nothing. 
He  observed,  "  She  knew  the  exact  value  of  it." 

"  Lapsus  Linguae  " — Or  the  Dangers  of  Imitation. 

A  gentleman's  servant  bringing  into  the  dining-room  (where  a 
dinner  party  was  assembled)  a  boiled  tongue,  tripped  on  the  floor, 
and  caused  the  tongue  to  roll  off  the  dish.  The  master  of  the 
house,  not  the  least  affected  by  the  accident,  soon  removed  the 
embarrassment  of  his  guests,  as  well  as  of  the  servant,  by  saying 
with  much  good  humour,  "There's  no  harm  done,  gentlemen,  it 
is  merely  a  lapsus  lingnce."  This  fortunate  jeu-de-mot  excited 
much  merriment. 

A  gentleman  present,  struck  with  the  happy  effect  of  this 
stroke  of  wit,  was  determined  to  let  off  the  ]oke  himself.  He 
in\-ited  a  large  party,  and  when  they  were  all  assembled  he 
directed  his  servant  to  let  a  piece  of  roast  beef  fall  on  the  floor. 
"Never  mind,"  cried  the  host,  "it  is  only  a  lapsus  linguae." 

"Saving"  the  Dinner. 

The  dinner  daily  prepared  for  the  royal  chaplains  at  St  James's 
was  reprieved  for  a  time  from  suspension  by  an  effort  of  wit.  King 
Charles  II.  had  appointed  a  day  for  dining  with  his  chaplains, 
before  an  end  should  be  put  to  those  dinners.  It  was  Dr  South's 
turn  to  say  grace,  and  whenever  the  king  thus  honoured  his 
chaplains,  the  prescribed  formula  ran  thus  :  "  God  save  the  King, 
and  bless  the  dinner."  Our  witty  divine  took  the  liberty  of 
transposing  the  words  by  saying,  "God  bless  the  King,  and  save 
the  dinner."  "  It  shall  be  saved,"  said  the  king,  and  he  kept  his 
word.     [11] 

Ill-constructed  Sentences. 

The  following  are  whimsical  instances  of  erroneous  construction 
of  sentences  : — In  the  narrative  of  an  incident  some  time  since,  it 


134  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

was  stated  that  "  A  poor  old  woman  was  run  over  by  a  cart  aged 
sixty."  So,  in  a  case  of  supposed  poisoning,  a  witness  said  :  "  He 
had  something  in  a  blue  paper  in  his  hand,  and  I  saw  him  put  his 
head  over  the  pot,  and  put  it  in  !  "  Another,  swallowing  a  base 
coin:  "He  snatched  the  half-crown  from  the  boy,  which  he 
swallowed."  An  old  fellow,  who  had  for  many  years  sold 
combustible  matches  in  London,  had  the  following  cry  :  "  Buy  a 
pennyworth  of  matches  of  a  poor  old  man,  made  of  foreign 
wood  ! " 

Sydney  Smith  and  his  Portrait. 

It  is  recorded  of  Sydney  Smith  that  he  was  once  asked  by 
Landseer,  the  celebrated  animal  painter,  to  sit  for  his  portrait. 
"  Is  thy  servant  a  dog  that  he  should  do  this  ?  "  was  the  reply  of 
the  witty  divine. 

Boyal  Precedence. 

One  day  at  the  table  of  George  the  Fourth,  when  Prince 
Regent,  the  royal  host  said,  "Why,  Colman,  you  are  older  than 
lam!"  "Oh  no,  sir,"  replied  Colman,  "I  could  not  take  the 
liberty  of  coming  into  the  world  before  your  Royal  Highness  !  " 

Charles  Kean  and  his  Critic. 

During  one  of  Charles  Kean's  visits  to  the  United  States,  he 
was  entertained  at  dinner  by  one  of  the  great  New  York  mer- 
chants. Opposite  to  him  at  table  there  sat  a  gentleman,  who 
continued  to  observe  him  with  marked  attention,  and  at  last 
called  on  the  host  to  present  him  to  Mr  Kean.  The  introduction 
was  duly  made  and  ratified  by  drinking  wine  together  ;  when  the 
stranger,  with  much  impressiveness  of  manner,  said,  "I  saw  you 
in  Richard  last  night."  Kean,  feeling,  not  unnaturally,  that  a 
compHment  was  approaching,  smiled  blandly  and  bowed.  ' '  Yes, 
sir,"  continued  the  other,  in  a  slow,  almost  judicial  tone,  "I 
have  seen  your  father  in  Richard  ;  and  I  saw  the  last  Mr  Cooke  ; " 
another  pause,  in  which  Charles  Kean's  triumph  was  gradually 
mounting  higher  and  higher.  "Yes,  sir,  Cooke,  sir,  was  better 
than  your  father  ;  and  your  father,  sir,  was  a  long  way  better  than 
you  !  " 

The  Paley  Family  Arms. 

"When  I  set  up  a  carriage,"  said  Dr  Paley,  "it  was  thought 
right  that  my  armorial  bearings  should  appear  on  the  panels. 
Now,  we  had  none  of  us  ever  heard  of  the  PaJey  arms  ;  none  of  us 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  135 

had  ever  dreamt  that  such  a  thing  existed,  or  had  ever  been. 
All  the  old  folks  of  the  family  were  consulted  ;  they  knew  nothing 
about  it.  Great  search  was  made,  however,  and  at  last  we  found 
a  silver  tankard,  on  which  was  engraved  a  coat  of  arms.  It  was 
carried  by  common  consent  that  these  must  be  the  family  arms,  so 
they  were  painted  on  the  carriage,  and  looked  very  handsome. 
The  carriage  went  on  very  well  with  them,  and  it  was  not  till  six 
months  afterwards,  that  w^e  found  out  that  the  tankard  had  been 
bought  at  a  sale. "    [11] 

New  Tliouglits  on  an  Old  Text. 

A  young  chaplain  of  Lord  I^Iulgrave's  had  preached  a  sermon 
of  great  length  before  his  lordship.  "  Sir,"  said  Lord  Mulgrave, 
bowing  to  him,  "there  were  some  things  in  your  sermon  of  to-day 
I  never  heard  before."  "Oh,  my  lord,"  said  the  flattered  chap- 
lain, "  it  is  a  common  text,  and  I  could  not  have  hoped  to  have 
said  anything  new  on  the  subject.  What  did  you  hear  for  the 
first  time?"  "I  heard  the  clock  strike  twice,"  said  Lord 
Mulgrave.     [15j 

Shaking  Hands  at  a  Duel. 

At  a  duel  the  combatants  discharged  their  pistols  without 
effect,  whereupon  one  of  the  seconds  interfered  and  proposed 
that  the  duellists  should  shake  hands.  To  this  the  other  second 
objected  as  unnecessary.  "Their  hands,"  said  he,  "have  been 
shaking  this  half -hour. " 

Sydney  Smith  and  "  A  Meeting  of  the  Clergy." 

It  is  related  of  Sydney  Smith  that  once  on  entering  a  drawing- 
room  in  a  West  End  mansion,  he  found  it  lined  with  mirrors  on 
all  sides.  Finding  himself  reflected  in  every  direction,  he  said 
that  he  "  supposed  he  was  at  a  meeting  of  the  clergy,  and  there 
seemed  to  be  a  very  respectable  attendance." 

"Going  By  "  the  "  Regulator  "  Coach. 

A  gentleman  was  one  day,  in  the  old  coaching  times,  travelling 
by  a  coach  which  moved  at  a  very  slow  pace.  "  Pray,"  said  he  to 
the  guard,  ' '  what  is  the  name  of  this  coach  ? "  "  The  Kegulator," 
was  the  reply.  "And  a  very  appropriate  name,  too,"  said  the 
traveller,  "  for  I  see  all  the  other  coaches  go  hy  it." 

Bishop  Law's  Rebuke  of  an  Indolent  Clergyman. 

One  of  the  parishes  of  the  county  of  Somerset  failing  to  be  as 
closely  attended  by  its  spiritual  shepherd  as  was  his  duty,  one 


136  E VER  YBOD  TS  BOOK  OF 

Sunday  morning  a  gentleman  rode  up  to  the  church  door,  and  not 
finding  it  open,  inqviired  for  the  clerk  or  sexton,  to  whom  he  put 
the  question  whether  there  would  be  any  service  that  morning  ? 
"Why,  now,  zur,"said  John,  "I  don't  think  there  wool.  We 
mus'n'  expect  measter  here  to-day  !  "  "Well,  never  mind  him," 
said  the  inquirer,  "  go  and  ring  the  bell ;  I  am  come  to  do  this 
day's  service."  John's  dutiful  instinct  being  sufficiently  alive  to 
the  command,  without  the  ceremony  of  first  learning  the  name 
and  quality  of  his  interlocutor,  the  grateful  bells  were  gladly 
heard,  and  soon  the  parishioners  flocked  to  the  church.  The 
stranger  proceeded  with  the  service,  and  delivered  a  discourse 
that  fully  convinced  his  admiring  hearers  that  there  was  no  lack 
of  reverend  qualifications  for  his  office.  Upon  his  departure,  the 
preacher  left  a  record  in  the  vestry -book,  under  the  proper  date, 
to  this  effect :  "  Divine  service  was  performed  here  this  day  by 
the  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells."  The  preacher  was  no  other  but 
Dr  Law,  the  bishop  of  the  diocese.     [11] 

'*  No  Effects  "  without  Causes. 

"So  poor ,  the  barrister,  is  dead,"  said  a  judge  in  the  nisi 

pHiis  court,  and  I  hear,  poor  fellow,  that  he  left  but  very  few 
effects."  "  Not  likely  that  he  could  leave  many,"  said  Lyndharst, 
with  a  knowing  look,  "  when  he  had  so  few  cmises." 

The  Puritan  and  the  Young  Lady's  Curls. 

A  Puritan  preacher  rebuked  a  young  girl,  who  had  just  been 
making  her  hair  into  ringlets.  "Ah,"  said  he,  "had  God  in- 
tended your  locks  to  be  curled.  He  would  have  curled  them  for 
you."  "When  I  was  an  infant,"  replied  the  damsel,  "He  did; 
but  now  I  am  grown  up.  He  thinks  I  am  able  to  do  it  myself." 

Any  Change  must  he  an  Improvement. 
"How  are  you  this  morning?"  said  Fawcett,  the  comedian, 
to  George  Frederick  Cooke.     "Not  at  all  myself,"  replied  the 
tragedian.     "Then  I  congratulate  you,"  replied  Fawcett,  "for, 
be  who  ever  else  you  will,  you  will  be  a  gainer  by  the  bargain." 

Dean  Sherlock's  "  Reasons." 

Dr  William  Sherlock,  Dean  of  St  Paul's,  and  Master  of  the 
Temple,  at  the  Revolution  of  1 688  was  greatly  embarrassed  how 
to  act.  The  government  gave  him  time  for  consideration,  and, 
overruled  by  his  wife's  entreaties,  he  took  the  oaths.  A  little 
while  after,   a  wag    seeing    him   handing  her  along  St  Paul>- 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  137 

Churchyard  (it  was  customary  at  that  time  to  lead  a  lady  by  the 
hand,  not  to  give  her  the  arm),  said  :  "  There  goes  Dr  Sherlock, 
with  his  reasons  for  taking  the  oaths  at  his  fingers'  ends."    [11] 

Scarcity  and  High  Prices. 

George  I.,  on  a  journey  to  Hanover,  stopped  at  a  village 
in  Holland,  and  while  horses  were  getting  ready  for  him,  he  asked 
for  two  or  three  eggs,  which  were  brought  him,  and  oiiarged 
a  hundred  florins.  "  How  is  this  ? "  said  the  king,  "  eggs  must  be 
very  scarce  here."  "Pardon  me,"  said  the  host,  "eggs  are 
plentiful  enough,  but  kings  are  scarce." 

An  Englishman's  Remark  on  a  Scotchman's  Tenacity. 

On  one  occasion,  during  a  debate  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
one  of  the  members  of  the  House  was  inquiring  for  a  representa- 
tive of  a  Scotch  county,  and  was  informed  that  he  had  left  his 
place.  "I  never  before,"  said  the  M.P.,  "knew  a  Scotchman 
quit  his  place."  "Except,"  added  a  friend  near  him — "except 
his  native  place." 

A  Keen  Thrust. 

King  Charles  II.  possessed  the  reputation  of  being  skilled  in 
naval  architecture.  Being  once  at  Chatham  to  view  a  ship  which 
had  just  been  completed,  he  asked  the  famous  Killig^ew  "if 
he  did  not  think  he  should  make  an  excellent  shipwright ! " 
Killigrew  replied  that  "he  always  thought  his  majesty  would 
have  done  better  at  any  trade  than  his  own  !  " 

Humbug  Defined. 

A  woman  was  being  examined  at  the  Old  Bailey  as  a  witness, 
when,  to  a  question  put  by  the  barrister,  Clarkson,  she  replied, 
"Don't  think  to  humbug  me, '  Upon  which  the  Recorder  said, 
"Answer  the  question  directly,  woman,  or  I  will  commit  you." 
"  Ay,"  said  Clarkson,  "  and  tell  us  w^hat  you  mean  by  humbug  ?  " 
"Why,"  replied  the  woman,  "if  I  was  to  tell  you,  Mr  Clarkson, 
that  the  Recorder  was  a  gentleman,  that  would  he  humbugging 
you,  and  the  court  too. " 

A  Bishop  on  Squinting. 

Dr  John  Thomas,  who  died  Bishop  of  Salisbury  in  1766,  was  a 
man  of  humour  and  drollery,  and  with  a  terrible  obliquity  in  his 
visual  rays.  One  day  he  was  entertaining  the  company  with  a 
humorous  account  of  some  man.     In  the  midst  of  his  story  he 


138  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

stopped  short,  and  said,  "The  fellow  squinted  most  hideously  ;" 
and  then  looking  round  and  squinting  in  every  variety  of  ugliness, 
he  added,  "And  I  hate  your  squinting  fellows."    [11] 

A  Musical  Wedding. 

John  Palmer,  the  actor,  appeared  one  day  at  rehearsal  in  great 
agitation.  Jack  Bannister  requested  to  know  what  was  the 
matter.  "  Why,  sir,  my  donkey  of  a  brother  was  married  yester- 
day to  a  penniless  girl  of  the  name  of  Sharp."  "  My  dear  friend," 
said  Bannister,  "  don't  fret,  it  was  a  musical  wedding — there  was 
a  flat  and  a  sharp." 

Easily  Altered. 
Charles  II.,  playing  tennis  with  a  dignified  prebend,  who  had 
struck  the  ball  well,  exclaimed  :  "  Not  a  bad  stroke  for  a  dean  !  " 
"I'd  give  it  the  stroke  of  a  hi^hop,"  said  Mr  Dean,  "if  your 
Majesty  pleases."    [11] 

"niingaBill." 
A  solicitor  who  had  a  remarkably  long  and  pointed  nose,  once 
told  a  lady,  that  if  she  did  not  immediately  settle  a  matter  which 
he  had  in  hand  against  her,  he  would  file  a  bill  against  her. 
"  Indeed,  sir,"  said  the  lady,  "  you  need  not  file  your  hill,  for  I  am 
sure  it  is  sharp  enough  already." 

Bonner's  Humour  respecting  the  Loss  of  his  own  Head. 
When  Hemy  YIII.  proposed  to  send  Bishop  Bonner  to  France, 
in  a  diplomatic  capacity,  the  king  told  him  that  he  must  speak  to 
the  French  monarch  in  a  very  lofty  tone,  at  the  same  time  in- 
structing him  what  to  say.  "Please  your  Majesty,"  quoth  the 
Bishop,  "if  I  should  hold  such  haughty  language.  King  Francis,  in 
all  probability,  would  order  my  head  to  be  chopped  off."  "  If  he 
dared  to  do  such  a  thing,"  cried  Henry,  "  I  would  chop  off  the 
heads  of  ten  thousand  Frenchmen  for  it."  "Truly,  .your  Ma- 
jesty," objected  Bonner,  "but,  perhaps,  not  one  of  those  heads 
woiUd  fit  my  shouldei-s."    [11] 

A  True  Bishop. 

Dr  Hough,  Bishop  of  Winchester,  was  remarkable  for  sweetness 
of  temper,  as  well  as  every  other  Christian  virtue,  of  which  the 
following  story  affords  a  pi-oof  : — A  young  gentleman,  whose 
family  had  been  well  acquainted  with  the  bishop,  in  making  the 
tour  of  England  before  he  went  aboard,  called  to  pay  his  respects 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  15S 

to  his  lordship  as  he  passed  by  his  seat  in  the  country.  It  hap- 
pened to  be  dinner-time,  and  the  room  full  of  company.  The 
bishop,  however,  received  him  with  much  familiarity ;  but  the 
servant  in  reaching  him  a  chair  threw  down  a  curious  weather- 
glass, that  had  cost  twenty  guineas,  and  broke  it.  The  gentle- 
man was  imder  infinite  concern,  and  began  to  make  an  apology 
for  being  himself  the  occasion  of  the  accident,  when  the  bishop 
with  great  good  humour  interrupted  him.  ' '  Be  under  no  concern, 
sir,"  said  his  lordship,  smiling,  *'as  lam  much  beholden  to  you 
for  it.  We  have  had  a  very  dry  season,  and  now  I  hope  we  shall 
have  rain.  I  never  saw  the  glass  so  loio  in  my  life."  Every  one 
was  pleased  with  the  humour  and  pleasantry  of  the  turn,  and 
more  so,  as  his  lordship  was  then  more  than  eighty,  a  time  of  life 
when  the  infirmities  of  old  age  make  most  men  peevish  and 
hasty.     [11] 

An  Inspiring  Hearer. 
"Well,  Jackson,"  said  a  minister,  walking  homewards  after 
service  with  an  industrious  labourer,  who  was  a  constant  attendant 
at  church, — "Well,  Jackson,  Sunday  must  be  a  blessed  day  of 
rest  to  you,  who  work  so  hard  all  the  week  !  And  yoix  make  good 
use  of  the  day  ;  for  you  are  always  to  be  seen  at  church  ! "  "Ay, 
sir,"  replied  the  rustic,  "it  be  indeed  a  blessed  day  ;  I  works 
hard  enough  all  the  week,  and  when  I  comes  to  church  o'Svmdays, 
I  sets  me  down,  and  tucks  my  legs  up,  and  thinks  d"  nothing."    [11] 

The  Size  of  Meanness. 

Robert  Hall  once  paid  of  a  member  of  his  congregation,  that  he 
had  such  a  little  soul  that  it  could  not  only  be  put  into  a  nutshell, 
but  that,  if  there  were  a  maggot  hole  in  the  shell,  it  could  creep  out. 

•*  A  Stranger,  and  Ye  Took  Me  In ! " 

Quin,  when  he  first  went  to  Bath,  was  charged  exorbitantly  for 
everything  ;  and  at  the  end  of  a  week  complained  to  Beau  Nash, 
who  had  invited  him  thither  as  the  cheapest  place  in  England  for 
a  man  of  ta^te  and  a  bon-vivant .  Beau  Nash  repUed,  "  They  have 
acted  by  you  on  truly  Christian  principles."  "How  so?"  said 
Quin.  "Why,"  resumed  Nash,  "  you  were  a  stranger,  and  they 
took  you  in."  "  Ay,"  rejoined  Quin,  "  but  they  have  fleeced  me 
instead  of  clothing  me  !  " 

Curious  Provision  in  aWill. 

Madame  Creswell,  a  notorious  bad  character  of  King  Charles 
II.  's  reign,  died  a  prisoner  in  Bridewell.     She  desired  by  will  to 


140  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

have  a  sermon  preached  at  ner  funeral,  for  which  the  preacher 
was  to  have  £10 ;  but  upon  this  express  condition,  that  he  was 
to  say  nothing  but  what  was  %cell  of  her.  After  a  sermon  on  the 
general  subject  of  mortality,  the  preacher  concluded  with  saying, 
"By  the  will  of  a  deceased  sister,  it  is  expected  that  I  should 
mention  her,  and  say  nothing  but  what  was  well  of  her.  All  that 
I  shall  say,  therefore,  of  her  is  this  :  She  was  born  well,  she  lived 
^oell,  and  she  died  well ;  for  she  was  bom  with  the  name  of  Cres- 
weH,  she  lived  in  Clerkenwell,  and  she  died  in  Bridewell."    [11] 

A  Bid  at  an  Auction. 

Charles  Bannister,  going  home  one  evening,  dropped  into  a  room 
where  an  evening  auction  was  going  on.  The  auctioneer  was  just 
about  to  knock  off  a  lot  as  Bannister  entered  the  room.  "  Going," 
said  the  auctioneer,  raising  his  hammer.  "Going;  will  no  one 
bid  any  more  ? "  "I  will  bid  more,"  said  Bannister.  "  What  will 
you  bid?"  said  the  auctioneer.  "I  will  bid  you  good-night ! " 
was  the  reply,  as  the  wit  walked  away. 

"  Almost  Persuaded  "  to  "  Make  a  Christian  of  Him." 

Dr  Buckner,  Bishop  of  Chichester,  had  a  footman  living  with 
him  at  one  time,  whose  cognomen  was  David,  but  who,  upon  in- 
vestigation, it  appeared,  had  never  been  baptised.  To  have  the 
man  made  a  Christian,  the  bishop  felt  was  his  imperative  duty  ; 
and  for  this  purpose  his  curate,  the  Kev.  Mr  Croker,  was  requested 
to  attend  him  at  his  residence  in  Wigmore  Street,  to  perform  the 
ceremony,  whilst  the  prelate  and  his  niece  were  to  be  the  sponsors. 
After  tea  a  basiri  of  water  was  brought  in,  and  David  made  his 
appearance.  Mr  Croker  and  the  lady  exchanged  glances,  and  at 
lei^h  were  unable  to  repress  their  laughter  ;  however,  they  took 
their  places  at  the  temporary  font ;  but  as  the  bishop  perceived 
that  the  ceremony  was  not  likely  to  be  very  impressive,  he  wisely 
deferred  the  christening  till  a  more  favourable  opportunity,  and 
left  David  to  his  fate.     [11] 

[Would  not  th3  Bishop  have  been  more  consistent  if  he  had 
"  made  Christians  "  of  the  curate  and  the  lady  by  baptising  them 
first  '<— Ed.] 

A  Possible  Explanation  of  Changed  Opinions. 

The  Bishop  of  Norwich,  being  at  Malvern  in  1761,  met  witn  an 
old  fellow  who  was  reported  to  be  a  deist.  This  gentleman  thought 
proper  to  touch  on  some  points  of  religion  to  his  lordship,  who, 
not  choosing  to  enter  far  into  the  subject  with  him,  said  :  "  When  I 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  RUMOUR.  141 

think  a  man  much  in  the  wrong  in  an  opinion,  I  may  pity  him, 
but  I  can  never  be  angry  with  him  for  differing  from  me.  I  never 
knew  a  man  change  his  opinion  for  being  kicked  down  stairs." 
"Very  true,  my  lord,"  replied  the  other,  "but  I  have  known 
many  a  man  do  it  for  being  kicked  up  stairs."    [11] 

Wordsworth's  Mind. 

Mr  Buckle  used  to  relate  an  amusing  joke  referring  to  Charles 
Lamb  and  Wordsworth.  Wordsworth  on  one  occasion  told  Lamb 
that  Shakespeare  was  much  overrated,  and  expressed  an  opinion 
that  he  could,  if  he  had  a  mind,  write  as  well  as  Shakeq)eare. 
'*  But  you  see,"  said  Lamb,  "  he  had  n>t  the  mind."    [19] 

A  Witty  Decision. 

The  Duke  of  Dorset,  John  Dryden,  Bolingbroke,  and  Chester- 
field were  in  the  habit  of  spending  their  evenings  together  ;  'twas 
in  general,  "  the  feast  of  reason  and  the  flow  of  soul ;  "  on  one  oc- 
casion, however,  en7iui  had  taken  possession  of  the  whole  :  at  last  it 
was  proposed  that  the  three  aristocrats  should  each  write  a  some- 
thing, and  place  it  under  the  candlestick,  and  that  Dryden  (who 
was  at  that  period  in  very  indififerent  circumstances)  should 
determine  who  had  written  the  best  thing.  It  was  no  sooner 
proposed  than  agreed  to  ;  the  scrutiny  commenced,  judgment  was 
given  : — "  My  Lords,"  said  Dryden,  addressing  Bolingbifoke  and 
Chesterfield,  "  joxi  each  of  you  have  proved  your  wit,  but  I  am 
sure  you  will,  nevertheless,  agree  with  me,  that  his  grace  the  Duke 
of  Dorset  has  excelled  ;  pray  attend  my  Lords, — '  I  promise  to  pay 
John  Dryden,  Esq.,  on  demand,  One  Hundred  Pounds — Dorset." 
It  scarcely  need  be  observed,  that  the  noble  wits  subscribed  to  the 
judgment. 

At  One  Time,  Wise — At  Another,  Otherwise. 

The  Rev,  Mr  Alcock,  in  the  middle  of  the  last  century,  was 
rector  of  Bumsal,  near  Skipton,  in  Yorkshire  ;  he  was  a  learned 
man  and  a  wit,  but  so  much  addicted  to  waggery  that  he  some- 
times forgot  his  oflBce,  and  indulged  in  sensible  eccentricities,  and 
at  others  in  sallies  rather  unbecoming  a  minister,  though  never- 
theless he  was  a  sincere  Christian.  An  example  of  each  is  here 
given : — 

On  one  occasion,  when  in  the  pulpit,  he  found  that  he  had 
forgotten  his  sermon  ;  nowise  confused  at  the  loss,  he  called  out 
to  his  clerk  :  "  Jonas,  I  have  left  my  sermon  at  home,  so  hand  us 


142  EVERYBODTS  BOOK  OF 

up  that  Bible,  and  I'll  read  them  a  chapter  in  Job  worth  ten  of 
it." 

On  another  occasion,  one  of  Mr  Alcock's  friends,  at  whose 
house  he  was  in  the  habit  of  calling  previously  to  his  entering 
the  church  on  Sundays,  once  took  occasion  to  unstitch  his  sermon 
and  misplace  the  leaves.  At  the  church,  Mr  Alcock,  when  he 
had  read  a  page,  discovered  the  joke.  "  Will,"  said  he,  "thou 
rascal  !  what's  thou  been  doing  with  my  sermon?"  Then  turn- 
ing to  his  congregation,  he  said,  "Brethren,  WiU  Thornton's  been 
misplacing  the  leaves  of  my  sermon  ;  I  have  not  time  to  put  them . 
right ;  I  shall  read  on  as  I  find  it,  and  you  must  make  the  best  of 
it  that  you  can  ;  "  and  he  accordingly  read  through  the  confused 
mass,  to  the  utter  astonishment  of  his  flock.     [11] 

Defying  and  Abusing  the  Magistrates. 

An  old  lady  was  recently  brought  as  a  witness  before  a  l5ench  of 
magistrates,  and  when  asked  to  take  off  her  bonnet,  obstinately 
refused  to  do  so,  saying  ;  "  There's  no  law  compelling  a  woman  to 
take  ofif  her  bonnet." 

"  Oh,"  imprudently  replied  one  of  the  magistrates,  "  you  know 
the  law,  do  you  ?  Perhaps  yovi  would  like  to  come  up  and  sit  here 
and  teach  us  ? " 

"  No,  I  thank  you,  sir,"  said  the  woman,  tartly  ;  "there  are  old 
women  enough  there  now." 


A  Materialistic  Nobleman. 

On  the  occasion  of  the  distribution  of  medals  to  ofi&cers  and 
men  who  had  served  in  the  Crimea,  Lord  Malmesbury  tells  us 
that  Mrs  Norton,  talking  about  it  to  Lord  Panmure,  asked: 
"  Was  the  Queen  touched  ? " 

"  Bless  my  soul,  no  !  "  was  the  reply.  "  She  had  a  brass  railing 
before  her,  and  no  one  could  touch  her." 

Mrs  Norton  then  said,  "  I  mean,  was  she  moved  ?  " 

**  Moved  ! "  answered  Lord  Panmure  ;  "she  had  no  occasion  to 
move." 

Mrs  Norton  then  gave  it  up  in  despair.     [21] 

A  Procrastinating  Wit. 

The  Rev.  Dr  Howard,  clerical  wit,  was  chaplain  to  Prince® 
Augusta,  Princess- dowager  of  Wales,  and  mother  of  Greorge  TIL 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  143 

He  was  also  rector  of  St  George's,  Southwark.  Delighting  much 
in  the  good  things  of  this  w^rld,  he  so  far  indulged  his  hunger  and 
thirst  after  delicacies,  that  he  found  himself  much  in  arrears  to 
many  of  his  trading  parishioners.  Fortunately  for  himself,  he 
hved  within  the  rules  of  the  King's  Bench,  which  shielded  him 
from  the  rude  intrusion  of  clamorous  creditors.  The  doctor, 
however,  was  a  man  of  humour,  and  frequently  hit  upon  ex- 
pedients to  keep  them  in  good  temper.  He  once  preached  a 
sermon  from  the  following  text :  "  Have  patience,  and  I  will 
oay  you  all."  He  expatiated  at  great  length  on  the  virtue  and 
advantage  of  patience.  "And  now,  my  brethren,"  said  he,  "I 
a-n  come  to  the  second  part  of  my  discourse,  which  is,  'And  I 
wll  pay  you  all ;'  hut  that  I  shall  defer  to  a  future  opportunity." 

On  another  occasion,  when  collecting  a  brief  with  the  parish 
ofi&iers  of  St  George's,  he  called  on  a  grocer  with  whom  he  had  a 
runiing  account.  As  he  was  always  in  arrear  with  his  trades- 
jieole,  the  reverend  gentleman,  to  prevent  being  first  asked  for 
a  sd;tlement,  inquired  if  he  was  not  some  trifle  in  the  grocer's 
deb.  On  reference  to  the  ledger,  there  appeared  a  balance  of 
seveiteen  shillings  in  favour  of  the  shopkeeper.  The  doctor  had 
reccurse  to  his  pocket,  and  pulled  out  some  halfpence,  a  little 
silver,  and  a  guinea  ;  the  grocer,  eyeing  the  latter  with  a  degree 
d  surprise,  exclaimed  :  "  Good  heavens,  sir,  you  have  a  stranger 
tiere  !  "  "  Indeed  I  have,  Mr  Brown,"  replied  the  wit,  returmng 
tie  guinea  into  his  pocket,  ^^  and  hefore  we  part  we  shall  be  better 
aquainted."    [11] 

Curious  Sermons  on  "  Wliat  a  Good  Wife  Should  Be." 

[n  a  wedding  sermon,  entitled  "  The  Rib  Restored,"  delivered 
in  St  Dionis  Back  Church,  in  Fenchurch  Street,  in  1655,  by 
Rbhard  Meggot,  afterwards  Dean  of  Salisbury,  the  preacher, 
spjaking  of  a  good  wife,  says:  "A  help  she  must  be  in  her 
fanily,  being  not  only  a  wife,  but  a  house- wife  ;  not  a  field- 
wfe,  like  Dinah  ;  nor  a  street- wife,  like  Thamar  ;  nor  a  window- 
wfe,  like  Jezebel,  but  an  house-wife." 

Another  preacher  enumerated  the  qualifications  of  a  good  wift 
in  the  following  antithesis  of  "  To  be,  or  not  to  be. "  She  should  be 
hte  three  things,  and  yet  she  should  not  be  like  those  three  things. 
First,  she  should  be  like  a  snail,  always  keep  within  her  own  hou-se  ; 
bvt  she  should  not  be  like  a  snail  and  carry  all  she  has  upon  her 
back.     Secondly,  she  should  be  like  an  echo,  to  speak  when  she  is 


144  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

spoken  to  ;  but  she  should  not  be  like  an  echo,  always  to  have  the 
last  word.  Thirdly,  she  should  be  like  a  town -clock,  always  keep 
time  and  regularity  ;  but  she  should  not  be  like  a  town-clock  to 
speak  so  loud  that  all  the  town  may  hear  her.     [11] 

Every  Man  to  Ms  Calling. 

On  a  trial  at  the  Admiralty  sessions,  for  shooting  a  seaman,  the 
counsel  for  the  crown  asked  one  of  the  witnesses  which  he  was  for,   i 
plaintiff  or  defendant.    *'  Plaintiff  or  defendant  ? "  says  the  sailor, 
scratching  his  head;    "why,   I  don't  know  what  you  mean  by 
*  plaintiff  or  defendant. '    I  come  to  speak  for  that  man  there  ? " 

"  You  are  a  pretty  fellow  for  a  witness,"  says  the  counsel,  "no/ 
to  know  what  '  plaintiff  or  defendant '  means."  / 

Some  time  after,  being  asked  by  the  same  counsel  what  part  d 
the  ship  he  was  in  at  the  time — "  Abaft  the  binnacle  !  "  said  1^ 
sailor.  "  Abaft  the  binnacle  !  "  replied  the  barrister,  "  what  pirt 
of  the  ship  is  that  ? " 

"  Ha  !  ha  !  ha  ! "  chuckled  the  sailor  ;  "  an't  you  a  pretty  felbw 
for  a  counsellor,"  pointing  archly  at  him  with  his  finger,  "  not  to 
know  what  '  abaft  the  binnacle '  is  !  " 

Solomon's  System  of  Self-defence. 

"  Do  you  think  it  would  be  ^vrong  for  me  to  learn  the  *  Noble  kxi 
of  Self-defence '  ?  "  a  religiously-inclined  youth  inquired  of  his 
pastor. 

' '  Certainly  not, "  answered  the  minister,  ' '  I  learned  it  in  youiii 
myself,  and  I  have  found  it  of  great  value  during  my  life." 

"  Indeed,  sir  !  Did  you  learn  the  old  English  system  or  Sullivaris 
system  ? " 

"  Neither.     I  learned  Solomon's  system,"  replied  the  ministerf 

"  Solomon's  system  ? " 

"Yes.  You  will  find  it  laid  down  in  the  first  verse  of  tie 
fifteenth  chapter  of  Proverbs  :  *  A  soft  answer  tumeth  awap" 
wrath. '  It  is  the  best  system  of  self-defence  of  which  I  havs 
any  knowledge. " 

Playing  the  Wrong  Organ. 

The  organ-blower  in  a  London  church  one  day  fell  asleep  during 
service,  of  which  fact  the  audience  soon  became  conscious  by  tte 
vigorous  blowing  of  his  own  organ.  The  preacher,  after  bearing 
it  for  a  while,  stopped  and  remarked  : 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  145 

"  I  do  not  object  to  a  quiet  nap  on  a  hot  day,  and  am  flattered 
at  being  able  to  contribute  to  anybody's  repose.  But,  while  proud 
at  being  able  to  give  the  beloved  sleep,  I  wish  it  to  be  distinctly 
understood  that  I  draw  the  line  at  snores.  There  is  a  man  snor- 
ing in  the  congregation,  and  I  shall  be  obliged  if  someone  wLM 
awaken  him." 

The  offender  was  quickly  aroused. 

Feaxful  of  Contagion. 

One  day  when  Bishop  Thomas  was  still  curate  of  one  of  the 
churches  in  Thames  Street,  he  was  burying  a  corpse,  and  a  woman 
came  and  pulled  him  by  the  sleeve,  in  the  midst  of  the  service. 
"  Sir,  sir,  I  want  to  speak  to  you." — "  Pr'ythee,"  said  he,  "  woman, 
wait  till  I  have  done." — "No,  sir,  I  must  speak  to  you  imme- 
diately."— "Why,  then,  what  is  the  matter  ?" — "  Why,  sir,"  says 
she,  "  you  are  burying  a  man  who  died  of  the  small -pox  next  my 
poor  husband  who  'never  had  it. "  This  anecdote  was  related  by 
Dr  Thomas  himself.     [11] 

His  Birthday  Party.  ^ 

Boy  :  "Ain't  it  time  to  eat  the  good  things  ? " 

Mother:  "Certainly  not.  You  must  wait  until  your  friends 
come." 

Boy  ;  "  I  guess  they  won't  come,  'cause  I  didn't  invite  them.  I 
thought  I'd  rather  have  it  entirely  exclusive." 

Offering  a  Premium  on  Theft. 

A  clergyman  in  the  West,  who  had  unfortunately  quarrelled 
with  his  parishioners,  had  the  misfortune  to  have  some  linen  stolen 
from  the  lines  on  which  it  hung  to  dry,  and  he  posted  hand- 
bills for  the  discovery  of  the  offender.  Next  morning,  the  follow- 
ing was  written  at  the  foot  of  the  copy  posted  against  the  church 
door : — 

"  Some  thief  has  stolen  the  parson's  shirts, 
To  skin  naught  could  be  nearer  : 
The  parish  '11  give  five  hundred  pounds 
To  him  that  steals  the  wearer."    [11] 

Falmerston's  Humour  in  His  Last  Illness. 

Lord  Palmerston's  good  humour,  as  a  distinct  element  of  hid 
character,  is  well  known.      We  find  it  even  during  his  last  illness, 


146  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

when  his  physician  was  forced  to  mention  death.     "  Die,  my  dear 
doctor  !  "  he  exclaimed,  "  that's  the  last  thing  I  shall  do," 

Hood's  Humour  In  His  Last  Illness, 
fu  Hood's  last  illness,  when  he  was  wasted  to  a  shadow,  a 
mustard  poultice  was  to  be  applied  to  his  chest.     "Ah,  doctor,'* 
said  the  poor  patient,    smiling  faintly,  "it  is  a  great  deal  of 
mustard  to  so  little  meat." 

Dr  Donne  "  Undone,"  but  not  "  Done  Up." 

Dr  Donne,  the  celebrated  Dean  of  St  Paul's,  whose  curious 
monument  is  still  preserved  in  the  crypt,  having  married  Sir 
George  More's  daughter  without  the  consent  of  her  parents,  was 
imprisoned  in  the  Fleet  Prison,  md  otherwise  treated  with 
severity.  Donne,  however,  wrote  a  very  eloquent  and  submissive 
letter  to  the  offended  father-in-law,  which  was  signed  :  "John 
Donne,  Ann  Donne,  undone."  This  quibble  is  said  to  have  been 
the  means  of  restoring  the  distressed  couple  to  the  parental 
fivour.     [11] 

Education. 

■In  talking  of  the  education  of  children,  I  asked  Johnson  what 
he  thought  was  best  to  teach  them  first. 

' '  Johnson  replied  :  *  Sir,  it  is  no  matter  what  you  teach  them 
first,  any  more  than  what  leg  you  shall  put  into  your  breeches 
Srst,  but  in  the  meantime  your  breech  is  bare.  Sir,  while  you  are 
considering  which  of  two  things  you  should  teach  your  child  first, 
another  boy  has  learnt  them  both.' "    [22] 

An  Insignificant  M.P. 

A  couple  of  visitors  from  a  rural  district  were  in  the  Strangers* 
Gallery,  in  the  House  of  Commons,  trying  to  pick  out  members 
on  the  floor. 

'  T  can't  distinguish  him,"  said  one,  after  a  hopeless  visual 
observation. 

■•Of  course  not,"  was  the  honest  reply:  "he  can't  even 
distinguish  himself. " 

A  Church  Living  in  the  Nineteenth  Century. 

in  1S3'2  the  vicarage  of  ^Yyburn  or  Winsburn,  in  Cumberland, 
was  of  the  following  tempting  value  : — Fifty  shillings  per  annum, 
a  new  sarplice,  a  pair  of  clogs,  and  feed  on  the  common  for  one 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  147 

goose.  This  favoured  church  preferment  was  then  in  tne  midst  of 
a  wild  country,  inhabited  by  shepherds.  The  clerk  kept  a  pot 
house  opposite  the  church.  The  service  was  once  a  fortnight,  and 
when  there  was  no  congregation,  the  vicar  and  Moses  used  to 
regale  themselves  at  the  bar.     [11] 

A  Study  in  Natural  History. 

Professor  (lecturing  upon  the  rhinoceros):  "I  must  beg  you 
to  give  me  your  undivided  attention.  It  is  absolut-ely  impossible 
that  you  can  form  a  true  idea  of  this  hideous  animal  unless  you 
keep  your  eyes  fixed  on  me." 

"  Dealing  "  and  "  Leading." 

Sir  Frederick  Thesiger  (afterwards  Lord  Chelmsford)  once  had 
occasion  to  object  to  the  irregularity  of  a  learned  Serjeant,  who, 
in  examining  his  witnesses,  repeatedly  put  leading  questions. 

"  I  have  a  right,"  maintained  the  serjeant  doggedly,  "to  deal 
with  my  witnesses  as  I  please." 

"  To  that  I  offer  no  objection,"  retorted  Sir  Frederick;  "you 
may  deal  as  you  like,  but  you  shan't  lead." 

Curious  Misconceptions  at  a  Funeral. 

A  ludicrous  mistake  happened  some  time  ago  at  a  funeral. 
The  clergyman  was  reading  the  service,  until  he  came  to  that  part 
which  says,  "our  deceased  brother  or  sister"  without  knowing 
whether  the  deceased  was  a  male  or  a  female.  He  turned  round 
to  one  of  the  mourners,  and  asked  whether  it  was  a  brother  or  a 
sister  ?  The  man  very  innocently  replied,  "  No  relation  at  all,  sir  ; 
only  an  acquaintance. "    [11] 

Henry  Russell's  Singing-. 

An  interesting  account  of  the  author  of  "Cheer  Boys,  Cheer," 
has  recently  appeared  in  the  World,  from  which  we  make  the 
following  extract  : 

"  On  one  occasion  I  was  invited  to  Haniey  to  give  a  benefit 
entertainment  for  the  Staffordshire  potters,  who  were  in  much 
distress.  After  I  had  sung  my  song,  '  There's  a  Good  Time  Com- 
ing, Boys  ;  Wait  a  Little  Longer,'  a  man  in  the  crowd  rose 
excitedly  and  shouted  :  '  Muster  Russell,  can  ye  fix  the  toime  ?  * 

"  Another  artisan  in  the  reserved  seats  stood  up  and  quietly 
Said  :  '  Shut  oop,  man  ;  Muster  Russell  '11  write  to  ye  ! ' 

"  At  Newcastle-on-Tyne  I  gave  the  '  Gambler's^Vife,"  _I.may.tell 


148  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

you  that  the  wife  is  awaiting  the  gambler's  return.  The  clock 
strikes  one,  the  clock  strikes  two,  and  then  the  clock  strikes  three. 
As  the  clock  strikes  four,  the  young  wife,  clasping  her  child  to  her 
bosom,  dies  in  hopeless  despair.  A  woman  stood  up  in  the 
audience  and  emphatically  declaimed  in  a  shrill  shriek  :  '  Oh,  Mr 
Russell  if  it  had  been  me,  wouldn't  I  have  fetched  him  home  ! '  " 

In  earlier  days,  as  Henry  Russell  was  singing,  "Woodman.. 
Spare  That  Tree,"  an  old  gentleman  cried  :  "  Mr  Russell,  was  the 
ti'ee  saved  ? " 

"  It  was,  sir." 

**  Thank  God  for  that ! "  he  answered,  with  a  sigh  of  relief. 

The  realistic  character  of  Mr  Russell's  songs,  and  the  impression 
of  actuality  which  they  gave  to  the  minds  of  the  people,  is  shown 
in  another  anecdote  : — 

On  the  "Newfoundland  Dog"  being  sung,  a  piece  which 
described  the  dog  saving  a  child's  life,  a  North  coimtryman  ex- 
claimed :  "  Was  the  child  saved,  man  ? '" 

"  It  was.  sir." 

With  the  anxious  look  of  one  asking  a  great  favo\ir,  the  man 
pleaded  :  "  Could  ye  get  me  a  peep  ?  " 

At  Home  Ever3rv7liere  but  at  Home. 

"Ah,  old  fellow,"  said  a  gentleman,  meeting  another  in  the 
street,  "so  you  are  married  at  last ?  Allow  me  to  congratulate 
you.  for  I  hear  you  have  an  excellent  and  accomplished  wife. " 

"  I  have  indeed,''  was  the  reply.  "  She  is  so  !  Accomplished  ! 
Why,  sir,  she  is  perfectly  at  home  in  literature,  at  home  in  music, 
at  home  in  art,  at  home  in  science — in  short,  at  home  everywhere 
except — " 

■  Except  what  ? " 

•'  Except  at  home." 

A  Cock  that  Couldn't  Crow. 

On  one  occasion  when  G.  F.  Cooke,  the  famous  actor,  was 
playing  his  celebrated  character  of  Richard  the  Third,  the  person 
enacting  Ratcliff  was  very  imperfect  in  his  part.  Coming  on  the 
»fcage,  in  the  fifth  act  of  the  p'ay,  in  which  King  Richard,  just  as 
he  concludes  his  well-known  soliloquy  in  the  tent-scene,  inquires 
'*  Who's  there  ? "  the  pei-sonator  of  Ratcliff,  on  the  occasion  in 
question,  got  as  tar  in  his  speech  in  reply,  as—"  'Tis  I — the  early 
village  cock" — and  he  could  proceed  no  fui*ther.     After  a  short 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  149 

pause,  Cooke,  with  a  humorous  twinkle  of  his  eye,  said,  '*  Why 
the  deuce  don't  you  crow  then  ?  " 

Scholastic  Wit. 

Dr  John  Jegon,  of  Bennett's  College,  Cambridge,  afterwards 
Bishop  of  Norwich,  was  a  most  serious  man  and  a  grave  governor  ; 
yet  withal  of  a  most  facetious  disposition.  The  following  is  an 
instance  : — While  master  of  the  college,  he  chanced  to  punish  all 
the  undergraduates  for  some  general  offence,  and  the  penalty  was 
put  on  their  heads  in  the  buttery.  He  disdained,  however,  to 
apply  the  money  to  his  own  use,  and  it  was  expended  in  white- 
washing the  hall  of  the  coUege  :  whereupon  a  scholar  hung  up 
these  lines  on  the  screen : 

"  Doctor  Jegon,  Bennett's  College  master ; 
Broke  the  scholars'  heads,  and  gave  the  walls  a  plaster." 

The  doctor,  whose  ready  wit  was  not  the  least  impaired  by  age, 
on  reading  the  paper,  wrote  under  it  in  pencil  the  following 
extempore  :  — 
"  Knew  I  the  wag  that  writ  these  lines  in  bravery, 

I'd  commend  him  for  his  "vvit,  but  whip  him  for  his  knavery." 

[IIJ 
Local  Sympathy. 

A  melting  Good  Friday  sermon  being  preached  in  a  country 
church,  all  wept  except  one  man,  who  being  asked  why  he  did 
not  weep  as  well  as  the  rest? — "  Oh  !  "  replied  he,  "  I  belong  to 
another  parish. "    [11] 

Ante-Reformation  Days. 

The  term  "Protestantism"  reminds  us  of  the  prompt  answer 
which  was  given  by  Wilks,  who,  being  asked  by  a  Komanist, 
"  Where  was  your  church  before  Luther  ? "  replied,  "  Where  was 
your  face  before  you  washed  it  tliis  morning  ?  "     [11] 

Often  Absent  in  Disputes. 

Johnson  having  argued  some  time  with  a  pertinacious  gentleman  ; 
his  opponent,  who  had  talked  in  a  very  puzzling  manner,  happened 
to  say,  "I  don't  understand  you,  sir;"  upon  which  Johnson 
observed,  "Sir,  1  have  found  you  an  argument;  but  I  am  not 
obliged  to  find  you  an  understanding."     [22] 

A  Good  Judge  of  Sermons. 

The  late  Bishop  Blomfield  used  to  tell  a  story  of  his  having 
once,  late  in  life,  preached  at  the  University  Church  at  Cambridge, 


150  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

and  ot  having  seen  a  verger  there  whom  he  remembered  when  he 
was  himself  an  undergraduate.  The  bishop  told  the  verger  he 
was  glad  to  see  him  looking  so  well  at  such  a  great  age.  "  Oh, 
yes,  my  lord,  '  said  the  man,  "  I  have  much  to  be  grateful  for.  I 
have  heard  every  sermon  that  has  been  preached  in  this  chvirch 
for  fifty  years,  and,  thank  God,  I  am  a  Christian  still."     [11] 

The  SMp  Chaplain's  Sermon  on  Hea/en, 

In  a  storm  at  sea  the  chaplain  asked  one  of  the  crew,  if  he 
thought  there  was  any  danger.  "Why,"  replied  the  sailor,  "if 
this  continues,  we  shall  all  be  in  heaven  before  to-morrow 
morning.''  The  chaplain,  horrified  at  these  words,  cried  out, 
"  The  Lord  forbid  !  "    [11] 

"  The  Tongue  can  No  Man  Tame. " 

Once  at  a  meeting  of  ministers  a  question  was  started  to  be  de- 
bated among  them.  Upon  the  first  proposal  of  it,  a  confident 
young  divine  said  :  "Truly,  I  hold  it  so."  "You  hold,  sir?" 
replied  the  Rev.  Philip  Henry  ;  "  it  becomes  you  to  hold  your 
tongue."    [11] 

The  Quickest  Courtship  and  Marriage  on  Record. 

Jeremy  White,  one  of  Oliver  Cromwell's  domestic  chaplains,  paid 
his  addresses  to  Lady  Frances,  the  Protector's  youngest  daughter. 
Oliver  was  told  of  it  by  a  spy,  who  followed  the  intrigue  so  closely 
that  he  tracked  Jerry  to  the  lady's  chamber,  and  ran  immediately 
to  the  Protector  with  this  news.  Oliver,  in  a  rage,  hastened  thither 
himself,  and  entering  unexpectedly,  found  the  chaplain  on  his 
knees  kissing  the  lady's  hand.  In  a  towering  passion  he  asked 
him  what  was  the  meaning  of  his  being  in  that  posture  before  his 
daughter  < 

White  replied,  "  May  it  please  your  Highness,  I  have  a  long  time 
courted  that  young  gentlewoman  there,  my  lady's  woman,  and  I 
cannot  prevail.  I  was,  therefore,  humbly  praying  her  ladyship  to 
intercede  for  me.'' 

The  Protector,  turning  to  the  young  woman,  exclaimed  : '  What's 
the  meaning  of  this,  hussey  ?  \Vhy  do  you  refuse  the  honou»  Mr 
White  would  do  you  He  is  my  good  friend,  and  I  expect  you  to 
treat  him  as,  such." 

My  lady's  woman  who  desired  nothing  more,  vath.  a  very  low 
courtsey,  replied  :  •'  It  Mr  White  intends  me  that  honour,  I  shall 
not  bo  against  him." 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  151 

"  Say  you  so,  my  lass  ? "  exclaimed  Cromwell.  "  Call  Godwyn  ! 
This  business  shall  be  done  presently — before  I  go  out  of  the 
room." 

White  had  gone  too  far  to  retreat.  The  parson  came,  and  Jerry 
and  my  lady's  woman  were  made  one  flesh  in  the  presence  of  the 
Protector.     [11] 

Johnson  and  Mr  Crawford— An  Extinguisher. 

"  Mr  Crawford  being  engaged  to  dinner  where  Dr  Johnson  was 
to  be,  resolved  to  pay  his  court  to  him  ;  and  having  heard  that  he 
preferred  Donne's  Satires  to  Pope's  version  of  them,  said,  '  Do  you 
know,  Dr  Johnson,  that  I  like  Dr  Donne's  original  Satires  better 
than  Pope's  ? '    Johnson  said,  '  Well,  sir,  I  can't  help  that. ' "     [24] 

Hats  Blocked  while  You  "  Wait ! " 
A  thief  went  into  the  hall  of  a  Brighton  hotel  and  gathered  up 
all  the  hats.  He  was  making  his  way  out,  when  a  visitor  came  in 
and  asked  him  what  he  was  about.  "  Oh,"  says  the  thief,  "  I'm 
taking  the  gentlemen's  hats  round  the  corner,  to  get  them  blocked.'' 
"  Well,"  replied  the  visitor,  "  take  my  hat,  too."  "Certainly,  sir," 
said  the  accommodating  thief,  and  vanished. 

Twelve  Pennjrwortns  for  One  Shilling. 

In  days  of  yore  there  lived  in  Chester  an  old  tradesman  who  kept 
a  drapery  shop,  and  was  remarkable  for  his  imperturbable  disposi- 
tion, so  much  so  that  no  one  had  ever  seen  him  out  of  temper. 
This  remarkable  characteristic  having  become  the  subject  of  con- 
versation, one  of  his  neighbours,  who  was  somewhat  of  a  wag,  bet 
five  pounds  that  he  could  succeed  in  ruffling  the  habitual  placidity 
of -the  stoic.  Ho  accordingly  proceeded  to  his  shop,  and  asked  to 
see  some  cloths  suitable  for  a  coat.  One  piece  was  shown  to  him, 
and  then  another  ;  and  a  third  and  a  fourth  were  handed  from  the 
shelves  ;  this  was  too  coarf^e,  the  other  too  fine  :  one  was  too  dark  a 
colour,  another  too  light.  Still  the  old  draper  continued  placid  as 
new  milk ;  ;.nd  no  f,ooner  did  his  customer  start  an  objection  to 
any  particular  piece  than  Le  was  met  by  some  other  variety  being 
laid  before  him,  until  the  very  last  piece  in  the  shop  was  unfolded 
to  his  view.  The  vendor  now  lost  all  hope  of  pleasing  his  fastidious 
purchaser,  when  the  latter,  affecting  to  look  at  the  uppermost 
piece  with  satisfaction,  exclaimed  "Ah.  my  dear  ?ir,  you  have  hit 
it  at  last ;  this\?>  the  very  thing  ;  I  will  take  o. shilling' s  worth  of  this 
pattern,"  at  the  same  time  laying  the  money  plump  on  the  counter 
before  him  to  show  that  he  was  a  prompt  payer.    *'  You  shall  have 


152  EYERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

it,  my  good  friend,"  replied  the  draper,  with  the  utmost  serious- 
ness of  speech  and  manners  ;  and  then,  laying  the  shilling  on 
the  surface  of  the  cloth,  and  applying  his  ample  scissoi-s,  he  cut  it 
fairly  round  to  the  size  of  the  money,  and,  wrapping  it  carefully 
up  in  a  piece  of  paper,  made  a  low  bow,  thanked  him  for  his  custom, 
and  hoped  he  would  call  at  his  shop  when  he  wanted  anything  in 
his  line  again. 

A  Good  "  Judge  "—in  More  Senses  than  One. 

Mr  Justice  Mathew,  of  the  Queen's  Bench  Division,  does  not 
give  one  an  impression  at  first  sight  of  being  either  a  shrewd  Lon- 
doner or  a  stern  dispenser  of  the  law  of  the  land  ;  one  might  take 
him  to  be  perhaps  a  benevolent  and  simple  country  squire.  At 
any  rate,  some  such  impression  evidently  prevailed  in  the  mind  of 
a  professional  seller  of  painted  sparrows  who  came  up  to  Sir  James 
one  day  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  Strand,  and  shewing  him  one 
of  his  birds,  asked  the  learned  judge's  opinion  as  to  what  species 
it  might  belong  to.  Sir  James  stopped,  carefully  examined  the 
gaudy  little  creature,  and  then  replied  that  he  had  not  seen  a  bird 
exactly  like  that  one  before,  but,  judging  from  the  old  proverb 
that  **  birds  of  a  feather  flock  together,"  he  should  say  that  it  was 
a  gaol-bird.  The  vendor  waited  for  no  further  particulars,  but 
instantly  shuffled  away. 

The  Prevailing  Sense  of  the  House. 

One  night  during  a  heated  discussion  in  the  House  of  Commons 
in  which  Home  Tooke  bore  the  principal  part,  his  chief  antagonist 
said,  "  I'll  take  the  sense  of  the  House."  "And  I'll  take  the  non- 
sense, and  I'll  beat  you,"  retorted  Tooke. 

Dr  Jenner  a  "  Respectable  Practitioner." 

The  late  Sir  William  Gull's  butler  was  a  great  character — a 
small  dark  man,  always  white-chokered  and  dressed  in  black, 
with  a  calm  solemn  manner.  His  income  from  tips  must  have 
been  large,  as  the  waiting-room  was  always  crammed  and  the 
order  of  audience  was  settled  by  him.  One  day,  summoned  to 
the  street-door  by  a  more  than  ordinary  fierce  knock,  he  found 
an  excited  individual  just  alighted  from  a  cab.  "Sir  William 
Gull  in?"  "Yes,  sir."  "T  want  to  see  him."  "Have  you  an 
appointment,  sir?"  "Appointment  ?  No  !  I'm  very  ill.  I  want 
to  see  Sir  William."  "  Impossible,  sir,  without  an  appointment." 
Naughty  word  emitted  by  visitor  ;  then — "  When  can  I  see  him?" 
*'Well,   sir" — after  consulting  paper — "at  elevep  on  Tuesday 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  153 

next."  "Tuesday  next  be  hanged  !  I'm  very  ill !  I  tell  you  1 
must  see  some  one  !  Do  you  know  any  one  near  who  could  see 
me  ?  "  Servant,  after  cogitation  :  "  Well,  sir,  there's  a  gentleman 
over  the  way — a  very  respectable  practitioner  named  Jenner — he 
might  be  able  to  see  you." 

Why  the  Bailiffs  went  away  without  their  Prisoner. 

A  ludicrous  incident  occurred  when  Carter,  the  lion  king,  as  he 
was  called,  was  exhibiting  with  Ducrow  at  Astley's.  A  manager 
with  whom  Carter  had  made  and  broken  an  engagement  issued  a 
writ  against  him.  The  bailiffs  came  up  to  the  stage-door  and 
asked  for  Carter.  "Show  the  gentlemen  up,"  said  Ducrow. 
And  when  they  reached  the  stage  there  sat  Carter  composedly 
in  the  great  cage,  with  an  enormous  lion  on  each  side  of  him. 
"There's  Mr  Carter  waiting  for  you,  gentlemen,"  said  Ducrow. 
"Go  in  and  take  him.  Carter,  my  boy,  open  the  door."  Carter 
proceeded  to  obey,  at  the  same  time  eliciting  by  a  private  signal 
a  tremendous  roar  from  his  companions.  The  bailiffs  staggered 
back  in  terror,  rolled  over  each  other  as  they  rushed  down-stairs, 
and  nearly  fainted  before  they  reached  the  street. 

"  Sermons  In  Stones." 
A  gentleman,  passing  a  country  church  while  under  repair, 
observed  to  one  of  the  workmen  that  he  thought  it  would  be  an 
expensive  job.  "Why,  yes,"  replied  he  ;  "but  in  my  opinion  we . 
shall  accomplish  what  our  parson  has  endeavoured  to  do  for  the 
last  thirty  years  in  vain."  "  What  is  that  ? "  said  the  gentleman. 
"  Why,  bring  all  the  parish  to  repentance." 

Elderly  Men  not  always  Wise. 
An  old  gentleman  without  tact,  on  meeting  some  ladies  whom 
he  had  known  as  girls  in  his  boyhood,  cordially  remarked  :  "  Bless 
me  !  How  time  flies  !  Let  me  see,  its  thirty-two  years  come  next 
April  since  we  used  to  go  to  school  together.  I  was  a  little  chap 
then,  you  remember,  and  you  were  fine  young  women.*'  The  old 
man  could  never  understand  why  his  cordial  greeting  was  received 
so  coldly. 

Johnson  and  a  Clergyman's  Ignorance. 

' '  A  certain  young  clergyman  used  to  come  about  Dr  Johnson. 
The  Doctor  said  it  vexed  him  to  be  in  his  company,  his  ignor- 
ance was  so  hopeless.  'Sir,'  said  Mr  Langton,  'his  coming 
about  you  shows  he  wishes  to  help  his  ignorance.*     '  Sir.'  said  the 


154  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Doctor,  '  his  ignorance  is  so  great  I  am  afraid  to  show  him  the 
bottom  of  it.'  "    [22] 

Consolation  for  an  Injured  Man. 

One  writer  I  can  recall,  but  will  not  name,  to  whom  Douglas 
Jerrold  had  given  almost  his  first  appearance  in  print,  was  among 
the  most  persevering  and  unscrupulous  of  his  enemies  afterwards. 
Some  friend — as  friends  will — mentioned  the  ingratitude.  ' '  Never 
mind,"  Douglas  Jerrold  retorted,  "the  boy  is  sick  to  windward. 
It'll  all  fly  back  in  his  face."    [25] 

Finning  Him  to  the  Literal  Meaning. 

A  young  clergyman  and  an  elderly  parishioner  one  day  walking 
homo  from  church,  the  elderly  man  slipped  on  the  muddy  path 
ami  fell. 

"Ah,"  said  the  clergyman,  "sinners  stand  on  slippery  places," 
reaching  out  his  hand  to  help  him  up. 

"  So  I  see,"  said  his  parishioner  ;  "  and  you  certainly  keep  your 
footing  well." 

Johnson's  Confession  of  Igraorance. 

"  A  lady  once  asked  Johnson  how  he  came  to  define  Pastern  the 
inee  of  a  horse  :  instead  of  making  an  elaborate  defence,  as  she 
expected,  he  at  once  answered,  '  Ignorance,  madam,  pure  ignor- 
ance.'"    [22] 

The  Judge  and  the  Cabman. 

A  cabman  brought  Mr  Justice  X.  to  the  judges'  entrance  to  the 
courts  in  Carey  Street  the  other  moi-ning.  Holding  out  in  the 
vast  solitude  of  his  palm  the  coin  given  him,  he  asked  indignantly, 
•'  What  do  yer  call  this  ? "  His  lordship  gave  no  heed  to  the 
question,  but  passed  through  the  doorway.  "  Well,  I'm  blowed," 
exclaimed  cabby — "  and  I  help  to  pay  that  man  five  thousand 
quid  a  year  !  " 

Thinking  "  Nothing  of  It." 

On  one  occasion,  when  Dr  Lonsdale,  Bishop  of  Lichfield,  had 
spoken  on  the  importance  of  diligent,  painstaking  preparation  for 
the  pulpit,  a  verbose  young  clergj-man  said  :  ''Why,  my  lord,  I 
often  go  to  tho  vestry  even  without  what  text  I  shall  preach  upon, 
yet  I  go  up  and  preach  an  extempore  sermon,  and  think  nothing 
of  it."    The  bishop  replied,  "Ah,  well!  that  agrees  with  what  I 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  155 

bear  from  your  people  :  for  they  hear  the  sermon,  and  they  also 
think  nothing  of  it."     [11] 

Johnson  and  Ills  Fair  Flatterer. 

"  It  was  near  the  close  of  Johnson's  life  that  two  young  ladies 
who  were  warm  admirers  of  his  works,  but  had  never  seen 
himself,  went  to  Bolt  Court,  and,  asking  if  he  was  at  home,  were 
shown  upstairs  where  he  was  writing.  He  laid  down  bis  pen  on 
their  entrance  ;  and  as  they  stood  before  him  one  of  the  females 
repeated  a  speech  of  some  length  previously  prepared  for  the 
occasion.  It  was  an  enthusiastic  effusion,  to  which,  when  the 
speaker  had  finished,  she  panted  for  her  idol's  reply.  What  was 
her  mortification  when  all  he  said  was  *  Fiddle-de-dee,  my 
dear.'"    [24] 

A  Witty  Description  of  a  Wedding. 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  very  unhappy  in  marriage  married 
again  immediately  after  his  wife  died  :  Johnson  said,  "  It  was  the 
triumph  of  hope  over  experience."     [22] 

Politeness  in  Prayer. 
In  a  country  parish  the  wife  of  the  lord  of  the  manor  came  to 
church,  after  her  confinement,  to  return  thanks.  The  parson, 
aiming  to  be  courtly,  and  thinking  plain  "woman"  too  vulgar, 
instead  of  saying,  "  0  Lord  !  save  this  woman ;  "  said,  "  0  Lord  ! 
save  this  lady  !  "  The  clerk,  resolving  not  to  be  behindhand  with 
him  in  politeness,  answered,  "who  putteth  her  ladyship's  trust  in 
Thee."     [11] 

Counting  the  Cost. 

For  a  wary  and  thrifty  business  man,  commend  us  to  a  com- 
mercial traveller  who  the  other  day  received  from  a  wealthy 
acquaintance  in  another  city  a  proposal  to  marry  his  daughter. 
The  letter  added  :  "Be  sure  to  come;  my  daughter  is  an  ac- 
knowledged beauty,  and  is  sure  to  please  you."  The  commercial 
traveller  wrote  back  that  he  was  willing  to  come,  but  cautiously 
inquired :  "  Suppose,  however,  she  does  not  please  me,  will  you 
pay  my  travelling  expenses  home  again  ?  " 

Obeying  Orders. 
The  officer  on   duty  for  the  week  gives  instructions   to  his 
orderly,  whose  business  it  is  to  wait  at  table  :  "  Before  removing 
the  soup-plates  always  ask  each  person  if  he  would  like  any  more.  ' 


156  E  VBR  VBOD  Y'S  BOOK  OF 

"  Very  good,  sir."  Next  day  the  orderly,  respectfully  bowing  to 
one  of  the  guests,  inquires :  "  Would  the  gentleman  like  some 
more  soup  ? "     "  Yes,  please. "     "  There  isn't  any  left." 

True  Enough,  and  Enough,  Though  True. 

The  following  epigram  was  made  when  Dr  Goodenough,  Bishop 
of  Carlisle,  was  one  day  appointed  to  preach  before  the  House  of 
Peers : — 

"  'Tis  well  enough  that  Goodenough 
Before  the  Lords  should  preach  ; 
For  svire  enough,  they're  bad  enough 
He  undertakes  to  teach." 
"When  the  above  prelate  was  made  a  bishop,  a  certain  dignitary, 
whom  the  public  had  expected  to  get  the  appointment,  being 
asked  by  a  friend  how  he  came  not  to  be  the  new  bishop,  replied  : 
"Because  I  was  not  Good  enough  1 "    [11] 

Marriage— A  Revenge. 

Mrs  Sternmfe  :  "  Yes,  indeed.  Miss  Firstsummer,  I  know  how 
exasperating  it  is  to  have  one's  affections  trifled  with.  A  yoimg 
man  attempted  to  trifle  with  my  heart,  but  I  tell  you  I  got  even 
with  him." 

Miss  Firstsummer  :  "You  jilted  him  when  he  finally  proposed, 
I  presume  ? " 

"  Mrs  Stermcife :  "  No,  I  married  him." 

Transposition ! 

"My  dear,"  said  a  gentleman  to  his  wife,  "our  club  is  going 
to  have  all  the  home  comforts." 

"  Indeed,"  replied  she  ;  "and  when  is  our  home  going  to  have 
all  the  club  comforts  ?  " 

Johnson's  Letter  to  the  Earl  of  Chesterfield. 

"  Seven  years,  my  Lord,  have  now  passed  since  I  waited  in  your 
outward  "rooms  or  was  repulsed  from  your  door ;  during  which 
time  I  have  been  pushing  on  my  work  through  difficulties  of  which 
it  is  useless  to  complain,  and  have  brought  it,  at  last,  to  the 
verge  of  publication,  without  one  act  of  assistance,  one  word  of 
encouragement,  or  one  smile  of  favour.  Such  treatment  I  did  not 
expect,  for  I  never  had  a  Patron  before. 

"Is  not  a  Patron,  my  Lord,  one  who  looks  with  unconcern  on  a 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR,  157 

man  struggling  for  life  in  the  water,  and,  when  he  has  reached 
ground,  encumbers  him  with  help?  The  notice  which  you  have 
been  pleased  to  take  of  my  labours,  had  it  been  early,  had  been 
kind  ;  but  it  has  been  delayed  till  I  am  indififerent,  and  cannot 
enjoy  it ;  till  I  am  solitary  and  cannot  impart  it  ;  till  I  am  known, 
and  do  not  want  it.  I  hope  it  is  no  very  cynical  asperity  not  to 
confess  obligations  where  no  benefit  has  been  received,  or  to  be 
unwilling  that  the  Public  should  consider  me  as  owing  that  to  a 
Patron  which  ProvidencL  has  enabled  me  to  do  for  myself."    [22] 

Johnson  and  "  Fools. " 
"Mis  Knowles :  'I  hope,  Doctor,  thou  wilt  not  remain  un- 
forgiving ;  and  that  you  will  renew  your  friendship,  and  joyfully 
meet  at  last  in  those  bright  regions  where  pride  and  prejudice 
can  never  enter.'  Dr  Johnson:  *  Meet  her!*  I  never  desire  to 
meet  fools  anywhere  ! '"    [22] 

Meat  or  Bones  ? 

The  Rev.  John  Newton  one  day  heard  a  minister  preach  who 
affected  great  accuracy  in  his  discourses,  and  who  had  occupied 
nearly  an  hour  on  several  laboured  and  nice  distinctions.  Hav- 
ing a  high  esteem  for  Mr  Newton's  judgment,  he  inquired  of  him 
whetner  he  thought  these  distinctions  were  full  and  judicious  ? 

Mr  Newton  said  he  thought  them  not  very  full,  as  a  very  im- 
portant one  had  been  omitted. 

"  What  can  that  be  ? "  inquired  the  minister,  "for  I  have  taken 
more  than  ordinary  care  to  enumerate  them  fully." 

"I  think  not,"  replied  Mr  Newton,  "for  when  many  of  your 
congregation  have  travelled  several  miles  for  a  meal,  I  think  you 
should  not  have  forgotten  the  important  distinction  which  must 
ever  exist  between  meat  and  bones."    [11] 

A  Prayer  WMch  Could  not  be  Answered. 

The  Rev.  Robert  Hall  had  a  very  large  mouth.  He  was  as 
well  aware  of  this  as  any  one  else,  and  one  morning  at  a  breakfast 
party  at  Bristol,  on  the  occasion  of  family  prayers,  a  young 
minister,  referring  to  a  sermon  about  to  be  delivered  by  the 
distinguished  divine,  prayed  the  Lord  would  "open  his  mouth 
wider  than  ever."  When  they  rose  from  their  knees,  Mr  Hall 
said,  •'  Wellj  sir,  did  you  pray  that  my  mouth  might  be  opened 

*Miss  Jane  Harry,  who  had  ofifended  Johnson  by  becoming  a  proselyte  to 
Quakerism 


158  EVERTBODTS  BOOK  OF 

wider  ?    It  couldn't  well  be  doue,  sir,  unless  it  was  slit  from  ear  to 
ear,  sir."    [11] 

Going  to  "  Star  "  or  '•  To  Starve  "  ? 

Charles  Mathews  once  went  to  perform  at  Wakefield,  where, 
owing  to  the  depressed  state  of  trade,  the  drama  received  no 
support.  He  was  afterwards  asked  how  much  money  he  had 
made  at  Wakefield,  and  replied  : 

"Not  a  shilling  !  " 

"  Not  a  shilling  ? "  repeated  his  questioner.  "  Why,  I  thought 
you  went  there  to  star  ?  " 

"  So  I  did,"  replied  Mathews  ;  "  but  they  spell  it  with  a  *  ve '  in 
Wakefield." 

A  Quaker's  Impatience  to  See  Ms  Visitor  "again." 

A  gentleman  of  indolent  habits  made  a  business  of  visiting  his 
friends  extensively.  He  was  once  cordially  received  by  a  Quaker, 
who  treated  his  visitor  with  great  attention  and  politeness  for 
several  days.     At  last  he  said  : 

"  My  friend,  I  am  afraid  thee  will  never  visit  me  again." 

"Oh  yes,  I  shall,"  said  the  visitor;  "I  have  enjoyed  my  visit 
much  ;  I  shall  certainly  come  again." 

"Nay,"  said  the  Quaker,  "I  think  thee  wiU  not  visit  me 
again." 

"What  makeb  you  think  I  shall  not  come  again?"  asked 
the  visitor. 

"If  thee  does  never  leave,"  said  the  Quaker,  "how  canst  thee 
come  again  '■ ' ' 

The  Wrecked  Archbishop  and  tlie  Eleventh  Commandment. 

Archbishop  Usher,  when  crossing  the  Channel  from  Ireland  to 
this  country,  was  wrecked  on  some  part  of  the  Coast  of  Wales. 
On  this  disastrous  occasion,  after  having  reached  the  shore,  he 
made  the  best  of  his  way  to  the  house  of  a  clergyman,  who 
resided  not  far  from  the  spot  on  which  he  was  cast.  Without 
communicating  his  name  or  his  exalted  station,  the  archbishop 
introduced  himself  as  a  brother  clergyman  in  distress,  and  stated 
the  particulars  of  his  misfortune.  The  Cambrian  divine,  sus- 
pecting his  imknown  visitor  to  be  an  impostor,  gave  him  no  very 
courteous  reception,  and  having  intimated  his  suspicions,  said: 
"I  daresay  you  can't  tell  me  how  many  commandments  there 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  159 

are  ?  " — "There  are  eleven,"  replied  the  archbishop,  very  meekly. 
— "Repeat  the  eleventh,"  rejoined  the  other,  "  and  I  will  relieve 
your  distress." — "  Then  you  will  put  the  commandment  in 
practice,"  answered  the  primate;  "A  new  commandment  I  give 
unto  you,  that  you  love  one  another."    [11] 

Perhaps  it  Was  the  Fault  of  the  Absent  One. 

A  gentleman  once  told  Dr  Johnson  that  a  friend  of  his,  looking 
into  the  Dictionary  which  the  doctor  had  lately  published,  could 
not  find  the  word  ocean.  "Not  find  'ocean,'"  exclaimed  our 
lexicographer  ;  "sir,  I  doubt  the  veracity  of  your  information  !" 
He  instantly  stalked  into  his  library  and,  opening  the  work  in 
question  with  the  utmost  impatience,  at  last  triumphantly  put  his 
finger  upon  the  subject  of  research,  adding,  -'There,  sir,  there  is 
ocean ! "  The  gentleman  was  preparing  to  apologise  for  the 
mistake  ;  but  Dr  Johnson  good-naturedly  dismissed  the  subject 
with  "  Never  mind  it,  sir  ;  perhaps  your  friend  spells  ocean  with 
an  s."    [241 

A  Witty  Drunkard. 

The  following  happened  on  a  crowded  car.  A  seedy-looking 
man,  very  much  the  worse  for  having  looked  too  often  on  the  wine 
when  it  was  red,  rose  to  give  his  seat  to  a  lady,  when  a  robust  man 
slipped  into  the  vacated  seat,  leaving  the  lady  still  standing. 
"Sa-a-y,  you — you  feller  you,"  said  the  boozy  but  chivalrous 
individual,  as  he  swayed  to  and  fro,  hanging  to  a  strap — "  I — Im 
drunk,  I  know,  but  I — I'll  git  over  it,  1  will ;  but  you — you're  a 
hog,  an'  you — you'll  never  got  over  it — no,  sir,  never."  And  the 
other  passengers  agreed  with  him. 

A  Pointed  Question  and  a  Rough  Answer. 

It  is  related  that  at  Dunvegan,  Lady  MacLeod  having  poured  out 
for  Dr  Johnson  sixteen  cups  of  tea,  asked  him  if  a  small  basin 
would  not  save  him  trouble  and  be  more  agreeable. 

"I  wonder,  Madam,"  answered  he  roughly,  "why  all  ladies 
ask  me  such  questions.  It  is  to  save  yourselves  trouble,  Madam, 
and  not  me." 

The  lady  was  silent,  and  resumed  her  task.    [27] 

An  Open  Question. 

At  a  country  debating  club,  the  question  was  discussed, 
whether  there  is  more  happiness  in  the  possession  or  pursuit  of 
an  obiect  ? 


leO  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"  Mr  President,"  said  an  orator,  "  suppose  I  was  courtin'  a  gal, 
and  she  was  to  run  away,  and  I  was  to  run  after  her  ;  wouldn't  T 
be  happier  when  I  catch'd  her  thaa  when  I  was  running  after 
her?" 

Mr  President  replied  that  he  could  not  see  how  that  was  to  be 
ascertained  before  she  was  caught. 

A  Methodical  Maniac. 

A  gentleman  of  the  name  of  Man,  residing  near  a  private  mad- 
house, met  one  of  its  poor  inhabitants,  who  had  broken  from  his 
keeper.  The  maniac  suddenly  stopped,  and  resting  upon  a  large 
stick,  exclaimed,  "Who  are  you,  sir  ? " 

The  gentleman  was  rather  alarmed,  but  thinking  to  divert  his 
attention  by  a  pun,  replied,  "  I  am  a  douhle  man  ;  I  am  Man  by 
name,  and  man  by  nature." 

"  Are  you  so?"  rejoined  the  other  ;  "  why,  I  am  a  man  beside 
myself,  so  we  two  will  fight  you  two." 

He  then  knocked  down  poor  Man,  and  ran  away. 

A  Recognised  Need. 

A  stormy  discussion  arose  once  in  Douglas  Jen-old's  company, 
during  which  a  gentleman  rose  to  settle  the  matter  in  dispute. 
Waving  his  hand  majestically  over  the  excited  disputants,  he 
began  :  "  Gentlemen,  all  I  want  is  common  sense." 

'"Exactly,"  Douglas  Jerrold  interrupted,  "that  is  precisely 
what  you  do  want." 

The  disciission  was  lost  in  a  burst  of  laughter.     [25] 

Division  of  Labour  in  observing  the  Church  Calendar. 

There  are  many  advantages  in  variety  of  conditions,  one  of  which 
is  boasted  by  a  divine,  who  rejoices  that,  between  both  classes, 
'  all  the  holidays  of  the  Church  are  properly  kept,  since  the  rich 
observe  the  feasts,  and  the  poor  observe  the  fasts. " 

Club  Etiquette— Learned  from  Observation, 

There  have  recently  been  published  several  very  edifying  works 
upon  "Etiquette,"  and  the  mode  of  behaving  well  in  company. 
As  no  book  touching  the  conduct  of  Club  society  has  yet  appeared, 
and  this  is  the  season  ot  the  year  at  whicn  those  admirable  institu- 
tions are  making  weekly  acquisitions  m  the  shape  of  new 
uiembej's,  we  have  thought  it  might  be  neither  superfluous  nor 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  16] 

disagreeable  to  give  the  recently  admitted    candidates  a  few 
leading  rules  for  their  behaviour,  in  the  way  of  directions. 

Thus,  in  the  first  place,  find  fault  with  everything,  and  bully  the 
waiters.  What  do  you  pay  your  subscription  for,  but  to  secure 
that  privilege  ?  Abuse  the  Committee  for  mismanagement, 
until  you  get  into  it  yourself — then  abuse  everybody  else. 

Never  shut  the  door  of  any  room  into  which  you  may  go,  or  out 
of  which  you  may  come. 

When  the  evening  papers  arrive,  pounce  upon  three  ;  keep  one 
in  your  hand  reading,  another  under  your  arm,  ready  to  relieve 
that  ;  and  sit  down  upon  a  third.  By  this  means  you  possess  yotir- 
self  of  the  opinions  of  all  parties,  without  being  influenced  by  any 
one  of  them. 

If  you  wish  to  dine  early  and  cheap,  order  some  cold  meat  just 
before  three  o'clock — it  will  then  be  charged  as  luncheon  ;  bread, 
pickles,  etc.,  gratis.  Drink  table  beer,  because,  as  the  Scotch 
gentleman  said  of  something  very  different,  "  It  is  vary  pleasant, 
and  costs  nothing." 

If  you  dine  on  the  joint,  get  it  first,  and  cut  aU  the  best  parts  off, 
and  help  yourself  to  twice  as  much  as  you  want,  for  fear  you 
should  never  see  it  again. 

If  you  are  inclined  to  read  the  newspaper  when  you  have 
finished  your  meat,  make  use  of  the  cheese  as  a  reading  desk  ; 
it  is  very  convenient,  and,  moreover,  makes  the  paper  smell  of 
cheese,  and  the  cheese  taste  of  paper. 

If  you  come  in,  and  see  a  man  whom  you  know,  dining  quietly 
by  himself,  or  two  men  dining  sociably  together,  draw  your  chair 
to  their  table  and  volunteer  to  join  them.  This  they  cannot  well 
refuse,  although  they  may  wish  you  at  Old  Scratch.  Then  call 
for  the  bill  of  fare  and  order  your  dinner,  which,  as  the  others  had 
half  done  before  yowc  arrival,  will  not  be  served  till  they  have 
quite  finished  theirs.  This  will  enable  them  to  enjoy  the  gratifi- 
cation of  seeing  you  proceed  through  the  whole  of  your  meal  from 
soup  to  cheese  inclusive,  while  they  are  eating  their  fruit  and 
sipping  their  wine. 

If  you  drink  tea,  call  for  a  "  cup  "  of  tea  ;  when  the  waiter  has 
brought  it,  abuse  him  for  its  being  too  strong,  and  desire  him  to 
fetch  an  empty  cup  and  a  small  jug  of  boiling  water  ;  then  divide 
the  tea  into  the  two  cups  and  fill  up  both  with  the  water.  By  this 
method  you  get  two  cups  of  tea  for  the  price  of  one.  JSf.B. — The 
milk  and  sugar  not  charged  for. 
F 


162  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

If  you  are  a  literary  man,  always  write  yoiir  books  at  the  club- 
pen,  ink,  and  paper,  gratis  ;  a  circumstance  which  of  itself  is 
likely  to  make  your  productions  profitable. 

When  there  is  a  ballot,  blackball  everybody  you  do  not  happen 
to  know.  If  a  candidate  is  not  one  of  your  own  personal  acquaint- 
ance, he  cannot  be  fit  to  come  there. 

If  you  are  interested  about  a  friend,  jwst  yourself  directly  in 
front  of  his  balloting  box,  and  pester  everybody,  whether  you  know 
them  or  not,  to  give  him  a  vote  ;  this,  if  pertinaciously  adhered  to, 
will  invariably  settle  his   ate,  one  way  or  the  other. 

Always  walk  about  the  coffee-room  with  your  hat  on,  to  show 
your  own  independence,  and  your  respect  for  the  numerous  noble- 
men and  gentlemen  who  are  sitting  at  dinner  without  theirs. 

When  you  are  alone  in  any  of  the  rooms  where  writing  materials 
are  deposited,  help  yourself  to  covers,  notepaper,  sealing-wax,  and 
black-lead  pencils  at  discretion ;  they  are  as  much  yours  as  any 
other  member's,  and,  as  you  contribute  to  pay  for  them,  what 
difference  can  it  make  whether  you  use  them  at  the  club  or 
at  home  ? 

When  you  go  away,  if  it  is  a  wet  night,  and  you  are  without  a 
cloak  or  great  coat,  take  the  first  that  fits  you  ;  you  can  send  it 
back  in  the  morning  when  it  is  fine  :  remember  you  do,  and  ex- 
plain that  it  was  taken  by  mistake.  This  inile  applies  equally  to 
umbrellas. 

Never  pay  your  subscription  till  the  very  last  day  fixed  by  the 
regulations ;  why  should  the  trustees  get  the  interest  of  your 
money  for  two  or  three  months  ?  Besides,  when  strangers  come 
in  and  see  the  house,  they  will  find  your  name  over  the  fire- 
place, which  will  show  that  you  belong  to  the  Club. 

An  observance  to  these  general  rules,  with  a  little  attention  to 
a  few  minor  points,  which  is  scarcely  possible  to  allude  to  more 
particularly  here,  will  render  you  a  most  agreeable  member  of  the 
Society  to  which  you  belong,  and  which  it  will  be  right  to  denounce 
everywhere  else  as  the  most  execrable  hole  in  London,  in  which 
you  can  get  nothing  fit  either  to  eat  or  drink,  but  in  which  you, 
yourself,  nevertheless,  breakfast,  dine,  and  sup  every  day,  when 
you  are  not  otherwise  engaged.     [28] 

Skeleton  Humour. 

Nothing  amuses  me  more  than  to  observe  the  utter  want  of  per- 
ception of  a  joke  in  some  minds.  MrS  Jackson  called  the  other 
day,  and  spoke  of  the  oppressive  heat  of  last  week. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  16S 

"  Heat,  ma'am  !  "  I  said,  "  it  was  so  dreadful  here,  that  I  found 
there  was  nothing  left  for  it  but  to  take  off  my  flesh  and  sit  in  my 
bones." 

"Take  off  your  flesh  and  sit  in  your  bones,  sir?  Oh,  Mr 
Smith !  how  could  you  do  that  ? "  she  exclaimed  with  the  ut- 
most gravity. 

"  Nothing  more  easy,  Ma'am  :  come  and  see  next  time." 

But  she  ordered  her  carriage,  and  evidently  thought  it  a  very 
unorthodox  proceeding.     [2] 

A  Tribute  to  Scotch  Thrift. 

A  gentleman,  talking  to  Dr  Johnson,  spoke  of  some  Scotch 
settlers  who  had  taken  possession  of  a  barren  part  of  America, 
and  wondered  why  they  should  choose  it. 

Johnson  replied  :  ' '  Why,  sir,  all  barrenness  is  comparative. 
The  Scotch  would  not  know  it  to  be  barren." 

Colman's  Wit  and  Humour. 

Colman's  best  jokes  have  been  chronicled  by  Mr  Peake.*  Hero 
are  a  few  : — 

Colman  and  Bannister  were  dining  one  day  with  Lord  Erskine, 
the  ex-chancellor,  who,  in  the  course  of  conversation  on  rural 
afifairs,  boasted  that  he  kept  on  his  pasture  land  nearly  a  thousand 
sheep.  "  I  perceive,  then,"  said  Colman,  "  your  Lordship  has  still 
an  eye  to  the  Woolsack." 

Colman,  himself  no  giant,  delighted  in  quizzing  persons  of  short 
stature.  Listen  and  pretty  little  Mrs  Liston,  were  dining  with 
him,  and  towards  evening,  when  preparing  to  leave  their  host, 
Liston  said,  "  Come,  Mrs  L.,  let  us  be  going."  "  Mrs  L.  [Ell], 
indeed,"  exclaimed  Colman,  "Mrs  Inch,  you  mean." 

One  day,  speaking  of  authorship  as  a  profession,  Colman  said, 
'*  It  is  a  very  good  walking-stick,  hut  very  bad  crutches."  (This 
is  usually  attributed  to  Sir  Walter  Scott. ) 

A  Mr  Faulkener,  from  the  provinces,  had  been  engaged  at  The 
llayraarket.     Colman  was  disappointed  with  his  new  actor,  who 
liad  to  deliver  the  following  line,  which  ho  spoke  in  a  nasal  tone  : 
"  Ah  !  where  is  my  honour  now  ? " 
*  Reprinted  from  "Random  Records,"  by  George  Colman  the  younger, 
2  vols.,  1830.    Dedicated,  by  permission,  to  George  IV. 
f2 


164  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Colman,  who  was  behind  the  scenes,  took  a  hasty  pinch  of 
aniiff,  and  muttered,  "  I  wish  your  honour  was  back  at  Newcastle 
again,  with  all  my  heart." 

A  debutant  at  the  Haymarket  appeared  as  Octaviax,  in  the 
Mountaineers.  It  was  soon  discovered  that  he  was  incompetent  ; 
Colman  was  in  the  green-room,  and  growing  fidgety  when  the  new 
performer  came  to  the  line, 

"  I  shall  weep  soon,  and  then  I  shall  be  better." 

" I'll  be  hung  if  you  will,"  said  Colman,  "if  you  cry  your  eyes 
out." 


Colman  was  habitually  late  to  take  rest,  and  was  consequently 
very  late  in  bed  during  the  daytime.  On  Mr  Theodore  Hook 
calling  one  afternoon  at  his  house,  his  name  was  immediately 
carried  up  to  Colman. 

"  What's  the  hour  ? " 

"  Past  three,  sir." 

' '  What,  does  Mr  Hook  suppose  I  rise  with  the  lark  ?  Ask  him 
to  return  at  any  reasonable  hour,  and  I  shall  be  glad  to  see  him." 

George  IV.  presented  to  Colman  the  commission  of  Lieu- 
tenant of  the  Yeoman  of  the  Guard,  in  1820.  On  the  first 
.birthday  that  Colman  attended  oSicially,  in  full  costume,  his 
Majesty  seemed  much  pleased  to  see  him,  and  observed,  "Your 
uniform,  George,  is  so  well  made,  that  I  don't  see  the  hooks  and 
eyes." 

On  which,  Colman,  unhooking  his  coat,  said,  "Here  are  my 
eyes  ;  where  are  yours  ?  " 


At  the  table  of  George  IV. ,  when  Prince  Regent,  the  royal  host 
said,  "Why,  Colman,  you  are  older  than  I  am  !  " 

"Oh,  no,  sir,"  replied  Colman,  "I  could  not  take  the  liberty  of 
coming  into  the  world  before  your  Royal  Highness. " 


Turning  to  the  Duke  of  Wellington  (who  was  gold-stick  in 
waiting),  the  king  remarked,  "  George  Colman  puts  me  in  mind 
of  Pam." 

"If  that  is  the  case,"  exclaimed  Colman,  "  the  only  difference 
between  the  Duke  of  Wellington  and  me,  is,  that  I  am  the  hero 
of  Loo.     He,  of  Wateiloo  !  " 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  165 

A  party  of  visitors  were  standing  before  a  whole-length  portrait 
of  the  celebrated  Lord  North,  in  full  peer's  robes  with  a  long 
white  wand  in  his  hand,  which  no  one  appeared  to  understand. 
After  nodding  his  head  for  half  a  minute,  and  effecting  to  rouse, 
he  said,  "  Eh !  white  wand  ?  don't  know,  egad  !  but  suppose  it 
represents  the  North  Pole  !  " 

When  Boaden  proauced  his  play  of  The  Italian  Monk  at  the 
Haymarket,  Colman  was  so  jealous  of  his  success,  that  next 
morning,  at  the  cutting  rehearsal,  he  said  to  his  stage -manager, 
"  Hang  the  fellow,  we  shall  now  be  pestered  with  his  plays,  year 
after  year  ! "  It  was  of  this  play  that  Boaden  said  he  had  in  it 
given  Billy  (Shakespeare)  the  go-by  ;  which  obtained  for  him  the 
soh'iquet  of  Billy  (he-go-by  Boaden. 

John  Taylor  sent  to  Colman  a  volume  of  his  poems  which  bore 
the  motto, — 

"  I  left  no  calling  for  his  idle  trade  ;  " 
to  which  Colman  added, — 

"  For  none  were  blind  enough  to  ask  thine  aid." 

Now  Taylor  was  an  oculist,  but  having  little  or  no  practice,  the 
satire  was  the  more  poignant.  Taylor  heard  of  this  jeu  d.  esprit ; 
and  shortly  after,  being  in  company  with  Colman,  the  word  calling 
was  incidentally  mentioned  by  the  latter,  when  Taylor,  with  great 
quickness,  interrupted  him  with,  ' '  Talking  of  callings,  my  dear 
boy,  your  father  was  a  great  dramatic  *  English  Merchant ; '  now 
your  dealings  are  and  always  will  be  those  of  a  small  Coal-tnan.  I 
think  I  had  you  there  !  What,  have  I  paid  you  for  your  '  None 
were  blind  enough,'  eh  ? " 

Colman  was  evidently  hurt. 


Hackett,  the  American  comedian,  had  been  engaged  by  Mr 
Bunn,  at  Drury  Lane,  Being  in  want  of  a  new  part,  he,  or  some 
one  for  him,  had  made  an  alteration  in  Colman's  comedy  of  Who 
Wants  a  Guinea  ?  substituting  a  character, — Solomon  Swap, — for 
the  original  Solomon  Grundy.  This  amalgamation  had  to  undergo 
the  inspection  of  the  Examiner  of  Plays,  who  was  also  the  author 
of  the  comedy.  Here  was  a  situation !  Colman  thus  addressed 
Bunn,  the  ostensible  manager,  on  the  subject : 

"Sir, — In  respect  to  the  alterations  made  by  Mr  Hackett,  a  most 
appropriate  name  on  the  present  occasion,  were  the  established 


166  E  VER  YBOD  Y'S  BOOK  OF 

play  of  any  living  dramatist  except  myself  so  mutilated,  I  should 
express  to  the  Lord  Chamberlain,  the  grossness  and  unfairness  of 
the  manager  who  encouraged  such  a  proceeding ;  but  as  the 
character  of  Solomon  Grundy  was  originally  a  part  of  my  own 
writing,  I  shall  request  his  grace  to  license  'the  rubbish,'  as  you 
call  it,  which  you  have  sent  me. — Your   obedient  servant,  G. 

COLMAN." 

He  was  an  admirable  punster.  Sheridan  once  said,  when  George 
made  a  successful  hit,  "I  hate  a  pun,  but  Colman  almost  recon- 
ciles me  to  the  infliction." 


He  was  once  asked  if  he  knew  Theodore  Hook ?  "Oh  yes,"  was 
his  reply,  "  Hook  and  I  [eye]  are  old  associates." 

A  young  man  being  hardly  pressed  to  sing  in  a  company  where 
Colman  formed  one  of  the  party,  solemnly  assured  them  that  he 
could  not  sing  ;  and  at  last  said,  rather  hastily,  "  That  they  only 
wished  to  make  a  butt  of  him."  "Oh,  no,"  said  Colman,  "my 
good  sir,  we  only  want  to  get  a  stave  out  of  you."     [29] 

The  Adulterator's  Alphabet. 

A's  the  mock  Auction — go,  buy  if  you  choose 

The  trash  palmed  upon  you  by  duffers  and  Jews. 

B  is  the  Baker  whose  loaves  sell  the  faster 

When  made  up  of  alum,  potatoes,  and  plaster. 

C  is  the  Clergyman — mind  he  don't  mix 

His  Kubric  with  Pusey's  or  Claphamite  tricks. 

D  is  the  Druggist — the  Lancet  explains 

How  he  poisons  each  drug  and  increases  your  pains. 

E's  the  Excise  that  affixes  its  locks — 

But  very  queer  mixtures  come  out  of  the  docks. 

V  is  the  Fellow — whose  Furniture  falls 

To  pieces,  as  soon  as  it's  set  round  your  walls. 

Cr  is  the  Grocer — the  rascal  is  he, 

Who  puts  sand  in  your  sugar  and  sticks  in  your  tea. 

El  is  the  Hatter — his  hats  (which  you  bet) 

Turn  shamefully  brown  the  first  time  they  get  wet. 

Z  is  the  Ink-maker,  he's  a  nice  fellow — 

His  deepest  jet  black  in  a  week  becomes  yellow. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  167 

J  is  the  Jeweller — I  know  who  is  sold 

When  you've  bought  his  sham  gems  really  set  in  sham  gold. 

K  is  K.G.,  and  a  title  debased 

Since  Nick  and  Nurse  Ab  in  the  Chapel  were  graced. 

Ii  is  the  Laureate  who  tenders  us /or  song, 

A  lachrymose  whine  when  we  wanted  a  war-song. 

BS  is  the  Member — the  place-hunting  elf, 

Selling  rubbish  he's  no  right  to  sell — that's  himself. 

N  is  the  Nurse  who  your  suffering  insults, 

Who  gives  Godfrey  to  babies  and  plunders  adults. 

O  is  the  Omnibus  Cad  who  deceives 

Concerning  his  route,  and  who  lets  in  the  thieves 

P  is  the  Publican,  neck-deep  in  sin, 

With  salt  in  his  beer  and  with  turps  in  his  gin. 

Q's  the  Queen's  Government  (that's  but  a  phrase), 

Who  delude  their  good  mistress  in  all  kinds  of  ways. 

R's  the  Romance  writer,  read  with  a  groan  ; 

What 's  good  he  has  prigged,  and  what 's  stupid  's  his  own. 

S  is  the  Stock-jobber,  none  can  dispute 

That  a  bull  or  a  bear  is  a  low  kind  of  brute. 

T  is  the  Tailor  who  makes  us  all  wroth, 

With  his  skimping  bad  fits  and  his  rotten  old  cloth. 

U  is  your  Uncle,  the  usurer  Pop, 

And  legalised  cheating  goes  on  at  his  shop. 

V  is  the  Vintner,  you  trace  when  you  dine 

His  crimes  in  the  mess  that  is  brought  you  for  wine. 

VT  Js  the  Watchmaker,  nine  times  a  week 

His  "  warrants  "  should  bring  up  himself  to  the  Beak. 

Z  /"with  an  e)  's  the  Excheriuer,  which  axes 

All  sorts  of  unjust  and  irrational  taxes. 

Y  is  a  Yokel — when  he  meets  your  eyes 
Look  out— he's  most  Ifkely  a  thief  in  disguise. 

2i's  Zadkiel,  the  quack,  who  with  '*  Venus  "  and  "  Mars," 
Diddles  Zanies  by  lying  reports  from  the  stars.      [1] 

A  Keen  Judge. 

Justice  Taunton  was  remarkable  for  speaking  sometimes  rather 
••sharply  to  barristers  who  occupied  unnecessanly  the  time  of  the 
court,  or  who  fell  into  errors  in  point  of  law.     On  one  occasion  a 


168  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

request  was  made  to  him  to  enlarge  a  rule.  He  expressed  his 
intention  to  do  so. 

Up  started  a  learned  serjeant,  and  exclaimed,  "My  Lord,  in  the 
whole  course  of  my  experience  I  have  never  known  such  a  rule, 
under  such  circumstances,  to  be  enlarged." 

"Then,  my  learned  brother,"  replied  Taunton,  "I  shall  have 
the  pleasure  of  enlarging  the  rule  and  your  experience  at  the 
same  time." 

A  Question  which  needed  No  Answer. 

Hook's  street  fun  was  irrepressible.  We  read  of  his  walking  up 
to  a  pompous  person  in  the  trottoir  in  the  Strand,  and  saying  to 
him,  "I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,  but  may  I  ask.  Are  you  anyhody 
particular  1 " — but  he  did  not  wait  for  the  answer  of  the  magnifico. 

Referring  Him  to  a  Good  Authority. 

A  late  professor  taking  a  country  walk,  met  one  of  those  beings 
usually  called  fools. 

"Pray,"  says  the  professor,  accosting  him,  "how  long  can  a 
person  live  without  brains  ?  " 

"I  dunno,"  replied  the  fellow,  scratching  his  head;  "pray, 
how  long  have  you  lived  yourself,  sir  ?  " 

An  Old-fashioned  Gardener  on  Scientific  Farming. 

A  noble  lord,  in  conversation  with  his  gardener  one  day,  said  : 
"  George,  the  time  will  come  soon  when  a  man  will  be  able  to 
carry  the  manure  for  an  acre  of  land  in  one  of  his  waistcoat- 
pockets." 

To  which  the  gardener  replied  :  "I  believe  it,  sir  ;  but  he  will 
be  able  to  carry  all  the  crop  in  the  other  pocket." 

"  I  Slept,  and  0  How  Sweet  the  Dream." 

I  slept,  and  O  how  sweet  the  dream  ! 

In  Grange's  shop  there  sat  but  two  : 
And  strawberries  red  and  iciest  cream, 

Were  brought  to  me  by  I  know  who. 
He  whispered  low,  his  love  was  told. 

In  cream  the  fruit  he  made  me  plunge, 
And  if  I  found  the  ci-eam  too  cold, 

He  bade  me  try  a  cake  of  sponge. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  16& 

He  talked  of  all  that  makes  up  life, 
Of  dresses,  dances,  drives,  and  drums  ; 

Of  ponies  which  he'd  buy  his  wife. 
And  bracelets  costing  awful  sums. 

His  tones  grew  low — I  listened  well, — 
The  accents  changed  to  "  Marj'  Teggs  ! 
Your  Ma  have  rang  the  breakfast  bell. 
And  if  you're  late  you'll  git  no  heggs."     [1] 

Kingly  Courtesy  and  Quaker  Consistency. 

When  Penn  stood  before  Charles  II.  with  his  hat  on,  the  king 
put  off  his.  "Friend  Charles,"  'said  Penn,  "why  dost  thou  not 
put  on  thy  hat?"  "'Tis  the  custom  of  this  place,"  replied  the 
monarch,  "that  only  one  person  should  be  covered  at  a  time.' 

A  Grim  and  Witty  Description  of  the  Experience  of 
Some  Wives. 

Referring  to  the  poverty  too  often  endured  by  artists,  poets, 
authors,  and  other  men  of  genius,  Douglas  Jerrold  makes  Mr 
Mammoth  tell  his  wife  (in  the  piece  entitled  Law  and  Lions) 
that  "the  wives  of  geniuses  live  only  in  the  kitchen  of  im- 
agination. "     [25] 

Why  "  The  Spectator  "  excelled  "  The  Tattler." 

When  Sir  Richard  Steele  was  made  a  member  of  the  Commons 
it  was  expected  from  his  writings  that  he  would  have  been  an 
admirable  orator  ;  but  not  proving  so,  De  Foe  said,  "He  had 
better  have  comtinued  the  Spectator  than  started  the  Tattler," 

Thackeray  Broadening  Carlyle's  Vision. 

Carlyle  happened,  in  the  presence  of  Thackeray,  to  speak  in 
terms  of  qualified  admiration  of  Titian.  "  Oh  !  "  said  he,  "  they 
talk  a  great  deal  about  Titian  ;  /  could  never  see  much  in  him.' 

Thackeray  tapped  him  on  the  shoulder,  and  whispered,  "  Do 
you  think  that  is  Titian's  fault  ? " 

An  Opportunity  for  Boys  of  the  Right  Sort. 

A  farmer  sent  to  an  orphan  asylum  for  a  boy  that  was  smart, 
active,    brave,    tractable,    prompt,    industrious,    clean,    pious. 


170  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

intelligent,  good-looking,  reserved,  and  modest.  The  superin- 
tendent wrote  back  that,  unfortunately,  they  had  only  human  boys 
in  that  institution. 

Erskine's  Humour. 
Mr  Espinasse  was  conversing  with  Erskine  and  a  Mr  Lamb, 
■when  Erskine  remarked  how  much  habit  and  the  practice  of 
speaking  gave  a  man  confidence  in  addressing  the  court.  "I 
protest  I  don't  find  it  so,"  said  Mr  Lamb,  "for  though  I've  been 
a  good  many  years  at  the  bar,  and  have  had  vci'j  share  of  business, 
1  don't  find  my  confidence  increase  ;  indeed,  the  contrary  is 
rather  my  case. "  "Why,"  repfied  Erskine,  "it's  nothing  won- 
derful that  a  Lamb  should  grow  sheepish.'' 


One  night  Erskine  was  coming  out  of  the  House  of  Commons 
when  he  was  stopped  by  a  member  going  in,  who  accosted  him. 
"  Who's  up,  Erskine  ?  "  "  Windham, '*  was  tlie  reply.  "What's 
he  on  ? "     **  His  legs." 


Erskine  was  colonel  of  the  volunteer  corps  called  "The  Law 
Association."  Someone  wishing  to  quiz  him  told  him  that 
his  corps  was  much  inferior  to  the  Excise  Volunteei-s,  then 
notoriously  the  worst  in  London.  "  So  they  ought  to  be,"  good- 
humouredly  observed  Erskine,  "  seeing  that  the  Excise  people  are 
all  Caesars  (seizors)." 

A  Witty  Definition  of  Tact. 

Sidney  Godolphin — who  held  office  during  several  successive 
reigns,  and  in  that  of  Queen  Anne  became  Lord  High  Treasurer, 
and  received  the  title  of  earl — was  noted  for  his  tact,  his  know- 
ledge of  business,  and  his  capacity  for  making  himself  usefuL 
Charles  II.  said  of  him,  "  Sidney  Godolphin  is  never  in  the  way, 
and  never  out  of  the  way." 

The  First  Cake  after  the  Wedding. 

Young  Wije — "What's  the  matter,  my  dear?  Don't  you  like 
pound-cake?"  » 

Hiishand  (hesitatingly) — "  Y-e-s,  love  !  but  I  don't  care  for 
ten- pound  cake." 

Shortly  after  marriage  my  wife  produced  her  first  cake  on  a 
Sunday  afternoon,  asking  me  to  cut  it.  As  we  were  alone,  I  sug- 
gested we  should  not  cut  it,  when  my  wife  said,  "Nonsense — we 
can't  have  it  and  eat  it  too."     Putting  the  knife  to  it  I  found 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  171 

that  it  was  as  hard  as  plaster  of  Paris.  "  No,"  said  I,  "  but  it 
appears  likely  that  we  can  have  it  and  can't  eat  it. "  Itat  cake 
was  rolled  about  the  garden  like  a  grindstone  for  a  week  or  two, 
and  the  fowls  must  have  worn  their  beaks  very  much  in  their 
efforts  to  demolish  it.     Things  have  improved  since  then.     [20] 

"  I  cannot  bear  to  say  Farewell  I  "—and  the  Reason  why. 

I  cannot  bear  to  say  Farewell, 

And  yet  I  know  'tis  right, 
I  sniflf  the  dinner's  fragrant  smell, 

I  have  an  appetite. 
But  as  thou  dost  not  bid  me  stay, 

Of  course  I  cannot  stop  ; 
So  fare  thee  well — my  fare  to-day, 

Will  be  one  mutton  chop.     [1] 

Joseph  Gillott  and  Turner. 

One  day,  Mr  Gillott,  the  well-known  pen  manufacturer  of 
Birmingham,  sallied  from  his  hotel,  determined,  at  any  price,  to 
obtain  admission  to  the  enchanted  house  in  Queen  Anne  Street, 
where  Turner  lived  among  his  pictures.  He  was  rich,  he  was 
enthusiastic,  he  believed  strongly  in  the  power  of  the  golden  key 
to  open  any  door.  He  arrived  at  the  blistered  dirty  door  of  the 
house  with  the  black-crusted  windows.  He  pulled  at  the  bell ; 
the  bell  answered  with  a  querulous  melancholy  tinkle. 

There  was  a  long  unhospitable  pause  ;  then  an  old  woman 
looked  up  from  the  area,  and  presently  ascended,  and  tardily 
opened  the  door.  She  snappishly  asked  Mr  Gillott's  business. 
He  told  her  in  his  blandest  voice. 

"Can't  let  e'  in,"  was  the  answer,  and  she  tried  to  slam  the 
door.  But  during  the  parley  the  crafty  and  determined  Dives 
had  put  his  foot  in  ;  and  now,  refusing  to  any  longer  parley,  he 
pushed  past  the  feeble  enraged  old  she-Cerberus,  and  hurried 
upstairs  to  the  gallery. 

In  a  moment  Turner  was  out  upon  him  like  a  spider  on  another 
'spider  who  has  invaded  his  web. 

Mr  Gillott  bowed,  introduced  himself,  and  stated  that  he  had 
come  to  buy. 

*'  Don't  want  to  sell,"  or  some  other  rebufif,  was  the  answer  ;  but 
Gillott  shut  his  ears  to  all  Turner's  angry  vituperations. 

"Have  you  ever  seen  any  of  our  Birmingham  pictures,  Mr 
Turner  ?  '  was  his  only  remark. 


172  m^ERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"Never  'eard  of  'em,"  said  Turner. 

Gillott  pulled  from  his  pocket  a  fragile  bundle  of  Birmingham 
bank-notes  (about  £5000  worth). 

'  *  Mere  paper,"  said  Turner  with  grim  humour,  a  little  softened, 
and  enjoying  the  joke. 

"To  be  bartered  for  mere  canvas,"  said  Gillott,  waving  his 
hands  at  the  ' '  Building  of  Carthage  "  and  its  companions. 

"You're  a  rum  fellow,"  said  Turner,  slowly  entering  into 
negotiations,  which  ended  in  Gillott's  eventually  carrying  off  in 
his  cab  some  £5000  worth  of  Turner's  pictures. 

Rude  Wit. 

— ome  Tooke,  who  was  as  rude  as  he  was  republican,  being 
asked  by  George  III.  whether  he  played  at  cards,  replied  :  "  No, 
your  Majesty  ;  the  fact  is,  I  cannot  tell  a  King  from  a  Knave." 

Lookmg  Better  when  Least  Seen. 

A  gentleman  who  imagined  that  he  possessed  gifts  for  the 
ministry,  went  to  consult  the  Rev.  Rowland  Hill  on  the  subject, 
and  talked  about  "  hiding  his  talents."  Mr  Hill,  who  entertained 
different  views  of  the  matter  to  what  the  gentleman  himself  did, 
intimated  that  "for  his  part,  he  thought  the  closer  he  hid  them 
the  better."    [11] 

A  Promise  Defined,  Sought,  and  Obtained. 

An  elector  of  a  country  town,  who  was  warmly  pressed  during 
a  contest  to  give  his  vote  to  a  certain  candidate,  replied  that  it 
was  impossible,  since  he  had  already  promised  to  vote  for  the 
other. 

" Oh,"  said  the  candidate,  "in  election  naatters,  promises,  you 
know,  go  for  nothing." 

"  If  that  is  the  case,"  rejoined  the  elector,  "  I  promise  you  my 
vote  at  once." 

Result  of  being  "  Not  Under  the  Law." 

One  of  those  commonly  called  Antinomians  one  day  called  on 
Rowland  Hill,  to  call  him  to  account  for  his  too  severe  and  legal 
gospel. 

"Do  you,  sir,"  asked  Rowland,  "hold  the  Ten  Commandments 
to  be  a  rule  of  life  to  Christians  ?  " 

"  Certainly  not^"  replied  the  visitor. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  173 

The  minister  rang  the  bell,  and  on  the  servant  making  his  ap- 
pearance, he  quietly  said,  "John,  show  that  man  the  door,  and 
keep  your  eye  on  him  until  he  is  beyond  the  reach  of  every  article 
of  wearing  apparel,  or  other  property  in  the  hall !  "    [11] 

Johnson  on  "Derangement." 

Johnson  would  not  allow  the  word  dei'cmge  to  be  an  EngUsh 
word.  "Sir,"  said  a  gentleman  who  had  some  pretensions  to 
literature,  "  I  have  seen  it  in  a  book."  "  Not  in  a  hound  book," 
said  Johnson  ;  disarrange  is  the  word  we  ought  to  use  instead  of 
it."    [22] 

A  Lord's  Reason  for  Seeking  the  Lost  Ten  Tribes. 

There  was  a  meeting  in  the  City  to  receive  a  report  from  the 

society  for  the  discovery  of  the  lost  tribes  of  Israel.     Lord 

was  asked  to  take  the  chair.  "I  take,"  he  replied,  "a  great 
interest  in  your  researches,  gentlemen.  The  fact  is,  I  have 
borrowed  money  from  all  the  Jews  now  known,  and  if  you  can 
find  a  new  set  I  shall  feel  very  much  obliged."    [25] 

As  Green  as  Two  Peas. 

Two  silly  brothers,  twins,  were  very  much  about  town  in  Hook's 
time  ;  and  they  took  every  pains,  by  dressing  alike,  to  deceive 
their  friends  as  to  their  identity.  Tom  Hill  was  expatiating  upon 
these  modern  Dromios,  at  which  Hook  grew  impatient.  "  Well," 
said  Hill,  "  you  will  admit  that  they  resemble  each  other  wonder- 
fully :  they  are  alike  as  two  peas." — "They  are,"  retorted  Hook, 
"  and  quite  as  green  !  "    [28] 

An  Opposing  Counsel  Helping  to  Find  Bail. 

There  is  an  anecdote  related  of  Serjeant  Davy,  a  great 
lawyer  of  the  last  age.  A  gentleman  once  appeared  in  the  Court 
of  King's  Bench  to  give  bail  in  the  sum  of  £3000. 

Serjeant  Davy,  wanting  to  display  his  wit,  said  to  him,  sternly, 
"And  pray,  sir,  how  do  you  make  out  that  you  are  worth 
£3000?" 

The  gentleman  stated  the  particulars  of  his  property  up  to 
£2940. 

"That's  all  very  good,  but  you  want  £60  more  to  be  worth 
£3000." 

"  For  that  sum,"  replied  the  gentleman,  no  way  disconcerted, 
"  I  have  a  note  of  hand  of  one  Mr  Serjeant  Davy,  and  I  hope  lie 
will  have  the  honesty  soon  to  settle  it. '''' 


174  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

The  laughter  that  this  reply  excited  extended  even  to  the 
bench. 

The  Serjeant  looked  abashed.  And  Lord  Mansfield  observed 
in  his  usual  urbane  tone,  "  Well,  brother  Davy,  I  think  we  may 
accept  the  bail. " 

The  Origin  of  Evil. 

In  the  year  1869,  when  a  student  at  the  Nottingham  Institute, 
I  observed  on  a  street  wall  an  announcement  that  a  lecture  would 
be  delivered  at  certain  Assembly-rooms,  by  a  lady,  on  the  subject 
of    "Love,   Courtship    and    Marriage, — Not   Understood! — and 

Why  !  "    The  lady  was  Mrs  H L ,  who  at  that  time  was 

a  "Free  Thinker." 

Never  having  heard  a  woman  speak  in  public,  I  resolved  to 
correct  that  experience,  and  went.  A  reserved  seat  was  at  my 
disposal,  and,  for  the  sum  of  sixpence,  I  secured  a  seat  in  the  very 
front  row.  It  was  soon  apparent  that  the  place  was  a  nest  of 
free-thinkers.  After  a  short  interval  the  lady  began  to  throw 
what  she  called  light  into  our  dark  minds. 

The  substance  of  all  her  arguments  was  that  if  the  Bible  had 
not  been  written,  evil  would  not  have  been  suggested,  and 
consequently  that  we  should  never  have  known  by  experience 
half  the  evils  with  which  we  are  now  acquainted.  Speaking  of 
the  Marriage  Laws  of  England,  the  lecturer  said  that  these  should 
be  reversed  so  far  as  woman  was  concerned,  and  that  as  regpards 
"obeying"  the  husband,  she  "had  an  agreement  with  her 
gentleman  beforehand  that  she  shouldn't  mean  a  word  of  it. "  This 
confession  came  after  an  earnest  exhortation  to  the  "yoimg 
people  present "  to  be  truthful  and  sincere  before  marriage,  in 
order  that  their  lives  might  be  happy  afterwards. 

The  lecture  being  over,  a  general  invitation  to  a  discussion  was 
given  by  the  chairman. 

Rising,  I  asked  the  lady  to  tell  us  "  where  all  the  evil  came 
from  that  was  in  the  world  before  the  Bible  was  written  ; " 
adding  that  "the  e'vil  there  described  must  have  existed  before  it 
was  described,  and  was  therefore  not  produced  by  the  description." 
Next  I  complimented  her  on  the  splendid  advice  she  had  given  to 
"  young  people  "  on  honesty  and  truthfulness  before  marriage; 
but,  turning  on  her,  I  put  the  question  as  to  "  what  good  she 
expected  to  come  of  her  advice,  after  she  had  admitted  going  to 
church  with  a  lie  in  her  mouth,  which — although  her  husband  was 
not  deceived  by  it, — had  deceived  the  clergyman  who  married 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  175 

them.  Can  you,"  said  I,  "fairly  charge  the  Bible  with  having 
originated  this  particular  evil  ? "  Her  replies  were  evasive 
generalities,  which  left  both  my  questions  untouched,  and  I  left 
the  room,  telling  the  lecturer  that  the  Bible  had  lost  nothing  in 
my  estimation  by  her  remarks,  and  that  the  mystery  of  the  origin 
of  evil  was  a  mystery  still.     [20] 

The  Ruling  Passion  Strong  in— Disappointment. 

*' You'll  be  the  Surrey  Shakespeare,"  said  a  friend  to  Douglas 
Jerrold,  on  the  success  of  Thomas  a  Becket. 

"  The  somj  Shakespeare,  you  mean,"  was  the  qmck  retort  of 
Jerrold  (referring  to  his  poor  remuneration).     [25] 

Drawing  on  His  Only  Fund— Humour. 

When  Archbishop  Seeker  was  enthroned,  or  soon  after,  he 
gave  a  charge  to  his  clergy,  and  among  other  articles,  found  great 
fault  with  the  scant}'"  allowance  paid  to  curates.  Mr  Patten, 
curate  of  Whitstable,  was  there,  though  not  summoned — as  the 
primate,  afraid  of  hLs  remarks,  had  ordered  the  proctor  to  leave 
him  out  of  the  list. 

He  appeared  greatly  pleased  with  the  sentiments  of  the  prelate, 
and  expressed  his  satisfaction  by  rising  up  and  bowing  to  the 
Archbishop,  saying  in  a  loud  voice,  *'  I  thank  your  Grace." 

After  the  charge  was  over,  the  proctor,  by  mistake,  called  the 
Rev.  Mr  Patten,  who,  bu^tUng  through  the  crowd,  came  up  to 
the  Archbishop. 

His  Grace,  seeing  he  could  not  avoid  the  interview,  began  with 
the  usual  question,  "  You  are,  sir,  I  think,  curate  of  Whitstable  ?  " 

To  which  Patten  replied,  "  I  am,  may  it  please  your  Grace,  and 
have  for  it  received  from  your  Grace's  predecessors  the  paltr}'  sum 
of  £30  per  annum  only,  although  the  living  brings  in  above 
£300." 

"  Don't  enlarge,  Mr  Patten,"  said  the  Archbishop. 

"  No,  but  I  hope  your  grace  icill"  rejoined  the  curate. 

Patten  long  refused  to  read  the  Athanasian  Creed.  The 
Archdeacon,  reproving  him  for  that  omission,  told  him  that  his 
Grace  the  Aj-chbishop  read  it. 

' '  That  may  be, "  answered  Patten.  ' '  Perhaps  he  may  believe  it, 
but  I  don't.  He  believes  at  the  rate  of  £7000  per  annvun,  I  at 
that  of  less  than  £50." 

In  his  last  illness.  Patten  was  in  great  distress,  which  Dr  Seeker 


176  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

hearing,  sent  him  ten  guineas  (angels)  by  the  Archdeacon  ;  to 
whom  he  made  the  following  acknowledgment :  "Thank  his  Grace 
most  heartily,  and  tell  him,  now  I  know  him  to  be  a  man  of  God, 
for  I  have  seen  his  good  angels. "    [11] 

DayUglit  t 

A  sailor,  in  describing  the  first  efforts  to  become  nautical,  said 
that  just  at  the  close  of  a  dark  night  he  was  sent  aloft  to  see  if  he 
could  see  a  light.  As  he  was  no  great  favourite  with  the 
lieutenant,  he  was  not  hailed  for  some  hours. 

"Aloft  there  ?  "  at  length  was  heard  from  the  lieutenant. 

"Ay,  ay,  sir  !  " 

"  Do  you  see  a  light  ? " 

"Yes,  sir." 

"What  light?" 

"  Daylight,  by  jingo." 

A  Madman  Saved  from  Starvation  by  a  Doctor's  Wit. 

In  a  lunatic  asylum,  among  the  more  remarkable  patients,  was 
one  who  was  with  much  difficulty  saved  from  inflicting  death 
upon  himself  by  refusing  to  take  any  food.  He  Vas  under 
the  impression  that  he  was  dead,  and  declared  that  dead  people 
never  eat. 

It  was  obvious  to  all  that  the  issue  must  soon  be  fatal  if 
no  plan  was  foxind  out  to  disabuse  him  of  the  absured  notion. 

The  humane  doctor  resident  in  the  establishment  bethought 
him  of  the  following  stratagem  to  save  the  madman's  life.  He 
got  half-a-dozen  of  the  attendants  dressed  up  in  white  shrouds, 
and  their  faces  and  hands  rubbed  with  chalk,  so  as  to  resemble 
dead  men.  He  then  made  them  march  in  single  file,  with  death- 
like silence,  into  a  room  adjoining  that  of  the  patient,  where 
they  sat  down  to  a  hearty  meal.  The  door  was  purposely 
left  open,  that  the  man  who  thought  he  was  dead  might  see 
them. 

"Hallo!"  cried  he  presently  to  an  attendant,  "who  are 
these  ] " 

"  Dead  men,"  was  the  reply. 

"  What  ! ''  said  he.     "  Do  dead  men  eat  ? " 

"  To  be  sure  they  do,  as  you  see,"  answered  the  attendant. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  177 

"If  that's  the  case,  then,"  cried  he,  "I'll  join  them,  for  I'm 
starving." 

In  this  way  the  spell  was  instantly  broken,  and  the  patient 
saved  from  death  by  voluntary  starvation. 

Rochester's  Wit  Capped  by  Charles  II.'s  Humour. 

The  witty  Earl  of  Rochester,  the  favourite  of  Charles  II.,  one 
day  had  the  audacity  to  inscribe  the  following  epigram  on  the 
door  of  the  king's  bed-chamber  : 

"  Here  lies  our  sovereign  lord  the  king, 
Whose  word  no  man  relies  on  ; 
Who  never  said  a  foolish  thing, 
And  never  did  a  wise  one." 

When  the  king  read  the  inscription,  "True,"  said  he;  "my 
sayings  are  my  own,  but  my  doings  are  those  of  my  ministers." 

Ecclesiastical  Learning  in  the  Time  of  Charles  I. 

The  Assembly  of  Divines,  who,  in  the  time  of  Charles  I.,  were 
appointed  at  Westminster  to  regulate  the  ecclesiastical  govern- 
ment, and  all  matters  of  religion,  consisted  of  a  mixture  of  laymen 
and  divines,  Episcopalians,  Independents  and  Presbyterians.  For 
the  most  part,  they  were  men  of  little  parts  and  as  little  learning, 
and  Selden,  who  was  one  of  the  lay-members,  used  to  take  great 
delight  in  puzzling  them  by  questions  and  objections  beyond  their 
understanding. 

A  writer  of  that  period,  who  was  well  acquainted  with  them  and 
their  proceedings,  gives  this  account  of  Selden  and  the  Assembly: — 
"  Mr  Selden  visits  them  as  the  Persians  used  to  see  wild  asses 
fight :  when  the  Commons  have  tired  him  with  their  new  law, 
these  brethren  refresh  him  with  their  mad  gospel.  They  lately 
were  gravelled  betwixt  Jerusalem  and  Jericho;  they  knew  not 
the  distance  between  those  two  places — one  said  twenty  miles, 
another  ten,  and  at  last  it  was  concluded  to  be  seven,  for  this 
strange  reason,  that  fish  was  brovight  from  Jericho  to  Jerxisalem 
market.  Mr  Selden  smiled,  and  said  perhaps  the  fish  was  salt, 
and  so  stopped  their  mouths."    [11] 

Sydney  Smith's  Description  of  Curates. 

A  Curate — there  is  something  which  excites  compassion  in  the 
very  name  of  a  Curate  !  !  !  How  many  men  of  Purple,  Palaces, 
and  Preferment,  can  let  himself  loose  against  this  poor  workiiig 
man  of  God,  we  are  at  a  loss  to  conceive, — a  learned  man  in 


178  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

a  hovel,  with  sermons  and  saucepans,  lexicons  and  bacon,  Hebrew 
books  and  ragged  children — good  and  joatient — a  comforter  and  a 
preacher — the  tirst  and  purest  pauper  in  the  hamlet,  and  yet 
showing  that,  in  the  midst  of  his  worldly  misery,  he  has  the  heart 
of  a  gentleman,  and  the  spirit  of  a  Christian,  and  the  kindness  of 
a  pastor  ;  and  this  man,  though  he  has  exercised  the  duties  of  a 
clergyman  for  twenty  years — though  he  has  most  ample  testimonies 
of  conduct  from  clergj^men  as  respectable  as  any  Bishop — though 
an  Archbishop  add  his  name  to  the  list  of  witnesses,  is  not  good 
enough  for  Bishop  Marsh  ;  but  is  pushed  out  in  the  street,  with 
.  his  wife  and  children,  and  his  little  furniture,  to  surrender  his 
honour,  his  faith,  his  conscience,  and  his  learning — or  to  stai*ve  ! 
.  .  .  Men  of  very  small  incomes,  be  it  known  to  his  lordship,  have 
very  often  very  acute  feelings  ;  and  a  curate  trod  on  feels  a  pang 
as  great  as  when  a  bishop  is  refuted.     [2] 

A  School  for  Adidts. 

In  Thomas  Hood's  time  there  were,  of  course,  no  Boai'd  Schools. 
Amongst  the  foundations  for  the  promotion  of  National  Education, 
Hood  had  heard  of  schools  for  Adults ;  but  he  doubted  of  their 
existence.  ...  It  seemed  too  whimsical  to  contemplate  fathers 
and  venerable  grandfathei's,  emulating  the  infant  generation,  and 
seeking  for  instruction  in  the  rudiments.  .  .  .  The  picture  (wrote 
Hood)  notwithstanding  is  realised  !  Elderly  people  seem  to  have 
considered  that  they  will  be  as  awkwardly  situated  in  the  other 
world,  as  here,  without  their  alphabet, — and  Schools  for  Grown 
Persons  to  learn  to  read,  are  no  more  Utopian  than  New  Harmony. 
The  following  letter  from  an  old  gentleman,  whose  education  had 
been  neglected,  confii-ms  me  in  the  fact.  It  is  copied  verbatim 
and  literatim,  from  the  original  which  fell  into  my  hands  by 
accident : — 

Blark  Heath,  Xocember,  1827. 

Deer  Brother,— My  honnerd  Parents  being  Both  desist  I  feal 
my  deuty  to  give  you  Sum  Acoimt  of  the  Proggress  I  have  maid 
in  my  studdys  since  last  Vocation.  You  will  be  gratefied  to  hear  I 
arn  at  the  Hed  of  my  Class,  and  Tom  Hodges  is  at  its  bottom,  tho 
He  was  Seventy  last  Burth  Day,  and  I  am  onely  going  on  for 
Three  Skore  I  have  begun  Gografy,  and  do  exsizes  on  the 
Globs.  Infiggers  I  am  all  most  out  the  fore  Simples  and  going 
into  Compounds  next  weak.  In  the  mean  time  bop  you  will 
aproTo  my  Hand  riting  as  well  as  my  spelling,  witch  I  have 
took  grate  panes  with,  aa  you  desired.  As  for  the  French 
Tung.    Mr  Legender  says   I  shall  soon  get  the  pronounciation 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  17» 

as  well  as  a  Parishiner,  but  the  Master  thinks  its  not  advisible 
to  begin  Lattin  at  my  advanced  ears. 

With  respecks  to  my  Pearsonal  comfits  I  am  verry  happy  and 
midHng  Well,  xcept  the  old  Cumplant  in  my  To — but  the  Master 
is  so  kind  as  to  let  me  have  a  Cushion  for  my  feat.  If  their  is  any 
thing  to  cumplane  of  its  the  Vittles.  Our  Cook  don't  understand 
Maid  dishe.  Her  Currj's  is  xcrabble.  Tom  Hodges'  Foot  Man 
brings  him  Evry  Day  soop  from  Bu-ches,  I  wish  you  providid 
me  the  same.  On  the  hole  1  wish  on  menny  Acounts  I  was  a 
Day  border  partickly  as  Barlow  sleeps  in  our  Room  and  coffs  all 
nite  long.  His  brother's  Ashmy  is  wus  then  his.  He  has  took 
lately  to  snuff  and  I  have  wishes  to  do  the  like.  It's  very  dull 
after  Supper  since  Mr  Grierson  took  away  the  fellers  Pips,  and 
forbid  smocking,  and  allmost  raized  a  Pdot  on  that  hed,  and  some 
of  the  Boys  was  to  have  Been  horst  for  it  I  am  happy  (to)  say  I 
have  never  been  floged  as  yet  and  onely  Caind  once,  and  that 
was  for  damming  at  the  Cook's  chops  becous  they  was  so  overdun, 
but  there  was  to  have  been  fore  Wiped  yeaster  day  for  playing 
Wist  in  skool  hours,  but  was  Begd  off  on  account  of  their  Lum- 
oargo. 

1  am  sorry  to  say  Ponder  has  had  another  Stroak  of  the 
perry laticks  and  has  no  Use  of  his  Lims.  He  is  Parrs  fag— and 
Parr  has  got  the  Roomytix  bysides  very  bad  but  luckly  its  onelj- 
stiffind  one  Arm  so  he  has  still  Hops  to  get  the  Star  for  Heliocution 
Poor  Dick  Coombs  eye  site  has  quite  g<me,  or  he  would  have  a 
good  chance  for  the  Silvur  Pen. 

Mundy  was  one  of  the  Feller's  Burths  Days  and  we  was  to  have 
a  hole  Holiday,  but  he  dyed  sudnly  over  nite  of  the  appoplxy,  and 
disappinted  us  very  much.  Two  moor  was  fetcht  home  last  Weak 
so  that  we  are  getting  very  thin  partickly  when  we  go  out 
Wauking,  witch  is  seldom  more  than  three  at  a  time,  their  is 
allways  so  menny  in  the  nusry.  I  forgot  to  say  Garrat  run  off  a 
month  ago,  he  got  verry  Home-sick  ever  since  his  Grandchilderen 
ctun  to  sea  him  at  skool, — Mr  Grierson  has  expeld  him  for  running 
away. 

On  Tuesday  a  new  Schollard  cum.  He  is  a  very  old  crusty 
Chap  and  not  much  lick'd,  for  that  resin,  by  the  rest  of  the  Boys, 
whom  all  Teas  him,  and  call  him  Phig,  because  he  is  a  retired 
Grosser.  Mr  Grierson  declind  another  New  Boy  because  he 
hadn't  had  the  Mizzles.  I  have  red  Gay's  Pebbles  and  the  other 
books  you  were  so  kmd  to  send  me — and  would  be  glad  of  moor 
partickly  the  Gentlemans,  with  a  Welsh  Whig  and  a  Worming 


180  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Pan,  when  you  foreward  my  Closebox  with  my  clean  Lining,  like 
wise  sum  moor  Fleasy  Hoshery  for  my  legs,  and  the  Cardmums  I 
rit  for  with  the  French  Grammer,  &c.  Also  weather  I  am  to 
Dance  next  quarter.  The  Gimnystacks  is  being  interdeuced  into 
■our  Skool,  but  is  so  Voilent  no  one  follows  them  but  Old  Parr  and 
He  cant  get  up  his  Pole. 

I  have  no  more  to  rit,  but  hop  this  letter  will  find  you  as  Well 
as  me  ;  Mr  Grierson  is  in  Morning  for  Mr  Linly  Murry,  of  whose 
loss  you  have  herd  of — xcept  which  he  is  in  Quite  good  Helth  and 
desires  his  Respective  Complements  with  witch  I  remane,  Your 

DECTIFUL  AND  LOVING  BROTHER. 

P.S. — Barlow  and  Phigg  have  just  had  a  fite  in  the  yard  about 
calling  names  and  Phegg  has  pegged  Barlows  tooth  out,  But  it  was 
loose  before.  Mr  G.  dont  allow  Puglism,  if  he  nose  it  among  the 
Boys,  as  at  their  Times  of  lifes  it  might  be  fatle,  partickly  from 
puling  their  Coats  of  in  the  open  Are. 

Our  new  Husher  his  cum  and  is  verry  well  Red  in  his  Mother's 
tung,  witch  is  the  mane  thing  with  Beginers,  but  We  wish  the 
Frentch  Master  was  changed  on  Acount  of  his  Pollyticks  and 
Religun.  Brassbrige  and  him  is  always  Squabling  about  Bonny- 
party  and  the  Pop  of  Room.  Has  for  Barlow  we  cant  tell  weather 
He  is  a  Wig  or  Tory,  for  he  cant  express  his  Sentymints  for 
Coffing.     [31] 

Sydney  Smith's  Description  of  the  Irish  Clergy. 

The  revenue  of  the  Irish  Roman  Catholic  Church  is  made  of 
halfpence,  potatoes,  rags,  bones,  and  fragments  of  old  clothes, 
and  those — Irish  old  clothes.  They  worship  often  in  hovels,  or  in 
the  open  air,  from  the  icant  of  any  place  of  worship.  Their 
religion  is  the  religion  of  three-fourths  of  the  population  !  Not 
far  ofif,  in  a  well-windowed  and  well-roofed  house,  is  a  well-paid 
Protestant  clergyman,  preaching  to  stools  and  hassocks,  and 
crying  m  the  icilderness ;  near  him  the  clerk,  near  him  the  sexton, 
near  him  the  sexton's  wife — furious  against  the  errors  of  Popery, 
and  willing  to  lay  down  their  lives  for  the  great  truths  established 
jaX  the  Diet  of  Augsburg.     [2] 

A  Typical  Wooer. 

It  was  a  young  maiden  went  forth  to  ride, 
And  there  was  a  wooer  to  pace  by  her  side  ; 
His  horse  was  so  little  and  hers  so  high, 
He  thought  his  angel  was  up  in  the  sky. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR  181 

His  love  was  great  tho'  his  wit  was  small ; 
He  bade  her  ride  easy — and  that  was  all. 
The  very  horses  began  to  neigh, — 
Because  their  betters  had  nought  to  say. 

They  rode  by  elm,  and  they  rode  by  oak. 

They  rode  by  a  church-yard,  and  then  he  spoke  : 

"My  pretty  maiden,  if  you'll  agree 

You  shall  always  amble  through  life  with  me," 

The  damsel  answer'd  him  never  a  word, 

But  kicked  the  gray  mare,  and  away  she  spurr'd. 

The  wooer  still  foUow'd  behind  the  jade  ; 

Avid  enjoyed — like  a  wooer — the  dust  she  made. 

They  rode  thro'  moss,  and  they  rode  thro'  moor,- 
The  gallant  behind  and  the  lass  before  : — 
And  at  last  they  came  to  a  miry  place, 
And  there  the  sad  wooer  gave  up  the  chase. 

Quoth  he,  "  If  my  nag  were  better  to  ride, 

I'd  follow  her  over  the  world  so  wide. 

Oh,  it  is  not  my  love  that  begins  to  fail, 

But  I've  lost  the  last  glimpse  of  the  grey  mare's  tail !  "  [31] 

A  Gallant  Schoolboy's  Clever  Toast. 

The  Girls  !  May  they  add  charity  to  beauty,  subtract  envy 
from  friendship,  multiply  genial  affections,  divide  time  by  in- 
dustry and  recreation,  reduce  scandal  to  its  lowest  denominator, 
and  raise  virtue  to  its  highest  power. 

Sheridan's  Ability  Doubted  by  His  Son. 

The  late  R.  Brinsley  Sheridan  threatened  to  cut  his  son  off  with 
a  shilling.  He  immediately  replied  :  "  Ah,  father,  but  where 
will  you  borrow  that  shilling  ? "  This  humour,  so  like  his  own, 
procured  the  desired  pardon. 

Sydney  Smith  on  Official  Accuracy  (Couleur  de  "Rose.") 

The  term  official  accuracy  has  of  latf'  days  become  one  of  very 
ambiguous  import.  Mr  Rose,  we  can  see,  would  imply  by  it  the 
highest  possible  accuracy — as  we  see  office  peas  advertised  in  the 
window  of  a  shop,  by  way  of  excellence.  The  public  reports  of 
those,  however,  who  have  been  appointed  to  look  into  the  manner 
in  which  public  offices  are  conducted,  by  no  means  justify  this 


182  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

usago  of  the  term  ; — and  we  are  not  without  apprehensions,  that 
Dutch  politeness,  Carthaginian  faith,  Boeotian  genius,  and  official 
accuracy,  may  be  terms  equally  current  in  the  world  ;  and  that 
Mr  Rose  may,  without  intending  it,  have  contributed  to  make 
this  valuable  addition  to  the  mass  of  our  ironical  phraseology.  [2) 

"  I'd  Like  to  be  a  Parson  ! " 

A  curate  once  did  a  good  thing  in  his  way.  While  walking 
along  the  street  at  the  dinner-hour  he  passed  a  lot  of  bricklayers 
smoking  their  after-dinner  pipe,  and  heard  one  of  them  say  : 

I'd  like  to  be  a  parson,  and  have  naught  to  do  but  walk 
about  in  a  long  black  ooat,  and  carry  a  walking  stick  in  my  fist, 
and  get  a  lot  of  brass." 

Of  course  there  was  a  laugh  at  the  parson's  expense,  but  he 
turned  sharp  round  and  replied  : 

'  So  you'd  like  to  be  a  parson.     How  much  do  you  get  a 
week  ? '' 

"Twenty-seven  shillings,"  was  the  reply. 

'■Well,'  said  the  cvu^te,  "though  I'm  only  a  poor  man,  I'll 
give  you  twenty-seven  shillings,  if  you'll  come  along  with  me  for 
six  days,  and  see  how  you  like  it.  Then  you'll  be  better  able  to 
talk  about  it." 

The  bricklayer  tried  to  back  out  of  it,  but  his  mates  told  him  : 
"  Nay  man,  thou  saidst  thou'd  like  it ;  thou  mun  go  with  the 
parson  chap  '' 

So  he  put  on  his  coat  and  started  with  the  curate,  amidst  a  roar 
of  laughter.  The  parson  presently  turned  down  an  alley,  and 
told  his  companion  that  they  were  going  to  see  a  sick  man,  and 
that  he  must  mind  not  to  make  a  noise  going  upstairs. 

''What  might  be  the  matter  with  him?"  asked  the  brick- 
layer. 

'  Small-pox  I  "  said  the  parson. 

•  Oh,  then,"  said  the  man,  "I'll  just  wait  outside  for  you,  sir, 
for  I've  not  had  it  myself,  and  I've  got  a  wife  and  children  to 
think  of," 

•'That's  exactly  my  case,"  said  the  curate;  "for  I  have  not 
had  it,  and  I  have  a  wife  and  children  depending  on  me.  But 
you  agreed  to  come  with  me  wherever  1  went." 

The  man  of  bricks  began  not  to  like  it,  and  after  a  moment's 
hesitation  he  asked  '-    '■'■  And  where  are  you  going  next  ? '' 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  183 

The  parson  told  him  they  would  have  to  visit  another  hoiise 
that  day,  where  the  father  lay  in  his  cofl&n,  and  all  the  family 
were  down  with  scarlet-fever,  and  also  a  house  where  there  was 
typhus,  and  on  the  morrow  there  would  be  a  longer  round.  This 
floored  the  bricklayer. 

"Sir,"  he  said,  "  I'll  go  back  to  my  old  job,  if  you  please,  and 
I'll  say  no  more  agin  you  parsons." 

So  off  he  went,  and,  let  us  hope,  he  kept  his  word. 

Difference  Between  a  "  Board  "  and  a  "  Bench." 

A  Dissenting  minister  once  complaining  of  the  dealing  he  met 
with  from  an  ecclesiastical  hoard,  to  Rowland  Hill,  observed 
that  "for  his  part  he  did  not  see  the  difference  betvreen  a 
hoard  and  a  hench,  meaning  that  the  rule  of  his  hoard  was 
as  stringent  as  that  of  the  bishops. 

"  Pardon  me,  my  friend,"  replied  Hill,  "I  will  show  you  a  most 
essential  difference  between  the  two  ;  a  hoard  is  a  hench  that  has 
no  legs  to  stand  upon."     [11] 

A  Tribute  to  Scotch  Frugality. 

Boswell  observing  to  Johnson  that  there  was  no  instance  of  a 
beggar  dying  in  the  streets  of  Scotland,  ''I  believe,  sir,  you  are 
very  right,"  says  Johnson  ;  "  but  this  does  not  arise  from  the 
want  of  beggars,  but  the  difficulty  of  starving  a  Scotchman." 
[22] 

Charles  II.  Floored  by  Stillingfleet, 

Charles  II.  was  altogether  in  favour  of  extemporaneous  preach- 
ing, and  was  unwilling  to  listen  to  the  delivery  of  written  sermons. 
On  one  occasion  he  asked  the  famous  Stillingfleet  how  it  was  that 
he  always  read  his  sermons  before  the  court,  when  he  preached 
without  book  elsewhere  ? 

Stillingfleet  answered  something  about  the  awe  of  so  noble  a 
congregation  and  the  presence  of  so  great  and  wise  a  prince,  with 
which  the  king  appeared  very  well  satisfied. 

"But  pray,"  continued  Stillingfleet,  "will  your  majesty  give  me 
leave  to  ask  you  a  question  ?  Why  do  you  read  your  speeches 
when  you  can  have  none  of  the  same  reasons  ?  " 

"Why,  truly,  doctor,"  answered  the  king,  "your  speech  is  a 
very  pertinent  one,  and  so  will  be  my  answer,     I  have  asked  the 


184  E VER  YBOD Y\S  BOOK  OF 

two  Houses  so  often,  and  for  so  much  money,  that  I  am  ashamed 
to  look  them  in  the  face." 

Witty  Impromptu. 

Three  or  four  wits  had  dined  together,  and  while  taking  their 
wine,  the  subject  of  impromptu,  and  the  difficulty  of  finding 
rhymes  for  certain  names,  was  discussed. 

A  general  of  brigade  named  Morris,  who  was  also  a  poet, 
challenged  any  of  the  party  to  find  a  rhyme  for  his  name. 

The  challenge  was  accepted  by  an  actor  present,  named 
BroTigham,  and  the  following  was  the  result : — 

"  All  hail  to  thee,  thou  gifted  son, 
The  warrior-poet,  Morris ; 
'Tis  seldom  that  we  see  in  one, 
A  Csesar  and  a  Horace." 

"Agricultural"  Boys. 

Someone  was  praising  the  British  public  schools  to  Charles  Lamb, 
and  said  :  *'  All  our  best  men  were  public  school  men.  Look  at 
our  poets.  There's  Byron,  he  was  a  Harrow  boy — "  "  Yes," 
interrupted  Charles,  "  and  there's  Burns — he  was  a  ploughboy." 

How  a  Preacher  both  Broke  and  Kept  His  Promise. 

The  Rev.  Mr  Adams,  of  Leominster,"was  an  eccentric  character. 
A  neighbouring  minister — a  mild,  inoffensive  man — with  whom  he 
was  about  to  exchange,  said  to  him,  knowing  the  peculiar  blunt- 
ness  of  his  character — "  You  will  find  some  panes  of  glass  broken 
in  the  pulpit  window,  and  possibly  you  may  suffer  from  the  cold. 
The  cushion,  too,  is  in  a  bad  condition  ;  but  I  beg  of  you  not  to 
say  anything  to  my  people  on  the  subject ;  they  are  poor,"  &c. 

"  Oh  no  !  Oh  no  !  "  said  Mr  Adams.  But  ere  he  left  home,  he 
filled  a  bag  with  rags,  and  took  it  with  him.  When  he  had  been 
in  the  pulpit  a  short  time,  feeling  somewhat  incommoded  by  the 
too  free  circulation  of  air,  he  deliberately  took  from  the  bag  a 
handful  or  two  of  rag^,  and  stuffed  them  into  the  window.  To- 
wards the  close  of  his  discourse,  which  was  more  or  less  upon 
the  duties  of  a  people  towards  their  clergyman,  he  became  very 
animated,  and  purposely  brought  down  both  fists  with  a  tremend- 
ous force  upon  the  pulpit  cushion.  The  feathers  flew  in  all 
directions,  and  the  cushion  was  pretty  much  used  up.  He 
instantly  checked  the  current  of  his  thought,  and  simply  exclaim- 
ing,  "  Why,  how  these  feathers  fly  !  "  proceeded  with  his  sermon. 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  185 

He  had  fulfilled  his  promise  of  not  addressing  the  society  on  the 
subject,  but  had  taught  them  a  lesson  not  to  be  misunderstood. 

On  the  next  Sabbath  the  window  and  cushion  were  found  in 
excellent  repair.     [11] 

Tom  Sheridan's  Adventure. 

Tom  Sheridan  was  staying  at  Lord  Craven's,  at  Benham  (or  rather 
Hampstead),  and  one  day  proceeded  on  a  shooting  excursion,  like 
Hawthorne,  with  only  "his  dog  and  his  gun,"  on  foot,  and  un- 
attended by  companion  or  keeper  ;  the  sport  was  bad — the  birds 
few  and  shy -and  he  walked  and  walked  in  search  of  game,  until, 
unconsciously,  he  entered  the  domain  of  some  neighbouring 
squire. 

A  very  short  time  after,  he  perceived  advancing  towards  him 
at  the  top  of  his  speed,  a  jolly,  comfortable-looking  gentleman, 
followed  by  a  servant,  armed,  as  it  appeared,  for  conflict.  Tom 
took  up  a  position,  and  waited  the  approach  of  the  enemy. 

"Hallo  !  you,  sir,'  said  the  squire,  when  within  half  earshot, 
*'  what  are  you  doing  here,  sir,  eh  ? " 

"  I'm  shooting,  sir,"  said  Tom, 

"  Do  you  know  where  you  are,  sir  ? "  said  the  squire. 

"I'm  here,  sir,"  said  Tom. 

"  Here,  sir,"  said  the  squire,  growing  angry  ;  "and  do  you  know 
where  here  is,  sir  ?  These,  sir,  are  my  manors  ;  what  d'ye  think  of 
that,  sir,  eh  ? " 

"Why,  sir,  as  to  your  manners,"  said  Tom,  "  I  can't  say  they 
seem  over  agreeable." 

"  I  don't  want  any  jokes,  sir,"  said  the  squire.  "  I  hate  jokes. 
Who  are  you,  sir  ? — what  are  you  ? " 

"Why  sir,"  said  Tom,  "my  name  is  Sheridan — I  am  staying 
at  Lord  Craven's — I  have  come  out  for  some  sport — I  have  not 
had  any,  and  I  am  not  aware  that  I  am  trespassing." 

"Sheridan  !  ''  said  the  squire,  cooling  a  little  ;  "  oh,  from  Lord 
Craven's,  eh  ?    Well,  sir,  I  could  not  know  tliat,  sir, — I — " 

"  No,  sir,''  said  Tom,  "  but  you  need  not  have  been  m  a  passion.  '* 

"Not  in  a  passion  !  Mr  Sheridan,"  said  the  squire,  '  you  don't 
know,  sir,  what  these  preserves  have  cost  me,  and  the  pains  and 
trouble  I  have  been  at  with  them  ;  it's  all  verj'  well  for  yrm  to  talk, 
but  if  you  were  in  my  place  I  should  like  to  know  what  ymi  would 
say  upon  such  an  occasion." 


186  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

'  Why,  sir,"  said  Tom,  "  if  I  were  in  your  place,  under  all  the 
circumstances,  I  should  say — '  I  am  convinced,  Mr  Sheridan,  you 
did  not  mean  to  annoy  me  ;  and  as  you  look  a  good  deal  tired, 
perhaps  you  will  come  up  to  my  house  and  take  some  re- 
freshment ! ' " 

The  squire  was  hard  hit  by  this  nonchalance,  and  (as  the  news- 
papers say),  "  it  is  needless  to  add,"  acted  on  Sheridan's  suggestion. 

"So  far,"  said  poor  Tom,  "the  story  tells  forme — now  you 
shall  hear  the  sequel." 

After  having  regaled  himself  at  the  squire's  house,  and  having 
said  five  hundred  more  good  things  than  he  swallowed  ;  having 
delighted  his  host,  and  more  than  half  won  the  hearts  of  his  wife 
and  daughters,  the  sportsman  proceeded  on  his  return  homewards. 

In  the  course  of  his  walk  he  crossed  a  farm,  on  which  was  a 
green,  in  the  centre  of  which  was  a  pond  ;  in  the  pond  were  ducks 
innumerable  s^vimming  and  diving ;  on  its  verdant  banks  a 
motley  group  of  gallant  cocks  and  pert  partlets,  picking  and 
feeding.  The  farmer  was  leaning  over  the  hatch  of  the  barn, 
which  stood  near  two  cottages  on  the  side  of  the  green. 

Tom  hated  to  go  back  with  an  empty  bag  ;  and  having  failed  in 
his  attempts  at  higher  game,  it  struck  him  as  a  good  joke  to 
ridicule  the  exploits  of  the  day  himself,  in  order  to  prevent  any- 
one else  from  doing  it  for  him,  and  he  thought  that  to  carry  home 
a  certain  number  of  the  domestic  inhabitants  of  the  pond  and  its 
vicinity  would  serve  the  purpose  admirably.  Accordingly,  up  he 
goes  to  the  farmer  and  accosts  him  civilly. 

"My  good  friend,"  says  Tom,  "  I'll  make  you  an  offer." 

"  Of  what,  sur  ?  "  says  the  farmer. 

"Why,"  replies  Tom,  "I've  been  out  all  day  fagging  after 
birds  and  haven't  had  a  shot.  Now,  both  my  barrels  are  load^d — 
I  should  like  to  take  home  something  ;  what  shaU  I  give  you  to 
let  me  have  a  shot  with  each  barrel  at  those  ducks  and  fo  wis — I 
standing  here — and  to  have  whatever  I  kill  ?  " 

*•  What  sort  of  shot  are  you  ?  "  said  the  farmer, 

"Fairish,"  said  Tom,  " fairish." 

' '  And  to  have  all  you  kill  ?  "  said  the  farmer,  "  eh  ?" 

"Exactly  so,'*  said  Tom. 

"  Half  a  guinea,"  said  the  farmer. 

"That's  too  much,"  said  Tom.     "  I'll  tell  you  what  III  do— I'll 


EJSGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  187 

give  you  a  seven -shilling  piece,  which  happens  to  be  all  the  money 
I  have  in  my  pocket. " 

**  Well,"  said  the  man,  "hand  it  over." 

The  riayment  was  made — Tom,  true  to  his  bargain,  took  his 
post  h^  the  bam  door,  and  let  fly  with  one  barrel  and  then  with 
the  other  ;  and  such  quacking  and  splashing,  and  screaming  and 
fluttering  had  never  been  seen  in  that  place  before. 

Away  ran  Tom,  and,  delighted  at  his  success,  picked  up  first  a 
hen,  then  a  chicken^  then  fished  out  a  dying  duck  or  two,  and  so 
on,  until  he  numbered  eight  head  of  domestic  game,  with  which 
his  bag  was  nobly  distended. 

"Those  were  right  good  shots,  sir,"  said  the  fanner 

"Yes,"  said  Tom,  ■'  eight  ducks  and  fowls  were  more  than  you 
bargained  for,  old  fellow — worth  rather  more,  I  suspect,  thaa 
seven  shillings,  eh  ? " 

"Why,  yes,"  said  the  man,  scratching  his  head,  **1  think  they 
be  ;  but  what  do  I  care  for  that — they  are  none  of  them  mine  ! '' 

"  Here,"  said  Tom,  "  I  was  for  once  in  my  life  heate)i  and  made 
off  as  fast  as  I  could,  for  fear  the  right  owner  of  my  game  might 
make  his  appearance — not  but  that  I  could  have  given  the  fellow 
that  took  me  in,  seven  times  as  much  as  I  did,  for  his  cunning  an:^ 
coolness."    [28] 

A  Prisoner  Pleading  for  His  Lawyerc 

Judge :  "  Have  you  anything  to  say  before  the  court  passes 
sentence  upon  you  !  " 

Prisoiier :  "  Well,  all  I've  to  say  is,  I  hope  yer  honour  Ml  consider 
the  extreme  youth  of  my  lawyer,  an'  let  me  off  easy." 

Using  His  Wit  to  Hide  His  Ignorance 

The  clerk  of  a  retired  parish  in  North  West  Devon,  who  had  tc 
read  the  first  lesson,  always  \ised  to  make  a  hash  of  Shadraeb, 
Meshach,  and  Abednego  ,  and  as  the  names  are  twelve  times 
repeated  in  the  third  chapter  of  Daniel,  after  getting  thrcugh  (Vith 
them  the  first  time,  he  afterwards  styled  them  the  '  aforesaid 
gentlemen."    fll] 

What  the  Waits  Ought  to  Do  on  Boxing  Day 

Hartley,  the  eminent  actor,  was  called  upon  by  the  midnight 
minstrels  on  the  morning  of  Boxing  Day. 

"We  are  the  parish  waits,  an  please  you, "  said  the  spokesman, 
"we  played  before  your  door  last  night." 


188  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

"You  did,  indeed,"  was  his  reply  in  movimful  tones  ;  and  he. 
looked  apon  his  visitoi-s  with  the  air  of  a  man  who  knew  not  their 
errand. 

"  We  have  come  to  hope,  sir,"  went  on  the  clarionet,  "  for  your 
kind  contribution." 

"Oh,  dear,"  said  Bartley,  with  affected  surprise,  "I  thought 
you  had  come  to  apologise." 

Native  Wit  versus  Norman  Blood. 

Not  long  since  a  certain  noble  peer  in  Yorkshire,  who  is  fond 
of  boasting  of  his  Norman  descent,  thus  addressed  one  of  his 
tenants,  who,  he  thought,  was  not  speaking  to  him  with  proper 
respect. 

' '  Do  you  not  know  that  my  ancestors  came  over  with  William 
the  Conqueror  ? " 

"  And,  mayhaps,"  retorted  the  sturdy  Saxon,  nothing  daunted, 
"that  they  found  mine  here  when  they  comed." 

The  noble  lord  felt  that  he  had  the  worst  of  it. 

Johnson's  Definition  of  Music. 

A  lady,  after  performing,  with  the  most  brilliant  execution,  a 
sonata  on  the  pianoforte,  in  the  presence  of  Dr  Johnson,  tximing 
to  the  philosopher,  took  the  liberty  of  asking  him  if  he  was  fond 
of  music  ?  "  No,  madam,"  replied  the  doctor  ;  "but  of  all  noises 
1  think  music  is  the  least  disagreeable. " 

Anxious  to  Put  in  a  Good  Word. 

A  favourite  story  was  told  by  Douglas  Jerrold,  of  the  foot-boy 
who  accompanied  him  on  his  trip  to  Derbyshire.  At  the  inn  at 
Matlock,  "master"  was  praising  a  glass  of  port,  when  the  boy 
chimed  in,  glad  to  hear  the  hotel  praised  : — 

"  Please,  sir,  I  think  they  makes  their  o%\ti  port.  /  know  they 
brews.  •'    [25] 

Clever  Contrivance  to  Obtain  a  Warm  Seat. 

A  gentleman  came  into  an  inn  at  Chelmsford  upon  a  very  cold 
day,  and  could  get  no  room  near  the  fire  ;  whereupon  he  called  to 
the  ostler  to  fetch  a  peck  of  oystei-s,  and  give  them  to  his  horse. 

"  Will  your  hoi-se  eat  oysters  ?  "  replied  the  ostler. 

"  Try  him,"  said  the  gentleman. 

Immediately,  the  people  running  to  see  this  wonder,  the  fire' 


ENGLISH  WIT  AXD  HUMOUR.  18» 

side  was  cleared,  and  the  gentleman  had  his  choice  of  the  seats. 
The  ostler  brought  back  the  oysters,  and  said  the  horse  Tvovdd 
not  meddle  with  them. 

"Why,  then,"  says  the  gentleman,  "T  must  be  forced  to  eat 
them  myself. " 

An  Exposed  Intellect. 

Sydney  Smith  observed  how  many  of  the  most  eminent  men  of 
the  world  had  been  diminutive  in  j^erson  ;  and  after  naming 
several  among  the  ancients,   he  added,    "Why,  look  there  at 

Jeffrey,  and  there  is  my  little  friend ,   who  has  not  body 

enough  to  cover  his  mind  decently  with  ;  his  intellect  is  improperly 
exposed."    [2] 

The  Shortest  Grace.  ^t* 

A  discussion  arose  between  three  boys  as  to  whose  father  said 
the  shortest  grace.  The  first  boy  said,  ^^  My  father  says,  '  Thank 
God ! '  " 

"  Oh  ! "  said  the  second,  "  mine  says,   '  Amen ! ' " 
The  third  said,  "  Ah,  but  mine  's  the  best  of  all ;  he  just  pushes 
his  plate  away,  and  says,  '  There  I'" 

Fine  Air — But  Not  Fine  Enough. 

A  bishop  congratulating  a  poor  parson,  said  he  lived  in  a 
fine  air. 

"Yes,  my  lord,"  replied  he,  "I  should  think  so,  too,  if  one 
could  live  upon  it  as  well  as  in  it." 

Making  Up  with  Wit  what  He  Lacked  in  Stature. 

Dr  Busby,  whose  figure  was  beneath  the  common  size,  was  one 
day  accosted  in  a  public  coffee-room  by  an  Irish  baronet  of 
colossal  stature,  with,  "May  I  pass  to  my  seat,  0  Giant ? " 

When  the  doctor,  politely  making  way,  replied,  "Pass,  O 
Pigmy  !  ' 

"Oh,  sir,"  said  the  baronet,  "my  expression  alluded  to  the 
size  of  your  irdelled." 

"And  my  expression,  sir,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  to  the  size  ofyours.^' 

Capturing  a  Deserter  Thirty  Years  after  the  Offence, 

During  the  early  part  of  his  life  Douglas  Jerroid  was  a  midship- 
noan,  and  once  while  the  commander  was  absent  two  of  the  men 
in  the  midshipman's  charge,  requested  permission  to  make  some 
trifling  purchase.     The  good-natured  oflBcer  assented,  adding. — 


190  E  VER  YBOD  Y 'S  BOOK  OF 

'  By  the  way,  you  may  as  well  buy  me  some  apples  and  a  few 
pears." 

*  Ail  right,  sir,"  said  the  men  ;  and  they  departed. 

The  captain  presently  returned,  and  still  the  seamen  were  away 
on  their  errand.  They  were  searched  for,  but  they  could  not  be 
found  They  had  deserted.  Any  naval  reader  whose  eye  may 
wander  over  this  page  will  readily  imagine  the  disgrace  into  which 
Midshipman  Douglas  Jerrold  fell  v/ith  his  captain.  Upon  the 
young  delinquent  the  event  made  a  lasting  impression,  and  years 
after  tie  talked  about  it  with  that  curious  excitement  which  lit  up 
his  face  when  he  spoke  about  anything  he  had  felt.  He  remem- 
bered even  the  features  of  the  two  deserters ;  as  he  had,  most 
unexpectedly,  an  opportunity  of  proving. 

rhe  Uiiasi^ipman  nad  long  put  his  dirk  aside  and  washed  the  salt 
from  Jtkis  t>rave  face.  He  had  become  a  fighter  with  a  keener 
weapon  than  his  dirk  had  ever  proved,  when,  one  day  strolling 
eastwara,  possibly  from  the  office  of  his  own  newspaper  to  tha 
printing  premises  of  Messrs  Bradbury  &  Evans,  in  \\"hitefriars,  he 
was  suddenly  struck  with  the  form  and  face  of  a  baker,  who,  with 
his  load  of  bread  at  his  back,  was  examining  some  object  in  the 
window  of  the  surgical-instrument  maker  who  puzzles  so  many 
inquisitive  passers-by,  near  the  entrance  to  King's  College.  There 
was  no  mistake  Even  the  flour  dredge  eouid  not  hide  the  fact. 
The  ex-midshipman  walked  nimbly  to  the  baker's  side,  and, 
rapping  him  sharply  upon  the  back,  said, — 

"  I  say,  my  friend,  don't  you  think  you  have  been  rather  a  long 
time  about  that  fruit  ?  " 

The  deserter's  jaw  fell.  Thirty  years  had  not  calmed  the  unquiet 
suggestions  of  his  conscience.  He  remembered  the  fruit  and  the 
little  middy,  for  he  said, — 

"  Lor'  !  is  it  you,  sir  ?  " 

The  midshipman  went  on  his  way  laughing.     [25] 

Theodore  Hook's  Power  of  Improvisation. 

Words  cannot  do  justice  to  Theodore  Hook's  talent  for  im- 
provisation :  it  was  perfectly  wonderful.  He  was  one  day  sitting 
at  the  pianoforte,  singing  an  extempore  song  as  fluently  as  if  he 
had  had  the  words  and  music  before  him,  when  Moore  happened 
to  look  into  the  room,  and  Hook  instantly  introduced  a  long 
parenthesis, 


ENGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOUR.  IW 

"And  here's  Mr  Moore, 
Peeping  in  at  the  door,"  &c.     [30] 

Fragmentary  Classical  Fun. 
The  characteristics  of  an  epigram  were  once  most  emphaticcJly 
laid  down  thus  : 

"  Omne  epigramma  sit  instar  apis,  sit  aculeus  illi, 
Sint  sua  mella,  sit  et  corporis  exigui  ;  " 
which  have  been  variously  rendered,  thus  : 

**  The  qualities  rare  in  a  bee  that  we  meet, 
In  an  epigram  never  should  fail  : 
The  body  should  always  be  little  and  sweet 
And  a  sting  should  be  left  in  its  tail ;  " 
or,  better  still,  perhaps, 

*'  An  epigram  should  be,  if  right. 
Short,  simple,  pointed,  keen,  and  bright 

A  lively  little  thing 
Like  wasp  with  taper  body,  bound 
By  lines — not  many — neat  and  round, 
All  ending  in  a  sting." 


Here  is  an  epigram  from  Martial's  first  book,  which  certainly 
complies  with  this  rule  : 

"  I  love  thee  not ;  but  why  I  can't  display  ; 
I  love  thee  not,  is  all  that  I  can  say." 


In  imitation  of  this  epigram,  an  Oxford  wit  wrote  the  following 
on  Dr  John  Fell,  Bishop  of  Oxford,  who  died  in  1686  : 
*'  I  do  not  love  thee.  Doctor  Fell, 
The  reason  why  I  cannot  tell ; 
But  this  I'm  sure  I  know  full  well, 
I  do  not  love  thee.  Doctor  Fell." 
Here  is  an  epigram  where,  as  is  not  always  or  often  the  case, 
the  play  on  words  can  be  preserved.     It  is  translated  by  Mr 
Theodore  Martin,  and  may  be  called  : 

Security. 
Dear  Fimus,  you  may  rest  assured 
My  country  house  is  well  secured. 
How  ?    "With  good  timber,  stone  and  plaster, 
From  wind,  and  rain,  and  all  disaster  ? 


1^  EVERYBODY'S  BOOK  OF 

Ah  no,  but  by  a  certain  skin 
Which  is  encased  in  painted  tin  ; 
It  is  secured  for  money  lent 
To  a  curst  son  of  ten-per-cent. 
The  house  was  mortgaged  / 

Martial  flattered*  Domitian  ;  but  Ben  Jonson  out-Martialed 
Martial. 

To  MaHiaVs  Ghost. 

Martial,  thou  gav'st  far  nobler  epigrams 

To  thy  Domitian  than  I  to  my  James  ; 

But  in  my  royal  subject  I  pass  thee. 

Thou  flatteredst  thine  ;  mine  cannot  flattered  be  I 

Here  is  one  of  Martial's  happiest  sketches,  consummately 
rendered  by  Addison.     It  is  from  Book  xii.  : 

"  In  all  thy  humours,  whether  grave  or  mellow, 
Thou'rt  such  a  touchy,  testy,  pleasant  fellow  ; 
Hast  so  much  wit,  and  mirth,  and  spleen  about  thee, 
There  is  no  living  with  thee — or  without  thee." 

It  is  thought  that  this  epigram  might  have  suggested  Grold- 
smith's  sketch  of  Garrick's  character  in  the  epigrammatic  poem 
"  Retaliation  :  " 

"Our  Garrick's  a  salad  ;  for  in  him  we  see 
Oil,  vinegar,  sugar,  and  saltness  agree."    [32] 

"Fast"  Day. 

An  eccentric  dominie,  Matthew  Byles,  seems  to  have  been  as 
inveterate  a  joker  as  Sydney  Smith.  Upon  a  Fast-day,  Dr  Byles 
had  negotiated  an  exchange  with  a  country  clergyman.  Upon 
the  appointed  morning  each  of  them  —  for  vehicles  were  not 
common  then — proceeded  on  horseback  to  his  respective  place  of 
appointment.  Dr  Byles  no  sooner  observed  his  brother  clergy- 
man approaching  at  a  distance,  than  he  applied  the  whip,  put  his 
horse  into  a  gallop,  and  with  his  canonicals  flying  all  abroad, 
passed  his  friend  at  full  run.  *'  What  is  the  viattcr  1"  he  ex- 
claimed, raising  his  hand  in  astonishment;  "  v:hy  so  fast,  Brother 
Byles  t"  To  which  the  doctor,  without  .slackening  his  speed, 
replied  over  his  shoulder,  "  It  is  Fast-day  I "    [11] 


/h 


